Here's chapter 9 FINALLY, I enjoyed writing it so tell me what you think about it. I would say all that legal stuff, but I cant stop you from reading it so what' s the point? If you don't like it, don't read it. This story is partially based on my life so if you don't like it and feel the need to hate, don't send it to me.
If you like it tell me, I ALWAYS write back. And if you don't believe me try it. So here's chapter 9 ENJOI!!!!!!
Anybody just not him 9: forget
How can they not know?
I know they see the forcefulness of my smile But do they see the pain in my eyes My longing for death
How can they know? every night I go to sleep Hoping not to wake
Every morning I slit Hoping that time will be the last
How can they know? That its their fault- Their fault I cant leave...
I'm stuck; bound by friendship To this life of my misery My world, my pain Self pity-
How can they know? That I nearly breakdown
That I fight back tears Every moment that I am alone And even when I'm with them When I'm near him...
How can they know? I'm thinking about it right now That last stroke The last stroke of my silver release-
The one that will end this all Free me of this
But they don't I'm alone Alone in the dark Waiting for my light I am alone
Derrick...
They know they've always known They were waiting
Waiting for me they've always known
In the dark I am not Alone no more
My light has come Tony...
I left him like that, he looked like he was about to talk to me. But then Tony showed up and...Derricks eyes, he was trying to but...I cant. If he doesn't like me then why does he look so sad or pissed when he saw me with Tony? I mean, I was holding his arm but to other people that could just be boys being boys. But with Derrick...he knew, he knew that I liked Tony, he knows by the way I look at him. Tony said my eyes tell secrets but... I cant think about this. I have Tony now.
" I don't understand. What is it with you and him?" Tony asked looking from the street to me frustrated.
"It's complicated." I sighed. It's all I can say. How do I try to explain to someone my relationship with him? I mean I don't even understand it.
" I need more than that... if me and you are going to try and do this, I need to know." feels like more than a day, I feel so close to him. He wants to try, try with me.
" I don't know how to explain it, its confusing to me too." I don't want to think about it, I want to forget. I want to forget the way he looked when he saw Tony, the way he looked when he saw Tony pull me up...and the way he looked at me. I hurt everyone around me. EVERYONE, even the guy I supposedly `hate'.
" what's wrong?" how does he do that. Or am I just that obvious. Yeah I must be, they knew. I thought all this time-I thought they didn't care, that they wouldn't understand but they knew. Eric knew, I mean I cant be that gay so he-they...really are my friends. I feel like shit, they cared, they actually cared. But I was too buy being stupid to realize it.
" I'm just tired." I heard him breath in loudly and let it go just as loud. I really need to work on his temper.
He pulled the car over. " don't lie to me, ok." he took his hand off the steering wheel and reached for mine. " your not tired so what is It." why couldn't he be like everyone else? I'm not ready for this, opening up. He reads me to well.
" I know...I'm just not ready." it's the best I can give right now, it hurts to bad to say. To say that I'm hurting over Derrick, the guy who doesn't want me. The guy who calls me faggot and lets his best friend torment me. No, I'm not thinking about him. I'm thinking about the guy behind the mask, the guy deep inside, the guy I know loves me.
"...ok, but one day you'll tell me right? I mean I want to know." his eyes, those green eyes. They're like the key to my heart, my soul. I cant lie to him while he has me under his gaze.
" promise!" I smiled. A genuine smile, and he could tell. He could tell it wasn't a fake. I don't have to force smiles around him, they come naturally. He makes me happy, he gives me something to look forward to.
" okay, so where exactly do you live?"
" I live in the in the subdivision, down that way." I pointed down the street. I looked over at the clock class was almost out. It would start pretty soon... no, not now. I'm happy. I'm smiling...I cant do this. "Control, control, control" I repeated over and over in my mind.
" so when do we have to be at Eric's place?" he's coming! I mean I knew he would but he said it so YAY. It's going to be so much easier with him there. He un parked and headed towards the direction of my house.
" when they call and ask if we're on our way." I smiled, I am in control. I like smiling with him, when I'm with other people its strained, and hurts. It hurts to smile when I feel like shit, to smile when I'm hurt. It hurts. Forget Derrick. smile.
" cool. so... they wont be calling for a while?" I know where this is going. He' s a guy, how could I not expect it. Control, control, control...
" ...yea a few hours." he wants to do that already. I'm still a virgin and plus ...my body. Its not right. I'm scarred, he cant see my body...not my arm. He'll hate me! He'll hate me more than I hate myself...I cant do this. It always happens, I knew I couldn't be happy.
" are your parents home?" no, NO!! why does this happen to me. he'll see my arm and he'll hate me...he'll think I'm a freak.
" what's wrong."
"...nothing." I answered a bit to fast and little too low. I was happy...I looked out the window, I was home.
"which one is yours" he was driving slowly, trying not to pass my house.
" that one." I pointed to my house. Smile...smile...god dammit SMILE!! He cant see me like this. I'll just go to the bathroom...I'll be ok.
He pulled into the spot closest to my house. "okay, here we go." I said to myself.
"what?" he asked.
"nothing." I opened the door and headed for my house, Tony following close behind.
As soon as I opened the door my dog flew out barking and jumping at my feet, I picked him up and brought him into the house.
" that's your dog?" Tony asked with amusement in his voice. His green eyes almost glowing.
" yep. His name is spunky." I patted him on the head. I love my doggy, and even though his name is; weird its cool. He usually barks when he meets new people.
He started laughing. "spunky!?"
" that's not funny!" I chuckled. I laughed, now only if I could keep this happy mood.
" what is it?" he was STILL laughing. My dog is beautiful I don't care what he says.
" HE is a Pekingese ." I pouted. It was a pout but not for my dog, a reflection of how I feel inside.
" aw I'm sorry." he came up and hugged me spunky, started wagging his tail in my arms. " It's a nice mut, really." he laughed.
" your mean!" I laughed. I was laughing now but the bathroom is only upstairs...
I cant hold out anymore. I'll feel better afterwards, I'll be able to smile. Its not bad, I'm not crazy. "here hold him." I handed spunky to Tony. " I gotta pee!" I whined.
"alright. But what do I do with it." he asked looking at him like he was the weirdest thing he ever saw.
" it's a dog-"
" sorry baby, this ain't a dog. it's a mut!" then " come over my house and I' ll show you a dog!" he winked at me. He called me baby...
"whatever. AND he is a dog." was that our first disagreement. If it was then wow; when me and Derrick...its like we hate each other. But we don't, right? Do I hate derrick, does Derrick hate me?
"ok hurry, his eyes are scaring me." he smiled. He liked him, I can tell. Its weird my dog NEVER lets people he doesn't know hold him. But there he is, in Tony's arms...
I headed upstairs to the bathroom, to my release. I sat down on the toilet and turned on the radio, I was ready. I needed this.
I turned the radio up and reached under the sink.
Dear angel of mine, Where do I start to express how I feel? Well, my loves gone blind. Now all that I feel is what I hear. Your words rip and tear, Through my heart so weak and pure, Now, I find myself wanting to die...
I grabbed the razor, still stained from this morning. I think about everything that happened today; Eric being mad at me, hitting me, breaking me. And then Derrick, how...why do I even care about him. HES STRAIGHT! He's gonna grow up and marry a girl, fuck the girl and have kids. He wont even remember me, I'll just be that stupid faggot who would die for him...
I bleed for the second time tonight Holding all that's in my mind. If only my love could be with you! I'll break you away, away, away from me.
I pull of the sock and drop it to the floor. I watched it fall, and they came. My tears were finally allowed. I didn't have to hide them anymore, this was my release.
As I sit here alone Thinking about everything you said. You know since I'm alone. Well, maybe after all, I was better off dead. Cause without you my life's gone down. What do I do, when I find myself wanting to die?
Maybe this is the last stroke. Maybe I wont have to live this hell anymore, maybe if I die he'll admit it. He'll stop fighting it, fighting me. I bring the blade to my wrist, press it hard against my skin. I close my eyes and except my pain, forget about everything except the pain. I try to think of Derrick, the reason for my pain but....TONY
And I don't know...I'll break you away! Said, I'll break you away, away, away from me. Sincerely yours.
I cant do it. He's right down stairs, waiting for me. I look at my wrist, it not too bad, It didn't bleed just a little cut easily covered. I pull the sock back up and put the blade back and accidentally knocked over a can of sleeping pills...
"oh shit!" the temptation, I wanted them. I wanted to down the whole fucking bottle. Sleep forever, be in a dream world forever, no pain or loss. Everything would be perfect. But I settled for four instead of the whole bottle. It would knock me out in about 20 minutes, but it wouldn't kill me. I couldn't do that to Tony, have him come upstairs looking for me only to find my dead body and a bottle of sleeping pills. My friends bind me to this world...
I look in the mirror and splash some water on my face, the tears wouldn't be as visible. I walk from the bathroom to the top of the stairs and brace myself. As soon as I get down the stairs I see Tony throwing a ball to my `mut' who would bring it right back to him.
" Once you start you wont stop til HE gets bored." I said to him.
" I like your Mut!" he threw the ball again. " Nah, I'm just playing he aiight. but damn why his eyes so big."
" they aren't that big! They're supposed to be that way." I yawned. I was feeling a little sleepy already, those pills work faster than I thought.
" you not fallin' asleep on me are you?" he had the ball in his hand, with spunky trying to pull it from him.
" I told you I was sleepy." I yawned again.
" alright then, come here." he sat on the couch and started to pull down his pants. WAIT!! Why are his pants coming off. " don't worry you aint seeing that yet, I got shorts on." when his pants came all the way off, he had light blue basketball shorts on. " come here." I slowly walked over to him. Once I got close enough he pulled me to his lap.
" I wont try anything. Promise." he stretched his legs out and I lay between them, getting sleepier by the second. I leaned my head back against his chest, while he wrapped his arms under my shirt around my waist. I was just happy he didn't touch my arm.
We didn't say anything. But I remember it felt good to be held by him. To have someone else near me when I drifted off, if only I could have this all the time...
Some one was lightly shaking my shoulder. "helloooooooo?"
"huh..." I said sleepily, the pills not yet worn off.
" Eric's on the phone." I heard him but it felt much better to close my eyes again.
I felt the phone on my ear. " Nigga get up! No buts remember." damn him, I want to sleep now.
I sat up between his legs eyes still closed and Tony holding the phone to my ear. " I'm up, I'm up! Stop yelling in my fucking ear, DAMN!" I HATE being woken up and I sooo want to kill him. But I guess its time.
"okay you better be her in the next....30 minutes! You been home all this time sleep!? Oh wait don't answer that1" his head ain't right, we didn't do anything.
Tony took the phone from my ear to his. "we'll be there...yea I know 30 minutes." they talked some more but I don't remember what they said, all I remember is wanting to lie back down on Tony.
" we should go now before he goes completely insane." Tony softly spoke in my ear.
" uh huh." I wasn't awake yet and I wasn't going to wake up completely for a while.
" ok lets go then." but I didn't move I liked being with him, like this.
" no, I wanna stay here." I sounded like a big baby, I get that way when I'm sleep or sleepy.
"am I going to have to carry you?"
" I doubt you could. I'm kinda heavy-" as soon as I said heavy he stood up, with me in his arms. I think I love him...
I remember being put in the car, and then wind on my face. That so woke me up, it was fucking cold outside.
" your finally up." he smiled. " I thought they was going to think I drugged you or something."
" yea but I wanna go back to sleep now. And damn I'm hungry." I haven't ate in a while, and plus that long ass nap.
"well, we almost at Eric's house, he said he has food." Eric ALWAYS has food, I swear I gain like 20lbs every time I go to his house.
" do you know how to get there?" I asked
" yea, he gave me directions during your HINBERNATION!" he laughed
We were quiet the rest of the ride. I was thinking about what I was going to say tom friends, and then the whole me and Tony thing. And before I knew it; we were there.
"we're here." he announced. Ami ready? I hope to fucking god I am...I cant do this. We started out of the car. The door was so close. I was freaking out, I' m not ready.
We walked to his house and about halfway there he grabbed my hand with a reassuring smile. We were there, I rung the doorbell. And about three seconds later someone answered.
" vince-Damn you fine!" she said looking over to Tony, then as she was giving him the up and down she saw our hands. "DAMN!"
A/N
So here's chapter 9 FINALLY. I got so tied up in my other story and that stupid thing called school that I nearly forgot about this one. But, you can thank one dude for reminding me. If it weren't for him this wouldn't be up for like another month. BUT, I wont forget again ^_^. So if you like it or want to yell at me for being so late with this update, e-mail me or AIM me at nel114@aol.com. I WRITE BACK.