Monday, August 25, 2008
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: I'm kind of nervous make that super nervous about heading back to school tomorrow. What's up with that?
Honesty time: Shelly's up with that, and I know it. I checked her Facebook status again! and thank God it still says "single." Thinking back, I can't believe we never admitted that what we've been doing for two years amounts to dating -- even if we have never kissed each other. Mom must think something's up because she always raises her eyebrows when I mention anything about her. Oh God, how am I gonna get the nerve to do it? I've got to, though. Otherwise, how's she gonna know I think she's the one?
What I learned: If I don't make a move soon, her Facebook status is gonna change to "in a relationship," and it won't be with me. Wimps don't win, Pansy Boy. Be a man, and just do it.
I met Shelly, Michelle Dade, during freshman orientation -- the very first official class of my college career. I think when she noticed me checking her out before class that day she totally got the wrong impression. I swear I'd been looking because I thought I knew her from somewhere. Taking a seat two chairs to her left I looked again, wondering if I should ask. Then, two other girls asked her to let them sit at the end of the row and she was right next to me. The familiarity of her face bothered me, so that's why she caught me staring at her through the corners of my eyes.
It was about fifteen minutes into the orientation lecture when the incessant pencil tapping on her notebook got to me. I was just going to politely ask her to stop, but froze when I saw she was then staring at me. She had this foxy smile on her face, so I wondered if she was doing it just to get me to notice her. If that's what she was doing, then she'd accomplished her little mission. I could feel my face getting red when the thought struck me that she might actually be flirting. That was totally uncharted territory for me so I quickly looked away.
I could not believe it when, almost immediately, the tapping began again. I was considering grabbing her pencil and holding it until after class like my mom would have done when I was like six or something. I didn't have to actually do it though, because a few seconds into my muse, I heard her gasp and felt something bounce off of my cheek.
"Sorry," she urgently whispered, her face cringing in embarrassment. I picked the pencil out of my lap, fighting the urge to snap it in half and shove it into my shirt pocket. I don't know much about how the female brain works, but amazingly, when she saw she had my attention it was like she forgot we were in class or something. "I'm Michelle," she whispered, and then I don't know, I guess she expected me to stop listening to the prof, which I had already done, and have a conversation with her like there was no one else in the room. I forced a scowl onto my face. I was not amused. I then calmly handed the pencil to her. She never skipped a beat; "My friends call me Shelly," she added.
Wagging my head in disbelief, I turned my focus back to the prof speaking from the dais. Unbelievably, that did nothing to thwart her -- and at that point I was sure it was definitely flirting.
"I think red hair is so-o-o cute." ...and she said it loud enough for the guy sitting in front of us to hear her. I know, because I saw him shake his head a few times like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
I glanced in her direction again, trying to make sure she could see I was totally ticked off.
"What's your name," she whispered with a nervous grin.
My brain said "ignore her," but I mumbled "Phillip Johnson," hoping it might shut her up. "Now will you let me listen to what the guy's saying?" I added.
It worked. She didn't say another word. ...At least not for all of a minute and fifteen seconds that is. That's when she learned toward my ear and whispered, "Okay."
My concentration gone, I said a little too loudly, "Okay, what?"
That got the attention of the guy in front of me again, who then turned around to see the sideshow. ...and that got the attention of the prof.
"Is there something I should be made aware of," he calmly asked into the microphone, staring directly at us.
I continued to glare at Miss Congeniality out of the corners of my eyes as I turned toward the lecturer.
"Okay, I'll stop bugging you," she said like a ventriloquist without moving her lips. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head from side to side.
"You look like a Phillip," she announced, blocking my exit to the aisle after the class ended. "I like it."
Hoping she'd take the hint, I let my breath out forcefully as I turned toward her. She was smiling impishly; a picture of innocence. How could I be mad? I mean class was over. ...and she was just trying to be friendly.
"They're showing a film at the student center tonight. I don't really know anyone on campus, so if you wanted to ask me to go there with you, I'd probably say yes."
"Are you for real?" I know -- lame, lame, lame -- but it was all I could think to say. "I mean..." I cut my words off. What did I mean? Finally I remembered what seemed to have gotten me into this mess. "Did we meet before or something? ...you kind of look familiar."
"I don't think so. My friends say I look like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Tootsie. Maybe that's where you thought you saw me."
She tweaked the tip of my nose softly as I saw the resemblance and nodded my head.
"So... Are you gonna ask?"
"Ask what?"
"Ask me to go to the Student Center with you tonight."
"Do I have a choice?" She let my words just hang there until I finally came up with the answer on my own. "What time does it start?"
I know I mustn't have sounded overly enthusiastic, but actually, that's because even though I had been praying for the opportunity since my junior year of high school, I had never been on a date with a girl in my life. Let's just say I was feeling a bit nervous.
"You have a girlfriend?" Michelle asked that night looking at the plain silver band I wore on my right ring finger.
I was proud of why I wore the ring, but none-the-less I felt my face heating up.
"Oh that. I... well, no. We had this speaker at our church." I paused, looking in her face for a negative reaction to the word church. "It's a sort of reminder for me."
"You go to church?"
Subconsciously preparing myself for ridicule, her enthusiastic reply to my weak "Yeah" kind of surprised me.
"Is that like a promise ring then? I've heard about churches that have this program with their youth group to get them to promise to wait `til marriage to have sex."
I was beaming as I twisted the ring on my finger and shared my rather conservative Christian views on relationships with her.
"Oh my god," she said in amazement. "I can't believe that out of twenty-five thousand students, I sat beside you on the first day of classes. I'm waiting too.
"Sorry for the way I acted at the orientation class. I'm not usually like that. It's just that I saw you looking and... Are you always so shy?"
That evening, we became friends. By the time a month had gone by, we were best friends. We also decided to concentrate on our studies rather than let ourselves get sucked into a romantic relationship.
The three chirps, and familiar buzz against my right thigh, caught my attention as I set foot in my dorm room. I had just arrived for the start of my junior year at Penn State's main campus. Dropping my duffle bag just inside the door, I shoved my hand deep into my pocket.
"Hey, man. Andrew Wilson," a voice called across the room to me as I pulled my cell phone out to read the text message.
"Oh hey, Phil Johnson," I absentmindedly replied without looking up.
"U BACK AT SCHOOL YET?" A smile lit up my face when I saw it was from Shelly. Quickly keying MEET ME @ ROMANOS @ 6, I wondered to myself if fate... or maybe even the hand of God, had brought us together to be more than friends.
"This your room, or did you just stop by to use the phone?" Andrew joked from his perch on the window sill across the room, breaking my thought train.
"Sorry. Shelly. ...my, ah... my girlfriend," I offered, looking up for the first time, and holding the phone so he could see who had sent the text.
I was so not expecting the sight that greeted me when I looked at him. He looked like he had just returned from jogging or something, sweat glistening off his body and causing his miniscule jogging shorts to cling to him like Saran Wrap. I tried to not stare at that part of him, but know I did a double take even though I was pretty sure he was watching. I swear it's like an involuntary reflex with me.
Ever since dedicating my life to God four years ago, I've worked at forcing myself to check out girls instead of guys. I have no idea why I even have to work on that, because it seems so natural for everyone else. That little personality quirk is definitely near the top of my prayer list, so I'm sure God'll eventually fix that part of my brain. I try not worry about it too much, but still, it's more than a little embarrassing when a guy notices you checking out the front of his pants.
"You a runner?" I asked when I realized what I was doing, trying to ignore what had just taken place.
"Yeah, I try to run a couple of miles every day. I took the bed by the wall. That okay with you?"
"No problem," I said as I picked up my duffle bag and dropped it onto the remaining bed.
"You a junior too?" I asked, remembering to keep my eyes focused on his face.
"Fifth year senior. I had to retake a few classes along the way. What's your major?"
"Geophysics"
"So you're a brainiac?"
"Hardly," I responded. "Just trying to study something I'm interested in."
"You party much?" he asked.
"Nah, not really. Do you?" I asked, hoping he'd say no.
"My undeclared major," he said, breaking into a wide grin. "You might say it's a field I'm interested in. ...that, and female anatomy."
Great, I thought. More sleepless nights in the student lounge while my roommate entertains a guest for the night.
I checked the time, put my things away, and headed off to shower before meeting Shelly.
A wave of anxiety like the one I felt last night crashed over me as I stood under the cool water. I guess it was because I had spent my summer dreaming of romance with Michelle, and now that I was going to meet her... Well, that's why I was anxious, because for the past two years, we had agreed to just be friends. Seems kind of ridiculous, but ever since I began going to church regularly, it had been drummed into me by the Youth Pastor that exclusively dating one person isn't something you should do for entertainment. That's why Shelly and I never referred to our dates as "dates." Pastor Ben had told us we should find all the entertainment we desired in group settings -- that exclusive relationships should wait until we were ready to get married. I think it was Colin Hart who asked him how we would know that. "You'll just know," was all we could get out of him. I think that's what was all of a sudden bothering me. I wanted to date Shelly, but how in the world is a guy supposed to "just know" if someone is the right one?
It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I read a few of my mom's romance novels this past summer. That's not really the problem in and of itself. The real problem is that reading them made me wonder if Shelly and I were doing something wrong because I'd never really felt... I guess I should be proud of myself for being able to control those urges when I'm with her. I sure hope the Proverb about pride coming before a fall doesn't hold out in my case. I certainly don't want to mess up and jump into bed with anyone before I'm married. It's not that I never think about those things either. ...it's just that I never really seem to think about them when I'm with her.
"Phil, how was your summer?" Shelly's voice snapped my attention away from the guy behind the counter I was kind of checking out.
"Good," I told her fearing my face must be red as a beet.
"That's it? Just `good'?"
"It was alright. I stocked shelves at dad's store for some cash. You do anything exciting?"
"Oh my gosh. As soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me to spend a week at the beach with her. It was so hot we barely left the hotel room. Then we were off with her parents to their cabin. It was such a cool place in the woods..." and on and on she went for the next five minutes. Girlfriend? Too hot to leave the hotel? Those words caused me to miss hearing at least half of what she said after that. I realized I was staring at the guy behind the counter again, but quickly recovered.
"So..." I interrupted her, "Hawaiian?" That was Shelly's favorite pizza.
"Is that your stomach?" she asked when a loud grumble of protest at not being fed for over four hours made itself known above the din.
"Sorry. You hungry?"
"You buying?"
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. My face instantly lit up into a smile. She had never done that before. Maybe she had the same thing in mind that I had.
"They showing anything over at the student center this week?"
"Friday. Some old rerun."
"You want to go?"
"You asking me on a date?"
There it was, plain as day. She seemed ready for us to begin officially dating. I swallowed hard, wondering if maybe she struggled with the same issue I did, and like me, found it difficult.
"You like me like that?"
Shelly looked at me with those big dark eyes of hers. "I thought about you a lot this summer, Carrot's. Ann Jeanette told me I'd be an idiot if I let you get away."
"Who's Ann Jeanette?"
"My girlfriend"
I guess maybe because I had just been checking out the guy taking pizza orders, when she mentioned the word girlfriend, Casey Alvarez came to mind. He had been my for real boyfriend when I was in the ninth grade.
"You have a girlfriend?" I mumbled, almost afraid to ask.
Shelly looked at me like I had suddenly grown a third eye.
"Like du-uh. Don't you have any boyfriends?"
"No," I blurted sharply. Even though I still thought about it from time to time, I hadn't even been a Christian when Casey and I were together. There was just no way I was going to tell her about him.
Shelly continued to look at me like she was trying to figure out where in the world I was coming from. I, in the meantime, finally figured out she meant girlfriend as in friend, and not girlfriend as in girl-friend.
At the same time my brain had figured out the meaning of Shelly's words, she must have figured out the meaning of my reaction, because she got this strange crease across her brow.
"Alex Harper," I told her. "He's at USC, though, so we don't see each other too much."
"Oh my god. You thought I..."
"Thought you what?"
"You thought we were girlfriends?"
"That's what you said."
"Oh my god. What would make you think that? Is Alex Harper your boy-friend," she asked emphasizing the word boy.
"What? He's gay, but he's definitely not my boyfriend like you're thinking. It's just that you said she was your girlfriend. What was I supposed to think?"
"Well, we're not those kind of girlfriends either. Oh my god. You are so cute, Phillip Johnson. Oh my... Wait `til I tell Lisa. She's my other girlfriend," she said, and then she repeated "oh my god" in case I hadn't heard her before.
"Isn't that kind of like swearing or something? I mean, we shouldn't be taking the Lord's name in vain."
"Oh... my... I just can't believe you would have thought that about me." Then she put her arms around my neck and leaned against me as she chuckled. I wasn't sure exactly what to do with my hands at the moment so I just kind of patted her on the back as she drew me into a hug.
"You're cute, Red." Then she planted another kiss on my cheek.
"Numma sisteen" the tall thin guy behind the counter called out. I turned around, and noticed his gaze sweep downward and then back to look into my eyes. I quickly looked to Shelly when he wriggled his eyebrow at me.
"Maybe he's looking for a boyfriend," she said, nudging me slightly in his direction.
I shouldn't have panicked, but I did. "What are you talking about, Shelly. I'm not like that."
"Like what?" she asked, "You said you were buying the pizza."
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: It feels good to be back at school -- especially since Shelly seems to have missed me as much as I missed her this summer. I think I'll get along okay with Andrew as long he doesn't bring someone back for the night too often.
Honesty time: I felt like such an idiot when Shelly told me she had a girlfriend and I thought the wrong thing. Mom's always talking about going out with her girlfriends. What was I thinking?
What I learned: I think her telling me about her friend's comment that she would be an idiot if she let me get away was her way of letting me know she wants us to get a little more serious. I can do this.
I'm not sure, but I kind of think she wanted me to kiss her goodnight.
** You've got to stop letting yourself check out guys, idiot, or she's for sure gonna think you're gay.