All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 20
C'mon, C'mon, C'mon
Break my heart again...
For old time's sake
What did it matter knowing why he'd dumped me? Even if he was here right now, and I asked him why, he wouldn't tell me the truth. How many people told the truth when they dumped someone? They always sugar coated it or presented it in a way that made them feel better.
I went and lay down on my bed and cried for a while. When I woke up it was late. Probably too late to call. I picked up the phone and hit the speed dial.
"Hello?...Hello?"
"Mom."
"Ethan?"
"He dumped me," I said quietly into the phone.
There was a pause. Then quietly, "Oh honey, I'm sorry."
"Okay," I said, gulping and trying not to cry harder.
"Are you...are you going to be okay?"
"No," I sobbed.
"Do you want to come home?" she asked.
"No...I don't know...I."
"Honey...I'm sorry...we all love you...it's going to be okay...you just have to get through the pain at first."
"I know...it just hurts so much."
"I'm sorry sweetie. We're here if you want to come up for a couple of days."
"I don't know why!" I cried.
"Why?"
"He just left and then he didn't call and then I sent him an email asking why he wasn't returning my calls or anything. And he just sent me back a message saying I should do whatever makes me happy."
There was a pause, then my Mother spoke quietly, "Maybe he's just busy and misunderstood your message?"
"I asked him what to do about his clothes and he said to throw them away."
"Oh..."
There was silence.
"Is there something I can do?" she asked.
"No...I'll be okay," I said sniffing.
"Maybe you should go out and do something...have some fun?"
"I can't!"
"Okay sweetheart. You're going to be okay...everything will be okay."
"No it won't! He's gone!" I yelled almost irrationally. I was angry and I was taking it out on my Mother.
"Sweetheart...you'll get past this...just give it some time."
"I know...I'm sorry."
I sat there cursing my miserable existence.
"Why don't you come up?" Mom asked.
It was tempting. Just get away form it all. But then, what would I do there? And I'd have to come back at some point and it would just be harder. If I went home I might hide out there for weeks.
"No...I'll be okay."
"Okay," she said and we sat there in silence for a moment or two as I wiped my eyes and tried to stop crying.
"I'm a big loser," I said, half laughing, half crying.
"No you're not...maybe this is all for the better..."
"I thought he was the one!"
"I know honey...you're going to be okay. Losing someone you love is just about the hardest thing anyone has to go through."
"I'll be okay," I said, trying to sound convincing.
"I know."
There was another pause.
"So what's happening up there?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Oh nothing much. We're busy planning your brother's birthday. You haven't forgotten it?" It was in a few weeks. I hadn't forgotten it, though I wasn't thinking much about it the last couple of days.
"No...I just haven't figured out what to get the little runt," I said jokingly.
"Well I'm sure he has lots of ideas, or if you want to surprise him I could probably come up with some suggestions."
"Okay, I'll think about it."
There was a pause, and then Mom said. "You know it would mean a lot to him if you just called to talk to him."
"What?" was she talking about Justin?
"Just call up and talk to him, a phone call just for him. It would mean a lot. He was so happy after you were here and he's missed you terribly since then and I think he kind of thought you'd drop him an email or something."
Simon. We were talking about Simon. Shit! All I had in my head was Justin. How was I going to get him out?
"I'm sorry, I'll try to remember. I don't mean to ignore him, I've just, the last week has been a roller coaster."
"I know dear. You've done nothing wrong. I'm just giving you a little hint. That's what busy-body mothers do you know."
"Okay."
"Now, are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay," I said, trying to convince myself.
"Well you get some rest, and remember to eat something. And call us if you need anything. And you can come home any time. You don't even need to call to ask. Just come on up. If we're not here, you know where the key is."
"Yes Mom."
"I love you Ethan."
"I love you."
I went back to sleep. The next day I was kind of in a daze. I watched some television. Took a nap. Watched some more television. Tried to do some work, but I couldn't concentrate.
For dinner I microwaved a frozen dinner that had been in the back of my fridge for months. I couldn't remember when I bought it. I wasn't sure if it could go off.
I felt like talking to someone. I didn't know who. I picked up the phone and hit the speed dial. The phone rang three times and a voice came on and said rather suspiciously. "Hello?"
"Is that the runt?"
"Ethan?" the voice replied, high and excited.
"What are you up to runt?"
"Hey, I'm not a runt!" Simon pretended to sound angry, though I could tell he was half laughing.
"Yeah you are, always have been, always will be."
"I'm gonna wipe the floor with you next time you're here."
"Oh you are, are you?" I said, trying to sound menacing, but not doing a good job of it.
"Yeah."
"So how are things at school?" I asked.
"Okay. Same old drag." He paused, "how are you? Are you okay?"
"I'm...did Mom tell you?" Simon rarely enquired how I was. He'd just ask me how things were.
"Ye...no...she didn't say anything," he said quickly.
"You are such a bad liar!"
"I'm sorry man. He's a jerk...I knew it when I met him...I'm gonna tell all my friends."
"Don't Simon...it's no one's business okay? Don't tell anyone, like you promised."
Simon grunted. "Okay...I don't know why you want to protect that shit."
"Things are complicated Simon. I made a promise and even if he's going to be a jerk I'm going to keep it. I expect you to do the same. Okay?"
"Oh...Alright."
"Thank you."
"So you want to talk to Mom?" he asked.
"No...I called to talk to you. Though you can tell her I'm doing better, alright?"
"Sure."
"So what do you want for your birthday?" I said, trying to change the subject and sound brighter too.
"Oh...nothing much..."
"I'll believe that when it happens! So what do you want from your favorite brother?"
"Well..." he paused, then spoke nervously "if it's okay, could you just give me money?"
"You want money? Why?"
"I'm saving up for something..."
"Oh...this thing expensive then?"
"Yeah."
"Mom and Dad not going to get it for your birthday then?"
"I wish! Mom says I don't need it and Dad says it's way too much and I have to learn to save for things, yada yada, and Annie says she won't give me money 'cause there's nothing personal about money."
"So what is this thing?"
"It's an electric guitar," he said, the love or awe in his voice evident.
"You have one!" I laughed.
"Yeah...but this one's sweet!" and he spent the next ten minutes describing the awesome guitar he'd fallen in love with, and how if he just had that guitar he would be such a better player. I didn't try to dispel this notion, and promised that I would give serious consideration to his request for money, though I told him if I gave him cash it would just be enough to buy a set of strings for it.
We chatted a bit longer about things and then I finally said good- bye.
I got an email a couple of hours later from Mom saying that all Simon talked about at dinner was the phone call from me. And that she was glad to hear that I was doing okay. And she'd talk to me tomorrow.
I was just about to turn off the computer when the New Mail message appeared and I closed the current message and saw I had received an email from Lance. I wondered what on earth he could want.
From: Lance
Subject: Hi
Ethan,
I'm sorry I wasn't very helpful last week. I really didn't know
what to do and so I thought it was best not to get involved. I'd
really like to help though. Call me.
Lance
I reread the message a couple of times but didn't know what to do. Well, he wanted me to call him. So why not?
I picked up the phone and dialed. It rang twice and Lance picked up and said "Hello?"
"Lance, Hi! This is Ethan," I said putting on my cheeriest and most casual sounding voice.
"Hi Ethan, thanks for calling."
"No problem," I said.
There was a pause, and I thought he'd say something, but he didn't.
"So what did you want to talk about?" I said breaking the silence.
"Uh...well Ethan, I'm kind of sticking my nose in Justin's business here and I'm not sure I should..."
"Okay." Then don't, I thought to myself. Don't call me to tell me you can't fucking help. That's what I thought, but I bit back the urge to say it.
"...But he's being pig headed and I'm getting sick of it."
"I'm not sure I follow you."
"Ethan, I know you two were...uh...involved."
"Okay," there was another long pause. "So then I assume this has something to do with us breaking up?" I said, "Do you know why he broke up with me?"
"Yeah...well look I can't betray him be telling you stuff he made me promise not to tell you."
"Oh."
"But listen, he's going to be in New York this weekend with Joey, and the two of us, Joey and I, we want to bring you two together because we think you can work things out."
"Work things out?"
"I'm sure of it."
"Lance I can't...I don't even know what's going on! I have no idea why he dumped me...he just stopped returning my calls."
"I know..."
"I've been going crazy trying to figure out if I did something wrong, or did he find someone else or...I don't know. Can't you tell me something?"
"I can't," Lance apologized. "I shouldn't even be doing this, but I want to try and help. So how about it?"
"How about what?"
"We thought maybe you could show up at the restaurant where they are having lunch..."
"No Lance, I don't want to see him. He's a...I don't know what happened...if I did something, or if I didn't or he met someone or what...but he's the jerk here and I'm not going out of my way to find him." Finally I got that off my chest! It felt good to say that, even if it wasn't to Justin.
"I'm sorry," soothed Lance. "Look, Justin is...you know he comes across as being very confident, and the way he maintains that is by...well if something doesn't work out right or go his way he just blocks it off and acts like it never happened."
"The Bill Clinton of the music industry huh?"
"Uh...I'm not sure..."
"Nothing...go on..."
"Well on top of that he can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch once he's made up his mind."
"Lance, is there a point here? Are you trying to tell me something?"
"No...I'm just trying to explain Justin's behavior."
"Well thanks. That's very helpful. But it's not really telling me why he's treating me like Monica Lewinsky. I have no soiled clothing."
There was a long pause.
"Are you always like this?" Lance asked. There was humor in the question but I still took offense.
"Fuck it Lance. I've been through enough here."
"Okay, okay. Sorry. This isn't going the way I planned. I'm sorry. Forget everything I've said. Let's start again. I wondered if you'd come and have lunch with Justin and see if you two can patch things up."
"Why Lance? Why are you doing this for me?"
"Uh..." Lance seemed suddenly unsure. "Well I don't want you to get the wrong idea. You seem like a nice guy and all, but I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Justin. He's been heartsick the last week. Really miserable. And I kind of get the feeling you have been too."
"Well that was his decision."
"Give him another chance," prompted Lance.
"Can't you tell me anything?"
"No. Just come to lunch."
"Just show up?" I asked. I was weakening. "He's not going to think that's odd?"
"Well it doesn't matter at that point. It's just getting to that point. We figure neutral territory is better than, say the hotel, and the rest of the time they are at meetings and interviews so you can't really turn up there. That kind of left lunch."
"I don't know."
"Think about it and let me know."
"Okay."
I was a block from the restaurant and it was about the time they were supposed to arrive. I didn't know if I had the nerve to go. What would happen when I saw him? How would I feel? What would he do?
I was standing there almost talking to myself. Should I turn around and go home or got through with it? It was getting too crazy. I twice thought about turning around and going home. The third time I was just about to go when I saw a large SUV pull up in front of the restaurant and the doors opened and I recognized Joey jumping out, and if I wasn't mistaken he was looking around as though trying to find someone.
'Well here goes nothing' I said to myself, and started walking down the block towards them.
As I walked down the street, I watched as three other men jumped out, and then I saw Justin get out, wearing sunglasses and a cap. He stood by the car and Joey was saying something to him. Joey's eyes scanned around and fell upon me and a small smile came to his lips. He continued to stare at me and Justin finally noticed that Joey was looking at something and he looked in my direction. I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew when he saw me. His body seemed to go rigid.
I kept walking down the street towards them. Joey moved away from Justin, and towards me.
"Hey Ethan!" he called, "How are you doing?"
I took his hand and said "Hi Joey!"
Joey turned to Justin, who was still standing on the street, staring.
"Hey Justin, it's Ethan man!"
Justin just nodded.
"Hi Justin" I said quietly, my stomach turning somersaults.
He didn't say anything. I looked back at Joey. Joey looked at Justin, and then he looked back to me.
"Hey, we were just about to have lunch," said Joey. "You doing anything? Want to join us?"
"Uh," I looked at Justin. He hadn't moved, but he had a scowl on his face that definitely said the last thing he wanted was for me to join them for lunch.
"Thanks Joey," I said, looking away from Justin. "Maybe some other time."
"Oh come on!" Joey said looking at me. He glanced back at Justin and then back to me, his smile getting a little tight as he realized this wasn't going to be as smooth as he had planned.
I looked at Justin and saw the cold expression, and I really didn't need to know any more. Lance and Joey's idea, however well intentioned, had been completely wrong. Justin had no desire to see me. There wasn't going to be any reconciliation. It didn't look as though we'd ever speak again.
"It was good to see you Joey," I said, "take care of yourself Justin," and I turned and walked off as quickly as I could without breaking into a run.
I'd gone about half a block when I heard someone calling my name.
"Ethan! Ethan! Wait up!"
I stopped and turned, and Joey was running up to me, one of the security guys following behind him. Justin was standing back by the front of the restaurant. Watching us.
"Hey!" Joey said pulling up to me.
"I'm not coming Joey, this was a bad idea," I said. "It's best we all move on."
"No wait, look Justin wants to talk to you."
I fixed him with an 'oh yeah?' expression and Joey shrugged.
"He does...look, can you come over to the hotel this evening? It would be better to talk there."
"Uh...I think it'd be better if..."
"Great. I'm not taking no for an answer! So here," and he took out a piece of paper and scribbled down a room number. "Here's the room number, and password. This will get you up there. Be there at 10, okay? I'm serious! You're gonna come? Right? I'll come looking for you if you don't!"
"Well..." I looked back at Justin, who was staring in our direction. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't seem to be scowling either. Though it was hard to tell at this distance. Well I guess he knew what was going on, this wasn't just a Joey and Lance plot any more. Justin must be okay with it.
"Okay," I said finally.
I spent the rest of the afternoon regretting that I'd ever agreed to do this. I was a bundle of nerves. The morning had been bad enough, all that time waiting for lunchtime and getting up my nerve to go. Here I was doing it all over again. Shit! I should never have gone to lunch. Should never have agreed to go to the hotel.
But I knew I was going to go.
If nothing else, I wanted to know why.
I got there just after 10 and had no trouble getting up to their floor. A security guy was stationed outside the elevator and he even found me on a list of people allowed up. But Justin and Joey weren't back yet, so I was asked to take a seat and wait in the hallway.
I picked out a magazine and started reading. At 10:30 the guard got a call. "Hey," he called to me, "just got a message for you. They've been held up, but should be here in quarter of an hour."
"Oh, thanks" I said.
At 11:15 I was getting impatient. I kept looking at my watch. I was annoyed and starting to get angry. Why was I sitting here? What was I waiting for anyway?
I had the distinct impression it was so that Justin could officially dump me. I knew from bitter experience that some people had to rub your face in it when they dumped you. They had to pull you apart and destroy the relationship so that they could be sure it was dead and gone. That it had never really existed.
Why is breaking up so hard to do?
Didn't someone write that in a song once?
By 11:30 I was convinced this was all part of Justin's plan to humiliate me. Tell me to come up at 10 and then not turn up for hours. See just how desperate I was. Would I sit there for one hour? Two? Three? Oh God, what a loser I am. How could I let him manipulate me like this?
I got up and put down the magazine. The guard looked up at me, mildly curious.
"I'm going to go," I said, because that's what I was going to do, and I didn't know what else to say.
"Do you want to leave them a note or something?" he asked me.
"Ahh...yeah...sure."
He handed me a pad and a pen and I stood there trying to figure out what to write. Then I wrote:
Justin,
Sorry but I couldn't wait any longer. It's probably for the best.
I just wanted to wish you every happiness for the future.
Ethan.
I reread it and hated it, but I wasn't going to spend half an hour revising it with the guard watching me. On impulse, an attempt to maintain some dignity I added. 'P.S. don't bother calling me,' then I folded it up, wrote Justin on the side and handed it to him.
"You can slide it under the door if you want," he said, so I went and did just that, then I went past him, nodding to him as I went.
"Good night" he called, and I said the same back to him.
In the elevator I nearly came apart, but I held it together. For a moment I was panicking that they'd be there when the elevator door opened, or I'd run into them in the lobby. But I didn't.
I decided to walk.
Really, I was okay with this. I'd already cried all the tears when he'd first dumped me. There were no more tears to cry over him.
So I walked.
I pulled out my iPod and slipped on the earphones, skipping to 'Black' by Pearl Jam.
I often play music that reflects my mood. Maybe that's not a good thing. Maybe when you're feeling dark you should play happy music.
But I can never do that.
And I like this song. It's written for a girl, but it so reflects how I feel. The song ends and I rewind it to 3:30, and listen to the last half of the song again.
I know some day you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be the sun
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be mine?
And then the song just wails as Eddie Vedder screams away in pain. And I'm wailing too. Just kind of crying to myself.
"Uh huh"
"Ahh yeah"
I was walking quickly. Not quite running. I just wanted to get home.
"ahhh ehh uh huh!" Eddie Vedder screams, and I know that
feeling.
Past the buildings Past the people walking home from the theaters
"Ahh"
Lost in the music. A group of people milling around me. Just trying to get past them.
"Uh huh"
Keep walking. Get home.
"Yeeeeah!" Eddie screams in my ears.
I stop at a light. Listening to the music. The light changes. I start to walk.
"Yeeeeah!" screams Eddie.
I didn't see the car. I didn't even hear the car horn, I had the music on so loud.
I just stepped onto the street.
------------------------------- To be continued...
------------------------------- C'mon C'mon by Sheryl Crow Black by Vedder & Gossard All lyrics are the property and copyright of their owners
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Boy Bands: Birthday Blues