All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Thanks to the many readers who have responded to this story.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 35
I laughed. How was I supposed to make that kind of promise?
"I promise I'll give you a chance to explain everything and I'm not going to blow up. Okay?"
He nodded.
"Ben wanted to come," he said quietly.
"Uh huh."
"But Mom said I couldn't ask you if he could come because it would be too much trouble," and he looked up at me nervously to see how I was reacting. "But he wouldn't be trouble, he'd help, and he really wanted to come."
"Okay, so?"
"Well so he was going to come down and just turn up," Simon said quietly, and then he looked down at his shoes.
"Uh Huh..." I said calmly, trying to appear serious, while inside I was almost laughing. "So how was he going to do that?" I asked.
Simon took a breath and was about to answer when I heard Justin's voice and turned to see him coming up beside us.
"Look who I ran into!" he said casually. He was holding the arm of a very red-looking Ben.
"Uh...uh...hey guys!" Ben said weakly.
"Simon!" I said turning back to glare at him. Part of me was kind of amused, but I was also annoyed. This could turn into a real pain. Was I going to have to arrange to send them back home now? We had to pick up the truck and get to the apartment. We were supposed to meet other people. Damn!
Simon continued to study his shoes.
"Sorry," he said quietly.
I glanced at Justin, who was smirking widely and obviously enjoying the whole thing then turned to Ben.
"Do your parents know you're here?" I asked.
"No," he said quietly.
"Shit!" I groaned, and pulled out my phone. "Where can I reach them?"
"Mom's at home," he almost whispered.
I fixed them both with a death glare.
"You two stay right here," I said, then to Justin I added, "Watch them," and I walked a short way away and made a couple of calls.
When I came back they were standing side-by-side looking totally crestfallen. Justin was leaning up against the wall a little way away, occasionally glancing at them, a big smile on his face.
"You two are in big trouble," I said, mustering up my ultimate authority voice. They looked up at me sadly, both obviously very sorry.
"What were you thinking?" I said, trying to play the heavy.
There was silence.
"I spoke to both your Mom's," I continued. "You're both grounded when you get back. And Simon," I added, "you ever pull a dumb stunt like this again and you won't get invited again. Understand?"
"Yes. Sorry," he nodded quietly.
Ben looked up sadly. "I'm sorry Ethan," he said, "It's all my fault, I talked Simon into it."
"No you didn't" Simon hissed.
"At least let Simon stay," Ben continued.
"Well that's nice of you Ben, but it's not up to me," I said, and both boys slumped against the wall. I saw Justin looking curiously at me.
"So your Mom's said..." and they both looked up, "that you can stay after all," and big smiles were on their faces and their mouths opened wide. "But you put one foot out of line and you're on the next train back. Understand?"
"Yeah, yeah, we'll be good. Promise," said Simon. He and Ben exchanged excited glances, and I looked at Justin and he was smiling.
"Come on. Let's get going," I said. "We have a truck to pick up."
"So who's helping?" Justin asked as we sat in the cab going to the U-haul place.
"Well I'm not a hundred percent certain who's going to turn up," I said. "There've been a lot of 'We should be able to help' responses, but definitely Tony and Abby, and Paul, and JC."
"JC?"
"Yeah, and Chris probably, too."
"Great!" Justin smiled.
"Lance sends his apologies. But he's going to be coming through in a couple of days and is going to help us unpack," I said, rolling my eyes. "And he really helped with getting in touch with other people and arranging things. He's been great."
Lance really had helped me a lot. He was my only connection into Justin's other world. Living in New York I hadn't become great friends with any of his band mates. I didn't really even know them. I'd kind of gotten to know Lance and Joey, but I'd only met JC once at a New York event, and had never met Chris.
The rental truck, fortunately, had a crew cab, so we could all fit. Simon and Ben rode in the back, pointing things out as we slowly crept through dense traffic.
Justin drove, and since we had a bit of time, took a bit of a circuitous route to the apartment, getting lost a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he was having fun driving the truck, or if it was for the boys benefit.
We finally made it to the apartment and double-parked in front of the building. It was a little before 11, which was our meeting time, and there were already people waiting. Two security guys were standing outside looking a little out of place. Lance had arranged these 'just in case,' and Tony and Abby had arrived with a large box of donuts. It looked like the security guys had already had a few.
After a few pleasantries we started moving boxes down from the apartment and loading up the truck. It went smoothly, and I was really pleased with myself. Everything was boxed up, and only a couple of things had to be disassembled. I'd worked really hard to get so organized; probably because Justin's friends were helping and I wanted to 'do it right.' I hated it when you offered to help someone move, and they were still putting things in boxes when you got there to help.
Of course, if it had just been my friends, I probably wouldn't of started packing until the morning of the move!
In the next fifteen minutes Chris, Paul, and JC arrived, as did Jason. Jason was back in town briefly, before heading back to LA where his acting career seemed to be going well.
It was a little weird meeting JC again, and Chris for the first time. When I'd met JC before it had been briefly at an event and really just a hurried introduction. I don't know if I was projecting, but I thought maybe there was some jealousy there; not necessarily sexual jealousy, just the 'he was my friend first' kind of thing. Chris, on the other hand, seemed much more relaxed and very easy going. I liked Chris.
I was actually glad that we were busy doing something when they arrived; we hadn't had to stand around awkwardly making conversation. Justin went and greeted them, laughing and joking for a bit, while the rest of us worked, and then they joined in.
Simon and Ben worked hard, and we had more people than we really needed, but then that made the move go that much quicker.
In less than an hour we'd loaded up the truck and were off. Justin, Chris, Simon, Ben and I were in the truck, while Tony and Abby had brought their car and took Jason, JC and Paul. The two security guys took a cab to the house.
As we were driving to the house Justin once more took the longest route possible, and got lost again. I kept telling him what to do, and he would question it and go the other way!
"Okay Justin, you want to take this left."
"You said left, right?" he'd ask, sounding puzzled.
"Right."
"Oh! Right!" and he took the right.
Everyone else thought our Abbott and Costello routine was hilarious, and I was playing along for a while too, but we couldn't waste too much time. I finally had to threaten to take out a map to get Justin to go the right way.
"So tell me again why you didn't get movers?" Chris asked. He was sitting in the middle of the back seat and leaning forward to talk to Justin.
"I think it's because Justin always wanted to be a truck driver," I said, and Chris looked at me and nodded with a smile. Then he looked thoughtful.
"So J," he said. "If you wanted to drive a truck, why didn't you just rent one and drive it around? Then you could hire someone to move your stuff and we wouldn't spend the day lost in New York."
"Umm.." said Justin, looking a little sheepish. "Nah," I finally said. "This is more fun!"
We managed to get everything into the house even quicker, and then we spent an hour or two organizing, and giving everyone tours. We ordered pizza and sat out in the garden, eating pizza, drinking beer and soda. It was a beautiful day, and it was great to be in 'our home.'
That night Ben and Simon camped out in one of the bedrooms. I hadn't really spoken to Simon much since the morning, but he came to find me and say good night and apologize once more for bringing Ben without asking.
I was trying to set up some stuff in my office and Simon pulled the door closed so we had some privacy. After he finished his apology I told him it was okay and gave him a playful clip to the back of the head. The kind of thing any big brother did.
I thought that was it, but Simon seemed to have more he wanted to say.
"What?" I prompted him.
He paused for a moment, then he shrugged. "Nothing," he said.
"Spit it out tadpole."
He smiled at me then looked away.
"I think Cam's kind of looking for a replacement family," he finally said.
"Huh?"
"Like if Mom and Dad adopted him he'd move in tomorrow."
"He not get on with his folks?" I asked.
"They're not around much. Kind a cold, you know?" he said, frowning.
"Oh."
Neither of us said anything for a moment.
"You know Simon, if it's upsetting you, you've got to let Mom know," I said.
He nodded.
"It's kind of hard though, you know? Cam's had it kind of hard so I feel guilty being angry with him trying to move in."
I stood there, not sure what to say.
"Hey, you want me to talk to Mom?" I asked him.
He shrugged.
"You know he's not going to replace you or anything, and I'm sure Mom is just trying to help him out."
"I know..."
"And I'm not adopting some jerk for a brother...I've already got one of those," and I reached out and hugged him close.
Simon laughed.
"It's okay," he finally said, after I'd let him go.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," I said. "Well you know...you can always come and live in the basement if Mom decides she doesn't want you around any more."
"Really?" Simon asked, sounding excited.
"Sure! I'll even give you a 10% family discount on the rent."
He smiled.
"Thanks Ethan," he said.
I hugged him. "Any time, squirt."
As Simon left I sighed to myself. I was going to have to call Mom about that tomorrow.
Living in the house really made a change to our relationship. Things were more comfortable. More relaxed. Justin had his space, and I had mine. My office was a pigsty; the rest of the house was Justin clean. What ever kept him happy I figured; though I did do my best to mess up half the bedroom just to establish my ownership rights. And when he was away the place tended to spiral down a bit.
We settled into a routine. I worked in my office, while he worked in his home studio, or went down to a recording session if he had time booked somewhere. He usually recorded outside the house if there were other musicians involved.
We'd have dinner with Abby and Tony every other week, and we started to have a small circle of other friends. People he recorded with, friends of mine. Every now and again one of the NSYNC guys would stop in on their way through New York.
It almost seemed like we were an old married couple, though neither of us ever talked about that.
We even saw a bit of Ellie and Karen, the couple from Tony's birthday party. Frankly, it was a little weird, because I think Ellie had a thing for Justin, and I didn't like the way he looked at her sometimes. Karen and I became great friends, but that was different. We were just good friends. We had a lot in common intellectually. We clicked. If she'd been a guy, I would have been interested in her. As a woman, she was great to hang out with, and Justin didn't feel any threat; whereas he didn't like it when Jason and I got together once when Justin was out of town. Justin was irritated about that for days.
Which made the Ellie and Justin thing even more irritating for me, because I could see Justin was flirting with her.
"What the matter?" Karen said to me one day. We were sitting in a diner having lunch. She had called me up and asked if I wanted to have lunch and I said sure.
"What?" I said.
"When I asked you if you wanted to have dinner together when Justin gets back, you made a face."
"No I didn't!" I lied.
Karen rolled her eyes. "Excuse me, but I know a face when I see one, and you definitely made one. What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Is it Ellie and Justin?"
"What?"
"The two of them flirting with one another?"
"You noticed that too?" I said, a little surprised.
"It's hard to miss sometimes. He's such a boy," Karen laughed.
"Oh and Ellie doesn't encourage him!" I joked back. I felt weird about it; a little miffed but not really mad.
She laughed.
"The bi part of Justin really comes out sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable," I admitted.
"Why?"
"Well...doesn't it upset you?" I said.
"Justin flirting with Ellie?"
"No! Ellie flirting with Justin!"
She sat there for a moment, as though thinking.
"No," she said finally.
"No!" I almost hissed.
"Well, I trust Ellie," she said. "Don't you trust Justin?"
"Yeah," I said quietly, thinking to myself. "Mostly."
"Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "Well if it will put your mind at rest, Ellie likes flirting with Justin because it's fun, but that's all it is. Kind of a game. She's not interested in him. She thinks he's got a great body, but just between you and me, if she was going to leave me for a guy it wouldn't be Justin."
"No? Why not?"
"He's just not her sort, you know? It'd be a brief fling and then she'd kick him out, they'd never be able to stay together."
"Well that doesn't make me feel any better," I said.
"You should watch them more closely. When he's not flirting with her, he kind of grates on her. But please don't tell him that. We both like him. As a friend."
"So you're saying he's annoying?" I asked. That wasn't the answer I was expecting.
"Yeah," she laughed, "but isn't everyone at some point or another?"
"I guess."
Justin annoying? He was a lot of work. Exhausting sometimes, sure. Sometimes I got really mad at him. But annoying? That was so...wishy-washy.
"So what's the problem?" Karen asked.
"What?"
"You don't really think he's going to cheat on you with Ellie do you?"
"No, I guess not," I admitted.
"So what's the problem?"
"He's bisexual," I said. "How do I compete with all the woman he meets?"
"How do you compete with all the men?" she said.
"That's different."
"How's it different?"
"We have the same...well you know, things are the same...uh," I didn't really know what I was trying to say. Or even what I was really thinking.
"You know a lot of people are attracted to at least someone of the same and opposite sex," Karen began. "There's very few people who have absolutely zero attraction to one of the sexes. So in a way, doesn't everyone have to worry about that?"
"Everyone doesn't have to worry about their boyfriend being one of the sexiest people on the planet," I countered.
"I'm sorry. And you're complaining about what?" Karen asked, smirking.
I grinned. "I guess."
"Well smarten up. You just have to make sure that you're both happy. If you're both happy and contented, then you have nothing to worry about."
"I guess him being away a lot makes that a problem."
"Yes, but anyone has that problem who is involved with someone like Justin. So just deal with it. Do the best you can to enjoy what you have."
"Huh."
"Don't spend all your time worrying about losing something when you should be spending it on making what you have better."
I sat there.
I pulled out my cell phone and pushed a button. Waited for the voice mail to come on.
"Hey baby," I said. "I was sitting here missing you and thinking about you and just wanted to call and say hi and hope things are going okay. I hope you can get a chance to call me tonight, otherwise I'll see you tomorrow. Miss you, love you."
I hung up and smiled at Karen.
"Feel better?"
"A little," I said.
"Everyday you should spend a bit of time thinking about how to keep the relationship working. It's a job you know! Just don't be cloying. Don't go from one extreme to the other."
"Thanks," I said. "When's you advice book coming out?"
She laughed.
"You know," she said, "there's something else I wanted to talk about, though maybe now's not the right time."
"Oh, come on, spit it out!" I laughed.
"Well...I was wondering. Have you and Justin thought about kids?"
"Kids...as in having kids?" I said.
"Yes."
"No!" I joked. I thought it was kind of an odd question.
"Why not?"
"Well," I said, suddenly thinking about something that hadn't even crossed my mind before. "We couldn't even manage a puppy at the moment and, well, I don't think either of us is very maternal."
"Oh," she said wistfully.
"Are you thinking about it?"
"Well," she smiled, "we have been talking about it. We've been together a while, and we're getting older, and financially now might be a good time, you know?"
"Hey, each to their own," I said, adding quickly. "Just kidding! I think that's great. I think you'd make great parents."
She smiled nervously.
I felt like there was more. I kind of gave her a 'so?' glance and she smirked.
"Well, you see, we were thinking about a donor," she said.
"A donor?"
"Sperm donor."
"Oh."
"And well we didn't really like the idea of an anonymous sperm donor," she went on.
"Uh huh..."
"And we kind of went through people we knew," and she smiled at me.
I didn't say anything.
"Well the married men we just felt that was too much to ask, and even single men it seemed...and then we thought..." and she smiled at me again.
"You were thinking of having a little Justin?" I said, completing the thought.
"Or a little Ethan," she said, and I wasn't sure if she was kidding me.
"Oh," I said. I had absolutely no idea what to say. I was speechless. Completely flabbergasted.
Karen sat there quietly for a moment.
"Uh...look I'm sorry if this is..." she began nervously.
"No! It's okay, I'm just a little surprised. Well shocked really."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. Just not something I've been asked before. Or expected to be...are you sure this is a good idea?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well...you know...a gay father and a gay mother, are you hoping the two cancel out or something?"
"Are you serious?"
"Well, no...I mean...I don't know. It just seems like, well an odd way of making a child."
"And going to an anonymous sperm donor is better?"
"Maybe," I shrugged. "It just...seems kind of weird. Maybe that's just me."
Karen looked down at her cup of coffee for a moment and then looked up seriously. "We actually thought about it and we decided no one knows," she began seriously. "I mean, you can say that we're messing with nature, but let's face it, if we were animals and we had the urge to have children, we'd probably pick you guys anyway because we find you more attractive than the other males we run into."
"Thanks..." I laughed. "I think..."
"Does that make sense?" she asked.
"Yeah...I guess."
She smiled. "So no then?"
"Uh...I can't...it just seems...I don't think we're even ready to think about..."
"We're not asking you to be the fathers or have any involvement in the children. We'd treat it like you were anonymous sperm donors. If you wanted to be involved then we're willing to discuss that too. We think a father could be a good influence...in moderation."
"Thanks!"
"I was thinking of Justin," Karen said.
"Well thanks for that too."
Karen laughed. "We're not looking for a co-parenting thing here. We're looking for a sperm donor. And it can start and end there."
"Yeah, still, you know 18 years later this kid could turn up pissed that it didn't know. You know!" I countered.
"Well you'd have to think about it."
"Okay. I'll think about it, though I'll tell you now, I don't think Justin will be interested at all."
"What do you mean 'sounds neat'?" I said to Justin.
We were sitting at the table having dinner and I had kind of half- heartedly mentioned Karen's request. I presented it as; 'You'll never guess what Karen was talking about the other day!' thinking he'd think it was as crazy an idea as I did.
Boy was I wrong!
"I don't know," he said shrugging, and smiled this huge grin.
"What?" I said.
"Well, don't you want to have kids some day?" he asked.
I sat there thinking. Kids? I mean, they were all right. I guess I'd kind of had fantasies about having children running around, taking them to the park and stuff. But God! It looked like a lot of trouble. I knew a few people who had young kids, and then of course, my parents had had Simon when I was ten, so I had a good idea of what effect that had on my parents - and me. I had resented the kid at first, or at least I did when my Mother was pregnant. The first year just seemed so difficult, and was a bit of an adjustment for me. But then I fell in love with the little brat; maybe because he always looked up to me and followed me around like a puppy. He eventually broke down my defenses.
But anyway, we weren't talking about having kids. We were talking about helping someone else have a kid. Which we might never have anything to do with until they came back later in life, sullen and pissed off because they didn't know who their father was. There'd be all this guilt and drug addiction and stuff...
I think I saw too many after school movies growing up.
I suddenly realized that Justin was waiting for me to answer him.
"Uh...maybe. But this is more complicated...and simpler in some ways," I finally said.
"If you don't want to do it, that's fine," he shrugged.
Well that was a relief. That meant Justin hadn't really thought about it. He'd just had an initial positive reaction and it wasn't something he'd set his heart on. I wouldn't have to try and argue him out of it.
"I don't think it's something I can consider at the moment. But if you want to do it, you could do it." I threw out. I don't really know why I said it.
Justin's head popped up and he stared at me.
"What's that about?" he asked.
"What?" I asked absently.
"I could do it if I wanted to? Why'd you say that?" he asked. He stared at me, his face genuinely puzzled.
"Because it's not any of my business."
"My having kids with someone is none of your business? Really? You feel that way?" He looked hurt.
"Uh...I guess I...you know I kind of saw it as something like giving blood."
He gave me a 'huh' look and I felt myself blush.
"Okay, not a great analogy," I said. "Strike that, it is my business," I said.
"So you're telling me I can't?" he said, flashing a smug grin.
"No! I'm...I guess we need to talk about it," I said lamely.
"Exactly," he said triumphantly. "But it's clear you need to think about it some more before we talk about it," and he gave me this shit eating grin. I hated when he did that. I hated when he acted all superior and triumphant because he worked out what I was thinking before I could figure it out myself. It was times like these that made me want to slap that grin off his face.
But then he kind of dropped his head a little and cocked it to the left and gave me his puppy-dog eyes look and...well...what was I supposed to do then? I did the only thing I could. I went around to his side of the table and gave him the biggest, sloppiest, longest kiss I could.
I came home late one day from a trip up to my parents. The house was dark. I'd been away for a few days and Justin had gone out to meet the LA record people, and doing a couple of appearances. I didn't expect him back for a couple of days, but when I stepped inside the house I found that the security system was deactivated. For a second I wondered about it, but decided that since Justin was the last to leave, he probably had forgotten to arm it again. I couldn't help wondering why we had all this security when the person we had it for spent most of his time avoiding it?
I dropped my bag in the hallway and was walking through to the kitchen when I noticed a shape in the living room. I startled a little, but it didn't move, so it didn't seem like a threat. Maybe Justin had bought something. I looked closer and realized it was Justin, sitting there in the dark, looking out the window. I flicked on the hallway light so I could see in the room without tripping over something, and wandered in.
"Justin?" I asked softly, "You okay?" I walked over to him and he looked up at me with a long sad face. "What happened baby?" I asked him softly.
He just shook his head and turned back to looking out the window. I sat down beside him and he just continued staring. I reached out my arm and put it around his shoulders.
"Have a bad day at the office," I joked. He didn't budge. We sat there in silence.
"They're not going to promote it," he said quietly.
"What?"
"The album. They're going to release it quietly, but they're not spending a fraction on it that they spent on the last album."
"Oh."
"They don't think it warrants the expense. I think if they could they wouldn't release it at all."
I sat there in silence. "Isn't there something you can do?" I finally asked. "You can't just let them kill it through inattention."
"It does badly and they don't have to continue the contract," he said, tears running down his cheeks. He wiped at them with the palm of his hand. "It's the end of my career."
------------------------------- To be continued...
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Birthday Blues