JACK
I slept fitfully that Thursday night having nightmares about things almost three years in the past, until I had a dream about the first time Rob and I had sex. We were in Denver and had been out for the night with the only girl he'd ever had sex with. It was a remarkable experience meeting her and it made it impossible to resist Rob when we got back to the hotel and he made it clear he was ready.
That night... God, I'd wanted it to be so perfect. We'd been together more than a month at that point and we'd never done anything more than kiss and play around, not even jerking off together or a blowjob. I'd been so happy just being with him that the lack of sex was irrelevant to me. I also wanted to make sure we went slow and were very careful. Emotionally, he was with me but he was still hurting and he knew I was as well. I just knew that when it happened, he needed to take the lead.
However, when the moment came, I was the one who whispered the words, only to be met by the most insistent version of Rob I'd ever encountered. Suddenly, I HAD to slow him down because I realized this was not the direction in which I wanted to go. Sex for me had always been like that, hurried, aggressive, needy, and selfish. I sought my own release and if you enjoyed your time with me, then great.
What I wanted with Rob was something apart from that, something new. Toby and I had talked about what they'd done together, but never in graphic terms because Toby had limits. But one thing that was clear was that, for Toby at least, the experience was pure bliss and every time it left Toby even more in love with Rob than he'd been before. I wanted to experience that and I knew my actions had to be different, so I slowed Rob down and we did something that I can only describe as beautiful. It left me completely fulfilled to the point that I didn't sleep much, opting instead to stay up and watch over him. I loved that I was able to do that, to give him the comfort to sleep without worry, to know he was safe.
I won't lie, there was an element of anxiety about 'measuring up' to Toby, which in hindsight was stupid. Nothing about US was based on Toby, other than the push from him that got us together. No, I was never going to be him but as Rob pointed out, on more than one occasion, we had to build something for us. It had always been about us. While we both loved Toby, neither of us could replace him for the other. We had to find something new.
As I stirred out of bed, I realized I'd left music playing, though so lightly that I could barely make it out. I went into the kitchen and started some coffee and as I sat back watching it brew, I realized Far Away From You was playing. Rob and I both liked trance, but this song just wasn't one of his favorites... it was one of mine. It was something I loved that he put on this playlist, one I'd started playing last night to fill the room with something that reminded me of him.
I started to tear up, thinking about how broken I was in 2012 and how he put me back together. A year later, I was complete again, really for the first time since my father had died and this song always reminded me of that. Because of the way Rob dealt with triggers, he didn't perceive music in a linear fashion like so many people, he was always interested in the music itself, then the lyrics, and then maybe the meaning of the lyrics. For me, it was more straightforward and I guess it was why he never really liked this song because he didn't understand what it meant to me.
As I poured a cup of coffee, I took a deep breath and visualized my day before me. I would train, I'd already called one of my old partners from Dallas to come down to get me ready for tomorrow. Then I would go to practice, then come home and rest. I knew what I needed to do. I decided, in that moment, there was no way I was giving up what I had. This was no longer just about protecting Rob, it was about protecting the life we had together.
ROB
LA is a lot of fun when you're in town for a short visit that's planned and not forced on you by some sadistic freak who wants to play games with your boyfriend. While Jack may have found it easy to let Carlos off the hook, I did not.
Surprisingly, though, I was quite calm. I'd slept 10 hours and felt great when I got up that morning to an empty condo with a note on the kitchen counter.
We had to go to class, just stay here and relax. Bruce will be here by 11 and we'll hook up with you guys later this afternoon. XO, J&L
WITH an actual ampersand. I loved them, but sometimes their shit made me want to puke. No, that's bullshit. They never bother me, I am just in a terrible state of mind and I'm angry at the universe. Then I looked at the clock and saw it was already 1040.
I dashed off to the bathroom to take a quick shower and then dressed. While I was slipping on a pair of Vans, the bell rang and I looked over at the clock which said 1102. Bruce was nothing if not punctual.
I buzzed him in from the panel at the door, then cracked the door and went into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. While I was looking in the fridge, I felt him and looked up to see his face, full of concern, as if I was here for a visit with a world-renowned oncologist who was probably going to give me bad news.
I smiled back at him, "Why so glum, chum?"
He looked back at me, confused, before a small smile appeared on his face.
"You seem to be handling things well?"
I let out a small laugh, "Sleep and meds, nothing more. I can't control anything that's happening, I'm scared out of mind for Jack, and I'm basically a basket case on the inside. But on the outside, well, I just decided I'm going to try to do my best impression of the Dude."
He moved in, shutting the door to the refrigerator and pulled me into a hug, which helped relieve some of the tension.
I wiped at my eyes, "I kind of knew something would come at some point, but I never in a million years expected this..."
"How could you, Rob? He did what he thought was best, he tried to protect you from it and it didn't work out."
"Oh, it's so much worse than that. Is that what Josh and Lane told you?"
He nodded.
"Well, that's far from the whole story. Now, I have to get something to eat because these homos don't have any damn food in their place," I said, opening doors in a completely out of control fashion.
Bruce finally grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at him.
"Tell you what, let's go grab something and we can talk."
"Deal, but you have to drive. Josh doesn't trust me with his car in LA traffic."
We ended up at a place in WeHo, seated on the patio.
We'd chatted a bit on the way over, but it was small talk mostly. After the waiter took our order, I just sat there looking out into the street.
"Do you even want to talk about it, Rob?" Bruce asked.
I immediately responded, "Jack wasn't trying to protect me, he was trying to keep this from me because he didn't want me to know just how destructive he'd been." I turned to look directly at Bruce, "He told me bits and pieces over the years but I just brushed it off, always keeping in the context of this was the past and not anything I would really care about. He wasn't graphic, which he should have been, if anything he was kind of dismissive about it. In his defense, I know he meant well but I also know he absolutely did not want me to ever really understand that side of him."
"Do you now?"
I sighed, "Yeah. And he's right, it scares the shit out of me. I'd heard stories about him. Hell, I'd even seen him fight, but NONE of that could have prepared me for what he told me. And I know this was all part of dealing with Toby's death, but that was just the surface level stuff. He LIKES hurting people.
He'd tell me off and on and that I made him want to be a better person or that he was glad he had me to make him think about stuff he usually would have just acted on. I thought it was sweet," I said, laughing, "I actually thought he was being nice. But he wasn't, that desire to bust people up, or worse, just to break someone because he could, was always there. I may have helped him hold it back, but it was THERE, Bruce."
"And you're worried at some point it's going to break free and he's going to come at you?"
"What's to stop him? I mean, physically, I'm no match for him. He curls more than I weigh..."
Bruce scoffed, "I CURL more than you weigh. So does Josh and probably a few other people you know."
"Cool, but I don't live with them and to my knowledge none of them have a violent streak a mile long."
"He loves you far too much to ever hurt you. I know that."
I sighed, "Maybe, but this is a part of who he is. He likes inflicting pain and it's completely alien to me. It's like I don't really know him and I don't know if I want to be with him. Forget him doing something to me, he's a person who WANTS to hurt people to see them in pain. Is that someone you'd be friends with?"
Bruce nodded, "I am friends with guys like that. You think he's somehow unique? People change over time but yeah, I know a lot of people who span the nasty range from simple bullies to people who just like to fight."
I know my face betrayed the shock I was in. "Why would you be friends with someone like that?"
"Simple, I like them for other reasons, that's just a part of who they are. I tell them to cool it, and over time they're growing up. It's not like any of them are genuinely bad, they're just a little on the violent side. If it doesn't affect me, the fuck do I care?"
I sat there silently for a minute or two before asking, "So, I'm just being a giant candy ass about all this?"
Bruce, looked at me with a hard expression on his face that gradually softened, "This really has you bent, doesn't it?"
I teared up a bit, "Yeah, it does. I don't understand it."
"What does that mean 'I don't understand it'?" he asked using air quotes which made me groan.
"Don't do that with the quotes," I said, rolling my eyes. "I mean I literally don't understand wanting to hurt someone because you can. Growing up, there was a mean kid I had a couple of altercations with and when the last one happened, I actually threw up after it was over. The memory of feeling my foot sinking into him, just a bit, as I kicked him makes me nauseous still."
He laughed, "I'm guessing YOU were defending yourself? Don't take this the wrong way, but you're not like most guys, even most gay guys. You're not aggressive, you're just different, it's not a bad thing, it's just that you'll never understand that rush most men feel in a fight because for you, it just makes you want to throw up. Do you like rollercoasters?"
"Not really."
"Exactly, adrenaline doesn't work for you the way it does for other people. It makes you anxious, nervous, and ultimately sick. You know that about yourself, but you've never connected it to what adrenaline feels like for everyone else. For other people, like Jack, it's a drug, the ultimate high. The fact that he's given that up for you should tell you everything you need to know. He loves you more than he loves the rush he gets from being violent."
"There's something else," he leaned back in his chair, "When you found Kurt fucking that guy in the next room, your instinct wasn't to go in and confront him. YOU were done. Your instinct was to get as far away from his as fast as you could. Most men would have gone in and beat the shit out of him, but you didn't. You don't think that way, if something really bothers you, you want to cut it out of your life completely. You do it by pushing things away, others do it by hitting someone."
My head was spinning as the waiter reappeared and put the food down. I started to eat and calmed down some, still trying to process everything Bruce had said. In my head, I knew he was right but there was still this emotional thing going on that felt like, somehow, Jack had trampled all over the trust I had in him. Until I remembered the conversation we'd had when he told me he was going to play football and quit fighting.
"Are you sure?"
He smiled, "Yeah, I'm sure."
"But won't this effect your business?"
He walked over to me, placing his hands on my waist, and just stood there staring into my eyes.
"That's over. I can't do that anymore now that we're together."
I sighed, "Jack, I can handle it if it's something you need..."
He had this amazing smile on his face, "Financially, I can stop. To be honest, I've been able to stop since last fall. There's enough for me not to have to do that... and the anger I had is just gone."
"Toby?"
"Yeah, once I knew you were going to be OK, I went a little crazy trying to get past him being gone and at one point I just realized I wasn't angry any more. Now that we're together, I know it's not an option."
HE'D done that. He'd made the decision. Whatever else came, he was in control of himself and he'd never let that control waiver since we'd been together. When he told me I made him think rather than act, he'd meant it. I swallowed hard as my eyes started to fill with tears.
"What's wrong," Bruce asked.
I wiped at my eyes with my napkin, "I've been stupid worrying about this and I just realized why." I took my time explaining what that conversation had meant.
Bruce looked at me with a smile on his face, "So, you were prepared then for him to do what he needed to do, why not now?"
"I told Toby at one point that I thought Jack was trying to work out his anger with what he was doing, that it wasn't all about money. I was right, but only about halfway... Jack really LIKED the violence and it's a part of him I didn't know. This whole thing has been a shock, from Carlos to what Jack finally came clean about. What I didn't focus on was what he'd told me, that it didn't work with me in his life anymore. You're right, he made the decision to change, to let that go, for me. And he's never given me even a tiny reason to fear him, and I've seen him really mad about things.
So, now I'm feeling relief and shame for ever doubting him, for even thinking that I should fear him."
Bruce wiped his mouth on his napkin, then looked at me hard, "You know I love you but you've got to stop jumping to conclusions and letting fear run you."
That pissed me off and I could feel the heat coming off my face as I got up, grabbed my wallet, tossed two twenties on the table, walked out, and called an Uber. Fear wasn't running my life, but it was a factor and very justifiable. Bruce had no business talking to me that way, it was rude and condescending. He completely misunderstood what I'd said and how I felt, and he'd done it in a way that showed me he'd already decided what to think before we even sat down.
He walked out of the restaurant, then sheepishly over to where I was standing on the sidewalk.
"I've already called an Uber,"I told him, icily.
"I went too far, didn't I?" he asked.
I looked at him incredulous, "What the fuck do you think?"
"You don't have to get so mad about it, Rob. I'm only trying to help."
"That's the problem. Just after I figure out that I've been stupid, you pile on and it's just too much. Bruce, I love you but next time go easier on me, OK?"
His eyes started to water, "I'm sorry. Cancel the Uber. I don't want you alone right now."
I kind of stifled a laugh, "Trust me, I'm not going to kill myself..."
He got close and wrapped his arms around me, "It's not because of that, it's because whether you'll admit it or not, you need someone with you now, even if it's just someone sitting beside you watching TV."
We went back to the apartment and started some movie which, for me, lasted about 20 minutes before I curled up and went to sleep. I didn't wake up for a few hours, not until I heard Josh and Bruce talking. They were trying to be quiet, but neither could pull it off.
"... it's been this way since the accident. He wasn't aggressive before, but it's like something altered in his brain and it's just intensified. He noticed it a few months after and told people he was softer."
"He's still assertive?"
"Yeah, yeah... he's not going to let anyone walk on him, but he does it in such a casual way it's really breathtaking. You don't see where he's going until he gets you there and then it's all settled, and it's settled his way. Cat's even been taking notes since his way just leaves everyone feeling good."
That one made me laugh. They'd been saying I'd developed a talent for mesmerism after the accident, but that wasn't the case at all. I just explained things in a way that made sense to me and people usually got it. It didn't come across to them as being demanding and so their natural defenses never tripped.
I honestly don't know when I started doing it, I guess not long after Jack and I started dating.
"Are you worried about him?"
"I'm worried about this situation. I'm worried about what happens to him if something happens to Jack. It's going to absolutely crush him. You didn't see him the day he came out of the coma, dude. It turned me absolutely ice cold and I grabbed onto Lane's hand as hard as I could. If that happened again, I don't know..."
I decided to let them know I was awake.
"I'll make it. I made it through losing Toby and if something happens to Jack, I'll make it through." I got up off the sofa and walked toward the kitchen where there were talking.
"Look, I know y'all think I'm as soft as room temperature butter, but emotionally I've been through a lot. I can deal with more than you guys think. It'll hurt like it did when Toby died if something happens to him, but I'll make it."
Josh gave me a hug and then I went to get something to drink.
"You know, you and Lane could maybe go to the grocery store occasionally. I mean, there's Topo and tap water to drink."
Josh rolled his eyes, "Well, we intended to go yesterday but..."
"No way, don't even think about blaming this on me," I said laughing. "Guys, I appreciate the concern, but I know Jack. He's going to make it. I don't know how I know, but I know."
JACK
Friday was a blur. I trained with Marcus until well after 2, then ate and got ready for practice. When I got home I didn't have the energy for much other than eating and heading to bed, but I decided to check on Rob, who looked about as lost as I've ever seen him. I could always tell when he was trying to keep something from me and though he was doing a good job of covering, it wasn't working with me.
"Tell me what's wrong?"
He shook his head, "I'm just worried, but I know I don't need to be."
I could feel my chin start to wobble, "It's OK to be scared, babe. I am."
I saw his eyes water and a tear track down his cheek as he let out a long sigh, "You're scared about me, and you don't need to be..."
"No, I'm scared for me. Rob, I don't know who I'm going to be up against, but everything is stacked against me... I'll be tired from my game, not to mention I'm more than a little rusty in the cage. I'm terrified, but not about you. You... I know you're safe no matter what happens."
I wiped at my eyes and laughed a little.
"What's really got me, if I'm honest, is that if something happens to me I'll miss our life together and I don't want that. I know I have to account for my actions, but losing that..."
"Then don't," he said, softly. "Don't lose. Win. You forget everything and be the old you for that time. You take all the rage and frustration that was ever in you and let it out on whoever they put in that cage with you."
"Babe..."
"No, Jack, this is what you have to do. I realized this afternoon that whatever you've been holding back because of me is precisely what you need to bring you back to me. And it's still there, I saw it in your eyes before I left. All this time, you've been so restrained and I'm thankful for that. But, right now, you can't be restrained. You have to free that part of yourself and let it take over."
Fear washed over me, because I knew he was right. It wasn't fear that I wouldn't be able to do what he was asking, but, instead, of not being able to button it back up when it was over.
"What if I can't turn it back off?"
He smiled, "You controlled it once, and this time it's for a purpose, to save us. You loved me enough to put that aside before, I know you'll be able to again."
I wasn't so sure, but I smiled back at him, "Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for loving me."
I watched as he kissed the tips of his fingers, then brought them to the camera and ended the call. I sat back, thinking about what he'd said and realizing he was right, it was the piece I'd been missing. Even today when I'd been training, something felt off and that was what it was... allowing myself to feel good about what I was doing. This WAS a part of me, it was one I'd kept in tight control for years, but now I didn't need to. Now, I could give into it, save myself, and save the life I had planned with the man I loved.
ROB
Josh and I stayed up late Friday night talking. Thanks to my fear of bad dreams and the naps I'd taken, I was anything but sleepy. We talked about a bunch of stuff, trying to avoid the elephant in the room until there was a moment of dead air and he dropped the bomb. This was, after all, Josh and he was still about as subtle as Kathy Griffin.
"Bruce told me about your conversation over lunch," Josh said as we sat playing hearts.
I sighed, "Yeah, it wasn't exactly my finest moment."
He smiled at me, "You know you can tell me those things as well. I'm not going to judge. I may not understand what you're going through, but I don't ever want you to feel like you have to hide how you're feeling."
"Honestly, I wasn't ready. I really didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was..."
Josh laughed, "I know what it is, you're finally seeing Jack completely."
"Oh, I don't know about all that..."
"Come on, Rob. You understood the fighting in an abstract way. You knew it was something he had to do to support himself and when that wasn't the case any longer, he stopped. You knew it was, in large part, because of you, but you never really understood that he liked fighting and that he was still very much that person. The man you fell in love with is more complex than you realized."
I put the cards down, "Yeah," I said, softly. "It scared me, and it shouldn't have. And now all I can do is hope and pray he allows that part of himself back out."
Josh nodded, "Say he does, what happens next?"
I sat back and took a deep breath. This WAS something I'd been thinking about.
"We figure it out. I figure it out. I'm past the point of worrying that something I do might trigger him, I know that was foolish and I understand that completely. But I also now understand HIM completely and I'll have to adapt to that. I can't let him bury that as deeply as he did, he needs it. And, since I need him, that piece is going to be a part of our lives from now on."
"You have a habit of making people out to be perfect and they aren't. You've had him on a pedestal for so long it's been hard finding out he's, you know, human."
"No, Josh, it's not just that... we're really different and I'm finding out that something that's a big part of him feels incompatible with me. I know I can get past it, but it just has me in knots."
"OK, then let me give you some perspective. Lane and I met a couple when we were in San Diego for the weekend a few months ago. One of the guys was in the military and he totally reminded me of Jack. His boyfriend was a big guy too and at one point he and Lane went to get drinks while we stayed at the table. I asked him if his boyfriend was in the military and he just laughed, told me he couldn't take it.
Now, I thought it was a strange thing to say because the boyfriend looked able. I asked what he meant and he told me that fighting makes him sick. They'd been together for three months before they had their first argument, and it was over something minor. During the argument his boyfriend got so upset that at one point he got up, ran to the bathroom, and threw up. Our guy thought maybe he was sick or something and went to help, and the boyfriend just told him no, that fighting makes him nauseous, even arguing, and that he was sorry.
He told me he just looked at him for a second, face covered in tears and obviously still upset, and he hugged him."
"He felt bad, didn't he? Like he'd made it happen?"
"That's what I thought, but the real reason was that he realized that what made this guy so attractive to him was his vulnerability. They'd only been together for a few months, but he'd always been so open with him and he'd just assumed it was because he hadn't been in many relationships. The reality was he just couldn't BE any other way. It honestly reminded me of you and helped explain why, after only being together for a few hours, he and Lane were getting on so well. Then he told me HE was the reason he'd stayed in the Marines after his initial enlistment was up."
"They got together and he re-enlisted?"
"Yep, and when I asked him about it, he just smiled and said that a lot of people in the military are serving because they want to protect the country at large, but more personally because they can fight in place of those who can't. His boyfriend, despite his size, couldn't really do much damage in a fight, he'd just make himself sick. So, he wanted to be out in front to protect him because he's the one person he cared about more than himself.'"
"Wow. That's fucking amazing..."
Josh smiled, "Yep. But it's kind of like Jack. That part of him never really served a purpose outside of him, now it does."
"Me?"
He nodded, "And you know that. Whatever comes after, that's going to be a piece of him that's going to be present, and you'll have to understand and accept that it, like everything else about Jack, is there for you. Just like everything about you is there for him."
We didn't talk much after that, just finished our game and went to bed. The subject had been chewed up, like a piece of gum, until it was getting hard and all the flavor was gone.
I fell asleep that night without worry and during the night Toby came to me. We didn't go to Charlie's grandmothers house, it was the park near White Rock where he'd proposed. I walked into it and he turned to see me, his face lighting up with an amazing smile. Much like Charlie the second time I'd seen him, Toby was different. He was no longer the man I'd lost, he'd changed.
"Hey babe," he said as he covered the distance between us and hugged me. "It's good to see you."
I smiled back at him, a tear running down my check, "I've missed you."
"Well, being dead has a way of keeping me from being there," he said, laughing. "You know he loves you and you have nothing to fear from him, not now nor ever. And he will make it through this, I promise."
"I know, Toby. I think I may have reminded him of something tonight when we talked..."
"You did. And I can tell you when you see that look in his eyes, YOU must always remember it's not for you. And it will be there occasionally from now on. You can't let fear drive you, you have to know deep down how much you need him, all of him."
"I do. And I know how much he needs me."
"Then this is it. Do me a favor?"
"Anything..."
"Be careful tomorrow and make sure you tell him about this. Don't keep it from him."
"I will," I replied as buried my face in his neck one last time.
JACK
Friday night I slept very well and even had a dream about Toby. To be honest, I wasn't surprised to see him, but I was surprised he'd waited so long.
"How are you feeling about tomorrow?" he asked.
"Good. Far better now."
"I told you Rob would be necessary to you in ways you couldn't imagine. This is what I meant. You helped bring each other back to life, but he helped give you the control you'd been missing, the reason to show restraint. Now, you're going to show you've mastered it by allowing yourself to move beyond it."
"Toby, I'm worried..."
"Don't be. He knows he's got to grow as well. He won't be fearful in the way you imagine, just go easy with things as you start to regain yourself and remember, always, YOU are worthy. Don't ever forget that. The man you have become is exceptional in so many ways and this is just one part that you're going to need. It's one part you've had draconian control over but one you can now stop being scared of. Tomorrow, when the time is right, you'll remember who YOU are and it will make all the difference in the world."
I woke up around 8 and went for a jog, then went to the sparring gym I'd been using and trained for a while. When I got home, I ate, rested up and then went over to the stadium for the game. As I walked in, I knew myself again. This wasn't a new feeling, it was one that had been like breathing to me for a long time, at least until Rob. I questioned now my decision to bury this part of myself. I thought I had changed and, in many ways, I had for him. I thought I'd let this part of me go, but I realized now all I'd really done was bury it. I had exercised enormous restraint and never allowed that part of me to show through. I thought it was the right thing, and now I realized it really wasn't. I'd never let Rob see that part of me because I didn't want to scare him.
And now, as I changed into my gear, I realized he'd seen it at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way... and he hadn't gone running. In fact, I'd forced him away to keep him safe.
Willy clearly knew something I was up when I smiled and nodded at him, I could see it in his eyes. Willy was such a good guy, but even he recognized that look, and his eyes went wide as he smiled.
"I don't know what's going on in there, but don't look at me that way. You look like a wolf stalking a deer."
By the end of the 1st quarter, after two penalties caused by nasty injuries inflicted by me, I was benched. I'd tested myself, twice, and twice I'd passed. Now, the coach was pissed at me and most of the guys who'd seen the hits were looking at me as if I was a different person. I guess from their perspective I was.
Willy came over at one point and sat next to me.
"This has something to do with Rob being gone, doesn't it?"
I smiled, "Kind of. I can't talk about it now, but I'll tell you tomorrow."
He sat back on the bench next to me and sighed, "I've always felt like I knew you..."
I sat up and turned to look at him directly, "Willy, it's me. I know you're worried and weirded out, but I need you to remember you're family. Whatever happens, don't ever forget that."
He looked hard at me, then nodded and got back up to go back on the field as I sat quietly through the remainder of the game. After a brief ass chewing by the defensive coach, I made my way home and waited. I wasn't nervous or keyed up, just ready. Calm and quiet ready. At 11, I walked outside and got in the car that was waiting to take me to the ranch.
ROB
Saturday I woke up feeling pretty good. We ended up going to a bar to watch the UT game and I saw Jack rack up two penalties quickly, one for unnecessary roughness when he broke someone's arm. Josh looked over at me and I smiled.
"He's going to be OK," was all I could manage to say.
We sat there for a couple of hours, then Lane and I went to the Getty to get my mind off things. Jack had told me he was being picked up about 11 and that it should all be over by 1 am so every time I looked at my watch, I did the time change and quickly calculated how long it would be until all this was over. While I was no longer as worried as I had been, I was anxious. I wanted to be back home with Jack.
About 7 Josh and Lane took me with them to meet friends for dinner. Around 9, we left there and went to a club which checked only to see if my ID was real, not if it was really me. We danced and had drinks, while I nervously kept an eye on my watch, until about 1030 when I realized I needed to hit the bathroom. I walked in and stood at a urinal, emptying out, when someone came in and stood next to me. The club we were in was a mixed crowd according to Josh, so I didn't think twice when the guy next to me obviously glanced down at my dick. Instead, I just calmly shook off, tucked back in, and walked away. I was washing my hands, firmly concentrated on them, when the guy walked up behind me.
I looked up into his face in the mirror and started to tell him I had a boyfriend when I felt the gun poke painfully into my lower back.
He growled softly, "Don't make any noise. If I have to shoot you, I will and it'll take out your kidney and part of your liver. You'll die here on the floor. Just move with me and things will be OK."
I swallowed hard, "Man, I have money. If you just want to rob me..."
"This isn't about money. Now, we're going to walk out of here and you're going to turn to your right to walk back through the emergency exit. I killed the alarm, so it'll be nice and quiet when we go outside."
I remember what I used to think when I saw a situation like this in a movie or on TV. WHY?!?!? Why are you letting the killer direct you? Make a scene! Do something! But in that moment, all I could think of was certain death vs a potential death sometime in the future. I'd opt for the future version of death and hope like hell something intervened. Shamefully, it didn't occur to me until later that if I'd made a scene, I could have gotten others injured or killed.
We got to the door, passing several people who were far too into themselves to even give a shit about us, and I opened it, taking a step down to the street. I heard it close behind us, then I felt him go slack and he just kind of fell behind me. I turned around slowly, only to see another guy kneeling over my would be murderer, pulling a knife out of the back of his neck. I started to shake and stood there, unable to run or say anything. Finally, the man looked up at me and smiled.
"You don't have to worry about this guy, but I think you and your friends should head home."
"Uh...uh... OK?" was all I could stutter out, which made him chuckle a bit. "Thank you?"
"Denada... Senor Aseguro is always happy to help."
JACK
I stared at myself in the mirror, knowing I was ready. This would likely my last real fight and it would determine the course of not only my life, but of Robs. I'd been sitting there for probably 40 minutes, working on my breathing and isolating muscles, getting them warmed up and ready, when one of the guards came in and said it was time.
I could see a little of the guy I was to fight through the cage on the other side. It took me a bit, but I finally realized I knew him. He'd worked for the Sinaloa cartel when I'd known him and while he wasn't as agile or skilled as me, he was absolutely brutal. He was well muscled and known for dropping guys with one punch.
Not knocking them out, killing them.
I stepped up and went into the cage and he entered at the same time. He looked at me and I could see the rage in his eyes. I realized, right then, I had him. He wasn't controlled and they probably had to give him some pharmaceutical courage to get him to fight. I smiled at him, grimly, already knowing I was going to hurt him in ways that would have left even observers scarred.
We walked toward each other, bumped fists, and waited. I looked over at Carlos who had just ended a call and was putting the phone back in his pocket.
"This is one round, to the death, no rules. Wait for the bell," Carlos shouted. I nodded at him, then glanced around. I saw the Obregons looking smug and prosperous. It was going to be a pleasure seeing them lose.
I took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled. I was calm and ready, completely loose as the bell rang and I felt Brazzo, my would-be executioner, throw a punch into my gut. I'd tightened up, but the punch still hurt. But that was only pain. A punch like that would have ruptured an organ for someone else.
For me, right at that moment, it was foreplay. I could literally feel my dick start to inflate.
As he leaned in a little too far to drive the punch, I jumped up and threw my weight into punching him in the head, driving him down. He quickly scrambled to get back up and we danced around for a while until he decided to charge. That pattern repeated itself and each time it ended with him doing nothing to me, but with me landing another punch into his head.
I wasn't hitting him as hard as I could. I was playing with him. It had been so long since I'd been able to do this, to really have fun, that the surge in adrenaline was like taking a drink of fresh water after a day in a dessert. It felt amazing as it washed over and through me, driving me higher and higher. There's a feeling in a fight, when you know you completely overmatch your opponent, of pure dominance. It's not just the chemicals your body pumps into your bloodstream, it's the realization that you can literally do anything to the man you're fighting and he can do nothing to stop you.
It's not like going hunting, because you're not stalking an animal. You're in control of the destiny of another human being and you can end them completely with ease.
That was a feeling I absolutely did not want to end. I was luxuriating in it, fully immersed and swallowed up by it. There was no way I would end this as quickly as I could. First, I would need to hear him cry out.
We were past a minute when he lunged again, but this time I grabbed at his arm and deliberately missed. On his next lunge, he exposed his other arm too much in a stupid attempt to keep me from grabbing his left. Instead, I grabbed his right, pulled hard on it and heard him cry out as I used it to swing my weight over his back and when I landed, I punched him hard in the head and followed it up with a punch to his jaw which I cracked, forcing him to stagger away to perceived safety. I didn't press the attack. I had what I wanted as I saw his face... that look of pure terror when your opponent realizes this is all a game for you and that you can do whatever you want to him.
I let him catch his breath and just bounced a little on my heels, staying warm. This was what I could never do in a ring in Dallas when I was in high school. I couldn't ever let someone know how much I enjoyed this. I glanced out of the cage and saw the demoralized look on the face of one of the Obregons. Carlos stood there stoically, the barest hint of a smirk on his face as he winked at me.
I danced over to Brazzo, and he backed away from me which sent a whole new feeling of power through my body. The fear of me had completely set in and right then, absent feeling it with his tapped-up hands, he wasn't sure his jaw was still attached to his face. This time, I lunged and opened myself up, giving him a punch into my ribs that really hurt. The fucker could hit HARD, maybe even as hard as me. I didn't hear a crack but I was certain there'd be a torn lig, maybe even a fracture. I broke off, and pushed away from him, which sadly only made him think he had me on the run. At that point I realized, he hit too hard to really play with, it was time to end this.
I felt the cage at my back and let him come closer, then spun slightly, kicking him back hard. Then I was on him, hitting him harder and harder in the head until finally, he went face down. I hadn't cracked his skull, I knew that, but he was definitely down.
But down didn't mean dead.
I looked over at the Obregons who were stunned, then at Carlos, and raised my foot over the back of his neck. I heard one of the Obregon women gasp as she suddenly realized what was about to happen. I tensed my leg, admiring the muscles just under the paper-thin skin, and prepared to drop my weight through my foot into his upper spine.
And at that moment a thought crossed my mind and it formed words. `You have your victory. It's enough.'
I dropped my foot slowly to Brazzos neck and tapped it where it would have landed and severed his spinal cord if I'd put force into it. I then walked to the door of the cage and stood there. The men behind it didn't know what to do, Brazzo was still alive. I made the decision for them as I slammed my fist into it and shouted, "Open".
I walked out of the cage and around it, to the waiting audience.
I glanced at the Obregons, then turned to Carlos and said, "Don Carlos, I fought to honor your agreement. I offer his life to you, in payment for the debt I owe you. If you want me to end him, I will, but I think he may be of use to you in other ways."
"THAT WAS NOT THE DEAL," the older Obregon shouted.
Carlos nodded, "No, but you broke the deal when you tried to kill the boyfriend in Los Angeles earlier tonight."
I saw red and began to move, only to feel Carlos's hand on my chest. I looked at him and he said, "It's OK, I took care of it."
I pulled back and stood there, glaring at the Obregons.
"No, this is over. You had your match and El Diablo won. It is settled."
Obregon stood there, defeated. Finally, he extended his hand toward me, I grasped it and we shook. Then I flexed by forearm and easily crushed his hand. I leaned into him and said, "THIS is for breaking the deal which I honored. If I ever see a member of your family so much as look at me or mine, what I did to Brazzo is nothing compared to what I will do to all of you," and I looked up at the other Obregons, meeting their eyes in turn, "Am I clear?"
They all nodded.
I released the Don's broken hand and they quickly walked out to their waiting cars as I stood, ramrod straight, watching them.
As they drove off, I looked at Carlos, "Tell me Rob is OK."
"Si, he's fine. I'm sure a little shook up, but my man made short work of the asesino. He made sure they went home immediately after."
I shivered slightly, the air was getting cool and the adrenaline was starting to wear off. He touched my shoulder, causing me to look directly at him.
"Carlos," I started, but was immediately interrupted.
"Hermano, it was good to see you back in action. It was like the old you was back, but I know it's different."
"It is. But no one needs to know that," I replied, smiling.
He looked at me as a smile crossed his face, "You're different. Something has changed in you, like something from the past mixed back in?"
"Yeah, that's about the size of it."
"Do you think your amo will be able to handle it?"
I sighed, "Yeah, he's the one who told me to bring it back."
Carlos shook his head, "This domesticated version of you..."
"Is me, now and forever." I paused for a moment, then asked, "Are we square?"
Carlos looked away, then down at his feet before returning to me, "Si, we're more than square. If anything, the Obregons should be more malleable now that they've seen how this worked out for them. And, of course, I can always make use of the man whose life you gave me."
I smiled, "I figured he would be helpful. He's a mean son of a bitch, make sure everyone knows he is me when I'm not there."
"I will. Now," he extended his hand, "we part ways but not for good. Remember, if you need help, I am here."
"Thank you, Carlos."
With that, he turned and walked away while I went back to the room they had me prepped in and changed back into my clothes. I could already feel the pain in my ribs, but I knew it would heal in a week or two.
As I walked out, I saw the man who had driven me waiting. He nodded at me and began walking with me not far behind. When we approached the car, he opened the door for me.
I smiled at him, "Thank you, but that's not necessary."
He nodded, "Sir, after what I saw tonight, it is the bare minimum I can do to show you the respect you deserve."
I nodded back at him and got in the car. It was strange, but I understood why he'd done, and said, what he did. It was common with a lot of the guys I'd known in Mexico. After the first fight, they didn't think of me as one of the boys, they knew I was different and that they should give me a wide berth. To be honest, it was one of the things I really enjoyed, that people KNEW what I could do and they respected me for it. It wasn't based on fear, it was what they felt they needed to do with someone they felt honored to work with.
As he drove me home, I looked out the window and let the realization that my world had changed sink in. I'd faced the storm and come through.
ROB
As I walked back down the hallway into the main part of the club, I started to feel a little queasy from the adrenaline, but was still mostly calm, as a I looked for Josh, Lane, and Bruce. I stood there for maybe a minute, I guess looking a little too lost, before one of Bruce's bros grabbed me and asked if I was OK.
"Yeah, I am. Just looking for Bruce and my brother. I need to tell them something," I blurted out over the pounding rhythm.
He grabbed my hand, and I followed him, increasingly aware I was kind of in a daze, over to a group that included Bruce. The guy, whose name I can't remember, tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around to see me.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
I smiled, "Why is that the first thing anyone says when they see me these days?"
Bruce didn't crack a smile, just leaned in close, "Because you look like you've seen a ghost and you're shaking."
I cupped my hand to his ear and told him briefly what had happened but was stopped by him shouting for Josh and Lane.
"We need to leave, now," he said to Josh who just nodded and started walking out. We waited for a few minutes while the valet brought the car which gave me time to fill them in. When the car got there, Josh made a big production out of checking the back to make sure we didn't have any guests.
Satisfied that things were secure, he motioned us all in then tipped the bewildered valet. The poor guy probably thought he was checking to make sure no one had been fucking in the back.
We returned to the condo and settled in. I looked at my watch which said 11:33. I figured I'd hear from Jack at some point and Josh made me a drink.
"You ok?" he asked as he handed it to me.
I glanced at my phone, it's smooth and shiny face black, and sighed, "Yeah. You see things like that in movies and you always think about the things the victim should do. It's so stupid." I took a gulp from the drink Josh handed me, "I can still feel his breath on my neck."
And right then, as the words left my mouth, my phone rang. I picked it up and recognized the number for the burner Jack had been using.
Hesitantly, I answered, "Jack?"
I could hear him sigh so gently that it made my heart jump, "I'm OK, babe. Everything..."
I cut him off as my eyes started to water, "That's all I needed to know. I don't want to hear the rest right now, I just want to know you're OK."
"Better than OK, and I'm still me."
That made me smile and laugh a bit, "Just you?"
"Well, me plus, but I think you'll like it," he said back, chuckling. "Carlos said he took care of a problem there..."
"Yeah, a guy named Aseguro helped me out."
Jack snorted. "He said his name was Aseguro?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Aseguro isn't a name, it's 'insurance' in Spanish. Carlos must have had him watching you to make sure you stayed safe."
I swallowed hard, knowing how much this next bit would hurt.
"Please thank Carlos, then, because he literally saved my life."
"I will," I suspected he was lying, thinking that it would be years, if ever, before he spoke to Carlos again. In fact, that moment, on the phone, was the last time Carlos's name would ever come up.
"I have a flight booked for tomorrow arriving at 4pm. Can you pick me up?"
"Yeah, I think I can make that work," Jack replied, the tiredness coming through his voice.
Rob smiled, "You need some rest, don't you?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty beat."
"Then get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."
"Rob?'
"Yeah?"
"I love you," he said as he started to cry.
Tears started to fall from Rob's eyes, "I know, and I love you, too."
Rob ended the call, then wiped at his eyes before looking up at Josh, Lane, and Bruce.
"He's fine and it's over."
Josh smiled, "So that's it? That's all we get?"
Rob got up and quickly covered the distance to Josh, embracing him tightly. He stepped back and looked at Lane and Bruce in turn, nodding at each. "Good night. We can talk about it in the morning."
And with that, he walked into the bedroom and fell into bed.
Jack
I was 30 minutes early getting to the airport. I woke up hard that morning, my nervous system playing a symphony of pain resulting from the activities of the previous day.
I got through security just as Rob's plane was being hooked up to the jetway. Standing there, calmly, a small smile plastered across my bruised face, I waited as the passengers from Rob's plane made their way past me. Several of them looked at me, but I didn't spare them even a glance as I was focused, fixated really, on the gate. I needed to see Rob.
I stayed strong for him. I stayed strong for myself. I stayed strong to keep my worst impulses and darkest desires hidden. I'd been strong for so long it didn't even occur to me that a break was needed, necessary even, and desperately overdue. While I was sore and still drained from the night before, I was buoyed by the realization that I would be different and that difference would be better for me and for Rob, that it would make us whole as we'd never before been.
And then I saw him walk out of the jetway and look for me, which made my eyes begin to water.
What started as moisture became a flood of tears falling down my cheeks as he walked to me, a broad and easy smile plastered across his face. He spread his arms wide and I grabbed him, lifting him off his feet as I bathed in the warmth of his embrace.
As I held him in my arms, I realized he was my strength, my freedom, and that forever was more than just a word.
Epilogue – Six Months Later
Willy
I'd been waiting for just a few minutes before I saw Jack and Rob walking up. Usually, I'd have gone inside to wait, but the weather was so beautiful that morning I wanted to enjoy as much of it as I could.
As they got close, Jack nodded at me and I just smiled back. Our relationship had changed ever since Jack's fight. We'd been buddies, but now it was clear he felt differently about me. We were still friends, but he was different, more like an older brother in his interactions with me. It was clear, at least to Susie and I, that he considered us close enough to him to feel like he needed to protect us.
It made me laugh when she first brought it up since I've never been one to need protection. Hell, a decent chunk of my childhood was spent keeping Rob out of fights, so having someone that felt the need to help me was weird.
And then I saw a video of him fighting years ago in Dallas and I realized that what Rob had told me was more than true. Being on the right side of Jack was a damn good place to be, especially now.
Jack stopped, looked at Rob, and said, "I'll see you tonight." Then he looked at me, smiling with that predator look in his eyes, "And I'll see you at 3."
I just nodded and he turned and walked on. Then I turned to see Rob smiling at me, almost laughing.
"What?" I asked.
"Things still feel off, don't they?"
I sighed, rubbing my head, "I know, I know. You don't have to tell me again."
He laughed, "Well, it's true. Whether you want to believe it or not. And sparring with him is a big deal for him. He's never done that with anyone, not even Mark or Toby."
"It's that look in his eyes. I only see it occasionally, but man it's terrifying. I know what Jack can do, and when he looks at me that way..."
Rob laughed, "It's like looking into a hungry wolf's eyes?"
"Yeah, it is..."
"You know he'd never hurt you, it's part of who he is. He's just different than us."
Willy rolled his eyes, "Different, right... how does it not scare the shit out of you?"
"I know it's not for me. He's thinking about something or someone he's going to make his bitch. I can guarantee when you see that look, it is never FOR you."
"I know, I'll get used to it at some point. You ready?"
Rob smiled back at me, "Yeah, let's go in and kill this final."
Author's note : I really must apologize for the delay in getting this out. Doing this, being in Jack's head, was pretty unpleasant and I freely admit to a great deal of procrastination. I don't know if this will be the end of Rob, but I wanted to give some finality to it just in case I never made it back this way.
Thank you all for reading this and a special thanks to those of you who took the time to write. The platform isn't really designed for feedback and it's special getting even a note of thanks from someone who enjoyed what we wrote.