All the Ways I love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 3
I tried to sound casual, but I must have done a bad job of it, as Justin stopped what he was doing and turned towards me, a huge smile still plastered on his face.
"What?" he asked, and he saw my face and the smile slipped a notch.
"It's just something I should have told you earlier," I said.
"You're a vegetarian?" he asked, obviously trying to joke.
"No, it's not that."
"You don't want off the project do you?" he said seriously. He seemed generally concerned, and I felt like this was already getting too heavy, but I had to plunge on.
"No it's not that."
"Oh...okay" he said and we sat there for a second, me trying to get up the courage to continue and him waiting expectantly for me to speak.
Finally I started to open my mouth, but he interrupted me before I could really start.
"This isn't about you being gay is it?" he asked.
"What?!" I said, the surprise obvious in my voice and probably my expression.
"I already now that," he said casually, and obviously he decided that was it, as he turned back to the steering wheel and started up the car. "You still up for lunch?" he asked.
"How long have you known?" I asked, a little stunned.
"I knew when I met you. I checked out your website..."
"Oh...you said you didn't know anything about me!" I said. How dumb of me. Why hadn't I thought of that?
Justin grinned sheepishly. "And Johnny told me too," he added.
"Oh..." I almost groaned. How stupid of me. 'Shit!' I thought. Why had I been stressing about this?
"So why didn't you say something before?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "It didn't come up. You didn't ask me who I slept with, so I didn't feel I could ask you the same thing," and he looked at me with a big grin on his face.
"Oh."
"We cool?" he asked holding out his hand for me to give him five. I slapped his hand in a hale and hearty guy-like manner, maybe a little harder than I needed to, but he just grinned and off we went.
Lunch was lunch. We joked about my lack of golfing ability, and Justin tried to convince me I should take some lessons and take it up seriously. I said I just liked the golf range, and had never liked mini-golf. Combining the two 'sports' never seemed like a good idea to me I told him. He rolled his eyes good-naturedly and I told him I'd go with him to the golf range again any time and he smiled happily.
After lunch we went shopping at a store Justin knew. It was expensive, private, and obviously catered to celebrities, so we didn't have to worry about him being mobbed. Something he was always worrying about.
Much to my surprise, I found some pants and a shirt that, together, cost less than $400. Believe me, that was a small miracle. And I actually liked them and thought I might wear them back home sometimes too, so it wasn't a complete waste of money.
And even better for my pride, I could pay for them myself.
I'd used just about all that was left on my credit card to pay the hotel bill when I checked out that morning, but I wasn't certain exactly how close to the limit I was. I'd only bought the one card. I had one other, but it was at home in a draw because it was suffering from over use.
But as I'd been paying the hotel bill I'd realized that I still had a credit card that Dad had given me when I first moved to New York. I'd used the card a few times when I'd moved, always paying Dad back later. Then I'd stuck it in the back of my wallet and forgot about it.
He'd told me to keep it for emergencies.
Looking good for Justin Timberlake definitely fell under the category of an emergency I reasoned.
Fortunately it was still valid. I figured it'd be okay to use it...though I was a little nervous as they rang up the purchase. I mentally told myself to remember and call Dad, and let him know I'd used it and would be sending him a check shortly.
After the shopping we went back to Justin's 'crib,' a huge house on an even larger piece of land. He showed me to a bedroom and we dumped my stuff, and then he gave me a tour of the place. I couldn't believe it. It was like walking through a House & Garden photo spread. It was huge and expensively decorated. Everything was very neat and tidy. I figured Justin for a neat freak, and added it to the mental list of pluses and minuses I'd been keeping on him.
I put that in the minus column.
I am the complete opposite of a neat freak and knew from past experience that this seemingly minor detail would cause friction if we spent any length of time together.
The plus and minus list was pretty long on the minuses now, which was good as it took my mind off fucking the golden goose, so to speak. I was starting to see that Justin could only be friend material.
I idly wondered how many other people did that.
When I meet new people that I think are really hot, or interesting, I immediately start pulling them apart. Totaling up their good and bad points in my mind. Inevitably, the bad parts seem to just jump out at me, and before I know it I've decided that they are completely unsuitable for me. Before I even really get to know them. I've even come to that conclusion about someone before speaking to them.
Was I becoming too choosy? Next time I spoke to my Mother I'd have to ask her about that. Maybe I had a fear of intimacy or something?
Justin suggested we play some video games. It wasn't really my bag, but I said 'sure' in as an enthusiastic tone as I could muster. Much to my surprise, after a short period of time I was hooked! I'd never been a huge video games freak, but Justin had this PlayStation 2 that had incredible 3D worlds to explore. There was this great driving game that I couldn't get enough of, and I just liked some of the experiences of the worlds; it was like being in a movie.
We microwaved frozen pizza for dinner, and I would have stayed playing games all night but Justin eventually dragged me away to get ready to go to the club. I changed and was back downstairs in about ten minutes flat, playing the game again. Justin was gone for over half an hour, which was fine by me as it gave me more game time, but I did idly wonder what the hell it was he was doing.
Turned out he had showered and shaved and everything, and for a second I felt self-conscious again. I guess I hadn't really been focusing on the fact that we were going out to a club, and in theory were on the hunt for compatible sex-partners. I mean, that's what going out to a club is really all about, right?
It wasn't like I was a complete neophyte. I'd played the game before - unsuccessfully. Yeah, I showered those times. But I just wasn't into the scene. I like going out with friends and dancing, but the rest of the experience leaves me cold.
Justin, however, was loaded for bear, and really into it.
Another mental minus point.
But boy did he look hot! The leather pants were tight and bulged in all the right places, and a thin shirt clung to his chest, while a small vest covered not much at all. He had a silly looking fuzzy hat on that I thought looked stupid. I'd have to figure out a way to get rid of that.
"You ready to stop playing that thing?" he asked, standing in the doorway and I looked up from the game and my eyes drank him in. The plus column suddenly went up by a huge amount.
"Wait until you see the woman at this place!" he smirked, and the minus column went up.
"Yeah, yeah," I said getting up from the floor and checking to see if I was still presentable.
"The guys are pretty good looking too...you might get lucky!" he joked.
"Huh," I said, as we walked out. We passed a mirror and I saw myself and realized that I looked pretty pathetic next to Justin. He was just in a different league. Hell, even if he was gay I wouldn't be good enough for him to date.
As we got to the door I stopped him.
"Hey, wait up," I said.
He stopped and I stood in front of him, running my eye slowly up and down. He stared at me with this curious expression and I brought my hand up to my chin, the forefinger pointing up so that I looked thoughtful, and I clicked my tongue.
"Gee, I don't know," I said, "you look pretty good and all, but something's just not right..."
Justin stood there smiling and rolled his eyes.
"Uh huh," he said suspiciously.
My eyes went up to the hat and I made a 'bingo' expression. I reached out and grabbed the hat off his head and threw it back into the house. Then I ran my hands over his hair softly, imaginarily straightening some out-of-place hairs.
"Much better," I said.
"Really?" he replied, fixing me with a suspicious gaze.
"Hey!" I snickered, "if you can't trust a gay guy for fashion tips who can you trust?"
Justin opened his mouth, as though to say something. Probably that he looked twice as good as I did, but then he seemed to change his mind and just shrugged his shoulders.
"Come on," he said. "The security guys are already here."
As we stepped out the door he paused for a moment.
"Hey, if you meet someone," he said, and he looked at me closely, "you can bring them back if you want."
I looked at him a little shocked.
"Ah, I don't think that's going to happen," I said.
"Well, if it does..." he paused, "or if you want to go back with someone, just call me in the morning and I'll come pick you up."
I was more than a little amazed by the conversation, and I almost felt like my privacy was being invaded. Did he think I was some slut that was going to hook up with the first person I saw? I wasn't looking for that kind of thing. Then it occurred to me. Maybe Justin was looking for something from me.
"Well, thanks," I said, "and, you know, if you want to bring someone back, I'm cool with that too. Though if you end up going back to their place I don't know what I'm going to do."
"I wouldn't leave you stranded," he said and punched my shoulder. "Hey, maybe we could have a threesome!" he said, though I could tell he was joking.
"You wish!" I joked back at him and he smiled broadly. And for a second I had visions of the mechanics of a threesome with Justin. I assumed the third person would be a girl. But who did he expect me to play with? It was a joke, I told myself, best to put that out of my head.
"Anyway," he said, "we're going to have security with us, so you'll get home one way or another."
I wondered what he meant by security.
It turned out 'security' meant two guys who were waiting in a large SUV. They drove us to the place and hung around Justin all of the evening, making sure he wasn't hassled by anyone. I was surprised. I guess I thought he was 'safe' in the rarefied atmosphere of LA, but it turned out he couldn't go out much in public without his minders. I was beginning to envy him less and less.
The club was pretty much as I expected. Loud music, alcohol, people on the prowl, dancing, alcohol. I went with the alcohol, and only a few times ventured out on to the dance floor. I just didn't want to dance in front of Justin. Who would? Justin however spent much of the time on the dance floor talking to people he seemed to know and having a great time.
After about an hour I was wondering how long we'd be staying. I'd chatted with some people, and was just getting another drink when I saw Justin making his way through the crowd towards me. Behind him was what looked like one of the members of NSYNC. Sure enough, Justin introduced me to Lance, describing me as the scriptwriter from New York.
After getting the introductions out of the way Justin said he had to go talk to someone and left us together. I offered to buy Lance a drink and he smiled warmly at me and we walked off to the side and found somewhere a little quieter to sit and talk.
"So you're writing a script for Justin?" Lance asked.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to be, though I haven't really started it yet."
"What have you written before this?"
"A couple of books. This is my first script. Between you and me, I think they were getting desperate!"
"Probably," Lance laughed, "I don't envy you" he said, and I wasn't sure whether it was an idle comment or if he was referring to Justin or what.
I figured it wasn't worth pursuing, and instead we chatted a bit about LA and New York, and the pros and cons of each.
Lance talked about where he had grown up. He was really nice and we were getting on very well. He started talking about space travel and his eyes just lit up. But even when talking about something he was obviously passionate about he was very different from Justin. He was quieter and more laid back, and he expressed himself in a very different way. He wasn't as hyper. In a way, it was kind of relaxing hanging with him after the time I'd spent with Justin. Justin was just so 'on,' it was exhausting.
It idly occurred to me that if I were to pick one of them to date it would be Lance. Not that I thought Lance was gay. I couldn't tell, and I wasn't going to ask. His personality was just so much more like that of other guys I'd dated.
A young woman came over and asked Lance if he wanted to dance and he said sure and he asked me if I was going to go too, but I said I was just going to hang.
Two minutes after Lance left Justin turned up and wanted to know if I was okay and having a good time. I told him I was having a great time and had enjoyed talking to Lance.
"Well, it's time to get you on the dance floor," he said, and despite my protests he dragged me out on the floor and we ended up in a sea of bouncing people. I tried to move away from Justin - my insecurity coming up again - but he kept following me around, staying just a little way away from me. I eventually gave up and tried to concentrate on the people around us.
A pretty girl smiled at me and we ended up shouting back and forth a little. She had short dark hair and she was pretty cute. Her name was Angie and she was an actress. What a surprise I almost said. I told her I was a writer and she wanted to know what I was working on and I lied that I wrote children's books and was just visiting a friend. I was worried she'd be asking me to get her an audition or something.
After a while, I turned around and Justin had moved off somewhere else, and I felt it was safe to retreat to a corner. So I said goodbye to Angie - who didn't seem that sorry to see me go - and went to find somewhere to sit.
I was kind of resting, thinking about another drink, when Lance came over.
"Hey there," I said.
He sat down next to me. "So how's it going?" he asked.
"Tired," I said, "I think I'm still on New York time."
"Where are you staying?"
"I was at a hotel down town, but I'm supposed to be crashing at Justin's tonight."
"Yeah?" said Lance, a strange expression flickering across his face.
I looked at my watch, "Yeah, though I'm starting to regret it. I'm gonna fall asleep soon."
"Justin's over there," he pointed, "I'm sure he'd run you home."
"I don't want to ruin his night," I said, "I'll be okay."
"I was thinking about going soon, I could drop you," Lance offered.
"Thanks, but I can't get in."
"I've got a key," he said, smiling.
"Uh...it's okay."
"No, come on, I'll take you back," he said standing.
"You sure you want to go now?" I asked worriedly. Now I felt like I was ruining his evening.
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired, I'm on east coast time too."
I stood, but was silently debating what to do.
"Problem?" he asked.
"I was debating telling Justin. I think if I go tell him I'm going he'll want to take me home and that'll ruin his evening."
"Hmm," Lance said standing there, "well we could sneak out and then you could call his cell when we get home."
"Uhh..." I said. That seemed a little underhanded.
Lance saw my indecision and then he saw a young woman and waved her over, "Hey Stef, can you let Justin know that I've taken his friend Ethan back to his place?"
"Back to his place?" she asked blankly.
"Yeah, he's staying with Justin," Lance nodded at me, "but he's kind of tired so I'm going to drop him off now. I wanted Justin to know so he doesn't worry about him."
"Okay," she said brightly and nodded to us and then walked off towards the bar.
"She'll tell him," he assured me, and then he looked at me "ready to go?"
"Yeah, thanks for this," I said.
"My pleasure."
We walked out the door and down the two flights of stairs to the entrance. There were people still coming in as we were leaving and we had to stay to the side to let them up. I looked at my watch and was once again amazed how late people went to clubs. And I thought I was a night owl.
We were just about at the bottom of the stairs when I heard the sound of someone running down the stairs. It sounded like they were taking them two steps at a time. I stopped and turned, wanting to make sure the person didn't run me over, and saw Justin bounding towards me. Behind him, a few steps back, was one of the security guys.
"Where are you guys going?" he asked a little breathlessly.
Lance stopped and turned.
"I was just going to run Ethan back to your place J," Lance said.
"Why didn't you tell me you wanted to go Ethan?" he said.
"We asked Stef to tell you," Lance replied.
"I didn't want to ruin your evening," I added.
"That's okay," he said, still breathing hard, "I'll take you."
"Lance said he'd drop me off and he has a key," I protested. "I figured it'd be okay, and you can stay out as late as you want".
"No, I'll take you home," he said wiping sweat from his forehead.
"It's no trouble," Lance offered.
"Thanks Lance, but I'm ready to go anyway," Justin replied.
He stood there and I knew he wasn't going to change his mind so I turned to Lance.
"Hey, well nice meeting you Lance and thanks for offering me the ride," and I put out my hand and he shook it.
"You too Ethan," he said smiling and then said goodbye to Justin and walked out.
I turned back to Justin and he stared at me and I rolled my eyes.
"What?" he asked.
"What do you think?" I replied.
"I don't know," he said.
"Why didn't you stay? You didn't have to do this."
"I want to do this. You're my guest."
"Yeah, but..." I figured he wouldn't change his mind, "okay."
"What?" he said, then he added thoughtfully, "you wanted to go home with Lance?"
I looked at him and saw what he was thinking. "No! I just wanted to go home and sleep and he offered to drop me. I didn't want to ruin your evening."
"It's not ruined," he said, "I had a great time. I'm ready to go."
We were kind of quiet on the ride back to his place.
"I'm beat," I said as we entered his house.
"You want something to drink?" he asked.
"I think I'll just go to bed thanks."
"Okay. What do you want to do tomorrow?"
I thought for a moment, "We really should work on the script ideas some more. I'm leaving in the evening."
Justin frowned, "Couldn't you put together some ideas and send them to me once you get back?"
I stared at him for a moment. I knew we'd been avoiding working on the movie, but I figured we would eventually get around to it. I couldn't believe he wanted to avoid it entirely. Either he had no interest in the project, or he had an unfounded trust in my skills. I didn't feel comfortable with either of those thoughts.
"I think it'd be better if we sat down for a little bit and talked some more about what you'd like in the movie. Don't you think?"
He looked away, "I guess."
"Justin, is there a problem?"
"No, no, you're right," he said nodding. "We'll do that tomorrow. Then maybe we can take a drive up the coast."
"Ah...okay."
"Great," he smiled.
"Well, thanks Justin, sorry to drag you home so early, but I did have fun," I said and I held out my hand to shake his. I don't know why. I guess I felt like doing something, but a hug seemed too much.
Justin grinned and grabbed my hand but then he pulled me a bit towards him and slapped my back with his other hand.
"It was my pleasure," he said. "Good night."
"Night, Justin."
The next morning Justin woke me at 8 am. I knew it was a mistake to bring him home early.
"Ethan!" he yelled banging on my door.
"What?" I mumbled as he burst in.
"Get up! Come on, we're going to go drive up the coast and have a late breakfast."
"What?" I was having trouble focusing on what he was saying. Did he say we were going to drive up the coast? "I thought we were going to work on the script," I said.
"We'll do that too!"
"Justin!"
"Promise!" he said, "Come on, get up, the day's wasting!" and he turned and walked out of the room.
"Yeah, yeah," I moaned. Couldn't I stay in bed for another minute or two? I lay back down and was settling in for a few minutes more when the door burst open and Justin ran in, grabbing the covers, and pulling them off.
"Hey!" I yelled, but he just grabbed them up and ran out leaving me on the bed.
Damn him! I struggled up and wandered down to the kitchen and tried to find something to drink. I decided on juice. I figured that would keep me going until breakfast. I wasn't really a big breakfast person anyway.
Back in the bedroom I gathered up some clothes and then walked down to the guest bathroom.
Opening the door, I was just kind of on automatic and it didn't immediately register that there was someone in the room already. Then suddenly it did register and I nearly had a heart attack. Justin was naked, standing at the counter, and he turned to face me and I saw all of him. For a moment he just stood there, and I just stood there looking, and then he calmly reached out and grabbed for a towel and I spun around and started apologizing.
"I'm sorry, I thought this was the guest bathroom, I didn't think you'd be in here."
"That's okay," he said, "I sometimes use this one. I guess I didn't think either. You can use this one," and he stepped up to me and I turned to face him. The towel was wrapped around his waste, but his bare chest was right in front of me and I almost drooled. I had to force myself to look at his face rather than look down. Justin stood in front of me and I realized he was waiting for me to step out of the way so he could get out. I smiled nervously, stepping back, and he walked out and disappeared down the hallway.
Once in the bathroom I closed the door and locked it, and then let out a long breath. Oh God! Well that was going to be the object of a lot of jack-off fantasies.
I was just about to get into the shower when I noticed Justin's clothes in a pile. I picked them up and ran my fingers over the jeans and underwear. I wanted to put them to my cheek and feel them and smell them, but I felt foolish. I also had this thought that maybe he had hidden cameras. I don't know where that came from. Just my paranoia coming to the fore. Well, I figured, he'd be back for these so I went to the door and opened it. He was standing right there about to knock.
"You looking for these?" I asked holding up the clothes.
"Yeah," he said, "I forgot...them..."
"You did," I agreed, handing them over to him. He smiled a self- conscious smile and then walked off again and I closed the door, locking it.
I couldn't help wondering though, as I took a very cold and quick shower, whether Justin had just flashed me intentionally.
If the morning bathroom incident wasn't odd enough, the drive up the coast was even odder.
Justin was very subdued and I didn't know whether he was embarrassed about the whole thing, or whether something else was bothering him. It had been odd last night too when he'd insisted on bringing me back. I was getting such odd signals from him. If he were anyone else I would have bet money he was interested in a little more than friendship, but I kept telling myself not to fuck the golden goose. And I knew that it was impossible for me to be impartial. I knew I liked him a lot, and might be reading anything into innocent incidents.
If it wasn't for the job. If it wasn't for the fact he lived in LA. If it wasn't for the fact he was Justin Timberlake, then I would have said something. Done something. Just to clear the air. Or to see if maybe there was a chance. But I couldn't. It just wasn't possible.
It was a pleasant, though rather long drive to the place Justin wanted to go. We chatted a bit in the car, but we both seemed to spend a lot of time lost in our own thoughts.
It was about one when we finally stopped at a restaurant on the coast. It was a nice place and there was a beach you could go down to and walk on. It was kind of romantic. I didn't think we were going to get a whole lot of work done here. And we had a long drive back and I had to get to the airport to make my flight. How were we going to get any work done? This wasn't looking like a very good idea, but it was what Justin wanted to do, so I kept my mouth shut.
We went in and had lunch, and talked a little about movie ideas. Nothing more really than we'd talked about before. Justin was interested in some things, but kind of vague about the details, and when I tried to press him he'd make a joke or change the subject. It was frustrating.
Afterwards he wanted to walk along the beach. I said sure. He was paying for my time I figured, whatever made him happy.
In my mind I was starting to think out worst-case scenarios: I leave here with absolutely no idea what he wants...I spend months working on something he hates...I don't get paid. Well, on the bright side, at least I got to walk along the beach with him, right? That was worth several months of wasted effort.
It was actually not that great a day considering it was supposed to be springtime. The sky was overcast and trying to rain. We walked along and hadn't been saying much for a while when Justin stopped and turned and looked at me and I knew this was the moment. He wanted to tell me something, but I had no idea what. I felt my throat go dry and my heart almost stopped.
"Ethan," he began slowly, not looking at me, "there's something I have to tell you."
I waited but he didn't say anything and so I quietly said "Okay Justin."
Justin looked off in the distance as though thinking and then swallowed and looked at me with sad, almost pleading eyes.
"You're going to hate me," he said.
Oh. Now I was really wondering what it was he was going to tell me. Did he know I lusted over him? Was he interested in me? Or did he know I was interested in him and it was frightening him? Did he want me off the project? Was I being fired?