All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Thanks to the many readers who have responded to this story.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 36
"They can't kill your career," I began
"Yeah, they can."
"Are you kidding me? They can't do it. You have a great future in front of you."
"Yeah, on 'Where Are They Now,' and 'Hollywood Squares' if I'm lucky."
I looked at him sideways. "You're joking."
"Maybe I'll make a career change," he said sarcastically. "I should practice: 'You want Fry's With That?' "
"Funny," I said.
"Well what else is someone with only a High School diploma going to do?"
"Oh Justin..."
"What?!" Justin demanded, turning to face me.
"Do you really have to do this?"
"What? It's the truth! It's fucking over, OK? It's over! My career, the whole thing! I'm fucked."
He started to sob and I reached out and hugged him to me, holding him close, his head on my shoulder.
We sat there quietly. I didn't know what to say. What the right thing to say was. Finally I had to give voice to what I was thinking. "So what if you were dating a woman? Would that satisfy them?" I asked quietly.
I felt him startle a little. He didn't say anything for the longest time. "I don't know..." he said finally. "I don't care...I'm not playing the game any more." He pulled away from me. "Fuck! I used to think this was fun. It's shit!" and he started to cry again, and I put my arms around him and hugged him to me.
"How's it going dear?" my Mother asked breezily.
"Oh, okay."
"Just okay? What's happened?"
"It's Justin. He's really depressed and I can't seem to get him to snap out of it. I'm really worried."
"Ohh..." said my Mother. There was a long silence. "Does he have a therapist?"
I was going to protest, but then I realized I really was that worried. I'd been trying my best to snap Justin out of the funk he was in, but I was getting nowhere. "Not at the moment," I said. "He won't talk to me, he won't talk to his Mother, it's...I'm really worried."
"You want to bring him up here? Maybe a change will do you both good."
I thought about it for a moment. Maybe Mom could get something out of Justin that I couldn't. "I'll try. He doesn't want to leave the house."
"Well keep trying," Mom said gently. "I'm sure you'll get him to snap out of it. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
"I don't understand," I said staring at him. Justin had made a big thing about going out for breakfast one Sunday morning and so we'd ended up going to a nice place in the Village. We sat in the back and Justin looked nervous. I had thought it was just nervousness about being out in the public with me. I'd been about to suggest we go home when he dropped the bomb.
"They don't want me anywhere near you prior to release," Justin said quietly. He was doing anything but look at me.
The waiter chose that moment to deliver the breakfast. He dropped them in front of us, smiled, and left. I looked down at a nicely arranged plate of food and suddenly didn't feel hungry.
"So, what are you going to do?" I asked.
"I'm going to stay out in LA," he said, still not looking at me.
"What about when you've in New York promoting the album?"
"I have to stay at a hotel."
"Okay," I said. If that was what we had to do, that's what we'd do.
"You're okay with it?" he asked slowly, finally looking up.
"No. Of course not," I said, and saw him bite his lower lip nervously. "Not seeing you for two or three months will suck. But it's what you have to do. It's what I signed up for, right?"
Justin just sat there and nodded.
"I guess we should make the most of it though, huh?" I said, reaching out quickly and patting his hand, and then pulling away from him. He tried to smile, but he was only barely there.
"You know," he said quietly, "when the first album came out all I got were questions about Britney and who I was dating. Britney, Britney, Britney. That's all it was, 24/7. Now it's going to be 'So tell me Justin, are you queer? Are you? You can tell me! Are you queer? Are you queer? Are you queer?"
I shrugged. We'd talked about this over and over again and we never made any progress. I'd given up discussing it.
"You know Justin, if you've had enough, if you want to be straight again, I'm not stopping you. The straight train leaves every hour on the hour. Just hop on board and away you go. I'll help you pack if you like."
He pursed his lips again. "I didn't mean that."
"Justin, I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want from me. When we first got together I told you I'd do whatever I had to, to help you. To keep you. But maybe what I have to do is let you go."
"What? You're just gonna quit?" he said accusingly.
"Justin, I just want to...oh fuck it! I can't argue this any more." I dropped the fork I'd been waving around and sat back in my chair. If we'd been home I might have stormed off, but I couldn't do that here. I wasn't going to make a big scene and embarrass him.
Justin looked so sad, staring at me.
"Do you want to go?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
I nodded at him. I knew he was sorry. I didn't know if it did any good, but I knew he was sorry.
I lay on the bed. I think I fell asleep. The next thing I knew he was lying beside me.
"I've got to go in the morning," he said.
"Okay," I said, swallowing heavily, staring at the ceiling.
"You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah. I may go stay with my parents for a while."
He didn't say anything. We lay there side by side, not touching each other, just thinking. I heard - and felt - him rollover towards me, and I turned my head to look at him.
"It's not your fault," he said quietly.
I nodded. "We okay?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"You still love me?" I asked.
"Always," he smiled.
I put my arms around him and we hugged and kissed and fell asleep in each other's arms.
The first month was pretty bad.
We talked on the phone and by email, but he was only half there. He was nervous and worried. He seemed unable to concentrate. His Mother was traveling with him a lot of the time - it was my idea - but that seemed to do little to ease his worries. He was miserable. I was miserable.
I went and stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks but I couldn't stay away forever. At some point I just had to get back to New York.
But back in New York the house seemed too big, and too much like him. I just sat around and missed him. I spent a lot of time out doing nothing, and at Abby and Tony's. When my publisher wanted to send me to San Francisco to do some book readings I jumped at the chance. Normally I hate traveling, but it was something to do.
I spent a week in San Francisco. I don't remember much of it. The hotel room, bookstore readings, and traveling around getting lost. That kind of summed up the whole thing. I wondered if it was anything like what Justin was doing, traveling around doing promotion.
My publisher kept getting requests for me to do interviews with unusual people - like Howard Stern - and while it was intriguing, I knew why they were really interested in me. It had nothing to do with my literary pursuits.
I was worried about other things. My biggest concern was about our future. I started to feel that Justin might never come back. I idly looked at apartment listings, wondering if it was time to get out. I didn't think we'd ever be happy again.
Justin once said that the worst thing you can do to a person is take them away from the thing they love.
Our relationship was doing that to him.
The album was finally released. It actually did well. It was well reviewed, and Justin's hard work had paid off. The album sold well; not as well as the first one, but good enough to be a solid hit, and considering the record companies mixed efforts it suggested that the record could have done even better.
We hardly spoke that week, though he called me the first day after it was released. He was jubilant. I was happy for him.
The second week he was back in the grind, and he fell back into his depression. The third week he came to New York for some promotional work. I didn't get to see him except on TV, where he seemed as happy and as bright as ever. I thought maybe I saw hints he wasn't happy, but I wasn't sure. I was probably just imagining things.
I spoke to him the day he arrived, and he sounded good. Not happy, not sad, just grounded. I idly wondered if maybe he'd finally come to some kind of acceptance of it all, and might start to pull out of his funk. Man, he had a top twenty album! Why was he so down?
Even though Justin was in town I couldn't see him, which made the whole thing seem even more unfair. I went over at Abby's for dinner but decided to go home early. If I stayed away too long the place started to smell stale and empty and I was trying to spend more time there. Trying to make it seem like home again. I was thinking about when Justin would finally be 'home.' I knew we had to talk and figure out if we still had a future.
I'd just got in the door when the phone rang. I idly thought about not getting it, but decided I might as well. It might be Justin.
"Hello?" I said.
There was a pause. "Ethan?" came Justin's voice quietly.
"Hey baby," I said. "How you doing?"
"Oh...okay...okay."
"That's great J, what have you been doing?"
Another pause, "Oh...the usual...you know."
"Yeah...you sound tired. You getting enough sleep?"
He half laughed, "I'm okay."
"You better take care of yourself, or I'll have your Mother on to you."
"Yeah..."
"Justin?" I called. He sounded really out of it.
"Hey you...you have the number for my lawyer..." he said.
"Your lawyer?"
"Uh huh..."
"I guess...I don't know... why?"
" Oh nothing...I was just... they should have sent back some paper work."
"Oh...were they supposed to send it here?"
"Mmm..." and he coughed.
"Justin? Are you okay?"
"I'm...I'm fine..." he was breathing heavily, "I love you Ethan...don't forget that."
"I love you too Justin...hey, why don't you come over? Huh? Who's going to find out? Or maybe I can meet you somewhere?"
"Huh!" he laughed quietly. "I really want to...huh...I'm ten blocks away and I can't get to you...it's...crazy this...I can't do it any more."
"We'll get through it," I said; or not. I wasn't sure but he didn't sound in the right frame of mind to talk about it right now.
"So is this lawyer stuff important?"
"No...don't worry about it. Hey I love you," he said, and it sounded like he was crying.
"Justin, you sound sick? Do you have a cold?"
"Yeah...a bit of a cold. Listen I'm gonna go now..."
"Okay baby. You need to get some sleep..."
"I love you Ethan."
"I love you too Justin."
"Bye Tiger."
"Bye Turbo."
"Bye," he repeated quietly.
God he sounded bad. With him being so depressed lately, probably it was a given that he'd catch something and it would lay him out. I kind of wished we'd talked longer but he seemed so out of it.
I hung up the phone and went over to get a drink. Maybe I'd get a Coke and it would pump me up and I could do some writing. God I had to get back to work, I'd done hardly anything for the last two weeks.
I picked up the Coke and opened the can. What was it Justin said; "don't forget I love you?" I stood there thinking for a couple of seconds.
I don't remember dropping the Coke can. One minute I was lost in thought, the next second the Coke can was exploding it's contents over the floor. I didn't care. I was too busy running to the phone to notice. I punched up Justin's cell phone. The phone rang and rang. Then it went into voice mail.
Okay, I thought I knew where he was, just call the hotel and try the phone in his room. I called the hotel...They wouldn't put me through. I didn't have the room number or password. Shit!
I hung up and punched Lance's cell phone number. "Pick up, pick up!" I kept repeating as it rang.
"Hello?"
"Lance!"
"Yes?"
"It's Ethan."
"Hey Ethan!"
"Do you have the contact information for Justin in New York?"
"No. Why? Lance asked, sounding amused.
"Shit! I'm trying to reach him at the hotel and I can't get him."
"I can get the record company to send you the info tomorrow."
"No!" I almost screamed, "I have to reach him now."
"Why?" said Lance tensely, obviously flustered by my panic.
"I don't know. Something's wrong, I have to reach him. It's urgent, it really is Lance."
I thought about calling the police and having them go to the hotel. But they wouldn't do it, would they?
"Okay Ethan. Ah...I could try Lynn's cell," Lance suggested.
His Mother. I'd forgotten her. I didn't have her cell number; I didn't need it.
"Can you try it?" I asked desperately.
"Hang on...I'll get the other phone."
I heard him doing something and then his voice, faintly. "Lynn?....It's Lance...I'm trying to reach Justin, do you know where he is?...Could you go tell him to call me...No it's really urgent...if you could...please."
"She's going to try his door," he said to me. There was a pause. "He's not answering?" I could hear him say into the other phone.
"Do they have a key?" I hissed.
"Do you have a key...no?...Lynn, look I'm a little worried about him, do you think you could get in?...No, I'm serious...Yes...I can't say why, just...could you." Then he spoke to me "they're going to go down to the lobby and get a key."
"Are any of the security guys there?" I asked.
"Lynn is there anyone with you?" Lance asked.
"There's a couple of the security guys," Lance said to me.
"Get them to break the door!" I yelled. I was panicking. This was taking too long. Part of me said it was ridiculous. They'd get in there and he'd be taking a shower and everything would be okay. I'd just be an over imaginative, panicky boyfriend. Would I look like a fool? I didn't care; I could live with that.
"Lynn, get them to break down the door...Yes I'm serious," I heard Lance saying.
There was a pause.
"What's happening?" I yelled.
"They're worried about damaging the door," he said.
"I'll pay for the door," I screamed. "Tell them I'll pay for the door! Break it down! Break it down!"
"I'll pay for the door Lynn, break it! Just break it!" Lance was yelling too, feeding off my panic.
"They're going to break it down," he said to me.
I sat there in silence listening to Lance, who was listening to the other phone. I had no idea what was going on.
"They're in," I heard Lance say after a long pause.
Okay, this was it. Everything was going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay, I kept telling myself.
"What?" I heard Lance saying, "Okay...Okay...I will...Call me...Lynn!"
"What? What?" I yelled.
"They...they got in. He was...he's unconscious. They're calling an ambulance."
"Oh God!" I cried.
"It'll be okay. He's going to be okay," he said reassuringly.
"You don't know that, you can't know that. Oh God!"
"Ethan! Calm down. He's going to be okay. Listen to me. I'm going to...I'm going to get on a plane up there. I've got to call some people. Ethan is anyone there with you?"
"What? No, I'm at the house," I snapped.
"Is there someone you can call? You shouldn't be alone," Lance said soothingly.
"Uh...yeah I can call...I can call someone," I said, calming down a little.
"Are you sure? I can call someone for you."
"No...I'm okay. I'll be okay. You're coming up?" I asked hopefully. I needed Lance.
"Yes. Lynn said she'd call me and let me know where they were taking him. I'll call you as soon as I know. I'll call your cell phone okay? Do you have that with you? Is it charged?" He was speaking slowly and deliberately, as thought talking to a child. I almost felt angry with him and then I realized how frantic I was and how I must be worrying him. I tried to calm down.
"Yes...yes I have it. Call me on that."
"Okay. He's going to be okay Ethan," Lance said softly. "I'll call you as soon as I know something. He's going to be fine."
"Yeah..." I said quietly, tears running down my cheeks.
"I'll call you shortly. Hang tough," he said and rang off.
I looked at the phone for a second, then hung up and dialed Abby's number.
"Hello?"
"Abby, it's Ethan"
"What's up?"
"Justin's...they're taking him to the hospital."
"What happened?" she gasped.
"I don't know."
"Where?"
"I don't know. They're going to let me know."
"Are you at home?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Ethan, we'll be right there. Wait for us, okay? We'll be right there."
"Thanks Abby" I said quietly.
"See you shortly. He's going to be okay."
"Yes."
I went and found my cell phone and turned it on. The battery was charged. I sat back down by the regular phone, staring at it and wondering if I should call someone. Should I call Mom and Dad? No, I couldn't do that right now. They couldn't do anything anyway. By the time they got here it would be too late anyway. Better to call them in the morning.
I looked at my watch. 11:11pm. A shiver ran up my spine. It looked like two grave markers.
'Beep!' the doorbell rang.
I shivered again. Could that be Abby already? I walked down to the front door and looked out. Abby was standing outside and Tony was down on the street standing at the open backdoor of a cab. I opened the door and Abby hugged me.
"Have you heard anything?" she asked.
"Not yet," I shook my head.
Abby turned back to Tony and called out; "Haven't heard yet."
"Do we keep the cab?" he called back to us.
Abby turned to me. I didn't know what to do. I was standing there wondering what to do when the cell phone rang.
"Hello?"
"It's Lance. He's been taken to Roosevelt Hospital."
"Okay."
"I'm on an early morning flight. I'll call you when I arrive," Lance said.
"Okay. Thanks Lance."
"Hang in there. He's a fighter."
"Bye," I said quietly.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that I thought Justin had already given up.
------------------------------- To be continued...
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Birthday Blues