Now, first off -- I gotta tell you, I sure didn't get much feedback on the last chapter, so I'm hoping that people didn't hate it. I guess I could have been cruel and held back this chapter, which I have actually been working on since starting the series. Originally, this was going to be the LAST chapter, but I've changed my mind (I think), and have three more chapters planned. So -- it would be very cool if you let me know what you think so far, and your feelings about where we go from here. The address is denis141@hotmail.com and I really would love to hear from you.
One last thing -- this chapter is intentionally a little more challenging to read (I think) and is designed to be read more than once. (You'll see). So, stick with it, and I think (or I hope) that you'll find that it's worth it.
DEDICATION: this chapter is for Joan and Dezi. I appreciate your feedback very much, and I wrote this chapter very much with the two of you in mind.
DISCLAIMER: I don't know any member NSYNC, and what follows is fiction -- i.e., I made it all up based only my wicked imagination. Be forewarned, this story also involves sex between boys (although probably not as much as some people would like), and if that is not your thing, or if you are not old enough to read such things, you should stop reading now.
ALONE/TOGETHER
CHAPTER 9: What Memory Believes.
"Memory believes before knowing remembers. Believes longer than recollects, longer than knowing even wonders."
-- William Faulkner, Light in August
It was Christmas night, nearly nine o'clock, and Lance had just settled back into the small corner booth in the lounge at the Red Fox Room and Steakhouse, out on El Cajon Boulevard, and ordered a double Jack Daniels on the rocks. Just like always, he'd called ahead and asked Shirley to hold the corner booth for him, right next to her piano. That was where he and JC had always sat, usually holding hands under the table, him sipping whiskey, JC drinking red wine, and neither of them saying much, just watching Shirley play, and listening.
JC smiled at the man playing the piano and took a sip from a glass of red wine. It was Christmas night, nearly nine o'clock, and JC was sitting on a stool near the piano. His flight didn't leave for another two hours, and this place -- The Casbah Lounge -- was right near the airport. He and Lance had discovered it once when one of their flights had been delayed, and they had gone looking for some place other than the airport to hang out and wait. The bar was usually filled with a small crowd of regulars, mostly older gay men, but tonight JC had the place almost to himself.
"That's a really great song, Charlie."
"Yeah, they don't write `em like that anymore."
"No they don't," JC said, nodding
"So what brings you out on Christmas?"
"I'm flying solo these days," Lance said, shaking the ice in his glass, and then draining the last bits of whiskey from it.
"Solo, huh?"
"Yup," Lance said. "But I don't feel much like talking about it."
"Jesus, sweetie," Shirley said. "I heard more goddamn break-up stories than you got bones in your body, so I figure I'll survive if I don't hear me another one."
"So you gonna let me buy you a drink then?"
"Sure -- a gin and tonic," Shirley said. "Then I'll take a break and sit with you."
"Here's your drink," JC said, sliding into the booth across from Charlie, a gentle- looking black man wearing a neat blue suit and a red and green striped tie.
"Thanks, JC," Charlie said, wrapping his hands around the snifter. "It's dead in here so I don't suppose anyone will care if I unchain myself from the piano for awhile."
"Nah, you deserve a break anyway."
"So where you headed?" Charlie asked.
"I don't really know," JC said. "I'm flying to London tonight, and after that, who knows. I'm just going to wander for a while, I think. I need to get away. Staying in the house by myself was starting to drive me crazy."
"That's understandable," Charlie said, quietly. "It was like that when my Jimmy died a few years back. It was awful."
"I bet," JC said, staring into his wine glass and nodding.
Charlie reached across the table and tapped on JC's arm. JC looked up, his eyes half-closed and tired-looking, and managing only a wan smile.
"But I'll tell you something," Charlie said, in a stern whisper. "You don't want to lose those memories -- you hear me? You're gonna want them one of these days, so -- you best be careful what you aim to throw away."
"Yeah, I know," Lance said. "It's hard though -- all the memories, remembering how good it was, and how bad it is now."
"And being afraid that it'll never be good again," Shirley said, taking a slow drag off her cigarette and then letting the smoke leak back out of her mouth.
"Exactly," Lance said.
Lance and Shirley sat in silence for several minutes, then Lance laughed and said, "Did I ever tell you about our collection of Christmas ornaments?"
"I'm not sure I remember how we first started collecting them," JC said, laughing at the thought of it. "I think it was Lance who bought the first one. It was a month or so before Christmas -- like eight years ago, I think. What would that be, 1997... right?"
"Yup," Charlie said. "1997 ... same year me and Jimmy celebrated our 45th year driving each other nuts."
"Wow...45 years," JC said, touching Charlie's hands, and then continuing.
"We were in Germany, and we were getting ready to fly home so we could finish the first album and then tour. I remember that this first ornament was a wooden candy cane, painted red and white -- of course -- and it had a green silk string."
"Sounds nice," Charlie said, taking a small sip of brandy.
"Yeah, it was," JC said, closing his eyes for a few seconds, and then looking back at Charlie and smiling. "You know, not two days before, me and Lance kissed for the very first time, and I remember I was still kind of walking on air."
Charlie laughed and nodded his head.
"But that little candy cane, it couldn't have been too expensive. We didn't hardly have any money back then. It was really nice though, and I remember how Lance cradled it in his hands when he showed it to me -- like it was fragile or something, like it might break if he wasn't careful, even though -- you know -- it was just made out of wood and you probably could've dropped it and it wouldn't have broken. When he showed it to me though, I said right away how pretty it was, and I said it would look real nice hanging on a Christmas tree someday, and Lance said, that was what he was thinking too."
"JC bought the second ornament," Lance said, smiling. "We were in Dallas, and I think it was the second stop on the tour. We'd kissed by then, and I guess you could say we were dating -- in secret, of course."
Shirley laughed and took a small sip of gin and tonic.
"God, I remember how we were so scared of being found out," Lance said tilting his head back against the wall and looking up at the ceiling. "We weren't having sex yet, because... well, anyway."
Lance looked back at Shirley and watched for a moment as a wispy curlicue of smoke rose from the cigarette she was holding.
"The ornament was a porcelain angel with wings made out of little white feathers. I remember JC showing it to me, and me saying how beautiful it was -- beautiful just like you, I said, being all corny, but boy did he smile. Then I said how it would look nice hanging next to the candy cane ornament I'd bought in Germany. So that was how we got the idea of buying a Christmas ornament in every new city we visited, kind of like a memento to remember all the place we'd been together."
"The guys were teasing us something fierce by then, and calling us `Bonnie and Clyde' because Lance and I were always off in some corner, whispering -- like we were up to something. It was nothing bad though. Usually, we were just looking through the telephone book and trying to find a good place to buy our next ornament. It was so funny because Lance always insisted on calling first, because he said that he could tell if it was a good place by talking to the salesperson."
"You see -- I didn't want to waste our money on cab fare going to some store that didn't have anything but cheap-ass K-mart ornaments. I mean, back then, we were still with Lou, and he was stealing us blind, so cab-fare was a major investment."
"Lance was right, of course. Because every store we went to ended up having good stuff, and so it would always take us forever to decide -- especially since Lance had a very firm `no-duplicates' rule."
"JC always wanted to buy the ones with angels, or Santa -- which was okay, I suppose, but the whole point was to get different ones -- you know what I mean? So I had to start a list, because at first he never believed me when I said -- `JC, we already own one like that!' It was pretty funny, actually."
"It seemed like every time it came down to a choice between two ornaments, and I always said that we should just buy them both, and Lance always stomped his foot and said, `No way, that's cheating!' And he was right, of course. It would have been cheating. But we always managed to decide somehow -- decide together on which one to buy."
"After we got about a dozen or so, I started to worry that one would be broken or lost -- especially since JC was not the most organized person in the world. So I got the idea to buy a wooden box to keep them all in. Then, every time we got a new ornament, we'd wrap it in tissue-paper and put it in the box with all the others. JC brought a little brass lock for the box, and we took turns wearing it on a chain around our necks."
"It was around the time we got the wooden box that Lance said -- and I remember this exactly -- he said, `JC, wouldn't it be great if we could have a house together some day, and then we could put up a tree together and hang all our ornaments on it.'"
"You should have seen JC's eyes when I said that -- how wide and excited they got, and shiny with tears. I'll never forget it. Just like I'll never forget how I kissed him right then, even though we were on the bus, and Chris was like five feet away from us playing Nintendo. I don't think he saw us, but at the time I didn't care at all."
"It was the first time that Lance kissed me with anyone nearby. It was funny, because I was the brave one in the beginning, sneaking to his bunk at night for a quick goodnight kiss, and squeezing his ass when I thought no one was looking. God, I can remember how he always hissed at me `JC, someone will see,' and then the back of his neck would turn all red. After that kiss though, Lance was Mr. Bold, and there was no stopping him -- not that I wanted him to."
"We made love that night at the hotel. It was my first time, and boy was I ready. I mean we were both ready, because it wasn't like I'd been all along saying, `No, no, let's wait, I'm not ready yet.' It was just that we let it happen on its own."
"You see, I'd been with a few guys before. Mostly just messing around -- you know, for the sake of getting off, not making love. Lance had never been with anyone before, girl or guy. But, you know, I felt like a virgin too. And I was so nervous."
"I think JC was more nervous than me -- which was sweet."
"We pretty much slept together every night after that first time making love. Of course, we didn't actually make love every night -- we could only do that when we stayed in a hotel. But being apart at night didn't feel right anymore."
"Even though the bunks in the bus were really small, we still made it work. JC would lay with his back to me, and I'd spoon him. That was how we always slept. I remember when we were picking out our bed for the new house, JC said, `We may as well get a twin bed because we don't need anymore room than that.'"
"Picking out our furniture was lots of fun. We spent months doing it, and never argued once. It was all that practice buying ornaments together!"
"We'd bought at least a hundred ornaments by the time the house was done and furnished and Christmas had rolled around. It really was a magical time in my life. You know, sitting here I'd have to say that our first Christmas together in the house, that was paradise for me, that was the happiest moment of my life."
"You know, some people say if you go to hell, you are forced to relive the worst moment of your life, over and over again, but if you go to heaven, you get to relieve the best moment of your life -- forever. Well, if I ever get to go to heaven, the moment I'll relive is that first Christmas in the house with Lance."
"I'll never forget it because -- you know -- deciding to build the house pretty much came from our realizing that we needed some place to put up the tree. And it was like, every time we got a new ornament, we were a little closer to our dream."
"That's what we really believed, that every time we bought one of those ornaments, it was like us putting a brick in the foundation of the house where we'd live together one day."
"Lance was so nervous carrying the box of ornaments up from the basement. It was Christmas Eve, and probably almost nine o'clock. The tree was up, and the lights were on it, and Lance was carrying the box like it was full of nitroglycerine. I'd never seen him so nervous before."
"So, of course, I didn't drop it or anything -- although, if you'd seen the look on JC's face you'd have thought I was carrying nitroglycerine, and the new house was about to get blown sky-high."
"Well, then we got into this big argument -- nothing mad or anything -- about how to put the ornaments on the tree. I wanted to just start putting them on -- you know, both of us just hanging them wherever, and having a nice time."
"JC was so cute, because he insisted we have some champagne first, and toast the goddamn tree, but then he wanted to just start putting the ornaments on it -- like just any where. Like with no plan. I freaked."
"It was cute. Lance wasn't mad, or anything. It was just that he hated things to be disorganized. You know, I'd be very rich if I had a hundred dollars for every time I came home to find Lance putting all my CD's back in the right cases and -- not only that -- putting them in alphabetic order too!"
"I probably stomped my foot. I don't really remember. But I remember that JC was wearing these red Adidas running shorts, and a tight white T-shirt, and he kissed me on the nose after I stomped my foot and said, `Have I told you lately that I love you?'"
"So, Lance insisted that we have a plan. The problem was -- what plan? I got the idea that we should put them on in the order that we'd bought them."
"And I thought that was a great idea. Only problem was, we spent the next hour arguing over the order. I'd laid them out in rows -- right in front of the couch -- with each one resting on a folded square of tissue paper."
"Lance kept insisting that we'd bought the crystal icicles right before we got the red wagon ornament, but I was saying we got the icicles in Milwaukee, and we got the red wagon in St. Louis, which was the concert after Milwaukee."
"By then, it was almost midnight, and I said, `JC -- honey -- Christmas Eve is going to be over and this tree isn't ever going to be decorated'."
"I kissed him -- again. Because he was right. Lance was almost always right, which didn't bother me at all. Anyway, we'd about finished off a bottle of champagne, and he kept coming up behind me and putting his hand down the front of my shorts, and biting the back of my neck. He always did that. So, then we decided that we'd just take turns putting the ornaments on the tree, and it didn't matter what the order was."
"That way each year the order would be different."
"But it would still be our order."
"It didn't take long after that to get the tree decorated. And it was so beautiful."
"It was beautiful every year, of course. But that first year -- well, it was like the first time I looked at Lance and saw that he loved me too."
"I remember watching JC putting on every one of those ornaments. And..."
"He was so beautiful."
"And I loved him so much more, even though I'd never spent a moment with him that I thought it was possible to love him any more than I did right then."
"We made love -- Lance and me."
"Yeah -- we made love. More than once."
"All night, really."
"We woke up on the floor next to that tree -- under the quilt my mom gave us."
"And it was the best Christmas present I'd ever got."
Charlie stood up and walked back to the piano and signaled JC to follow him. JC did, picking up his backpack and then leaning it against the stool closest to where Charlie had just sat down. Charlie started to play, and then he said: "Remember the night you and Lance were here and you sang this song to him?'
"Jeez, how could I forget," Lance said.
"It must have been two years ago."
"At least," Lance said. "He'd had a few glasses of wine by then."
"He had such a beautiful voice," Shirley said.
"Still does," Lance said, taking another sip of whiskey. "He must've sang that song to me a couple of dozen times. I can almost hear it now."
"You can sing it too, you know," Shirley said.
"Nah, I couldn't," JC said, smiling sadly and looking down into his wine.
"Go ahead," Charlie said. "He'd want you to, you know."
"I suppose he would. He was always so fucking sentimental, that JC. I swear he kept the ticket stub from every movie we ever saw together."
Shirley laughed, remembering JC, and knowing that it must be true.
"Anyway," Lance said. "You aren't playing it in my key."
"Well, now I got you," Shirley said, moving her hand further down the keyboard, and starting the song over in a lower key.
Lance had tears in his eyes. "It was our song -- did you know that?"
"Yeah, I know that," Shirley said.
"I guess it was obvious," JC said.
"Oh yeah," Charlie said, beginning the song again. "I don't think I ever saw two boys in love like the two of you was -- and I'm seventy-one years old, so I seen my share of people in love."
JC looked at his watch and said, "I really should be on my way."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Lance said.
"Yeah," JC said.
"Well, it wouldn't kill you to sing it one more time."
So he started to sing.
I say I'll move the mountains And I'll move the mountains If he wants them out of the way Crazy he calls me Sure, I'm crazy Crazy in love, I say
I say I'll go through fire And I'll go through fire As he wants it, so it will be Crazy he calls me Sure, I'm crazy Crazy in love, you see
Like the wind that shakes the bough He moves me with a smile The difficult I'll do right now The impossible will take a little while I say I'll care forever And I mean forever If I have to hold up the sky Crazy he calls me Sure, I'm crazy Crazy in love am I
The last note drifted into silence, and the lid on the piano was softly shut, and JC and Lance each turned to leave, as if together, and no longer alone, and then they walked, as if side by side, into the remnants of the dark Christmas night where things were not as they should be, and they wondered if they would be again, or could be again.
[song credit, "Crazy He Calls Me," by Carl Sigman & Bob Russell]