Chapter 23
Tuesday, March17, 2009
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: I broke Elijah's rule this morning. When Sarah surprised us and saw what we were doing, she acted like Elijah was committing murder or something. She didn't say anything right away, she just stormed off to his bedroom, and then a minute later came storming back with a black skull cap thingie in her hand and threw it at him. She sounded pretty ticked as they argued about the matter at hand in what he later told me was Hebrew. He looked worried as he told me his sister accused him of not being frum (he said that meant observant), by doing what he did, especially with a "gentile dog." He told me what really scared him was that she threatened to tell his parents about it. If she did that, he was sure they would disown him and not pay for his final year of college.
I felt like a total idiot after I asked him if the hat was their family's version of a dunce cap and he told me it was a yarmulke. As soon as he called it that, I recognized it as part of his faith. He told me he actually should have been wearing it all the time, but had decided against it while he was in college. He must really be scared of his parents finding out about him, because he didn't take it off again even though I could tell he was kind of embarrassed about it.
I felt kind of proud that he decided to wear it on the plane. I think he was a little nervous about being too religious around me – like if I knew how religious he was, I wouldn't be interested in him. Actually, I think it makes him look even hotter better.
Honesty time: I guess I should try to be more vocal about my faith, so he knows that God's a big part of my life too.
School starts tomorrow. It's going to be hard getting into it again.
What I learned: Living our faith out in the open where others can see it shows strength, not weakness. I'm going to try to be more open with others about what I believe and why I believe it.
Note: I've got to remember to call Alex about his wedding. Elijah and I agree it wouldn't be right for him to go with me since Alex doesn't know about us. And yes, I'm starting to admit to myself that there is something to know.
Sunday afternoon, I met with Father Tim again. Elijah had been busy working on a project all week, and other than meeting for coffee a few times, we hadn't spent much time together. Away from the super-heated atmosphere of being together twenty-four-seven while on break, I was once more struggling with doubt. As important a friend as Elijah had become, living out my faith in God was more important to me than any relationship here on earth. After all, as I had read Thursday in my quiet time, that people of faith understand they are but "strangers and exiles on the earth... seeking a homeland, a better country – a heavenly one.1" I would rather live a single life here on earth if I wasn't totally convinced that being gay was okay with the man upstairs, than live apart from my faith.
"What about Romans six," I asked Tim, as soon as we got started. "Wouldn't having a sexual relationship with someone you're not married to be sin? Wouldn't that be like what Paul's saying here," I said, pointing to the passage in my bible. "...that doing that would be sinning for the sake of receiving grace?"
"Absolutely, Phil. But are you forgetting that God sees the heart? I doubt that for men and women in same sex marriages the primary purpose for expressing love to their partner is proving that they'll do what they want just to experience God's grace in abundance.
I didn't respond.
"You've got to get to the place where your fear of sinning stops outweighing your acceptance of God's grace for you as his child."
I continued looking at him with a rather perplexed expression on my face, not sure of what he was trying to tell me.
"What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of yourself marrying a man?"
"I guess my first thought is that I'd be doing it so I could justify my sinning with him. That's not what you've been trying to get through to me, though. You're trying to tell me that if I was married to him, then having physical relations with him wouldn't be wrong in God's eyes."
"That's exactly what I've been trying to get through to you. It's the conditioning your mind has had which causes you to see a same-sex union as being sinful. Having a sexual relationship with your mate, no matter who it is, is pleasing to God as long as it's done within his guidelines. That's grace, Phillip. It's the grace he wants us to experience.
"Paul talks about his body doing the very things he wishes it wouldn't. Some theologians believe he was referring to a time in his life before he eventually mastered sin. The unintentional inference though is that through works he became perfect, and that we should try to do the same by looking to the bible as if it were some kind of rulebook. I believe Paul would roll over in his grave if he knew men worshipped him like that. Aside from Jesus, no man is perfect. Paul had inborn desires for sinful things the same as any other person born of a man's seed. I'm not saying that I think your desire for same sex love is directly from God. Rather, I believe it's part of the fallout from when Adam and Eve disobeyed in the garden. You didn't get to choose it, Phil. But what you can choose to do about it is something that's found in Proverbs three, verses five and six.
Tim flipped through his bible and handed it to me.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
"I believe he's showing you a path to take in your life, my brother. Are you brave enough to walk it with him?"
It wasn't that Fr. Wallace's words were so profound, but just the same, I was totally speechless. I just knew that his words weren't those of a mere man, but of one who was inspired by the Holy Spirit. I sat and thought about what Moses must have felt as God spoke to him through the flames of the bush that wasn't burned up. Thinking of God's directive to Moses to remove his sandals because he was standing on holy ground when he was confronted with such a sight, I casually slipped my feet from my untied sneakers. Father Tim sat and watched in awe, sensing too, the profound revelation of God I was experiencing.
There was no doubt remaining in me when I left his office that Elijah and I were meant to be together. The only question I had left was how it would play out in real life. Before I talked to him and asked if he would, or even if he could, I called my mom to tell her I would be bringing someone special home with me for a visit when school left out for the year.
"Aaron, why are you answering mom's phone?"
"Mom told me to get it for her, and I saw it was you, so I answered it. Sam's going out for the baseball team," he gushed. "He's trying out for first base."
"That's great. Can you give the phone to mom?"
"Why are you so grouchy?"
"Sorry, Arn, I just have something important I want to tell mom, and I guess I wasn't expecting you to answer her phone. Forgive me?"
"Yeah, that's okay, Phil."
"Arn, who is it?" I heard mom ask as she neared him.
"It's Phil. He's got something important to tell you."
"Aa-a-r-o-o-n," I whispered, feeling a bit of exasperation in my voice.
"Sam's got a girlfriend," he belted into the phone as mom pulled it out of his hand.
"Phillip! So nice to hear from you."
"Hi mom, Arn is such a pain sometimes."
"Oh, Phil, you were every bit the pain that he is when you were his age. So what's this important news? Did you talk to your pastor? Did Michelle finally say yes?"
Oh boy, I thought to myself, this is not going to be easy. "...so," I began, stalling for a little more time. After having filled my mind with thoughts of what I was going to say to her, I was suddenly drawing a blank. "...so, Arn said Sammy's trying out for summer league. Remember when I played on the Little League team?"
"You were so cute in your Black and Gold Pirates uniform. I think I still have a picture of you in that uniform. Both your front teeth were missing."
We fell silent for a brief, uncomfortable minute.
"Sam's got a girlfriend?" I asked.
"Oh, Arn's just imagining things. Just because Sam traded school pictures with Rachael May. You remember the Ray's from church don't you?"
"Yeah, but isn't she kind of young?" I asked, remembering the blond haired eight year old who was in the Sunday school class I helped to teach when I was in high school.
"She's the same age as Sammy, Phillip. They're both teenagers now."
After another silence, mom asked again what the big news was.
"You remember that test Shelly gave me when I asked her to marry me last year?"
"The kiss?"
"Yeah"
I could sense mom wasn't real eager to hear my next words, even before I said them.
"His name's Elijah Cohen, mom. I've been talking with a pastor for the past several months about my feelings toward him, and well..."
I heard my mom catch her breath, as she anticipated my next sentence.
"I'd like you and Ed to meet him."
"Phillip, please don't... You're just reacting. Haven't you ever heard of the phenomenon known as rebounding?"
"You mean when you jump into someone else's arms because of a failed relationship, and end up getting involved in a wrong relationship?"
"You were hurt by Shelly, Phillip. Maybe more than you realize. You've got to give yourself time to heal before you start looking to develop a relationship with someone else."
"Mom, please. I wasn't born yesterday. Shelly was my rebound. I only asked her to marry me because I was afraid of my feelings for Elijah. I wanted to believe that if I married her, I could forget him. I thank God she could see that mom. He used her to help me to see that it wasn't her I was in love with in the first place. Mom, I was using Shelly. I thought if I married a woman, God would automatically have to take away my desire for Elijah. I'm so glad now that she said no."
"I... I don't know what to say. You know you're always welcome in our home, Phillip. You and any friend you chose to bring with you. I just ask that the two of you... Phil, please be discreet when you're here. ...for Sammy and Aaron's sake, if not for ours."
"Mom, ...this is hard to talk about, but I just want you to know that we are both determined to keep ourselves from sinning with each other. We don't even change near each other when we're in the locker room at the same time."
I heard a gentle sob, and then my mother's voice. "Phillip? Can I call you back later? I'm sorry hun, but I seem to be having a difficult time with my emotions..." Her voice trailed off as I told her I was sorry, and then gently closed my phone.
Determined to press forward, I pried my phone open again, and called Shelly.
"Phillip"
"Shelly, I just wanted to call and tell you it's officially over between you and me."
"You called and interrupted my date with Ali, to tell me that? Where have you been the last two months?"
Realizing how stupid I must have sounded to her, I began to explain.
"I'm sorry Shelly, it's just that this afternoon, when I was with Pastor Wallace, he said some things – I mean I felt God telling some things to me through him, and I think I finally get it. I'm gay, Shelly."
"Hel-lo-o? Tell me something I don't already know, Brain Boy."
"No," I answered, not skipping a beat. "I mean I think I finally understand that God doesn't mind that I'm gay. ...that He doesn't want me to try to change the way I am just so he'll like me better. He made me, and he likes me just the way I am."
"I'm happy for you, Freckles, now can I go back to my date?"
I don't know why certain thoughts cross your mind at a given time, but Shelly didn't seem herself and I wondered if my hunch might be accurate.
"Shelly, are you okay? I mean you seem kind of nervous."
"I'm fine... Really, Phil, it's okay."
"You're not sleeping with him are you, Shelly?"
The sudden silence on the other end of the phone almost made my heart stop. I heard the background noise grow quieter, like she moved to a more private place.
"Why did you ask me that, Phil?"
"I don't know. I just felt like God wanted me to, I guess."
Shelly paused, and then she told me she wasn't, but that she had asked her roommates to not get home too early that night.
"Phil, I can't believe I was thinking about it, and you just call me out of the clear blue and ask me that. Alejandro told me he's willing to wait for me, but I guess after losing you, I didn't want to take the chance of losing him too."
"Remember what you told me? ...that you wanted someone you had to beat off with a stick once in a while?"
"Guess I need to get out the stick, huh? Thanks for asking me, Phil. I still love you. Sometimes I really wish things would have worked out differently between us. You were always so kind and thoughtful, like you could anticipate what I would do in a certain situation and be a step ahead of me. Alejandro... Well let's just say he's Mr. Macho Man, and leave it at that.
"...and Phillip? Thanks for telling me. I think now I can stop feeling guilty for saying no."
As soon as I hung up from calling Shelly, I pushed "2" send. Elijah had replaced first mom, and then Shelly, as the first number on my speed dial.
"Hey there Cutie." I guess Cutie was his pet name of the day for me. Over the past few weeks, ever since our trip to Daytona Beach, he had taken to answering his phone by calling me a different name every time I called him – which was frequent. My favorite so far was "Rising Sun of the Morning," given to me after his sitting through a lecture on the history of the Iroquois nation of New York, and in reference to my orange hair.
I was not nearly as creative as he was, but I always tried to reciprocate.
"Hey smiley," I answered him. "Guess what?"
"You got your internship for the summer?"
"No. I haven't heard back from them yet. Have you been praying that I get it? Your God must be deaf if you have been."
"You can't go through life relying on someone else's prayers, Flame Boy, you have to pray too. ...and don't forget, your beliefs are slightly in error, so even though we're praying to the same God, our prayers don't carry equal weight. You have to pray at least twice as hard as I do."
"You're the one without the Holy Spirit, buddy boy. It's a good thing God is everywhere, or he probably wouldn't even be able to hear your whining."
"You are so funny when you talk about your faith. It's like you Christians believe that you're God's chosen ones."
"I am adopted into his family you know. Do you think I should change my name to Cohen?"
"What?"
"I'm thinking that with belief in the atonement by God's son, and a name like Cohen, I really would be God's favorite."
"But why would you pick the name Cohen?" Elijah persisted.
"Elijah... I want you to meet my parents."
"You what? Phillip, does this mean what I hope it means? Do they know?"
"Mom's having a hard time with it, but I think she's known ever since I told her about Shelly's test. In fact she guessed what the test was before I even told her. She said she would have done the exact same thing had she suspected something like that."
"Did you, like, talk to her to see if it'd be okay for you to show up with... Oh my God... Are you like saying you're okay with us being boyfriends?"
"I called her a few minutes ago to ask her. She was shocked. ...actually asked me if Michelle had changed her mind and said `yes.' She asked if she could call me back later; after she got her head together. She seemed pretty disappointed, but she did tell me that we would always be welcome in their home. I'm sure she's convinced I've renounced my faith and become a pervert. I wish I could take Pastor Tim along with us so he could explain to her and my step-dad all the things he told me."
"He must have had some pretty convincing arguments. I can't believe how much you've changed since the time Michelle made you kiss me. I see that as the hand of G_d. I don't understand much about this new covenant thing that you goyim claim to have received, but it doesn't seem to make him resist you like with other people."
"Goyim" So I'm just a goyim."
"No, you're just goy, all of you together are goyim."
"So what exactly is goyim?"
"The heathen nations to be exact, but mostly we use that word to mean gentiles, which are all non-Jews."
1 Hebrews 11:13-16 ---------------