Hey all! This is out sooner than I expected, but as today is such a special day, I just had to send this chapter out now. In addition to being Joey Fatone's 24th birthday (woo hoo!), it is also Nick Carter's 21st birthday. So, in honor of Nick's big day, this chapter will give him something he has been waiting for. I think some of you guys have been anticipating this too. :) As always, thank you to all my dear readers, including Sue, Red, Dennis, Ath, Jim, Hunter, Ray, Neena, Gabrielle, Jrok, Aimee, Will, Alex, Lazee, Wen, Sophie and Rick. Also, apologies to my dear Sylv, who doesn't approve of a certain pairing :). And since Howie hasn't gotten to do much throughout this series, he actually plays an important part in this chapter!
And it's all for Lurch, because I so meanly teased him. :)
DISCLAIMER: I'm running out of these. Hmm... Do not know. Do not wish to taste anything A.J. bakes. Blah blah blah. Moo.
Check out my buddy Casey's wacky world of demons, angels, chocolate syrup and other fun stuff at Nifty under the "Angel" directory. He even lets me play in there! :)
One last thing...if you like angsty, dark Nsync slash fic, come join NsyncSlashAngst at eGroups! It rocks, and not just 'cause I co-own it. :)
Okay, you can read now. Up ahead, a long-awaited moment...
~CHOSEN ROAD~ Chapter Ten
"If you knew how much this moment means to me And how long I've waited for your touch If you knew how happy you are making me I've never thought I'd love anyone so much..."
- "Feels Like Home", Chantal Kreviazuk
~Backstreet Boys Group Journal Entry~
Dear Diary,
Still in quarrantine. It's been less than ten hours, but it's pretty tense here. Jeff's been checking in, not that he really has anything to tell us. We talked to Clive too. The Valium has gotten him back to his usual tranquil self, but all he'll tell us is that the police and the FBI are working on this.
Since A.J.'s little adventure out on the roof, we're not even allowed to have any windows cracked open, so it really feels like we're shut up in here. We're all dealing with it in our own ways. Kevin's been on the phone with Kristin, Bone is going about his business as usual - driving the bodyguards crazy. I, obviously, am writing in this thing.
Brian and Nick are in Bri's room - talking, I guess. I'm a little worried about both of them, the way they've been taking turns pulling away from eachother. If they've resolved that, great. But Bri especially has been really weird lately. I hope he and Kaos aren't having problems worse than the usual awkwardness between them.
I think, in a little while, I'm going to go talk to both of them. Maybe they don't notice it, but they've been shutting us out a lot lately.
- Howie D. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
"These cookies are great, Bone. I think you missed your calling...you'd have been a great baker."
A.J. grinned. "Well, Nick helped. He stopped me from putting blue food coloring in 'em, anyway."
Howie frowned suddenly. "Bone, do you think he's okay?"
"Nick? D, I don't think the kid's been okay since he was thirteen. But he's on his way now. Why?"
"Well, he's been so nervous lately."
"There's a serious kidnapping threat on him, D. Can you stand there and honestly tell me you're not scared?"
Howie shook his head. "I am. But I meant 'lately' in a more general sense. Like, recently."
A.J. sighed. //Well, the kid recently realized he's not so straight as he thought. Plus he's into his best friend, who's in love with him. Factor in Nick's understandable fear of intimacy, and we've got an equation that equals 'nervous'. Not that I can tell D any of this.//
A.J. shrugged. "Probably just part of the healing process. He's cool, D. He's got us. Especially Brian."
"Yeah. He was always closest to Kev and B-Rok. Now that he's older he doesn't need to hide behind Kevin so much, but it makes sense that he wants to be with his best friend a lot."
"Definitely."
"But he's been acting uncomfortable around Bri too. You think something's up with those two?"
A.J. turned away to hide his smile. "Like what?"
"Like...oh, I don't know. I'm frustrated. And still angry."
The younger man faced his friend again, yanking off his trademark sunglasses. "About Fat...about Lou?" he asked softly.
Howie looked down at his right hand. It had healed from the break and was back to normal, but the real scars had been left on his heart. They couldn't be seen, but they were there.
"I don't regret hitting the bastard. I regret that I didn't do it years earlier, instead of trusting him and thanking him for all he did for us. Why didn't I know, Bone? Nick spent practically every waking second with us, and every time he looked upset he'd say he was tired or he'd clam up. It's no wonder he freaked whenever a fan grabbed at him. Rok's right...when you think back, all the signs were there. I just didn't see."
"We didn't see. D, you think we don't all feel the same? God, sometimes I feel like I damn near threw Nick at the asshole and said 'Here ya go, have fun.'" A.J. swiped roughly at his eyes. "But Lou's the only one to blame for this. And Nicky doesn't need our guilt, D. He needs us."
Howie smiled weakly. "You're right. And he's got us. He's got me. No one is ever gonna touch that kid again and live. I'm gonna make up the past to him, any way I can." -----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hold still, Frick."
Brian tried to keep from moving as Nick's pencil flew over the sketch pad paper. "Better?"
"Uh-huh."
The older Backstreet Boy smiled. "I wish I could draw like you do, Frack - you've got a real gift for it."
Nick blushed a little, but didn't look up. "I'd offer to show you how, but I don't think it's something I can teach. I tried with Aaron once," he said, referring to his younger brother, "and it just didn't work."
Brian was having trouble keeping still - his apprehension about whatever Nick had to tell him was making him fidgety. //I wish he'd just tell me.//
The young blond sketched with practiced ease, looking at the paper intently. He only looked up once in a while - partly because he knew his subject so well and partly because he couldn't bear the questioning look in Brian's eyes. After a few more minutes Nick threw down his pencil, tore the sheet of paper from the sketch pad and handed it to Brian.
"Frack, this is incredible. I think it's your best one yet."
Nick plopped back down on the bed, pushing his hair back with frustration. He didn't know how to say what must be said.
Brian, looking concerned, put the drawing down and went to sit with his best friend. "Talk to me, Nick," he softly requested.
"I don't know how to say it," the boy mumbled.
"Just blurt it out. That's what usually works best for me," Brian suggested with a smile.
"I love you."
"I know, Frack. I love you too."
"No, I mean...I'm in love with you, I think."
The sense of deja vu was so strong that for a moment he thought Brian would back away in terror and run from the room. But the older man simply stared at him, wide-eyed, before taking the smaller hands in his own.
"Nicky, I don't wanna upset you. But you're under a lot of stress right now, and I don't think you mean what you're saying," Brian said gently.
Nick slumped where he sat, the pretty face looking defeated before it lowered. Brian lifted it carefully, alarmed to feel tears against his hands.
"Frack, we gotta talk, okay? I've only ever seen that much pain in your eyes twice before, and I've never stopped hating the bastards that put it there. But I'm the only one with you now, and that scares me."
"Don't be scared...I'm freaked enough for both of us," Nick whispered.
He leaned forward suddenly, and pressed his lips to Brian's.
The older man was frozen for a moment, then he took hold of Nick's shoulders and gently forced him back. "Honey, you're not gay, you don't mean this."
"Yes, I do." Nick's lips scarcely brushed against Brian's before he was pushed back again. "Frick, what is wrong with you? Don't you love me anymore?"
"Oh God..." Brian looked heartbroken. "Nicky, I love you more than anything. Which is why I can't let you do this. I can't take advantage of you. Nick, believe me, pushing you away just now took more willpower than I thought I have - I don't think I could do it again."
That fire had flared up in Brian's eyes, but he shook it away as he waited for Nick to speak.
"Frick, I did feel something when you kissed me. I lied because I was afraid. I'm not now."
Brian lovingly touched the silky blond hair. "But I am. What if I hurt you somehow, Nick? I can't take that chance." He opened his arms, tears streaming down his own face. "You're upset, Frack...come here, let me hold you."
//Here it is, Nick - decision time. You can kiss him again, praying he won't pull away, and see if you can re-ignite that fire in his eyes, the only of its kind that never scared you. Or you can let Brian rock you like the scared child you've always been, and never again feel the way you did when he kissed you? Well?//
Nick leaned forward again, capturing Brian's lips with his own. He put his hands firmly on the older man's shoulders, though he knew he wouldn't be pushed away this time. Strong hands tentatively touched his slim waist before slipping around it to hold him. That unearthly music rose once again in Brian's heart, and it wasn't until he felt Nick's mouth open that he was able to force himself back.
The two looked at eachother, Brian in wonder and Nick with shy certainty.
"Nick, I've had this dream so many times."
"It's real this time. I love you, Frick. I wanna be with you."
Brian slid his hands around until they rested comfortably on the blond's hips. "Frack, are you sure?"
"I talked all this over with Kevin, A.J., Doctor Sadler and most importantly, myself. This has nothing to do with what Lou did to me, Bri. That turned my whole world upside-down. You...you're the only thing I've ever been certain of. You and how I feel right now. I'm nervous, but I want this."
"I'll go slow with you, baby." Brian's lips trembled, and tears spilled down his cheeks as he cupped Nick's face. "Will you be my boyfriend? Be with me?"
Nick smiled and nodded, closing his eyes as Brian's fingers traced his jaw. "Kiss me."
"Stop me if I go too fast, always, okay? Promise?"
"I promise."
Nick closed his eyes, and sighed as soft warmth pressed against his lips. The touch was hesitant at first, until Brian felt Nick's hands tug insistently on his shoulders. He placed his own hands on the teenager's waist and opened his mouth, licking the pink lips that parted immediately, yielding to him. Brian felt his heart pounding with excitement as his tongue explored this place where it had only been once before.
Nick fell back onto the pillows, pulling Brian down on top of him. The older man parted his legs to straddle the lithe body beneath him as his tongue played sensually against Nick's. He felt the blond grab his hands, and he squeezed them reassuringly, letting the twenty fingers intertwine.
Neither heard the door slowly opening.
Brian, still holding Nick's hands, stretched their arms out away from them over the mattress, so nothing separated his trembling body from Nick's.
He continued the kiss, running his tongue over every inch in the blond's mouth...
And suddenly Brian was roughly pulled off of Nick and shoved into the wall. Dazed with passion and the sudden separation from his boyfriend, Brian blinked confusedly until his eyes focused enough to see the intruder.
It was Howie, and he was red with rage. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO NICK?! HOW COULD YOU?!"
Too shocked to answer, Brian looked at the keeper of his heart. Nick had burst into tears, and was crying too hard to speak coherently. Brian tried to get to him, but Howie shoved him away.
"Don't touch him! You stay away from him!"
Brian protested but was ignored as Howie took Nick by the arm and pulled the sobbing boy out of the room. Brian followed, his mind racing.
"D! You don't understand!"
Suddenly Kevin was there, and A.J., as well as Tom and Marcus. Acting on instinct, Tom went to Nick and pried Howie's hand off him.
"You better have a good explanation for that tight a grip, Howie," he growled.
The enraged Backstreet Boy ignored Tom and lunged for Brian. Marcus held him back, looking bewildered.
"What the hell is going on here?!"
"D, calm down and tell us what happened," Kevin ordered.
"I just walked into Brian's room and found him on top of Nick! He was holding Nicky down on the bed, kissing him!"
"I wasn't holding him down!" Brian cried. "Look, Nick and I are together! I'm having trouble believing it too, but he loves me the way I love him. I'd never force myself on him, D, you know that!"
"I thought I did!" Howie hissed, still being restrained by Marcus. "I can't believe you'd do this, Brian!"
"That's because it's not true! I love him more than anything, D! I'd cut off my hand before touching him if he didn't want me to!"
Howie glanced at Nick, who was sobbing in Kevin's arms. "Then why is he crying like that?!"
"Maybe because you scared the hell out of him!"
Howie froze, his eyes wide. Brian ran to Nick and gently touched the mussed blond hair. Kevin looked at his cousin trustingly as he released Nick to his boyfriend, no doubt in his mind about whether or not Brian was capable of what he was accused of doing.
Brian drew Nick into his arms, patting his back gently and trying to soothe him. "Ssh, it's okay, Frack."
The blond clung tightly to him, but his sobs began to noticeably soften. Nick buried his face in Brian's neck.
"Nicky, it's okay."
Brian looked up at Howie, who seemed shocked - not by what he was seeing but by his own behavior.
"Rok..."
"I can't believe you'd think I'd ever hurt him."
"Bri, I'm so sorry. It looked...I thought you were holding him down and I just lost it," Howie whispered.
"We were holding hands...I guess I can see how it might've looked like something different." Brian softly kissed the top of Nick's head. "Frack, are you okay?"
The boy's trembling had visibly subsided, and he drew back a little, nodding. "Uh-huh. I just got scared."
"Kaos, I shouldn't have grabbed you like that. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"No, I'm all right." Nick looked at him. "Brian wouldn't hurt me, D."
Howie wiped his flushed, damp face. "I know, I know, I've never doubted that. I'm ashamed that the thought ever occurred to me. I just...I saw you guys, and all I could think was that someone might be hurting you again. And this time, I could stop it. This time I could do something instead of feeling helpless while my little brother cries." Fresh tears formed in Howie's eyes. "Rok, Kaos, I'm so sorry..."
Nick gently pulled away from Brian to hug his apologetic group-mate. "I'm not mad at you, D. I know you were just trying to protect me. And you have helped me, D, you do it all the time. You're always there for me, you always try to make things easier on me. And that means so much to me."
Howie hugged the boy tighter, closing his eyes in a futile effort to stop the tears. "Nicky, I'm so sorry I never knew. I'm sorry I never saw what was happening to you."
"It's okay, it's okay." Nick looked up and locked eyes with Kevin, his thoughts somehow clear to the oldest Backstreet Boy.
//These are the wounds I was talking about, Kev, the ones that never heal. I was right when I said guilt is a curse, in the sense that Lou didn't even have to touch you guys to make you feel it, maybe even deeper than I do. To get rid of it completely is hard, maybe even impossible. But even so, I don't want you guys to feel guilty.//
"I don't want you guys to feel guilty," Nick said out loud, as Howie reluctantly pulled away.
A.J. shrugged. "Sometimes you get extra baggage when you love someone a lot. That's just the way the cookie crumbles. And in the end it's more than worth it."
"It is." Howie cautiously approached Brian. "Bri, I can't believe I did that to you, or said those things. You have every right in the world to be furious with me, but I hope someday you can for -"
"I forgive you," Brian interrupted, smiling honestly. "You made a mistake, yeah. But I'm glad to know that my boyfriend has so many people looking out for him."
Kevin laughed as Brian and Howie embraced. "Wow. 'Boyfriend'. This is gonna take some getting used to."
"But we're behind you guys. Not physically of course, that's a place even I won't go, but we support you two one-hundred percent. Congratulations!" said A.J., wearing his Cheshire-Cat grin.
Howie, Kevin, Marcus and Tom echoed their agreements. Brian took Nick's hand and smiled gratefully.
"Thank you, guys. Your acceptance means the world to us."
Kevin slipped into his group-dad voice. "Okay, guys. Bri and Nick have just taken a big step, so -"
"Coming-out party!" A.J. whooped.
"Ahem. No. So, we should give them some time alone."
A.J. cackled wickedly for a moment unitl Howie elbowed him in the ribs and dragged him toward the stairs. Each member of the small crowd gave Brian and Nick one last encouraging smile before heading downstairs. The new couple returned to Brian's room.
"That was...weird," Nick commented, settling on the bed. He looked up to notice Brian gazing at him, teary-eyed. "What's wrong, Frick?"
"Nothing. You just have no idea how happy you're making me. I always told myself I could live without the day you'd tell me that you love me, because I never thought it would come. Now that it's here...God, part of me still thinks this is a dream."
Nick smiled as Brian's arms slipped around him. "Well, if this is a dream, then we just won't wake up. Having a good dream again sounds nice, especially after so many nightmares."
Brian leaned against Nick for a moment, their foreheads touching, before recapturing his lips. This kiss was less hesitant than the others, but it remained gentle and curious, while growing desire between the two gradually deepened it. They paused as footsteps approached the door outside, and pulled apart just as it opened.
Kevin grinned at them, relief relaxing his serious face. "Guys, quarrantine's over. Jeff just called - they caught the would-be kidnappers."
"When?! How? Who are they?" Brian demanded.
"Just a little while ago. Jeff didn't have amny details, but apparently it was a couple of fans - three girls and two guys. One of the girls realized how serious what they were doing was and confessed. So, everything's cool now. I just wanted to let you two know - I'll leave ya alone now."
"Thanks, cuz," Brian said as the door closed. He and Nick breathed a shared sigh of relief as they lay down on the bed, snuggling together in an intimate, more than sexual, way.
Nick sighed against Brian's shoulder. "Some fans we got, huh Frick? I'm glad most of them aren't dangerous."
"Yeah. But I'll protect you, baby."
The blond laughed. "You know, ever since this group started I've been referred to over and over as 'the baby'. And it always drove me nuts. But I kinda like it when you say it."
"Baby," Brian whispered, running his fingers through his best friend's fine, silky hair.
Nick looked up at his boyfriend's face, as though seeing that familiar smile for the first time. There were a million things he wanted to say - about how he felt, what he hoped for, how he was enjoying the perfect peace of the moment. But no words would come. The teenager could only grin at his heart's new guardian with that same adorable doofiness he'd once laughed at. But it was okay. For now, everything was wonderful.
As Nick gazed into Brian's eyes, he saw his whole world reflected in them. And it was beautiful.
~to be continued~ Questions, comments to me, DaraLynn, at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com As this part was very important, I hope I didn't disappoint anyone.