All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 9
The drive up was pretty crappy. I was tired and I was upset. A couple of times I felt the urge to drive the car under the wheels of an 18-wheeler. Just to spite him. But I was just so pissed at Justin that I decided I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He wasn't worth it. When you get down to it, I hardly knew him. Didn't know him for the sex obsessed, lying, cheating, straight fuck he was!
God I hate men! It's times like this that make me wish I liked women.
Men! Always thinking with their fucking dicks.
I know one guys dick I'd like to do a little Bobbit to. I could almost imagine Justin without a dick or balls. The rest of him would still be beautiful. Isn't that what a perfect boy band pop-star would be? A eunuch? That way they could never do any nasty sexual things and they'd always have perfect high voices.
Shit! Maybe I'm on to something here.
I turned on the radio. Justin's voice burst out of the speakers. Fuck! I'd been listening to his CD on the trip down. Then I remembered that song of his I liked. "Cry Me A River."
I jumped to that track and listened to it for a minute.
You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you No
So you took a chance
Made other plans
But I bet you didn't think they would come crashing down No
I turned it over in my mind. All the ways I loved you. No! He didn't. The fuck!
But shit! Listening to someone you thought you were in love with singing about how they were the victim of cheating just doesn't quite work. At least not for me.
Maybe this was revenge cheating? Maybe after being the victim he wanted to be the victor? Find someone, string them along, and then cheat on them. What a great way to build back your ego.
The fucker.
I pulled the CD out of the deck, looked at it for a second, and tossed it carelessly into the back seat. I turned the radio off and drove in silence for a while.
Angry silence.
I tried the radio again because I thought it might take my mind off things, and I didn't feel like listening to any of the CDs I had with me.
Sometimes art imitates life, and sometimes life imitates art. In the old movie 'Better Off Dead' there was this scene where the hero has been dumped and he's driving along and every song he hears on the radio is about broken hearts and getting dumped. The scene ends with him tossing the radio out of the car.
That scene was true! Shit! There are a lot of songs about heartbreak!
The little fucker. Damn fucking bastard.
I ended up listening to classical music for a couple of hours. Some of it was dark and angry. Just like my mood.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I tried yelling it. Screaming it as I drove down the highway. See if I could get it out.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I started thumping the steering wheel with my right hand.
Fuck! Thump. Fuck! Thump. Fuck! Thump.
I started laughing. I felt silly. I was driving this little car down the highway screaming obscenities. What would someone think if they saw me?
They'd think I'd just been dumped by some stupid fuck.
My cousin Dave's apartment building is in Virginia, a few miles out of the city. It wasn't hard for me to find, and the building has underground parking. Thankfully his neighbors had a space they weren't using so I could park the car in the garage. That was a relief to me, as leaving it on the streets would have made me very nervous. It was so bright and shiny.
Despite everything, I'd enjoyed the driving, and I idly wondered what it would be like to own a car again. But then I'd need to garage it and that would cost a small fortune.
Dave came out to show me where the parking space was, and then helped me carry my bags up to his place. He noticeably didn't ask me about why I'd arrived so early. I dropped my bags and we hung out for a little while talking. We talked about the drive up, the Mini, and cars in general; a subject of extreme interest to Dave: he's a BMW owner.
Dave suggested we go eat at a local restaurant, and since it wasn't far, and it was a nice evening, we decided to walk. It was nice to stretch my legs after spending the last two days in the car. And the restaurant was great; a really good Italian place. We sat and whiled away the time catching up on family news and telling each other about our careers and what we had been up to.
I didn't mention Justin at all. Not even the trip to LA and the script. Or the chance that I was going out to LA again to meet with some more studios. Maybe I'd find another lover while I was out there. They were obviously all easy sluts out there.
We got back to the house about 9 and watched some TV. I was tired from all the driving. At one point I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I came back Dave had pulled out the bed from the couch and there were blankets and sheets piled up. I had to make it up myself. Dave said he had to get up for work in the morning and that it was time for him to hit the sack. He said goodnight and I thanked him again for letting me stay.
I slept the sleep of the innocent. After all, it wasn't me that had cheated on my boyfriend of three weeks with some bimbo. With my boyfriend in the same fucking house! The little shit!
The fucker!
I woke up a little before 8am when the phone range. I heard Dave on the phone in the bedroom, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.
I was in no hurry to get up. I actually thought I'd wait until Dave had left so that I didn't get in his way. But I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and rooted about in my bag, thinking maybe I'd read something.
After a few minutes I gave up on that too. I couldn't find anything I was interested in reading, and Dave didn't seem to have anything either. At least not in the living room. I did find my phone and figured I should charge it up as I planned to take it with me today.
I sat down on the end of the bed and turned on my phone and plugged it in to recharge the batteries. The message icon flashed and I idly pushed the button and waited for it to connect.
"You have 7 new message," came the voice. I pushed the button.
"Received yesterday at 9:24am."
"Hey Ethan," said Justin's voice, "Sorry about last night...I guess I was really tired and fell asleep... I'm a jerk," and he laughed lightly. "Uh sorry about that...so I was just wondering where you are. We're going to go out to the Mall and I wanted to know if you wanted to come?"
So that was the way he was going to play it. Pretend nothing had happened. Is that what he planned to do?
Or had it been an accident and he hadn't meant it to happen? And if that was the case, did he now regret it, or did he want to dump me? I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Either way it was bad news. I was facing being dumped, or a cheating boyfriend who wanted me to take him back.
Or worse. He wanted to keep fucking her, and fucking with me as well.
Little shit.
I pushed the button to delete the message.
"Received yesterday at 12:05pm."
"Ethan," said Justin, "we're gonna go get something for lunch. You want to come? Call me."
I deleted the message.
"Received yesterday at 2:19pm."
"Uh, Ethan," said Justin, "Lance just told me your cousin broke his leg. Dude, I'm sorry," there was a pause, "give me a call when you get in, okay?"
"Received yesterday at 7:46pm."
"Ethan, it's Justin," said Justin, "I was...just wanted to check that you got there okay. Call me, okay?"
"Received yesterday at 10:23pm."
The phone beeped and there was a pause, then Justin started talking quietly. "Ethan...uh...I'm really worried about you. I haven't heard from you and don't know where you are...are you okay? Why haven't you called me?" there was a pause, "Please call me, okay. Please?"
"Received today at 7:31am."
"Ethan," it was Justin sounding casual. "I hope your cousin is doing okay. Are you okay? Can you call me, I..." I clicked the delete button. I didn't want to hear any more.
"Received today at 7:45am."
"Hi! It's Abby! Just calling to see how the trip is going and that everything's okay. Give me a call. Bye!"
I turned off the phone. I didn't want to get any calls. Best to forget him. Just forget him
That's all I had to do. Forget him. That's what I had to keep telling myself.
I went out to the kitchen.
I just had to put him out of my mind. Forget him.
Dave was standing at the counter eating some cereal.
I'm not even going to think...
"Hey," said Dave.
"What? Oh hey," I said, "you still here?" I looked at my watch and it was just after 9.
Just have to remind myself he's a shit. Easy to forget...
"I sometimes go in late," he said cryptically. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You were a bit out of it last night."
"Yeah," I said stretching, "I'm fine."
I caught Dave's eye and he was looking at me with an amused expression on his face.
"What," I said.
"Your Mother called this morning," he said smiling.
"She called? Why?"
"Wanted to know how my leg was," he grinned.
"Your leg? Your leg? What? How'd she..." I stood there dazed. How did my mother hear about that?
"Your friend Abby called her," he said. "Your Mother said that a friend of yours had called Abby. Something about you coming up here because of an emergency."
"Oh shit! Sorry about that. I'll...I better call her and sort it out," I said.
"Could you? Before my Mother starts calling me too," and he snickered.
"Okay, okay," I said.
Dave looked serious. "Is everything okay? Anything I can do?"
"No. I'm fine. I just needed an excuse to get out of an awkward situation. Sorry. I didn't think it would get back to anyone."
"Oh! Okay. Well I've got to run. I'll see you later tonight."
"Okay, thanks. Uh sorry about that Dave."
I called my Mom. She wasn't there so I left a message saying I was sorry about the confusion, I was fine, and it was just a 'diplomatic' excuse and I was sorry it had got out of hand.
Then I called Abby at her work.
"Hey Ab," I said trying to sound cool and calm.
"Ethan! What's going on? Is your cousin okay?"
"Nothing. Everything's fine. Actually he didn't hurt his leg at all. I'm just here hanging out in DC."
"What happened Ethan?" she asked, sounding worried. "Justin called me this morning and he's very worried. What happened?"
"He doesn't need to worry about me. I'm fine," I said a little acidly.
"So why the story about..." and she paused.
"I just had to get away," I said.
"What happened?" she asked, "What did he do?" she almost whispered.
"It's nothing," I said.
"Come on, tell me."
"Um..."
"What?" she persisted.
"I got down there and he had a girlfriend with him."
"No!" she almost yelled.
"They went out that night and then they slept together," I was whispering, tears were running down my cheeks.
"Oh Ethan, I'm sorry."
"I'm okay," sniffing and wiping my face with the back of my hand.
"I just don't understand it. So what happened then? I mean, why's he so worried about you?"
"Fucked if I know, he's just a jerk."
"He seemed genuinely upset when he called," she said. "Maybe he realizes he made a mistake?"
"A mistake?" I laughed.
"What did he say about it? Did he think you'd be okay with it or something?" she sounded confused and angry. I couldn't blame her. Justin had deceived us both. We'd thought he was a nice guy. How wrong we were. He was just like all those stories about celebrities and rich people. He was a piece of shit that thought he could do whatever he liked with whoever he liked.
"Nothing," I said finally, "I just left."
"So you didn't talk to him about it?"
"No."
"Well I don't understand it," she said. "Maybe it's just a misunderstanding?"
"A misunderstanding? He was naked in bed with her," I snapped.
"Well I don't understand it," she said thoughtfully. "He seemed genuine when he called. Why don't you call him?"
"No," I said. "I don't want to talk to him again. It's over. It never even really started. Look I've got to go. I'm going to go do a tour of the downtown."
"Okay. Yeah maybe he's just a jerk who's used to treating people like shit," she said slowly, as though thinking this through as she said it, "maybe he has someone different in each city."
"He's a fucking piece of shit Abby!" I cried.
"I'm sorry Ethan."
"I know."
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said, wiping my eyes.
"You sure?"
"Yeah," I sniffed a couple of times.
"You know I never liked him," she said.
I laughed, "Sure you didn't."
"You can do a lot better. Trust me."
"I'm just...I liked him so much."
"You've got to stop thinking about him. I know it's hard, but that's the past."
"I feel so empty," I said.
"I know. It'll take a while," she paused. "You're just grieving for the relationship. It's not really him...just what you hoped to have. It'll pass. Try not to think about him, try to think about things you can do. Have some fun."
"Sure."
"Are you coming back? Is there anything we can do for you?"
"No," I said. I tried to think. I didn't really know what I was going to do. Would I go sightseeing again tomorrow? I wasn't even sure I had the energy to go sightseeing today. But I didn't feel like driving home just yet, either. "I'm gonna stay here for a few days then come back," I said. "I'm gonna be fine."
"Okay," said Abby. "If there's anything I can do, call me, okay Ethan?"
After breakfast and a shower I took the bus down to the Mall and walked around. I didn't really feel like 'doing' anything, so I just looked around. I went into one of the museums but didn't see anything that caught my attention.
I hadn't been to Washington in ages. I don't know why. I guess it just never struck me as a place to go. The last time I had been had been when I was 15. It was a 'family' vacation; about the last family vacation we ever did as the following year my sister went off to collage.
As it was, neither my sister, Annie or I wanted to do the family vacation thing. We were teenagers and hanging out with the 'rents, and God-forbid, the six year old brother, was decidedly uncool. And we had completely different interests too, so we couldn't even agree on going off and doing something together. So my brother Simon, Dad and I spent most of the time at the Air & Space Museum and Zoo, while Annie and Mom did various art museums. I might have been interested in those too, if I hadn't had to go with my sister and mother.
Much to my surprise, the Air & Space Museum was fun. Particularly when seen through the eyes of a six-year old boy. I think it was the first time Simon and I really ever did something together. Sure we played together at home, and I took him to the playground, but that had been kind of like childcare. We'd never gone and done something together that we both wanted to do. His attention span had only recently become long enough to sit through a movie. He'd always been so young it was hard to do things with him.
That trip caused a subtle change in our relationship. We became more like brothers. Banding together against the evil older sister. Doing things together.
I really wished Simon was with me now. It would have been fun to hang out with him at the Air & Space again. I sent him a postcard with a picture of the Apollo Command Module that I bought at the gift shop. Simon had sort of out grown spaceships and rockets, but he'd still get a kick out of it.
I thought about going to an Imax movie, or wandering the exhibit halls, but I just couldn't get excited about it.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the last few weeks. When I thought about it, what did I really know about Justin? Should I have been surprised? We spent...what?...a couple of days in LA, then nothing for a couple of months and he turns up and we spend that night at Abby's. Then he splits in the morning and is back in the afternoon, only to disappear an hour later. Then he shows up a couple of weeks later for a few hours.
In between time, we had talked on the phone and emailed each other. I was really starting to think there was a connection there. Sure, it was fueled by the initial excitement of a new relationship. But I thought there was something there. I couldn't believe he'd turn around and do something so...in your face. I mean, he was begging me to come down. Why'd he do that? Did he not think I'd notice him and what's-her-name? Was he that callous? Or did he just assume I'd be okay with it? Maybe he was going to tell me she was cover. Maybe that's what she was.
But fuck! A cover was a picture in the Enquirer.
He wasn't supposed to be fucking her.
Fucking with me.
The Fuck!
When I got back to the apartment in the afternoon I checked the messages on the phone. I'd had the phone with me all day, but I hadn't turned it on. I was worried my Mother would call. Or Justin. Or Abby would call to see how I was doing, and I just didn't want to talk to anyone.
There were five messages. I debated listening to them.
I clicked the button and the voice told me the time and I heard Justin's voice, sounding upset.
"Ethan, it's Justin. Please call me. Look I know..."
I clicked the erase button.
"Ethan, I'm really sorry about..."
I clicked the erase button.
"Ethan. It's Abby, can you call me when you get a chance? Bye."
I clicked the erase button.
"Hi Ethan, it's Mom. Got your message. Glad to hear that Dave is okay. Are you okay? Just want to make sure you are all right. Call me when you get a chance. Bye. I love you."
I clicked the erase button.
"Ethan, this is Rob. Looks like there's some interest in you going back out to LA after all. I'm just talking to a couple of other people to try and get everything scheduled in one trip. Is the week of the 5th still okay? I know Linda talked to you about that, but we need to confirm, so get back to me, or just call Linda and tell her. Thanks."
I was in no mood to call Rob right now, so I clicked to save that message. I thought about calling Abby and Mom, but decided I couldn't face them at the moment either. I turned the phone off again and decided to take a nap.
Around six Dave came knocking.
"How you doing?" he asked quietly.
"Okay...just taking a nap. I went down to the Mall today and walked around."
"Great," he said, sitting down on the end of the bed, looking thoughtful. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"No. Everything's fine Dave. I'm sorry about the leg thing."
"Hey, don't worry about it. I understand."
"Okay."
"Listen," he said, "how about you get up, take a shower and then we'll have dinner. I have a friend coming over."
"A friend? You want me to go out? I don't want to get in the way."
"No. No, you won't be in the way. It's casual."
"Okay," I said, and I jumped up. "When's your friend going to be here?"
Dave looked at his watch, "Shortly," he said.
I sorted through my bag for some clothes and hastily folded up the bed before going into the bathroom to shower. I felt a lot better after the shower, and after shaving I went out to see if I could help Dave get ready.
"So who's this friend?" I asked.
"Oh, just a friend," he replied cryptically, rinsing some lettuce leaves in the sink.
"Okay. We have to play 20 questions? Is your friend male or female?"
"You're a jerk!" he laughed.
"And you're avoiding the question!" I laughed back just as the doorbell rang.
"That must be them," said Dave. "I'll get it. You wait here."
Dave went off and I heard him out in the hallway opening the door. I couldn't hear much and I went over to the counter and was working on putting together the salad that Dave had been working on when he'd been interrupted. I was kind of lost in my thoughts, perhaps happy to be busy as I was a little nervous, as I always was, when meeting someone new.
"Ethan?" I heard a soft voice say.
I froze. I knew that voice. I didn't have to turn around to know who was standing in the kitchen. I looked down at my hands and saw they were shaking.
---------- Cry Me A River by J.Timberlake/T.Mosley/S.Storch All lyrics are the property and copyright of their owners
To be continued...