Legal Note From The Sarcasm Department
Do not read this story if:
You are not over 18 years old (or the legal age where you live).
Reading this story will land you in jail (unless you're into that type of thing).
You don't want to read about men touching other men in somewhat inappropriate places.
You are prone to masturbatory spraining.
This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to represent or reproduce any person or situation. If this seems to mirror your life in any way, you're a lucky bastard.
Enjoy!
His Secret Life ===============
After what seemed like an eternity of driving, Sarah finally pulled into my driveway. I was still staring out the window as if the answer to my dilemma was somehow written in the stars. Sarah put the car in park and placed her hand over mine.
"Hey... you gonna be OK?"
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.
"I guess so..."
Sarah frowned.
"Look Erik... I know you don't want to hear it right now, but I really think that things will work out in the end."
"You're right. I don't want to hear that right now because it's bullshit! You know what's been going through my head every day for the past year? 'I wonder how he's doing' or 'I wish I had said something' or 'Why didn't I talk to him earlier?'"
I grimaced as I felt a few stray tears rolling down my cheek.
"Every fucking day I stumble my way through, working on my music or writing terrible poetry or trying to write a song that would make me feel better. None of it works. Do you know why I haven't really dated anyone in the last three years? It's not because there's no one that wants to date me, it's because no one wanted to date me that was Terryn. Every time a guy starts talking to me, I reflexively start thinking about how they just don't stack up to the wonderful mental version of Terryn that they're unknowingly competing against. The saddest part is that I don't even know the guy! All I know is what kind of car he drives, how he looks and how even after all this time that watching him smile makes my insides melt. I've fucked my chances at a love life because I can't get over an infatuation! And to top it all off, he's dating someone... a man, no less! But that man's not, and never will be, me. What fucking kills me is that even knowing what I know, I'll probably still go to bed idly hoping that one day he'll be mine."
When I had started that little tirade, I was waving my hands energetically and passionately detailing why my life was so fucked. By the end, though, it was as if all of the wind had left my sails and I slumped into the passenger seat. I groaned as I heard the ever too cheerful tones of Sarah's cell phone.
Sarah reached into her purse to grab the phone. I yanked off my seatbelt and opened the car door, suddenly desperate for fresh air. I angrily wiped my eyes and started pacing next to the car. In the span of just minutes, I had moved from despair to anger and was starting to feel the adrenaline rush. To this day I couldn't tell you exactly what went on in my head right then. It felt like my whole world was collapsing on top of my head, and still the only thing I could think about was him. Sarah hopped out of the car and stopped my pacing with a fierce hug.
"You're gonna be alright Lucky Bear. Again, I know you don't believe me, but I think you will."
"Whatever you say, Sar-Bear. Now I just wish that I had said something years ago when I had the chance."
"Hey, I know this is off topic, but do me a favor?"
"Sure, what?"
"Tomorrow night, make sure you play that song you've been working on. I want Sunny to hear you sing, and I think that will be perfect."
"I think I can talk the guys into it. Was that her on the phone?"
"Yeah. She's really looking forward to seeing you guys play tomorrow."
"Well, hopefully the show will go well. I just hope that I can concentrate tomorrow."
"Look, Erik... get some rest. I know things look shitty right now, but like I said, I have a gut feeling that everything will work out."
"Oh, the life of the optimist is so enviable sometimes."
Sarah slapped my shoulder gently.
"Ahh, there's the sarcastic Erik I know and love. Get some sleep babe. I've got to get home."
"Alright Sar-Bear. Say hi to Sunny for me."
"Oh, don't worry, I will."
Sarah and I hugged again and she handed me my keys. With a quick peck on the cheek, she started heading to her apartment. I quietly let myself in the house, crept to my room and got ready for bed. I tried following Sarah's advice, but sleep eluded me for some time. I got back out of bed and grabbed a sheet of paper. I'd had a melody floating through my head for weeks, but had never gotten around to putting it down on paper. Once the music was done, I started to think about writing words for the song. I kept writing and writing, but none of the words seemed to fit. When I finally stopped trying to think and just started to write, the words almost leapt from my pen.
I now had a song, but no title. I read and reread the words, but none of them really hit me as a workable title. I sighed and glanced around the room. Suddenly, the title came to me.
"3:05 AM"
Pathetique ==========
Three o'clock in the morning is a terrible time to be ripped rudely from a deep slumber. The raucous sounds of Jeff's snores had sliced through my dreams like a hot knife through butter, leaving me to stare bewildered at the soft red glow of the alarm clock next to Jeff's bed. The ruby light seemed to mock me as I watched the numbers shift far too slowly for my tastes. I tried to cover my head with the pillow and get back to sleep, but I had no such luck. Between Jeff snoring and my own turbulent thoughts of late, I knew that it would be some time before I would actually be able to settle down again.
3:05...
I slowly worked my way out of bed, doing my best not to disturb Jeff. As always, Jeff had managed to stretch himself out so that he was covering a disproportionate amount of the bed, clutching his body pillow in a white knuckled death grip. I couldn't help but feel sad when I realized that only one person had ever gotten the opportunity to see him like this as often as I had. It was depressing in a way... only in slumber did Jeff's body allow the normal happy facade to slide into a state of relaxation. In all of the years that I had known him, Jeff always had a faint look of sadness on his face as he slept. He gathered his pillow to him as if he was a drowning man and the pillow represented his only chance for salvation.
3:12...
I slipped out of the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. A quick glance in Jeff's fridge confirmed my suspicions: nothing but a few beers and an old Tupperware full of a substance that I couldn't immediately identify. I shuddered at the sight of it, closed the refrigerator door and poured myself a glass of water. When I passed the kitchen table, I noticed that the light on my cell phone was blinking. Flipping open my phone, I saw a text message that simply read "It's Sunny... call me." According to the call log, she had sent the message right around the time that I got to Jeff's house, but apparently I had been too distracted to notice the vibration in my pocket. I put the cell phone back on the table, grabbed my cigarettes and moved to the back porch.
As I sat on the lone chaise lounge, my thoughts drifted back to Erik. I had only known the guy for one day, but I already felt that not having him around was going to be the worst possible part of my day. Somehow he had weaseled his way into my head like a snatch of a song that I just couldn't let go, and my best possible efforts to forget about him were so far in vain. With the briefest of lapses in concentration I could easily see him in my mind wandering around my apartment in his boxers, or just turning over in bed and flashing that beautiful smile at me for no real reason. Even the fact that I knew that he was married and had kids wasn't enough to keep my heart from racing every time he crossed my mind. I frowned, and tried a little meditation to help calm me down.
I stared at the tip of my cigarette, watching the soft glow of the ember and tracing the wisps of smoke as they curled lazily through the air. The simple contemplation of the smoke helped clear my thoughts a little, and gave me some time to just sit and enjoy life. Eventually, I crushed my cigarette out in the ash tray next to the lounge and pulled my knees up to my chest. For some reason Jeff's normally busy neighborhood had taken on an odd calm, forgoing the usual hustle and bustle of people getting onto and off of the nearby freeway for the sounds of crickets chirping and the soft hooting of a distant owl.
Lost in my reflections on the newfound silence, I didn't even hear the patio door open.
"Want to talk about it?"
I turned to see Jeff standing in the doorway, wrapped in a blanket and frowning at me. I just shrugged, and he walked over to where I was sitting, sat behind me and wrapped the blanket around the two of us. It hadn't felt that cold outside until the blanket was around me, at which point I realized that I had spent some indeterminate length of time sitting outside in just my boxers. I shivered gently and lit another cigarette.
"I'm sorry Jeff... did I wake you up?"
"No not really. I was having a dream that you were crying, and when I woke up you weren't in bed anymore. I figured I'd find you out here."
He reached forward, took the cigarette from my fingers and took a drag. I leaned back into him and tried to figure out how to say what was on my mind.
"What do you do when the only thing that seems right in your life is the absolute wrong thing to do?"
Jeff was silent for a while, and slowly exhaled.
"Tell me again exactly what you saw when you first looked at him."
I turned around and looked at him quizzically. He handed the cigarette back to me and closed his eyes. Unsure of the point of the question, I took a drag and thought carefully.
"The first things I noticed were his eyes. I know it's cliche to notice them first, but he has wonderfully clear grey eyes with little flecks of green in them. I can't describe just what makes them so special, but his eyes are... I don't know... just... happy. The whole time I was in there he looked like he was actually glad to see me for some reason. In my entire life, I've only seen one person with eyes like that, and that was years ago."
Jeff just nodded and took back the cigarette.
"After that, I guess I noticed his lips. He's got almost feminine lips, and when he concentrates they get all scrunched up into a tiny little bunch. No, I take that back. I noticed his hair next. You remember Sandi Torini's hair?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, his hair is that color. It's like a deep fiery red, but there were little streaks of blond running through it. Oh! He's got hair EVERYWHERE! His shirt collar was mostly unbuttoned, and I could just see a little tuft of hair peeking out. The hair on his arms is the same color as his head, and each little hair reflected the overhead lights."
"You've got it bad, bro. I couldn't even tell you about my ex in that much detail, let alone a guy I'd only known for less than a day!"
I sighed and finished off the cigarette, crushing the butt angrily into the ashtry.
"I know it's fucking sad, isn't it? One fucking day and I'm mooning over him like a 12 year old. One god damned day! It's been way too long since I've even thought about anyone like this and I have to go out and pick a married straight guy. I see plenty of gorgeous men every day, but when it comes right down to it NONE of them have affected me like he did."
I got up off of the lounge and started pacing.
"It's not fucking fair! You'd think that I would have learned after the whole Kevin fiasco, but nooooooo! Here I go again, lusting after unavailable guys and tying myself in knots over it!"
Jeff just wrapped the blanket tighter around himself and let me vent.
"Why this one? Why now? Why didn't I get my coffee this morning at the coffee shop by my house? Why did I choose that one? And why do I feel so fucking miserable right now?"
Jeff smiled.
"It's fate, bro. No matter what you do, you can't escape it. You want to know what I think?"
"Oh, please enlighten me wise sage of the ages!"
"I think that you know that there's something between you two. If you really accepted the fact that he was happily married you wouldn't have thought twice about him. Now, I'm never one to suggest being a home wrecker, but something tells me you should go the extra mile with this one. I know you didn't believe me earlier, but I really think that he came over to your place for a reason, and it wasn't because of your license. Terryn, I know you better than just about anyone else on the planet, and I know that your gut instinct is usually right. What does your gut say about this one?"
"Oh, I don't think my gut has anything to do with it. I do know that parts of me are screaming go for it, but they're only in the general gut region."
I couldn't help the wan smile that crossed my face. Jeff stood up and headed for the door.
"C'mon, let's go inside. If you stay out here much longer, you'll freeze those tiny little balls of yours off!"
"That would make you happy, wouldn't it? Then you could put them in a little jar to remind you of what you're missing!"
Jeff just closed the glass door and stuck his tongue out at me. Behind his head I could see the pale white glow of the oven clock.
3:56
The last thought that passed through my mind as I fell asleep was that it had indeed been a long day... and that the rest of week wasn't shaping up to be much easier.
================ Author's Note #5 ================
Yes, yes... this WAS a short chapter. Day 1 is now officially over, and we head into Day 2 to see what's ahead. To those who have sent email, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those who haven't emailed... what the hell are you waiting for!?! Actually, I just hope that you're enjoying the story and continue to do so as things get more complex.
This story is dedicated to the perfect man in an imperfect situation... here's to hoping that the future brings better tidings.
Copyright 2004 by TehGenius. Comments and constructive criticism welcome at stories@tehgenius.com.