In study hall the next day, all was returned to normal. Amber and her friends had reclaimed their normal territory, and the fragile ecosystem of the classroom was once again functioning properly. Well, maybe not. When Amber saw me come through the door, she stood up and came over. I was ambushed before I could get to my safety table.
"Hey!" said Amber even more spiritedly than usual.
"Hi."
"Listen, I was hoping maybe you would come sit with my friends today."
"Uh...I dunno...." I mumbled, giving her a pained expression.
"Come on, please? You're going to have to meet them sooner or later." She tried to win me over with her cute, coaxing smile.
It worked.
I nodded and rolled my eyes in my head as she dragged me by the arm to her table. We sat down and Amber's friends gawked at us like we had sprouted extra limbs, awaiting an explanation for the new addition.
"This is my girlfriend, Cindy," Amber said bluntly.
One of Amber's friends said, "Yeah, that's adorable, Amber. But really, is she your cousin or something?"
"Uh, no." Amber put her arm around me. "We're going out." She raised her eyebrows and smiled to her friends. To my surprise they all appeared to be okay with the concept of Amber dating me. Amber put her head up against mine and said, "Don't we make like, the cutest couple?"
Another of Amber's friends said, "Well, your little friend's kinda cute, but you...I'm not so sure about you...."
Amber let her mouth fall open and said faux-threateningly, "I'm gonna kick your ass, Brandon."
"Hey, easy there. Just a joke," Brandon replied.
"So Amber, we missed you at the party last night. If you were there it might have even topped last Sunday's," said some other kid.
"That'd be hard to beat, bro. We got soooo messed up! Man, I woke up the next morning wearing someone else's pants," said another.
"Haha, yup. The shit was good and the girls were hot! Ain't that right Amber?"
The guy next to me joined in the conversation by saying to Amber, "Yeah, whatever happened to that one chick? Sarah I think it was. You were sure getting cozy with her "
Amber shot him a death stare.
"...and I'm gonna shut up now."
"Yeesh, if only looks could kill," I heard one of them mutter under his breath.
The conversation continued on as usual after that (at least I assumed it was usual, I wasn't sure because I'd never sat with them before). I said nothing, and Amber was less vocal than usual. The borderline public displays of affection would take some getting used to, but I knew eventually they would seem second nature to me. After all, I didn't hate it.
I didn't really pay attention to what was being said after that. The comments about Amber's love life kept rolling through my head. To tell you the truth, it did bother me. Of course I knew about her reputation before getting involved with her, but hearing about a specific incident made me aware of the reality of the situation. It was like I was just one among hundreds, and not one of the better ones at that. Considering how special she was to me, it hurt to think about it.
After class, Amber asked if I was up to going back to our spot again. I agreed to go with her (as if I would have it any other way). Quiet car rides became a trend for us, and this drive to our spot could have possibly surpassed its predecessors on a scale of silence. The mood was completely unreadable. We arrived quickly enough, stepped outside, and sat down together on the grass. That day, the quiet had followed us out of the car. While thinking of something to say, the first things that came to mind were questions sparked by the earlier dialogue. Unfortunately, they were all potential bombshells, so I kept to myself.
Amber broke the silence. "Thanks for putting up with my friends. They don't know when to shut their mouths sometimes. I suppose it's good in some twisted way that they brought up some of this stuff though, because you're probably curious about my lifestyle anyways."
I was about to say something, but Amber cut in.
"I know in the past I haven't really taken relationships seriously. Cindy, you don't know this, but I picked you out of the crowd on the very first day of school. I don't think you had become aware of me yet, but the cute little girl in the back corner did capture my attention. It was a bit weird, because with any other girl I would have been able to walk right up and talk to her. But you aren't just any other girl. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not interested in one night stands and meaningless romantic encounters with nameless strangers anymore. That part of my life is over. I can do everything with someone and end up feeling so empty, but I could just sit here with you, doing nothing forever, and feel complete."
It was quiet for a while as I took in what Amber had said. It was very reassuring to hear her explain how committed she was, though I could already tell. The way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, kissed me. They all conveyed the same message.
I wanted to be content with the moment and keep it going for a while longer, but I still had concerns nagging at the back of my mind. I decided that I was never going to feel comfortable asking, so I might as well just do it.
"Amber, do you do drugs?" I asked in a defeated tone.
"Oh..." Amber mumbled, turning away from me. "You don't have to worry about that. It's just a social thing. I'm careful, I promise."
I stared at her with disbelieving concern.
"I promise," she said very seriously. "Come on, I haven't let you down before." She smiled and gave my shoulder a playful nudge.
I nudged her back and said, "I've only known you for three days."
The conversation was lost when we failed to stop prodding each other. Before I knew it we were rolling around in the grass, which ended when we came together in a perfervid kiss.
Amber drove me home a little later than usual that night.
"Are you sure your parents are okay with me keeping you out this late?" asked a concerned Amber.
"Yeah, it's fine. They're probably not even home," I replied in an unintentional monotone.
We arrived at my house.
"Thanks for the ride, Amber," I said.
"Don't tell me; show m," she replied with a mischievous smirk on her face.
This was my chance to redeem myself for choking up yesterday, so I wasn't about to waste it. I drifted in most of the way, and Amber met me there. We were only together for a couple seconds but we made them all count.
"Until tomorrow then," I said happily, grabbing my backpack and setting out towards my house.
As I heard Amber's car drive into the distance and I approached my front door, that happy feeling wavered a bit. I withdrew a silver key from my pocket and unlocked the door. As I entered, I called out for any sign of life, but as usual nobody was home.
It did not really matter if I was late or not, because no one would ever notice. Both of my parents are workaholics. My father owns and runs an understaffed family photography shop, and my mom does something with computers (although I'm not exactly sure what). I rarely see them, they rarely see each other, and the world functions thusly. That, however, was not the part that bothered me. I knew how to get by without them. The problem was that our house was just that. A house. It didn't feel like a home, it just simply served the purpose of being a roof over my head. There was no warmth to be found there, not since...
God, I'm rambling on about that again. We've spent the last three months trying to move on with our lives. I need to allow the past to stay buried.
The next day, I arrived at study hall early enough to catch Amber before she went inside.
"Amber."
"Hmm?"
"Is it alright if I don't sit with your friends today?"
"Yeah, that's fine," Amber said understandingly.
She opened the door and said politely, "After you."
I gave her an appreciative smile for her kind gesture and she followed me in.
`Well, I'm back by myself again. Maybe I should have just tolerated Amber's friends so I wouldn't have to be alone. Well I suppose it's safer here anyways. Safe is good,' I thought to myself as I navigated to the back of the room to my table.
When I turned to sit down, however, Amber passed by and took the seat opposite mine at the table. I was surprised, but a very, very good kind of surprised.
"Oh, I didn't mean you had to come with me," I said to Amber to make sure she didn't feel obligated.
"Well if you don't want me here, then-"
"No! I didn't mean that at all!" I exclaimed.
"Just messing with you." Amber smiled.
During class, Amber actually did work. This gave me some time to start drawing her again, and this time up close. I got a chance to master every perfect detail. The soft curve of rosebud lips; the deep, expressive pools of color in her eyes; the cute way her eyebrows turned up when her studies confused her. I found myself experiencing a very strong urge to get closer to her, but I suppressed it and continued drawing.
After class it was raining outside, so Amber and I decided that our regular spot was out of the question.
"Why don't you come hang out at my place for a while?" suggested Amber. "It's not very far."
"Sure." I agreed immediately, though on the ride over I started to become apprehensive. I would probably have to meet her family, and I'm a mess when it comes to being social. I have a habit of making terrible first impressions, and this would be something I really couldn't afford to screw up. What if her parents hated me? I always freeze up and sound mechanical and insincere in situations like this. I really hoped that I wouldn't say anything stupid.
"We're here," said Amber quietly as she pulled into the garage.
We got out of the car and I was a little shaky, though probably not noticeably so. Upon entering the house, I forgot all about my nerves.
My mouth flew open. "Wow...you live here?!" I asked in awe.
I hadn't noticed as we were pulling in, but Amber lived in the largest mansion I had ever set foot in. Everything was set up perfectly with acute attention to detail and it all looked very expensive. Very clean and tidy, and so different from my house.
"Eh, I guess it's alright," Amber said nonchalantly. Her reply was not the least bit stuck up, but rather it appeared she sincerely had no interest in material possessions. "Well, no one's home so I guess we'll just go on up to my room if you're cool with that."
"Okay." I could trust that she only had good intentions.
"You want something to eat first? We've got pretty much anything in the kitchen."
"No thanks, I'm fine."
"Then follow me."
We walked halfway up the stairs and then turned to travel down what must have been the east wing of the second floor. Amber opened the second door and gestured for me to enter.
I went in and surprisingly enough, Amber's room appeared completely normal. From the looks of the rest of the house, I would have expected it would be full of famous paintings and sculptures, but it was like any 16 year old girl's room. There were a few articles of clothing scattered around a hastily made bed, some slightly faded posters of old bands and swimsuit models on the walls, and a computer on a messy desk. Well, apart from the posters, her room was a lot like mine.
"Uh, you can sit down," said Amber, who was already sitting on a light grey, overstuffed couch.
"Oh, sorry." I took the seat at the other end.
I had almost forgotten about how worried I had been about meeting her family, but I guess I lucked out that I didn't have to quite yet. This meant I had some time, but the meeting was inevitable.
"So, where are your parents at?" I asked in an effort to start a conversation.
"Good question. They're probably with my little brother Ross. He's got down syndrome, so they spend all of their free time with him."
I had no clue how to reply to that, as I didn't think I'd be saddled with an answer like it. "That...must be tough."
"Ah, not too much. He's a good kid, handles it really well." Amber must have sensed that I was still uncomfortable, so she quickly changed the subject. "You have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yeah" I said, but immediately after I felt a terrible depression wash over me. I turned away from Amber. "Well, I did. I had a twenty-two year old sister named Julia, but she, er...she committed s-suicide this summer." I had never even said that out loud before, let alone in front of someone. The words echoed in my ears as they dragged themselves out of my mouth. My eyes stung with tears, but I was able to get a grip before it was too late to stop them.
"Cindy, I am so sorry," Amber said in a caring, maternal voice that I could tell wasn't faked.
"It's okay, I'm alright. It's...nothing."
"Something's bothering you."
I shook my head but Amber put her hand on top of it and rotated it until we were face to face.
"No, I want to help."
I gazed deeply into her eyes and made my decision to talk. "My parents are still always working, even after what happened. They never understood that if they'd spent some time with her, maybe they could have recognized the warning signs. I saw the changes in her, so I wasn't as surprised as they were, but it really shocked them when Jewels did what she did. I don't think they even noticed anything was happening to their kid."
"Kids. There are two of you."
"Huh?"
"Well, you being alone all the time. It gets to you too. I mean, I know where you're coming from. My parents are always with Ross, and when they're not they're working. It hurts to be alone."
We were drawn into a long kiss, but it was very unlike Tuesday's sweet scene. We were both driven by intense emotion. There was nothing soft and gentle about this kiss. The force behind it was the collective torture of loneliness. This kiss was marked with intense desperation. We tried frantically to find happiness in each other, tried to fuse ourselves together through our locked lips so we would never be apart, never have to be lonely again.
When it finished we were both crying--tears down our faces and our bodies pressed up tightly against each other. After the kiss, things were kind of awkward because it was weird to see Amber cry. To me she was always strong and stable, but just then she looked so vulnerable and helpless. Knowing that she had trusted me with her private emotions gave me the greatest feeling in the world.
Credits: Many thanks to Sean R. for being my volunteer editor.