All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Thanks to the many readers who have responded to this story. Thanks to mattvt for reviewing and proofing parts of this story; all errors remain my fault!
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 29
Fame is such an odd thing. When you don't have it you think it would be great to have and wish for it. Yet those who do have it seem to spend a lot of time complaining about it. "I have no privacy", "I can't go anywhere," the stars complain.
Which just makes the rest of us hate them even more...and find it more intriguing.
Justin was, if anything, the exception. He seemed to take everything about stardom - the good and the bad - in stride. It was his life; it was what happened when he did the things he loved to do. He wasn't going to complain.
He'd talk about it. Talk about how frustrating it was at times. But he never meant to complain.
If he ever said anything negative, it was usually directed back at himself. If something upset him, it was his fault for not expecting and accepting it. It wasn't the fault of his celebrity.
On the other hand, I found it very hard to deal with. And I wasn't exposed to it the way he was. No one was yelling out my name, or running up to me all the time.
And you probably don't believe it, but it wasn't jealousy. I wasn't wishing I was the one everyone was chasing. The one making millions of dollars...
Yeah! Right!!
Okay, maybe there were a few times I wished I had the money. But I was comfortable with who, and what, I was. I had never imagined being a big star on stage. A few people asking me to sign a book at a book reading was about as much as I had imagined...and I already had that.
As long as I could pay the rent, I was happy.
What irritated me was that Justin's fame so much inhibited our relationship. We often hid out in my apartment because it was so hard to go out together.
When we did go out, either he was disguised, or we had security people with us. Often it was both. And we were both aware that we had to be careful when out. No public displays of affection except for friendly slaps on our backs, or quick, chaste, hugs.
It was a drag.
I tried to adjust, and perhaps because I was a bit of a homebody, I didn't find it completely disconcerting that we spent most of our time together in the apartment.
The place was starting to seem small and cramped though...
Justin started using the bedroom as his music room. He had a keyboard in there, a guitar, and some recording equipment. The dresser was moved to the hall. Whenever I complained, he would smile smugly and say 'Well we could always move to somewhere bigger.'
I never had a good answer to that one.
Every now and again we'd slip away together to do something as 'normal' people. Going out without security was always fun; though we had to be careful.
Once I actually persuaded him to go to the Statue of Liberty with me. He didn't want to do it, but I had it in my head that we had to go. I have to confess that I have always fantasized about the 'perfect relationship,' and for some reason I always saw myself up in the Statue of Liberty with 'the one.' So dragging Justin down there had become a bit of an obsession.
After spending a day at a golf course with him, hitting countless balls out of bunkers, and giving up keeping score, I got my reward. Yes, he'd go to the Statue of Liberty with me the next morning. I was ecstatic. Okay the weather wasn't good, and it was mid-week, but I reasoned that this would ensure there wouldn't be big crowds, and there was less chance he'd be recognized.
As a special bonus, he even decided not to bring security, opting for sunglasses and hood instead.
We cabbed it down to the park, and I bought the tickets while Justin remained inconspicuous. Then we got in line and onto the ferry going across to the island. It was only the second ferry of the morning, so I was hopeful the crowds wouldn't be too great.
The ferry wasn't packed, and we went and claimed a space on the top level at the back railing, looking back at the city as we sailed out.
Justin was watching the city and I was facing forward, my arm wrapped around his. We were trying to be together with out being too obvious. That was when I noticed them. A couple of young women looking at us and whispering to one another.
Shit! I thought to myself, tensing a little and casually moving my arm so that we were no longer interlinked. Then I eased myself a bit to the right so that we were further apart. Justin noticed my movement and looked at me. I held his gaze for a moment and then glanced forward. He nodded. He knew what that meant.
Fans.
And that meant we would have to deal with them.
It occurred to me that we had been very lucky so far. Fan incidents had been few and far between. The two girls at the pizza place had been typical of what happened, and each time we'd made it out without trouble.
This was going to be a little more complicated because we were stuck on a ferry. And we were going to an island. Damn! Justin had been right all along. We shouldn't have come!
I could just imagine the crap he was going to give me about this...assuming we got out in one piece.
But then I knew that if it got really ugly he'd never mention it; and I'd feel even worse.
While I was cursing my naivet^Î, the women had moved toward us tentatively. They looked at me and I smiled a 'yeah, I see you' kind of smile. I hadn't perfected a 'please leave me alone' smile yet.
The funny thing is that, over time, as I encounter more and more fans, they have started to merge together. Oh there are subtle differences, but people are people, and most people react in one of a few set ways. Some fans walk right up and ask Justin if he is Justin. Others walk up and ask me if he is Justin. Then there are others who just get in your face and demand an autograph or something without any pleasantries at all. Those are the ones I hate the most.
After a while, it gets so you can almost tell how the people will react just from looking at them for a second or too.
It's kind of freaky really.
The two women smiled, but didn't say anything, and Justin and I just stood there. Where were we going to go? I was thinking that if something bad happened we should make for the bridge of the ferry.
But nothing seemed to be happening. I was looking at them. Justin was still looking back at the New York skyline, and the two women were just standing there.
I was kind of waiting for Justin to turn around, but he didn't. I didn't know if he was waiting for them to address him, or hoping they'd ignore him.
"Excuse me," the cute blond said. "Are you Ethan Thompson?"
I nearly fell over. I heard Justin make a sound that could have been a giggle.
"Uh, yeah..." I said.
"Oh hi," the other one said, and suddenly she was talking; telling me how much she liked my last book and that her brother was a huge fan of mine and on and on. I just stood there nodding and making agreeing noises. I glanced over at the other woman, but it was clear that she didn't know me from nothing. She had just been the one that had the nerve to come up and talk to me.
I tried to be polite and say things to them. I wanted to be the polite author. 'What do I say' I kept wondering.
It wasn't any easier that Justin was almost in hysterics beside me. He kept quietly giggling to himself.
The woman asked for my autograph - I signed her notebook - and then her friend took a picture of me with her, and then they switched and took another picture. Then they said how nice it was to meet me, and that they looked forward to my next book. I said to watch my website for news, and they walked off reluctantly.
I stood there, a goofy smile on my face because, really, it was kind of flattering. Justin turned towards me and leaned down and laughed like a hyena. Clutching at me as he laughed.
"All right, all right," I said dismissively.
"That was sooo great!" he said, taking off his sunglasses to wipe his eyes.
"Careful" I said. The women were looking back at us, clearly noticing that Justin, whoever he was, was with me. Justin straightened up and tried to stop laughing. But every now and again he'd snort in strangled hysterics.
We got off the Ferry and walked along to the statue. There was already a line extending outside the base and down the central pathway leading to the statue. We joined the end of the line, which seemed to be moving slowly, but it was moving. Justin stood beside me, trying to appear inconspicuous.
And we waited.
Chatting about this and that. The line moving oh so slowly. Justin seemed impatient, though he was trying to appear unconcerned. I noticed a young boy and girl next to us kept looking at him and whispering to each other.
A few minutes later I noticed that we were getting a looks from the people in the line behind us. It was going down the line like a chain letter. A couple of people would be talking to one another animatedly and the person behind would lean forward and say something to them. The people in front would point at Justin and say something to the person behind. The person behind would cast us a suspicious glance and then an 'oh' expression would appear on their faces and they'd turn to the person next to them and the cycle would be repeated.
"Don't look now," I whispered, "but the people behind us are talking about someone, and I don't think it's me."
Justin smiled tensely at me and nodded, but didn't say anything, or look back either. Instead, he suddenly stepped out of line as a couple of Park Rangers were walking past. I watched as he pulled off his cap and sunglasses and went up to them and asked them a question about how long it took to get up to the statue.
The first ranger, an older man, started giving Justin an answer, but the second one, a younger woman, obviously recognized Justin.
I partly overheard the conversation while trying to appear disinterested. I was wondering what the crowd was thinking, and I wanted to be part of the crowd, not the object of its attention. I suddenly realized that Justin was waving me over.
A little nervously I walked towards them and the younger woman smiled and led the two of us back to the Statue. I guess fame does have some perks.
We were escorted into the Statue and we joined the line right at the front, with the Park Ranger giving us the full tour.
I'd forgotten how small and claustrophobic the interior of the Statue is. It's like climbing up the interior of a submarine that's been stuck on its nose. I had done it once when I was a kid, but it seemed a lot smaller now. I had always meant to do it again when I moved to New York, but never got around to it.
Fortunately, though the people around us seemed to notice that something was up, because everyone's kind of snaking through a long set of ladders and tubing, they couldn't really converge on us.
We got to the top of the Statue and took a few minutes looking out and it was just great! It was so exhilarating to have gotten to the top and see out after all of the climbing. I wanted to hug Justin, but there were other people there so we couldn't do that. The Park Ranger very kindly offered to take a picture of the two of us, and we could put our arms around one another for a few seconds and that was good enough.
The picture wasn't nearly as nice as the one at the Lincoln Memorial, but it was pretty good.
Justin chatted with some of the other people briefly, including an older couple who I think had no idea who he was. But they were drawn into it all by the interest of the other people. Several took pictures with Justin, and even the Park Ranger pulled out a little disposable camera she had and I took a picture of her with Justin. Then she led us down and out of the statue and we managed to get out into the crowd milling around the island without being noticed.
But I figured our luck wouldn't hold, so we grabbed the next ferry back. It was kind of a drag to go so quickly because it had turned into a nice day. It would have been great to have spent a bit of time just hanging out there.
Thanksgiving Justin spent with his family and I spent with mine. I guess I'd kind of hoped we'd spend it at my parents place, but that just didn't happen. Justin was invited, but decided he had to be with his family. And me going to his family was out of the question.
Of course, as soon as you get past Thanksgiving, the next thing to get through is Christmas. That was shaping up to be just as much of a mess, as Justin wanted to spend it with his family and little brothers. So I was going to get screwed again.
In the true spirit of Christmas, Justin and I spent a fair amount of time arguing with one another and getting angry at one another. It's a holiday thing.
Justin had to be in LA for a taping of the Tonight Show. Then he was planning on flying to his family a couple of days before Christmas. The day after Christmas he was going to come up to my parents place, and then he was flying out two days later to go down to Florida to do rehearsals as he was going to appear at a New Years Day event at DisneyWorld.
"What's got you in a funk?" Abby asked.
We were sitting in a small restaurant drinking coffee. It was a quick afternoon get together. Abby, Tony and I would be getting together a few days before Christmas to exchange gifts, so Abby and I were just taking a respite from the shopping excesses.
"Nothing," I said, wistfully.
"Uh huh," she said.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing," she said. "So what are you going to get Justin for Christmas?"
I shrugged. "I have no idea. What do you get someone who can buy himself anything? Who has everything he wants?"
She rolled her eyes. "You get him something from you, dummy. He can't go out and buy that from a store!"
"Thank you for the reading from Oprah's book of the month club," I joked.
"You're really snotty when you're in a mood, you know that?"
"What?"
"Lighten up!" she laughed. "Christmas is supposed to be a time of good cheer, not whining and complaining. I get enough of that from Tony's mother."
"Sorry," I apologized. "God, please don't lump me in with the in- laws!"
"Then snap out of it!"
"Okay."
"So what's annoying you?" she asked.
"Justin."
"I knew that," she smiled, stirring sugar into her second cup of coffee.
I shot her a look.
"What did Mr. Heartbreak do this time?" she smiled sweetly.
"Oh he's, Christmas is just a mess," I said, and then I explained it all to her. When I finished she sat there for a moment, seemingly digesting it all.
"So?" she said, seemingly unconcerned.
"So what?" I asked.
"So everything's not going to work out the way you want? Grow up!"
"Grow up?!" I spluttered.
"Well look at it from Justin's point of view," she said calmly. "He's got his job, and he's got his family, and he's got his boyfriend, who he seems to be going out of his way to try and cater too, and all you're doing is giving him grief."
"I'm not giving him grief!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Why are you on his side?" I whined. It wasn't fair! Abby was my friend! She should take my side when it came to boyfriend issues.
"I'm not on his side," Abby calmly corrected. "I'm on your side. I just want to point out to you that when you're with someone the idea is...well you know, it's the two of you against the world, not each for his own and I'll be there for you if my calendar's open."
"Well," I huffed, thinking about what she had said. "He just plugged me in..."
"He's got, what, business before and after and then he's got his family and he's going out of his way to fly up to be with you...yes I know it's not on Christmas...but he's still doing it and what...you're giving him crap about it."
"That's just..." I protested.
"I mean what are you doing to make it work?" she interrupted.
I sat there feeling just a little angry. Why was I getting the blame when it was Justin's fault?
"So?" Abby asked me sweetly.
"What?"
"Now's the time where you tell me to mind my own business and we change the subject awkwardly."
I shrugged.
"I sometimes wish Justin was just a normal person," I said. "It's bad enough having to deal with his Mother...you know she would be enough to kill most average relationships," and I laughed a little. I thought about the other night when Justin had excitedly shown me the plane reservations for the trip up to New York and all I'd said was 'you get in what day?' I'd seen the smile fall. I'd seen how hurt he'd been.
I knew he wanted to spend Christmas with me but I had figured he didn't want it bad enough.
"Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when other people are right?" I said.
"Did I ever tell you how much I like being right?"
I walked into the bedroom. Justin was sitting at the keyboard, pressing the keys. He had headphones on so there was no sound other than the movement of the keys as his fingers pressed them. A kind of quiet thump, thump noise. I stood there watching him. I didn't want to interrupt while he was doing something. He might be recording it. I waited until he stopped and started fiddling with something beside the keyboard and I walked up to him, approaching from the side so he'd see me out of the corner of his eye and not suddenly be shocked by my touching him.
He turned slightly toward me and smiled a small smile. I went up to him and stood behind him, leaning down and putting my arms around him and hugging him and then kissing his head. He half- heartedly tried to push me away, but I squeezed him tightly and then reached up with one hand and pulled off the headphones.
"I'm working," he said, mildly irritated.
"Can I just have a couple of minutes?" I asked him.
He sat still for a second, and then nodded slowly. "Okay," he said.
I hugged him tightly and started kissing him again. Kissing his ear and then moving around to kiss his cheek. Running my hands down his chest, one hand reached his belt and my fingers sliding down the front of his pants.
"Hey!" he said, "you said just a couple of minutes."
"That's all you'll take," I said jokingly, nibbling on his ear.
"Funny," he growled.
"I didn't want to do that anyway," I said, straightening up a little and putting my arms under his shoulders to try and pull him up. He reluctantly stood up.
"So what did you want?" he said.
"I wanted to talk about Christmas," I said.
"Oh," he said. His tone was cold...a little exasperated.
"I just want to make sure..."
"I told you..." he began. He was already getting defensive.
"Shh...," I said, kissing him softly. "Can I just say something first?"
"Okay."
"I just want to make sure that the current plan is the best one for all concerned..."
"Well I..." he interrupted.
I gave him a look to let him know I still hadn't finished and he bit his lower lip.
"I was just thinking that you're getting the shaft on this having to do all the traveling," I went on.
"What?"
"Well you fly off to LA, then you fly to your parents, then up to New York to be with me, then down to Disney World."
"So?"
"Well maybe it would be less stress on you if you just went from your folks place to Disney World? Skip New York. It's too much."
He looked at me, seemingly confused. "You don't want me to..."
"It's not that I don't want you to...what I thought was..." and I looked at Justin and his eyes were suddenly watery.
"Ethan...I...don't do this..." he looked upset.
"Wait! Justin, you've got it all wrong! I'm not mad or telling you to go away, what I thought was, why don't I come down to Disney World? Then you'd come down there and we could have our Christmas there. That way we share the traveling and it's not all on you."
Justin was sniffing and wiping his eyes.
"You fly down to Disney World?" he said quietly.
"Yeah, you okay?" I said and I pulled him into a hug and he finally smiled again.
"Yeah...yeah...I just thought..."
"I'm sorry, I didn't present that right. So what do you think? I thought that might be better for you."
"I don't mind flying..." he said quietly.
"You hate flying!" I laughed, and he laughed a little too. "And you do all the work...I don't want to wear you out before the New Year is even here."
"Huh," he snorted. He hugged me tightly, and we talked a little more about it, standing there holding each other. Talked about the options. I tried really hard to be positive and work on it together, rather than expect Justin to solve all the problems caused by his career and family. After all, we were in this together. I had to keep reminding myself of that.
"But I won't get to see your family," he said finally.
"Well..." I thought. "Maybe they could come down too?"
"That's nuts!"
"It's just an idea," I said.
He nodded, looking glum.
"If only you could prerecord the New Year show or they'd bring the cameras to you," I said wistfully. Not that it would make a huge difference, but it would cut down on some traveling.
"Ahh..." said Justin. "Hang on!" and he suddenly ran over and grabbed his cell phone. He held up a finger at me as though to say he'd be back in a minute, and disappeared out into the living room. I heard him talking, but I didn't listen. He obviously didn't want me to hear, and I didn't want to eavesdrop.
But after ten minutes I was getting restless. Should I stay in the bedroom? Finally I went out. Justin was standing in the middle of the room and he looked up and mouthed 'sorry' to me. I shrugged as he disappeared into the bedroom, closing the door behind me.
I sat down and tried to find something on TV. I was half watching an episode of Colombo on A&E when Justin burst through the bedroom door, ran over and bounced onto the couch next to me. He hugged me tightly.
"Hey baby," I said, half wanting to brush him off because I'd just got interested in the show.
"So I fixed it," he gushed.
"What?" I asked, giving up and turning off the TV.
"Oh, were you watching that?" Justin asked.
"It's okay. What'd you fix?"
He looked at me with a huge smile on his face. "I'm not playing in DisneyWorld," he said.
"You're not!" I almost gasped. Shit! That's not what I wanted. The last thing I wanted was him canceling things because of me.
"Yeah!," he laughed, "I'm gonna be in New York instead!"
"You are?"
"Yeah, Times Square!"
"That's great!" I said, hugging him tight. That would mean a lot less pressure on him and on us. I smiled to myself. Maybe we did work better if we worked on things together.
I wonder if I should tell Abby?
So that 'solved' things. Or at least improved them a bit. Justin was happy and I was feeling better because we'd spend New Years together.
The down side was that I still didn't have my snuggle bunny with me on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
When it finally rolled around I tired to be happy. It was a great family event. Cousins and Aunts and Uncles and all that sort of thing. Presents. Justin and I bought Simon a new amp for his guitar, I gave my sister a water color I thought she'd like and some CDs and a new wheel barrow for Mom and golf shoes for Dad. Who gives people Golf Shoes? But Dad wanted them, and Justin actually went and bought them, so what did I care?!
I spoke to Justin on Christmas Eve and first thing Christmas morning, and it almost felt like he was there.
By early evening I was feeling tired. I wondered how Justin must be feeling as he'd had to do so much traveling. And he was supposed to fly up tomorrow morning. I wondered if I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. I tried to get excited about it, but I guess I was just so exhausted.
I knew I'd feel better about it tomorrow. I was just in a bit of a funk.
I wondered if Justin was going to call, or if I should call him. I didn't like to call him at his Mothers. I didn't know where he might be when I called, and it might cause an awkward moment for him.
My Mother out in the kitchen and the rest of us were in the family room. For some reason, I decided to get a drink. I walked up the hallway towards the kitchen, and in the half light of the entranceway I could see my Mother hugging someone. She pulled away from them and I saw Justin standing there. He glanced down the hall and the grin on his face got even wider. He held up his arms to me and I walked up to him and grabbed him tightly.
"Hey baby," he whispered.
"What are you doing here?" I said, I think I was in shock.
"I wanted to surprise you," he said, kissing me. "Merry Christmas!"
And it was.
And Mom even let us sleep together in the guestroom. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference.
------------------------------- To be continued...
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Birthday Blues