All the Ways I love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 2
Disneyland was fun, if a little hectic. Justin explained on the way that he usually traveled with security when out in public places, but he was going to risk this in disguise.
"We just have to be ready to run," he advised me.
I didn't really see what he was worried about. I mean, so what if a few people were to ask for his autograph? But I just nodded, figuring whatever made him comfortable was okay with me.
There was a lot of time to fill in while waiting in line between rides and we spent much of it talking. But we didn't talk much about the movie project. Instead we talked about movies we liked or didn't like. About music. About food. About things we liked to do. He talked a bit about his experience making movies, though I think he didn't like to talk about that, or about making music, in case someone overheard and figured out who he was.
He kept his cap on, hood up, and sunglasses on the entire time, and we moved quickly about the place. When we were in lines he'd position himself so that as few people as possible could see his face. Which usually meant standing close to me. Looking at me. That was kind of good as I got to study his face a lot; though I couldn't really see his eyes.
We had quickly become comfortable with one another. Or maybe riding roller coasters with someone, your adrenaline pumping, having a great time, you can't help but feel good. And when you turn and see them laughing almost hysterically, you feel like they're having a good time too. And if someone's having a good time with you, they must like you right?
At one point we were waiting on line and he took off his glasses to rub his eye. When he finished he looked up at me, and our eyes met for an awkward moment. He said nothing and I said nothing, I was just studying his eyes. And then the line moved and he put his glasses back on and I moved and he asked me whether I liked "Lord of the Rings."
After that I couldn't help but notice how close Justin would stand next to me. It made me feel a little awkward at first, but when I moved away he would follow me. I tried to put it out of my mind. By the end of the day I was starting to like it. We'd move down the line, standing really close to each other, and I'd turn or he'd move and we'd bump or rub against each other. I enjoyed it more than some of the rides.
I did wonder what other people must have thought of us. We seemed just a little too...close. I tried not to think about what Justin was thinking. He was just naturally touchy-feely I told myself.
After we'd finished at Disneyland it was dinnertime, and Justin insisted on taking me to another expensive restaurant and ordering the most expensive items on the menu. I don't think he was doing it to impress me or show off, it just kind of happened. I didn't see the final bill; I didn't want to know what it was.
Because by this time I was flying. I don't think I could have gotten any higher with the help of artificial stimulants. We just seemed to click. Justin was so much fun, and so funny. I didn't stop to analyze it. I was just having too much fun talking and joking and playing around. I'd even forgotten about the fact that I'd just been hired to write a movie script.
This was so much more than I ever imagined. When I had been told about the project I'd thought that there was a chance I might meet Justin. Yeah, I wasn't a huge fan. I had never followed NSYNC. But I knew who they were.
Before flying out I'd bought his album and listened to it. It was okay. The song 'Cry Me A River' isn't too bad. I played the disc a few times while writing, and it didn't annoy the hell out of me. So one good song on an album that didn't really annoy me was something, right?
Do I sound like an intellectual snob? Maybe I am. But I spend enough time soaking in the waters of popular culture to be impressed when meeting someone like him.
And now I'd spent most of the day with him! Gone to Disneyland! Had him almost hanging on to me! I'd started to think of him not as some pop culture icon, but as a person. A really hot looking person with a wonderful smile. A person I'd like to spend more time with, if he was just a person.
But he wasn't.
I'd close my eyes and tell myself that he wasn't just a person. He was really an alien from a different world. A world I would never be a part of.
But then I'd open my eyes and there would be that beautiful person, sitting right in front of me.
Somehow I knew it had to end. The fairy godmother was going to turn everything back into a pumpkin. I knew it was coming. It had to come. I just didn't know when, and by the end of dinner I was getting nervous. I kept expecting him to suddenly say 'Bye! it was fun!' It was making it harder to enjoy myself.
But the moment never seemed to come.
After dinner, Justin drove me back to my hotel, a nice budget place that Justin obviously didn't think much of.
"We put you in here?" he asked disbelievingly as he walked with me up to my room. I'd thought he'd just drop me off but he'd parked and followed me in after suggesting we 'hang out.'
"My agent arranged it," I said trying not to sound defensive. The place was perfectly okay with me. The room was clean, the bed was comfortable, and it had been easy to get from here to the record company building. What more did I need?
"We're not paying for it?" he asked casually.
I stopped at the door and unlocked it, thinking about the question. "I guess you are, you're paying expenses on this trip."
"You could have stayed at a much nicer place."
"Well...you bought me a really nice lunch and dinner, so I'm still ahead on the deal."
"Yeah!" he grinned at me. By now we were inside the room and we stood there for a second, enveloped in an uneasy silence. "So," he finally said, "I thought maybe tomorrow we could hang out some more..." he looked at me with a look of hopefulness, as though there was a chance I wouldn't want to spend more time with him.
"That'd be great," I said, trying to sound enthusiastic without being too excited. He'd been charming the hell out of me and now, here we were in a bedroom, standing very close to one another. I was sure it was all in my imagination, but there was a certain tension in the air and I was trying very hard to ignore it.
"Anything particular you have going on?" I asked.
"No, it's pretty much a free day for me," he said.
"Lucky you," I teased.
"Well it's free because we're supposed to be working on this project."
"Oh, right," I nodded. "I guess we should think about that!"
"So what would you like to do tomorrow?" he asked, changing the subject.
"I don't know," I shrugged, "what do you like to do for fun?"
Justin grinned a little sheepishly, "Ah, I like to play golf" he said and looked away nervously.
"Well I'm not very good at that," I said and he looked back and gave me an understanding nod as though he figured I wouldn't be interested. "But..." I went on, "is there a golf range or something we could go to? Just hitting balls might be fun."
His whole face lit up, "Really?" he asked.
"Sure. It'd be fun."
"Great, we can do it in the morning, I'll pick you up around 10, okay?"
"Yeah."
He turned as though he had decided to go, but then started talking again. "And tomorrow night we'll go out clubbing."
"Clubbing?" I asked hesitantly. It wasn't something I did a lot of, and I hadn't expected to do anything like that on this trip.
"Yeah...you got clothes?"
"I'm wearing clothes," I said.
"No..." he paused looking at me as though thinking, "clothes...something nice."
"Thanks!"
Justin smirked at me then turned and I realized he was walking towards my bag.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm going to check out your gear. You're not coming out with me looking like crap!"
I chased after him and barged him aside before he could open my bag. "I'll get that," I said. There was nothing in there that wasn't PG-rated, but at the same time I didn't really want him poking through my clothes and underwear.
He backed up a little with his hands up.
"Okay, okay," he said, and I shot him a look before opening the bag and thinking for a minute.
I really didn't have anything that looked that good. Hanging in the closet was a suit, which I'd brought because I hadn't been sure whether to go casual or business to the interview. The semi-casual clothes I was wearing were not exactly clubbing clothes. Neither were the pair of tan pants and two business shirts in the bag. Rounding out the collection were jeans and a couple of t-shirts. Not much to work with.
Justin had edged closer as I was thinking and glanced over the array of clothes. In a quiet, almost stunned voice he whispered, "We need to take you shopping."
"Huh," I said, shaken from my thoughts.
"You've got nothing to wear," he said quietly, but then he brightened. "We'll go out tomorrow afternoon and get you some stuff. You gotta look hot tomorrow night!"
"Ah...it's okay," I said feeling nervous. "I don't need more clothes, I've got stuff at home." I was feeling a little defensive and I was also worried about what this was going to cost.
"I know you have clothes," he nodded, "you just don't have any here."
"I'll be fine," I objected.
He looked at me as though I'd grown two heads. Then something seemed to come to him and his expression lightened. "No...we're gonna get you some nice clothes and the company's going to pay...it's a business expense. I'll pay for it. You can't continue your research without the right equipment."
As though everything was settled, and before I could protest anymore, he turned and waved casually, shouting "Be ready at 10...see ya!" He was out the door before I could even reply.
I looked at my watch. I needed to talk to someone about this. It was all too much. But who could I talk to? It was too late to call my agent. He, and pretty much anyone else I knew, were all on East coast time. Shit!
Well there was nothing else to do. I'd just have to call someone in the morning. Hopefully I could get it all sorted out in my head before Justin arrived.
I went to bed and tried hard not to think about Justin. About the things we'd done. About his smile and the way he laughed. About parts of his body rubbing gently against mine while we were waiting in line. About his eyes, and the short curly hair I so much wanted to touch. About how, at one point, I'd put my hand on his head and rubbed it quickly as though I was trying to give him a noogie, when really I just wanted to touch his head. In retaliation he'd grabbed me and given me a huge bear hug as he laughed in my ear.
I spent a lot of time lying there trying not to think of those things. But it was hard. So hard. And his face was so clear to me as I lay there and made love to him, alone in that bed.
Next morning I had room service bring up a big breakfast. When it arrived I added a big tip on the chit. If I'd been paying for it myself I would have gone down and bought a muffin and juice somewhere, but hanging out with Justin was having an effect on me.
About five minutes later I realized that I still had to put the bill on my credit card when I checked out, and then submit the bill for reimbursement. My credit card was already uncomfortably close to it's limit, and it had been one of my concerns before leaving. I mentally slapped myself for getting carried away.
I called Rob and got through to him first time, much to my amazement. Normally when I called him his secretary said he was in a meeting. I wondered whether he'd been waiting for my call.
"Ethan," he said warmly, "How's it going?"
"Good," I said a little cryptically, "What have you heard?"
"That you've made a big impression out there. They wanted you really badly for this and I got the word you were okay with everything and I was just to negotiate the details."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," I agreed.
"Well that's what I did," he said.
"Okay," I replied, wondering how to talk about what I really wanted to talk about...and whether I should.
I could joke with Rob. He was a great guy. In his late forties, and balding, he was tall and his remaining hair had flecks of gray in it. He was happily married and had two young kids. He was friendly, yet he had a drive for business. Best of all, I didn't feel like I needed to wash my hands after shaking his. I had really been lucky when he'd agreed to become my agent.
But he was still my agent, and our underlying connection was business. He didn't really care about my personal life as long as it didn't impact the business.
"So it's going okay?" he asked. "They treating you right? What are you doing?" he sounded excited about the whole thing. Maybe he thought I was going to turn into a cash cow for him.
"I've been hanging with Justin Timberlake," I said a little nervously.
There was a short pause, "Really? What's that like?"
"Every teenage girls dream," I joked.
"And what about a gay mans'?" Rob prompted. He knew I was gay, as I made no real secret of the fact. I didn't go around waving flags or shouting it out either, but it wasn't a secret.
"We're just friends" I said. "But this is exhausting, he took me to lunch and then we went to Disneyland and went on just about every ride. I don't know if I can keep up!"
"Say what?! I thought you were only a couple of years older than he is?" he joked.
"It's not that...he just...he's constantly wanting to do stuff, and he's spending a lot of money. I feel like some poor hic, the country mouse hanging out with the city mouse."
"Well you don't have to worry about money now...now you've got this project you should be set for a little while!"
"Tell that to my bank..." I growled, "I don't think I could have put dinner on my credit card if I'd wanted to!"
"You're going to make a good bit of money off this job. Don't you have some savings you can dip into? Or a spare credit card?"
"If I had some savings I wouldn't be out here in the first place, remember."
"Well you're only there for another two days. How bad can it get?" said Rob, dismissing my concerns.
"He wants to take me out to a club tonight," I said, rushing as I spoke. "He doesn't think I have the right clothes for it."
There was a pause and then Rob said "He's giving you wardrobe advice now? You sure he's not..."
"Shut up Rob!" I snapped. Sometimes he liked to kid me and I didn't always appreciate his sense of humor.
"Does he know you're..." and he left me to fill in the blank.
"No, I don't think so. I haven't told him."
"Well do you think maybe he's..."
"No! He's straight...I think," I didn't know. I couldn't tell. I didn't really want to even hope. What would it mean if he was?
"Well it's a bit odd...you know...I mean no offence but how come he's all over you like this?"
"He's not 'all over' me," I protested. "We're trying to work on script ideas!"
Again there was a pause, Rob obviously trying to put 2 and 2 together and not liking the total. "So how's that working out?" he finally asked.
"Well...," I paused, "at the moment I'm just kind of observing him...you know...research."
"Uh huh..." said Rob, and there was another long pause. "So he's hanging out with you, and you're observing him?" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"You're getting the wrong idea," I protested.
"So how's all this observing costing you money? He charging you to watch?" he said, and he laughed.
"Everyone's a comedian. Pity you don't have a better writer."
"Maybe once you're completely through observing Mr. Timberlake you can write some material for me?" he deadpanned.
"You're funny," I snorted.
"And you're evading the question," he pointed out.
"He wants to take me out shopping," I blurted out. I'd been stressing over this since I'd woken up and had to get it off my chest to someone.
"Shopping?" Rob said evenly.
"For clothes"
There was a long pause, then Rob kind of casually started talking again, "So let me see if I've got this right. He's hanging out with you, he's taking you to dinner, and now he wants to take you shopping for clothes..." He paused for a minute, then delivered the punch line. "Well," he snorted. "I'm just glad I haven't got the wrong idea."
"Rob...it's not like that! He just wants me to look good..." I said, then I stopped. I wasn't even convincing myself.
It was quiet for a moment and Rob was laughing. "Did you just say what I thought you said?"
"Shut up!" I snapped. "You're wrong...he's just being a pal."
"I just want to point out that none of my male friends - gay or otherwise - have ever offered to take me shopping for clothes. Or even commented on what I wear."
"Maybe you need to find some new friends?" I pointed out.
"Maybe I do," he agreed. He was silent for a moment. "Listen, you handle this the way you think is best, but I suggest you tell him flat out that you don't want to buy new clothes. Just tell him you can't afford to."
"I already tried that," I replied quietly.
"And?"
I hesitated, and then replied, "He said he'd pay for them."
Rob started laughing.
"Shut up," I snapped.
"What! Hey I'm happy for you..." he laughed. He was enjoying this.
"Shut up!"
"I've got it wrong you reckon?" he laughed.
"Yes," I said.
"Well, so what exactly were his words when he said he wanted to take you out and buy you clothes?"
"You just don't understand," I said clutching at straws, "he's a...you know...entertainer...clothes are like part of the trade...it's like a writer offering to buy another writer a pencil or a ream of paper."
"Yeah...sure," said Rob. "But what did he say?"
I paused. "He said...he said I needed to get new clothes so I'd look hot."
Rob laughed.
"You're enjoying this aren't you?" I said.
"Yeah," then he stopped laughing and became serious, "You know the worst thing?
"What?"
"You could be right. He probably is straight. This must be real torture for you!" and he laughed some more.
"I can really feel your sympathy from here," I said a little bitterly.
"Well smile and enjoy it!"
"Thanks."
"And maybe you should have a little talk with him..." he stopped laughing and sounded almost serious. "You know, clue him in on which team you play for...then you'll know if you're playing on the same team."
"Thanks...but what if he freaks and they kill the contract?" I wondered aloud.
"You still get paid if they pull out at this point."
"The contract's already in place?" I asked. I was amazed it could have happened already.
"Yes. Done by fax today."
"That was quick wasn't it?"
"Mr. Timberlake was insistent it get done right away," said Rob.
"Oh..."
"And listen, they aren't paying a whole heck of a lot since you're an unknown, so don't stress about it too much. I know you Ethan."
"What?" I asked.
"You over think things. You spend all your time imagining what might happen and completely miss what's going on around you. Try and keep your feet on the ground and not go floating away."
"I'll keep one foot always on the ground while I'm here," I joked.
"Good. And if you score a good outfit out of this I expect to get a commission on it!" and he laughed a little too hard I thought. Oh he was enjoying this phone call. I imagined he'd be lunching on it with all his agent friends.
"I'll send you a sock" I shot back.
"One more thing," he added getting serious again. "In all seriousness. If you tell him you're gay and he freaks and wants to cancel we still get paid,"
"He's not going to do that," I protested. At least I didn't think he would.
"Well just in case..."
"Yeah, I got that," I said.
"But if you make a pass at him it's a different game."
"I wouldn't dream of doing that!" I said embarrassed by the suggestion.
"Well don't tell him you've got a crush on him either."
"I don't!" I snapped.
"Well if you do, don't, and I'm not saying this because you're gay. If you were straight and this was a woman we were talking about I'd tell you the same thing. No making passes while working on the project because then they'll say you've created an impossible working environment."
"So no sleeping with him then?" I joked.
"No. Not even if he wants to!"
"Thanks...now I've got nothing to look forward to," I said, pretending to sound hurt.
"Sure you do," he said, "there's a check on it's way by Fed Ex to me as we speak. When you get back I'll take you out to lunch to celebrate."
"As generous as that seems, I've got a better offer here," I smirked through the phone.
"Well, just remember what I told you."
"I heard you, but it seemed like earlier you were convinced he was making a play for me. Now you're saying not to touch him...I wish you'd make up your mind."
"Well before I was being your friend and making fun of you," said Rob. "Now I've got my agent hat on, and it makes me say 'don't fuck the golden goose!' Okay!"
"Yeah, yeah I get it. No fucking the clients."
"Have fun Ethan," he said a little cryptically, then added "but not too much," and hung up.
I spent the next couple of hours trying to figure out what to do about Justin. We'd both seemed to have such a good time yesterday and enjoyed each other's company. He was a great looking guy with an awesome sense of humor. I know that's over done, but I really do like people with a sense of humor. He was naturally friendly and gregarious.
But I had no idea what he really thought of me. Maybe he thought we could be friends? I know that's what I was hoping for.
I kept telling myself I wasn't really interested in him in any other way. He wasn't really my type. When I lined him up in my mind with the other guys I'd dated, they were all so different from Justin. They were more intellectual. Reserved. Educated. Quiet. Plain. I had to stop myself from using the word boring. Justin was clearly not my 'type.' He was definitely One-of-those-things-that-didn't-belong. We had nothing in common. We came from, and lived in, very different worlds. There could never be anything there.
Besides, he was straight.
I had to stop thinking about him.
I went through my bag looking at my notebook and papers. I thought about writing something, maybe about yesterday, but I couldn't concentrate. I saw the copies of the two books I'd written and thought about giving Justin one. I idly remembered that I'd mentioned Justin in passing in a short story in my first book. I hadn't known him from Adam then, but he was a pop icon and by chance I'd mentioned him in a story. I'd have to show it to him sometime. He'd get a kick out of that.
I kept running yesterday through my head. Kept telling myself Justin wasn't for me. If I repeated it enough times, I might actually believe it.
Justin arrived about 10:30. There was a knock at the door and I shouted, "Who is it?" without looking through the peephole.
"It's me!" he said.
"Me who?" I joked.
"It's me, me!" he hissed and I wondered what was going on. I opened the door and was almost flattened as he charged in and shut the door quickly.
"What's up?" I asked stepping back.
He took off his sunglasses. "There were a couple of girls down the hall," he said breathlessly. "I was worried they'd recognize me."
"Oh." I said, watching him standing there. He had a cap in his hand so I could see his short curly hair. It was a light brownish red color in the light of the room, and I had a sudden urge to run my fingers through it.
I just managed to resist.
Justin looked a little harried, but then he seemed to subconsciously shake himself and relax a little. "You ready to go?" he asked.
"Sure" I replied, putting thoughts of his hair out of my head. I saw him eyeing what I was wearing, which was jeans and a plain shirt.
"You know the club we're going to is closer to my place," he said and paused. "Why don't you bring your stuff and you can stay the night. Then I'll drop you at the airport."
"Uh, you don't have to do that," I said.
Spending the night at his place? This was getting freakier by the moment. Thoughts of his hair ran through my mind again.
"I want to," he said, "Come on. It'll be fun. Get your stuff together and we'll get going. The greens are waiting!"
"I thought we were just doing the driving range," I pointed out.
"It was just an expression," he joked back at me.
"Look I don't want to put you out..."
"Just get your stuff," he repeated as though he wasn't going to take no for an answer, "Come on...don't you want to see what my crib looks like?"
"I bet it's more than a crib," I muttered under my breath. I was starting to resent the way Justin was bossing me about.
He stared at me blankly.
"Okay," I said finally and he smiled in triumph.
I went and started throwing stuff in my bag without saying any more to him and he stood silently watching me.
In the bathroom I grabbed together the toothbrush and stuff in there. I looked in the mirror. What was my problem? He'd just invited me to spend the night at his house! I should be thrilled and excited. Why was I suddenly all pissed off? Was it because he was forcing me to do something I didn't want to? Or was it that I was falling for him and was worried about spending too much time around him? Was I trying to keep him at arms length?
I didn't know, I just knew I was getting more frustrated and confused and worried. This day might be a disaster. I felt like I was about to be dropped in a minefield, and if I put one foot wrong everything would blow up in my face. 'Don't fuck the goose' I kept telling myself.
I went out to find Justin still standing quietly in the middle of the room, a puzzled expression on his face. I practically threw the bathroom gear into the suitcase and turned to pick up some other stuff.
"Ethan?" came Justin's voice, a little timidly.
I stopped and turned towards him. "What?" I snapped.
"Ahh...if you don't want to stay at my place that's okay..." he paused and I stood there just trying to breath calmly. "And if you don't want to go to the club," he continued, "we can do something else. I just thought it'd be fun...but it's up to you." He looked at me hopefully, I guess wondering what had come over me. He took a step towards me and stared intensely at me - a picture of concern - "I'm sorry if I got too pushy," he said.
"What?" I said blankly. I was now even more confused. I was getting so many different signals from him.
"When you're traveling around so much you get into..." he paused, searching for the right words, "I don't know...it's either you just don't want to even talk to people because you know they'll be gone tomorrow...or you want to get to know them really quickly..."
"It's okay Justin."
"Look we can just go over to the office and work on movie ideas for a bit and leave it at that if you want," and he stood there with his hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumped and the smile gone, a picture of dejection. God I just wanted to hug him.
"Huh! Go to the office when the greens are calling?" I said and I shoved his shoulder playfully and he grinned.
"Well you don't have to stay with me," he offered.
"Well I've packed now!" I said to him, pretending to be annoyed, but the moment had passed and now I was looking forward to all that was ahead. Just don't fuck the goose I told myself.
"Sure?" he asked one more time.
"Yeah...I'm sorry I got annoyed, I guess I just feel a little self conscious. You're a bit intimidating sometimes."
"Me?! I'm just a kid from Tennessee!" he joked.
"Some kid," I smiled, and then added, "I'm sorry I was a jerk."
"It's okay," he said, "I'm sorry if I was pushy."
We smiled at one another and it seemed like everything was okay. I finished packing my case and he took my bag with my computer and papers in it while I carried my suitcase down to the checkout, and then out to his car.
"I love golf," Justin said almost to himself as he was swinging the club back and forth. He was really stating the obvious. His face had been locked in a permanent smile since we'd arrived at the driving range.
He teed up a ball, took a couple of practice swings, then lined up and whacked it.
"And it's out of here!" he yelled as the ball disappeared down the range. I laughed and he turned to look at me. "All right, your turn," he said, pointing at me with the end of his club.
"Yeah, well" I protested, "I'm not going to be up to your standard."
He shrugged, "Just get up here and hit one."
He moved aside and I took his place. Justin, watching me to make sure I didn't start swinging at him, teed up a ball for me.
I nodded to him as he stepped back and I swung the club back and forth nervously. I suddenly felt very self-conscious.
I'd never really played golf seriously. My father played, and as a kid I'd gone with him a few times and hit a few balls. I'd even played a friendly game with some friends once; I won! But they didn't play the game either, so I was under no illusions about my prowess with the club. I felt a little nervous. Having Justin standing watching me wasn't making it any easier.
I lined up the ball carefully...swung and...missed it completely. But I continued the swing and pretended to watch the ball sail away as Justin burst into laughter behind me.
"Nice swing Tiger!" he called.
"Thanks Turbo!" I replied, "And for my next trick..." and I lined it up again and swung once more. This time I managed to connect with the ball and it flew away, probably going a third of the distance of Justin's, and curving to the left.
"Yeah!" Justin yelled and clapped and whistled.
"Thank you!" I said bowing in his direction. "Call me if you need lessons."
Justin walked up to stand across from me and pointed at another ball. "Hit another one," he said.
I put the ball on the stub of rubber that stood in for the tee, and started to line up the club.
"You want to face the ball with your whole body" Justin advised. I moved my legs a bit. "And keep your eye on the ball" he continued.
"I did!" I protested.
"No, you looked up as you hit it. Keep looking down. You don't need to see where it goes!"
"Okay," I said.
"Bring your hands together."
"What?"
"Bring your hands together, like this," he said, and he took his club and showed me how he held it in his hands. I moved my hands together but couldn't quite figure out what to do with my thumb. Justin watched me as I fiddled with my hands, and finally dropped his club and walked around so that he was standing beside me. He put one arm around me and then placed his hands on top of mine. I could feel his body against mine as he pulled my hands together. At first I resisted a little, but then I relaxed and let him move my hands.
"Like this," he said into my ear and he arranged my fingers and hands into position. All I could feel was his body against mine, his hands on mine, and his breath on my neck. I was starting to melt as he let go and stepped back.
"Like that," he repeated.
I looked at him and nodded. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. My throat was dry. I wanted him to just do that all afternoon. For a second I considered dropping the club and asking him to show me what to do again, but I dismissed the idea. It would be too...obvious.
"Thanks," I finally said, still feeling his hands on mine, his body against mine, and the sound of his voice so close to my ear. His body right next to mine. I felt very warm. "It feels weird," I said, and he just nodded.
I tried to get back into position. Justin stepped back several paces behind me and didn't say anything more. 'Okay, lets see how this goes' I thought to myself.
I swung and connected with the ball but I'd hit it on the top and somehow it bounced and flew backwards, almost hitting Justin, who dived out of the way.
"Hey!" he yelled.
I looked at him straighten up from the crouch he'd made to avoid the ball and I started laughing.
"Well that was a big improvement!" I said.
"I think I'm going to go into the next one," he said laughing and pointing at the other space that we had rented, "I think I'll be safer there."
We spent the next hour or so hitting balls. I was pretty hopeless, though after a bit I got into the swing of things and could at least hit the ball and get some distance. Occasionally one of us would stop and chat to the other, or we exchanged some banter while hitting, but for much of the time I was just going swing and hit, swing and hit. It was rather calming.
At one point Justin was back giving me more pointers - which just seemed to make my hitting worse - when I had an idea.
"Hey," I said, "maybe we could put you in a golf movie."
"A golf movie?"
"Yeah like a golf pro or someone who plays in the...what's it called, the majors?"
Justin stared at me blankly, then he burst out laughing, "You mean the Masters?!" and he hugged himself as he laughed, almost falling to the floor.
"The Masters, whatever," I continued, as Justin kept laughing, "like most of the audience is going to know that," I said a little testily. But his laughing was so infectious that I found myself starting to laugh too, "well so we do a story about some golf star...," I continued.
"Is he a secret agent?" Justin asked still laughing, and laughed harder.
"Yeah he's a secret agent and a pop star too! And he smuggles secret plans in his...balls!" I went on and we were both laughing almost hysterically now. Feeding off each other. Other people were casting glances our way. "So he meets this really hot...hot woman who turns out to be a double agent who has been sent to infiltrate the..."
"Masters?" Justin prompted helpfully.
"Yeah."
"What's her handicap?" Justin snickered.
"She only has one leg!"
"Huh!"
"And she works for an evil 'bogy' man who lives in a 'bunker' off the 14th green," I continued, trying to think of more golfing terms. "Don 't you think a golf movie would be just perfect for you! It'd give you a chance to swing your club on the big screen."
Justin was almost on the floor.
"You'd have the babes all over you once they see you in plus- fours!" I joked.
"Yeah," agreed Justin, wiping at his eyes. "I think it would be a really great movie and a great part."
"Yeah," I continued with as straight a face as possible, "and you could play his caddy!"
And we both dissolved into laughter.
It was almost two by the time we finished at the golf range. Justin's enthusiasm was contagious. I actually enjoyed the time and could imagine doing it again.
If it was with Justin.
We went out to the car and Justin was talking about going for lunch at a steak place and I started thinking about when I should drop the bomb.
I figured I had to do it soon; before we went to the club. Definitely before buying the clothes. I didn't want to spend money on clothes and then have him not want me to go with him. That meant telling him sometime between now and buying the clothes. Over lunch was probably the logical place to do it, but then I wondered if it would make it seem more important than I wanted it to. I really just wanted to casually say 'Hey by the way, I'm gay. How's your salad?' but I didn't think I could pull it off.
We were sitting in the car and Justin was just about to start it up when I just opened my mouth.
"Justin, there's something I should tell you," I blurted out.