The Conclusion of:
"And His Eyes be as Blue as the Sea":
"After Christmas Break"
by
Timothy Stillman
Jo was back on campus now. The weather had turned warmer. The snow had stopped. She sat in her dorm room, missing the hell out of Alton. She was on her bed and looking down at her hands in her lap. She wore tattered jeans, and a pullover red and white shirt. Her hair was brown and in bangs. In back, she wore it in a pony tail. It looked like an Old Master's rendition of a woman's hair caught in the backdrop of afternoon sunshine in Naples, circa 1840something. In fact, the all of her looked like a previous time, caught in painter's delicate shadings. Her color was pale, even the freckles on her tiny nose were pale. She seemed to always have these sad, big brown eyes, seeing where she was almost caught, then free again. She seemed like a lovely gingham doll, the kind of person, if you get too close to her, you lose her entirely to canvass strokes and meshes of sheer beauty.
Oddly, stupidly ironic, this was in part and in shimmers what Alton was thinking about her as she sat there, as he sat on the edge of his bed in his dorm room. He felt like the end of the world. He felt the monsters of Armageddon should just go be shoved out of the wings, stage right, Snagglepuss, and get over with doing whatever they were going to, then exit stage left, Snagglepuss; for he did not know how he was so wanted. The freedom he had experienced, the new world into which he had, like Scott Carey, gone running, and searching was a great ending for a novel, and a perfect ending for that one. But in real life, endings fray when you try to hold onto them, or when you try to let them go, because life is not writers controlling their characters. Real life doesn't really care, one way or the other. It's up to us.
Had Jo and Alton been aware of it, at that moment, Prof. Maples was in his classroom, getting ready for first period English, trying once again to imagine Shakespeare's histories as fascinating, so he could get them over to the bored restless, just back from Christmas break students. Matt came into the room, as Maples sat at his desk, looking through the textbook. Matt didn't know what to say. So he didn't enter the doorway completely. Someone coughed. Maples turned round and saw the boy. They caught eyes and then looked away again.
No one knew it at this point, but this was the end game. It, so far had begun to have the trajectory of going round in a circle, as Jo began to weep and put on a CD of "Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?" as she settled back on her bed with a Snoopy stuffed toy and a blanket around herself, though the room of cinderblock and forced heat was already too warm. Okay, she thought, he told me; Alton told me; and he wanted to let me know because he didn't want to be gay; and he told me because he is gay; and he wanted to let me know because it was his way of breaking up with me. Or, God, she shivered, was he not gay before he met me? Did I have this effect? Great, she slammed her small wrist against Snoopy's slooping stomach, then massaged that stomach and kissed the stuffed dog's cheek and apologized. She held it closer. Do I treat Alton like a stuffed toy? Do I own him? Did I think I did? Then I deserved..No, you have a lover, you owe each other respect. You owe each other commitment.
And Matt, taking a huge deep breath, went to Maples, knowing his huge size diminished the teacher and intimidated him. Matt said, "I want to thank you for the salt shaker. It was a good Christmas gift." The teacher nodded, thinking, well, yes, yes it was that and feeling mentally muddled, and foolish, for the salt shaker had been a gift from an aunt, and he had just passed it along to Matt, unopened, but had wanted to give Matt something, anything, like a way of thanks that he could not say verbally.
Matt nodded and took his seat. He said, "Dr. Maples, can I ask you something?" Maples nodded, putting on his act for public, keeping the real him hidden. And looked to the left of the boy. This was not the man Matt had finally seen at his house.
"Look, if a person is in love..." And Maples sighed a here we go again sigh, anchors away and remember me to Herald Square, but there was nothing between him and the boy, so why does it hurt so much anyway?
"I was at a bar last week. Came back to campus early. And there was this guy there...and...well---"
"He picked you up---" Maples added, thinking, why doesn't something original ever happen in my life? But this was Matt's life. And Matt did not know yet how obvious this was.
"Ah.." Matt looked at his desk. "Well...I don't even know his name..He doesn't know mine..He's married..And lots older..And he just wanted me for..well, one time..And then he left me off here at my dorm...and I asked him...and he said, well, no...."
Jo had had enough. She didn't know if Alton was back or not, but she decided to go to Ellington Hall and find out. She held her Snoopy for solace and courage, then put it on her bed, got her coat and was on her way.
Alton had decided^×try to talk to someone. A guidance counselor. No. That was bullshit. They just said things that were idiotic and insulting^×put a period at the end of it-get on with your life^×move on^×get over it^×the same crap the TV bozos like Dr. Phil, doctor of what?^×bullshitotology?^×though it was bizarrely hypnotic to watch him screw up peoples' lives right in front of Alton and the world and to be so pompously thick that he could not see what he was doing.
"I'm gay, Dr. Maples." Matthew had said it. "And I love Alton." There. He had said it. "And I don't give a damn^×well, of course I do, but I don't give as much of a damn as I did before, who knows it. That guy at the bar^×he was really wonderful-I mean he didn't look like much..but," nervous laugh," he really made up for it."
Dr. Maples said, "And what do you want from me?"
Making Matt angry, until he remembered Maples and his disguises, and how he could not expect any understanding from him now. Matt said, "I want to talk to Alton. I want to talk to him right now. Before I get any more nervous. I've been thinking about this all the time. I have to ask him. Yes or no. And if no, and we all know it will be no, will he still be my friend? That's what I have to do. I am more mature than Alton, you said so yourself, so I have to confront him. I have to make him grow a little, like you told me he should."
So Dr. Maples sat there for a time, then looked at Matt, and said, "go to it."
And smiled comfortingly and with understanding. Which Matt was deeply appreciative of, knowing what effort that took.
He smiled back at Dr. Maples and took off to Ellington Hall.
When he got to Alton's door, he knocked.
Inside the dorm room, Alton and Jo had been on Alton's bed, kissing. They were clothed. Jo had her heavy coat off. He had just felt her left breast and he had himself quite a hard-on. Jo had motioned him to ignore the knock on the door. He said, "No, it might be Matt." She had begun to push herself away from him, in anger. He had held her arm. Tightly.
"Come in," he said again, his voice tremulous, thinking of what he had had in mind. He didn't want to lose Jo. He didn't want to lose Matt. He had had this crazy idea and might as well^×
Matt stood at the opened door. He saw Jo almost off the bed, and Alton still sitting on it. He was angry, was Matt, almost as much as Jo was angry at Alton as well^×
Alton, who turned suddenly more mature in an instant, thus stealing Matt's blood and thunder, got up and stood between Jo and Matt. He said, "I want to tell you both something. I want to explain this thing as best I can. I have had the most godawful Christmas of my life. I didn't go anywhere. I stayed here the entire whole two weeks break. I had time to think, believe you me. And I am sick of everybody being angry with me. I'm sick of having to be what other people expect me to be. I don't ask that of others. And I wish someone would extend me that same courtesy."
Oh, so you don't?, thought Matt and Jo at the same time, but their eyes blazed less fire at Alton.
"I LOVE both of you."
Matt and Jo waited it out, trying to figure out which of them he was preparing this kiss off for, if not for both.
"I read a lot these last two weeks. Though I know reading is not one of my strong suits. But I came across a book. A novel. From a long time ago. It was kind of lame and out of date in lots of ways. But the thing is, it was about a sex college. A university where they majored in sex. The thing is, boys were with girls in their dorm rooms, and they got to know each other, and it was expected they would be naked with each other. And free with each other, getting rid of their hang-ups. And they could learn how to have sex. And how to love. These can be different things. They swam naked, all the students, and were required to be totally naked in their room. And they had sex in any combinations. Boys and girls. Girls and girls. Boys and boys. Three or four or five all together. "
Matt was looking at Jo in embarrassment, as Jo was looking at Matt the same way. Then both looked at Alton as though he had lost his ever-lovin' mind.
"I'd---" Alton said, hesitantly, "well^×"His mouth dry as rock, " like to make it with you, like from the song of the same name."
"Oh," Jo said, "I really don't think----"
"I couldn't get it^×no---"
Oh God, stick a fork in my eye and send me straight to hell. It could not be worse than this. His friends' eyes said, "You are nutty as a fruitcake."
"Look," Alton said, breaking the needle of the immature record at this point. And he unzipped his jeans. He was wearing no underwear. He pulled out his erect penis. Both Matt and Jo were fascinated by it, and then turned away. He wondered how he could have a hard on, and still all the blood be in his face to turn it red as blood? At least, his brain was dying from lack of it, and at the present time, that was, Alton knew, a very good thing. Just keel over please and bury me deep.
"This is way too freaky for me, "Jo said.
"Amen," Matt said.
Alton said, "Okay. Look. We don't have to. But I figure we've all of us been pretty goddam intimate with each other, so I'm not totally embarrassed^×come on, it worked for the free love generation before they copped out and became serial marriagers and liked the idea of working on Wall Street better than `grocking.'"
Matt and Jo laughed. Tension was breaking. Jo said, "What?"
Alton, in mid spinning dervish thoughts, said, "What what?"
Mo and Matt half turned to Alton.
"Grocking?????" Matt asked.
"Oh, `Stranger in a Strange Land'-I've been a reading fool since you've been gone. That means communicating. It means understanding. It means caring. It means what we humans have to do."
They each were laughing as they looked at Alton. Which made him laugh too.
"But grocking^×what a horrible word-"
"Ask Michael Valentine Smith about it..."
"Who?" Asked Joe.
"Look, it doesn't matter. Forget it. I am standing here with my dick sticking straight out of my jeans, and it wants to be played with, so if we could just get past all this serious as can be Greek drama, would one of you play with my tits, and would one of you suck me off? And then when we're warmed up, we could really get something going---"
Which was when Jo and Matt, almost as one, left the room, never to return. Jo and Matt closed the door very quietly.
At the end of that incredibly long day, which Alton spent the whole of in his room, crying, sitting on his bed. His nerves were, it seemed, on fire, from being rejected like no one had been rejected in the world. He had had his chance and his stupid little fantasy had killed it. If he had gone about it subtly, if he hadn't come on so strong..oh, fuckit..So as the day began to get dark, he decided a drink wouldn't hurt. Anything to knock him out.
He put on his warm, though not heaviest jacket, and went outside.
The bar was warm and free of its Christmas decorations and country Christmas music was not playing, as it had the couple of times he had been here, over the break, just basic "you took my girl, and I'm going to blow my head off" kind of country music. Forget Christmas had ever happened. Alton never wanted to go through another of those things ever in his life. He had been dumped like too breakable glass out of a tenth story window and he just wanted to get laid somehow by whomever.
He sat on a stool beside a shadow in the dark bar. The shadow ordered another whiskey. And Alton recognized the voice immediately. Alton wanted to leave immediately. But Dr. Maples said, "Give him what he wants too." The bartender nodded and Alton ordered a whiskey for himself.
"Did it go okay with Matt?" Maples asked. Then, regretted it. Being a little drunk. Had meant to keep all of that a secret.
Alton felt someone had hit him in the gut.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice not working well. His throat feeling closed up.
"He said he was going to talk to you---"
Matt all but shouted, "He told you??? He told you^×what???"
God, talk about being betrayed. Being double crossed. Did he tell Maples about what a fool he had made of himself with Matt and Jo? Then Maples said that Matt had come by before first period this morning, and had just mentioned he was afraid he had lost a friend, and wanted to see if he could patch it up.
Maples finished his drink.
"And that's all?"
Maples nodded. Careful not to spill the lie.
"He didn't mention^×Jo^×he didn't come back to talk to you later^×in the day?"
"No," Maples answered truthfully.
"Okay." Alton finished his drink.
And felt nicely warm and cheered. At least that embarrassment was saved from him. Maybe. If Matt didn't tell Maples and everybody else^×God^×that horrible possibility from Matt and Jo^×Alton seriously considered moving to Greenland. He stayed, however at the bar. He drank some more with Maples. And they talked about things. Incidental things. No importance. Then they discovered they liked the same kinds of movies. And liked some similar TV shows. And before an hour was over, they had gotten just a bit drunk, and were talking like old friends, instead of teacher and student.
And so it ended up about two hours later, after Maples and Alton had walked through the night cold, but warmer still than even the day had been, that they came to Alton's room, and Alton let them in. Maples sat on Alton's bed. Alton, feeling flying and warm and happy, felt this was like a movie. Therefore, as Alton made coffee, he told Roger, Mr. Maples' first name, to make himself comfortable, since that was a tried and true movie line.
And after the coffee, after the talk, after Alton had to convince Roger that he, Alton, star golden boy, who would never be star golden boy as he had been before, wanted to make love to him. Thus, they were naked with each other. And Roger who had a pretty damn nice looking body that his clothes had disguised, and a really great looking penis that was uncut and heavier and a bit longer than Alton's cut one, so they examined, with great interest, each other's genitalia closely, and laughing like children. Alton loved moving the foreskin back and forth. And in the dim dorm room lighting, sounds of other residents returned, songs and curses and doors slammed, and someone running down the hall and being chased back again, then Roger got on his knees and gave Alton maybe not a Picasso sunset painting in his penis, but, what Alton thought of as a Pascal summer sundown Saturday kind of feeling, happy to be alive, sad to see the night come, but knowing the sun will rise tomorrow again, and when he came, he came strong.
In time, the giving was reversed, and Alton sucked cock for the first, strange, difficult, fun, yes, it really was fun, time. Now he knew why Jo liked it so^×and threw the thought out of his brain as he concentrated on Roger Maples sighs and gasps as he held the back of Alton's head.
And for a while, everything was okay. And if things weren't okay later on, and you could make book on that, then happiness would return in one form or another. You could make book on that, too.
So Alton and Roger slept in Alton's bed, curled tightly against each other. Early the next morning, before sunrise, Roger kissed Alton awake and told him he had to go before the others in the dorm got up. Alton kissed him in return. And they made plans for the bar and afterwards tonight.
Alton watched Roger dress. And smiled contentedly. Feeling his own erection. Which Roger grasped, and Alton wanted him too^×but Roger said, "tonight then, seven?" And Alton responded, "On the dot."
And Christmas and New Year's were done. Alton wished Matt and Jo well. They would be ok, he thought. Besides, who said it was over even between any of them? Maybe that would work out. Right now, he jacked off and when he came, remembering the man's mouth on him, he came so hard; he hurt a muscle in his groin, as his left testicle throbbed. Is that what they call `busting a nut'? He got out of bed, had to take care of the stickiness. As he went, still a little looped, to the bathroom, missing the door just an inch at first, then getting it right, he laughed, and said:
"Grock."
Then he laughed again and for absolutely no reason, other than it was funny and he felt so very good:
"Ribbit."
It made his groin and ball hurt more and for some reason that was funny too.
It was, after the shower, when Alton was dressing, that he saw, on his desk, the Christmas gift Dr. Maples had left there, the one he had had under his Christmas tree for Alton.
It was not a salt shaker. And after Alton opened it, he smiled and was touched, and was welcomed into the world of men.
The End