Almost Straight

Chapter 27

Tuesday, Apr 27, 2010

Thoughts about today: I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. Shelly told me today that Alejandro signed a contract with the Philadelphia Baron's to play lacrosse professionally. She almost tried to hide the engagement ring he gave to her. I'm happy she's found someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved, like I have. I wonder if he had to pass a test, too. I guess I still have feelings for her. I must have spent half-an-hour after she told me, wondering what it would've been like for us had she said yes when I proposed.

Honesty time: I think we could have been happy together, but I don't regret that God had different plans for both of us. I never did kiss her the way Elijah and I kiss.

What I learned: Trust in God with all your heart, and don't rely on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.1 (Proverbs somewhere, I think)

"Get ready to eat dust, Phillip. Luv – fifteen – luv," Elijah called across the court just before serving his next ball. It's been over a year since he first began tutoring me, but it was still rare for me to ever have the lead on him in any game. I concentrated as he lofted the ball into the air and brought his racket downward.

"Oooff!"

He always seemed to add a little extra to his serve when he was behind in the score. My game had improved immensely, but I was still no match for him when he was trailing.

"Ace," he shouted as the ball skipped just beyond my reach. "You should know by now not to take the lead, slow poke."

His broad smile and the way he tucked his hair behind his ears before serving again made me smile. He would always do something like that to distract me when he needed to.

"Fifteen all – luv," he announced as he blistered another serve that I managed to return, but wide and out of bounds.

"Thirty – fifteen – luv," he dryly grunted this time before acing another serve to my left.

I could hear Shelly giggling from the next court. She knew what Elijah was doing every time he called out the score and added "luv" to the end of it.

It was last summer, after our "out" tour, that Father Wallace had encouraged Elijah and me to find ways of being more open in public about our feelings toward each other. It's not that we were embarrassed to be "out," it's just that it can be a bit awkward for some people at times when two guys openly show affection to each other. That's why we always look for subtle ways to let the world know we're an item, and playing these little games is one way we've chosen to let those around us know.

...And to think; it had been Shelly who had indirectly been the cause of this whole strange turn of events. I never would have sought Father Wallace's advice if she hadn't forced me to take her little test when I proposed to her. "Just one kiss, Phillip – for comparison's sake," she told me.

We were two kids in love – she, maybe a little more than I was ...but just a little. I remember how I tried to persuade her that love was more a commitment than a feeling. I still believe that with all my heart. What I hadn't fully understood was her telling me just as certainly, that commitment without feeling wasn't enough. I see now that, although I had been committed enough to ask her to marry me, my feelings for her were nowhere near what they are for my mop-headed sunbeam. I honestly thought marrying her was God's answer to five years of faithful prayer on my part. Now I can see that God brought Elijah and I together so we can both experience what it was Shelly instinctively knew a relationship needed.

I still remember how I thought she was kidding when she first told me what her test was. Then how I thought she was being totally unreasonable and priggish when she wouldn't back down on it. For a moment, I even thought I was crazy when Elijah wrapped his arms around me to take me through the mechanics of my swing that day and I actually considered doing it.

I don't know why I chickened out at the last minute. I'd do it in a heartbeat now.

I managed to return the next serve out of his reach, and then after a long volley, drop a lob neatly over the net to tie the score.

"Deuce – luv." Elijah smiled wickedly and licked his lips as he tossed the ball into the air. He totally surprised me by striking it as it rose. It kissed the court just inside the left boundary line, and I was down again.

"My add – luv."

I concentrated on keeping my wrist straight like he had shown me the first time we met on the court. Then I heard Shelly laughing again and got distracted.

"Game – set – match – luv!" Elijah shouted in triumph when the ball sailed to my left. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I had hardly even made a move toward the ball. He tucked the dark curls which had been hanging in his face behind his ears, and made his way toward the net for the traditional handshake. His lips were firm and moist, as he grasped my hand and pulled me forward, meeting me with a tender kiss. I love how his afternoon shadow always scratches the inside of my lips and sends chills down my spine. We both broke into a smile when Shelly and Rebecca began whistling catcalls at us.

"Get a room," Shelly shouted, loudly enough to garner a few looks from the other courts.

"Yeah, pervs, get a room," Rebecca added to the fray.

Elijah and I both turned and stuck out our tongues at them and then headed for the showers.

I sat down on the bench and began replaying the match in my mind. Elijah and I always shower separately after our matches. For one, it gives me time to go over what we had just done in hopes of improving the next time out. But actually, the real reason we do it is because, even though most people don't understand, we are trying our hardest to avoid falling into The Tempter's snare of sex before marriage.

It hasn't been easy. God I love him so much. But so far, with God's help, and the little extra incentive I get from my brother Sammy's weekly phone call, we've been one-hundred percent faithful in our commitment to God in that area. We won't have to wait forever, though. That's because Elijah and I are counting down the days until graduation when our new life begins – together. We're getting married on May twenty-second, in the year of our Lord, 2010.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: It's a pain planning a wedding and trying to study for finals at the same time. Elijah and I both start our jobs as soon as we're back from our honeymoon. God has been so gracious to us, getting us both jobs in Providence, Rhode Island. He must have a sense of humor to land us a few miles from Provincetown, the gay Mecca of New England, where we'll have family. Maybe he can use us to reach out to some other guys who're struggling to reconcile religious beliefs with their sexual identity. Above all, we want them to know what we've learned – that being: God doesn't hate them for being gay.

I can't wait for our wedding night so we can finally be totally free to give ourselves to each other.

Honesty time: I'm glad we've waited. Father Wallace told Elijah and me how excited he gets every time he thinks back to his own wedding night. He said he'll never forget the joy of the first time he and his wife made love to each other.

What I learned: The reason God wants everyone to wait until marriage must be so they only have memories of the one they give their life to serving. Tim reminded us that God's plan for marriage has other benefits too. We don't need to worry about infecting each other with a disease.

We had decided to rent a banquet room at the hotel in Providence where I was living, for the ceremony. We had already rented an apartment, but for obvious reasons, the two of us weren't staying there together. Okay, maybe it's not obvious to some, but we were determined to hold out for two more weeks.

The Jade Room would seat all twenty-seven guests for both the ceremony and the reception meal. We had chosen to invite only immediate family and a few friends. We figured that way we could save the rest of our relatives the discomfort of either having to participate in something they really couldn't understand, or of having to make up an excuse as to why they couldn't attend. I had decided that maybe mom had been right after all about "not casting pearls before swine."

Mom and Ed came up on Wednesday, in order to spend some time with us. Elijah's parents had decided that if they were going to arrive at all, it wouldn't be until after the rites were complete.

"You are my only son," he had told Elijah the day we met him in the restaurant to inform him of our plans to marry. "I will forgive you for this great sin my balibt2, but I can't show G_d that I approve of you doing it. I'm sorry. We will come for the meal, only."

"Dad," he had pleaded. "It's not sin. The Talmud forbids two males from coming together as they would with a female, not two men committing their lives to each other. Surely God would not create two men with a need for companionship with each other, and then force them to spend their lifetime lusting for what they cannot have."

"Then why do you need to marry each other if you aren't going to have sex?" he said loudly enough to be overheard at the next table.

Staring down the three women, who were now glaring at us, Elijah responded by announcing: "Because I love him, dad. I want to spend the rest of my life with him." Then turning and almost whispering to his dad, he added, "...besides, there're other ways for men to pleasure each other sexually."

Mr. Cohen shrugged an embarrassed apology to the eavesdroppers, and then leaned forward and spoke more quietly. "Oh? Perhaps you're smarter than the Almighty One, Elijah. Have you figured out how to can give your mother and me an heir without sleeping with a woman? ...I'm listening, my son."

Elijah leaned across the table, his face turning a deep magenta as he explained, I supposed, in Hebrew what two men might do to pleasure each other.

"What would cause a man to want to take someone's shmekie and put it into his mouth, Elijah? I don't understand."

Elijah looked equally surprised at his dad's reaction. "I don't know, dad. What made you want to do something so disgusting as putting yours inside of mother?"

"Why do the birds sing in the morning, Elijah? Who tells the salmon to swim upstream to the place they came from? ...It's what all The Creator's children do. It's taivah. There is no reason for taivah, my son, it's just something that happens, I suppose."

"Exactly," Elijah told his dad emphatically. "It just happens."

"So what you're telling me is that what someone desires to do with another person isn't logical, but something that's brought down from above, even if he's homosexual?"

He seemed to reflect on what he was realizing, perhaps for the first time – that all of sex is taivah. There is no rhyme of reason to those kinds of urges.

"Still, Elijah, your mother is inconsolable that you won't give me an heir. She was so proud of the gift she gave to me when you were born. Now you, choosing a partner who will never give that gift to you, wipes away the reason for her pride and joy. You have brought a great heaviness into her heart by this, and that is why I won't force her to come to the ceremony."

"I haven't chosen, father. God has chosen this for me."

I was not without disappointments of my own. Gilbert and Alicia returned their wedding invitation without opening it; "Return to sender," scribbled across the front of the envelope.

Elijah held me in his arms as I sulked that day. I had talked with Gil only once since coming out to them and all he said before he hung up the phone was: "Your mother was right to have told me, when she found out that she was pregnant with you, that it would be best if we went our separate ways. I'm sorry Phillip, but I wish we had never met." I had prayed he would reconsider as I addressed his invitation.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I can't believe how nervous I am. In thirty-four hours the two of us will become one in the sight of God. We went to the Pearl for our bachelor's party tonight. We drank too much, but everyone was in such a festive mood. I wish they could all attend the ceremony. I can't believe how everyone reacted when we told them we hadn't slept together yet. At first they thought we were kidding, but after we convinced them we weren't, they started joking about taking us separately into a back room to show us the ropes. We ended up settling for a congratulatory kiss from everyone in the room except one guy who had an obvious blister on his lip.

Jake was dragged over to us by some of his friends, after noticing he had just stood in the shadows while everyone was congratulating us. He told us he was nineteen, and that he had never kissed anyone. He said he didn't want to embarrass himself. We invited him to join us at our table, which he gratefully did. That's when we got to tell him the real reason we've been waiting. He told us he had been raised in a Christian home, and that he was struggling because his friends were putting pressure on him to lose his virginity.

Honesty time: I felt really bad for Jake, knowing how hard it would be for him to acknowledge he was gay, and yet have no one to help him stand up for what he might believed is right. I feel more strongly than ever that helping beautiful young men like him to make it is part of God's purpose for making me the way I am.

What I learned: It felt so good to know that our choice to wait might have given someone else courage to do the same thing. I'm going to be watching out for guys when we go out, and try to befriend them. Maybe my friendship with another young man will help him to make it.

"Alex! I hollered when I saw my best friend from high school, Alex Harper, enter the room. Just like I had last year at his wedding, he now was going to be the one who would stand next to me and hand off the wedding ring after I said my vows.

I ran back to where he was holding the door for his wife with one hand, and an infant carrier in the other. Pulling him into one of my patented bear hugs, I noticed there was a small dark skinned boy with huge black eyes holding onto his pants leg.

"And who's this?" I asked, stooping to look the child in the eyes.

"Phil, this is our son Eric. He's four."

My eyes went wide as I looked up at Beth Ann, wondering if she had had a child to someone else before marrying Alex. But why hadn't I met him when I traveled to Los Angeles last summer for his wedding?

"We've been helping out at an orphanage on weekends, and Eric needed someone, so we're adopting him. He's positive too, Phil, so we have a lot in common. We're racing to see who gets to meet Jesus first, aren't we little buddy."

"Alex, Please!" Beth Ann chastised.

"Sorry, babe." Then turning back to me, said "actually we're both inspiring each other to never give up the fight." Alex scooped Eric into his arms, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and then smiled into his eyes. "You're my inspiration, ése. Daddy loves you to pieces."

What a difference six years has made in Alex' life, I thought. He seems so... well... grown up and mature now. I wonder what he really thinks of me marrying Elijah after being the one who led him to God, and then told him how God would take away his longing for "improper" male affection. Of course, that's when I still believed being gay was improper. Now here we are; him happily married to a woman, with two kids; and me marrying a man. If someone had told me while we were in high school that this was how things were to turn out, I would have told them they were crazy.

Turning back to me and Elijah, who was standing by my side, he poked Eric in the ribs to get him giggling, and then introduced us.

"Eric, this is your uncle Phil, and your aunt Ellie."

I had forgotten all about the story I had concocted before Alex's wedding to keep him from finding out that "Ellie" was actually short for Elijah.

"Alex, meet the most wonderful man on the face of the earth, my fiancé, Elijah Cohen. ...and it's uncle Elijah," I told Eric.

"I thought I was the most wonderful guy you knew," he said as he landed a solid punch on my upper arm.

"Come on, man. I don't want to look like a battered husband on our honeymoon," I said, rubbing my arm.

"That is so cute, Phil," Alex said to me and then winked at Elijah, and continued, "He is such a pansy, dude. You are definitely going to want to use a little muscle on him after the wedding to toughen him up. He's gotten soft with not having me around. Personally, I think he likes being a pansy, and that's why he didn't go with me to USC, a man's school."

"Sarah," Elijah suddenly shouted, and took off to the other end of the room.

Elijah's sister and Mordecai had agreed to stand in the line to represent his family.

"I'm so glad you're here."

Sarah, while sympathetic to her brother, was obviously uncomfortable with our marriage.

"So the wayward son hasn't changed his mind," she said smiling. "You know, that mamma says you are no longer your father's son. Pappa's only forcing her to come to the meal because he says `even dogs should be treated with respect.' I heard him tell her yesterday that they need to stay close to you so when you realize your error and return to Elohim, you will have someone to help you get your life back together."

"You don't have to be here either, if that's how you feel," Elijah angrily told her.

Mordecai butted in. "Elijah, we're here because even if your parents don't understand, we're family. We believe in you. You're our brother, and soon Phillip will be our brother too," he said as he turned and slapped me across the back. "I just haven't figured out how I'll explain to my parents that Sarah has a brother-in-law, but no sister."

"Okay everybody," Father Wallace called as Shelly entered the room hanging on to Alejandro's arm. "Let's get started. We have a lot of details to work out in half an hour. Shall we pray?

"Dear Heavenly Father, we come together in anticipation of, and to rehearse for, one of the most special events of anyone's life: the commitment of Phillip and Elijah's lives to each other in holy matrimony. Bless our time together and direct our thoughts heavenward."

Elijah and I had decided that since mine were the only parents who would be in attendance, we would have a mostly Christian ceremony. We had gotten into the habit of attending Shabbat on Saturdays, and a Christian service on Sunday mornings, and had both become fairly comfortable with the expressions of each other's faith.

"Who's going to give their vows first?" Father Wallace asked us as we stood in front of him.

Elijah and I both stared at each other while Alex coolly pulled a quarter out of his pocket.

"Phil. Call it," he casually said as he sent the coin fluttering into the air.

"Heads"

"Heads it is. Looks like you get to bite the dust first." Then he slugged me in the arm like we always used to do to each other. I was just about to return the gesture when it occurred to me that maybe a major bruise wouldn't be good for his health. I had no way of knowing exactly how compromised his body might be due to the HIV infection, so I just rubbed my arm and threatened him verbally.

I began to wonder if Alex actually was uncomfortable with our marriage when he kept interrupting the rehearsal with ridiculous comments and gestures.

After yet another interruption, I casually made my way over to where my mom was helping Beth Ann care for the children. "Beth Ann," I whispered. "Would it like... I mean if Alex gets a bruise on his arm, does it do anything to him? ...like because of his meds of something?"

"Not that I know of."

That was all the answer I needed to hear. He just stood there and took it like a man when he saw it coming after his next interruption. I felt bad when Eric grabbed hold of his leg and screamed: "don't hit my daddy."

"Yeah," Alex added, feigning shock at my outburst.

"Alex, why do you two insist on beating each other up every time you get together?" Beth Ann asked; exasperation apparent in her voice.

"Because we love each other," we said almost in unison as we threw an arm across each other's shoulder and hollered "you owe me a beer." Knowing it was a tie, we immediately fell into rock, paper, scissors. "Ow-w-w," I protested as his paper smacked my rock with a little too much gusto.

"I'll be up to our room in a little while," Alex told his wife after rehearsal. "If Phil doesn't buy me the beer he owes me, tonight, I'll probably never get it."

"Don't be out too late," she said before planting a kiss on his lips that almost made me envious.

I turned to leave just as Michelle and Alejandro stepped in front of me. Before I could say a word, Shelly's fiancé grabbed the sides of my face and planted a big wet kiss smack dab on my lips.

"Nothing," he muttered as he turned to Michelle, who by now was in stitches with laughter.

I looked at Elijah's astonished face, and then pulled the instigator into a tight embrace. She did that "m-m-m-m" thing as I pushed my tongue briefly into her mouth, and then it was over. The expression on Alejandro's face was just as startled as Elijah's.

"Thanks for the best wedding gift I'll probably get, Michelle. I still love you."

"I owed you that one, Carrots. Thanks for letting me be a part of all this."

Alex and I stayed in the bar far too long, with him silencing Beth Ann's calls twice. He wanted to know all about the journey I had taken since I had convinced him that it was God's will for every gay person to go "straight."

Well past midnight, we finally said goodnight, and headed to our rooms.

I had just fallen into a deep sleep when my phone rang. Alex Harper, the display read.

"Hey, Alex. What's up?"

"Phil," a frantic voice almost shouted into my ear. "It's Beth Ann. We're in the hospital. They think Alex is having a heart attack."

"What?" I asked, not comprehending what Beth Ann was telling me.

"After he got in bed, he told me he didn't feel well. I had to get up to change Alexis' diaper, and when I got back to the bed, he was soaking wet with sweat and moaning. The doctor thinks his heart might be reacting to the HIV medicine. Please pray for him, Phil."

"What do you mean his heart's reacting to the medicine?" I asked, still not really understanding what she was saying.

"It's one of the side effects that can happen when you take all those drugs."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"They said it was a mild attack, but that he probably would have to stop taking the meds for a while. Phil, I'm so scared."

"Which hospital are you at?"

"I think it's called Memorial Hospital... excuse me, m'am could you tell me where I am?" I heard her ask someone.

"Phil it's in Pawtucket."

"I know where it is. I'll be there as soon as I get dressed."

"Please, Phil, just pray. You don't have to come right now. The doctor said he's out of immediate danger."

"I'll see you in half an hour," I told her.

"Thanks, Phil. On my God, I feel so bad for spoiling your wedding day like this."

I called Elijah, who told me that since I had his car, I should pick him up at the apartment.

It was two-thirty in the morning when we walked into the ICU to be with him and Beth Ann.

She ran to me and threw her arms around me.

"He's sleeping. The doctor said it was more of a warning signal than something that would cause him lasting harm."

She turned and embraced Elijah.

"I'm so sorry for spoiling your wedding like this."

"We can get married any day of the year, Beth Ann. You're not spoiling anything. Being there for a friend when he needs you is more important in life than any event that we plan. Let's pray for Alex now," I suggested as I gently guided her to his bedside.

Alex opened his eyes slightly and smiled at us.

"I felt kind of left out tonight, seeing you with Elijah," he told me matter-of-factly. "I just wanted a little attention from you two."

"I always knew you'd be jealous when you found out I really was gay."

"Jealous? Of what? You think I'd rather be married to a carrot-topped butterball than to this?" he asked grasping Beth Ann's hand. A smile lit up both their faces as he said it. They were obviously in love with each other.

My thoughts drifted back to Alex's boy crazy high school days, and my secret longing to let go of what I believed, and join him.

"God's ways are higher than ours, Alex. He has a plan for all of our lives, and I guess jealousy isn't part of it for any of us."

"Faggot," he whispered as I leaned over and kissed the one He had chosen for me.

"Breeder," I laughed at him as Beth Ann leaned down to touch her lips to his.

"...and lovin' it, too," he said tenderly.

I leaned over and whispered into Elijah's ear, and when I saw him smile, I whispered the same thing into Beth Ann's ear. I got the same reaction from her, and turned to leave the ward.

Grinning from ear to ear, I found the charge nurse and asked if there was a chapel at the hospital, and whether or not it might be possible to reserve it for half-an-hour later today.

Elijah walked up behind me and draped his arms around my neck. Instinctively I reached up and pulled him closer as the nurse hung up the phone and told me everything was set: the chapel was reserved for a wedding at eleven o'clock.

I turned to face the love of my life and saw Beth Ann watching from a distance.

"We're on. Do you think you'll be able to get him into his tux?"

"I see why Alex still considers you his best friend, Phil," she said and then hurried back through the doors.

"You're an amazing man, Phillip Ryan Johnson. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have you be part of my life."

"Ahem," came the sound of the charge nurse's voice, breaking up our passionate embrace. "So I take it the chapel is for your wedding?"

I felt myself blushing.

"Never would have guessed it, but I suppose `the times they are a changing,' aren't they? Good luck to the two of you."

"Thanks," I said as I took my beloved's hand and headed for the exit.

After dropping Elijah at the apartment, I stopped by the front desk of the hotel where I was staying.

"Excuse me," I called into the lit office behind the front desk.

"Oh, sorry, I mustn't have heard you come into the hotel," the attendant said through a gaping yawn. "How may I be of service to you?"

"My name's Phillip Johnson. I've got the Jade room reserved for my wedding tomorrow, but my best man ended up in the hospital tonight, so I was wondering if it would be possible for the hotel to cater the reception to the hospital cafeteria, instead of having it here."

"That is like so weird," Michael, the front desk clerk said in amazement. "The exact same thing happened two months ago while I was on duty." Then he raised his eyebrows, and got that "knowing" look on his face. "Must have been one wild bachelor's party," he said in a way that led me to believe he was fishing for the sordid details.

"If you must know, he had a heart attack from taking his HIV meds," I told him rather brusquely.

"That can cause you to have a heart attack?" he asked, suddenly looking pale. I didn't ask, but because of how he reacted, I wondered to myself if he, or someone he knew, was also taking the daily cocktail of drugs.

"Apparently so. His wife is worried sick about it too. They have a four year old son, and a nine month old daughter," I told him hoping to throw him off the trial, as my gaydar was beginning to ping off the scale.

"I'll bet she is. Well anyway, the last time this happened, the hospitality manager just added a surcharge to the meal and catered it for the guy, but I won't be able to give you a definite answer until after he arrives. He's usually here before seven, so someone will contact you in your room. ...which is?"

"four-seventeen"

"Thank you, ...ah, Mr...."

"Johnson." I looked at my watch. Six more hours, I thought to myself.

Next chapter is the conclusion of Almost Straight. Please remember to make a donation to keep the Archive running.

1 Proverbs 3:5-6 2 Balibt: beloved, favorite. ---------------