Let me know what you think about Seth's latest visit and how the story is developing. We're heading into the final stretch now, just a few more chapters. Be sure to check out the website for the latest on Bleeding Hearts.
http://www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts
Email: Aterovis@aol.com
Chapter 26
I snapped out a deep sleep immediately into wakefulness. I laid still for a minute trying to figure out what had awakened me. It was quiet as a tomb in the dark bedroom. I turned my head to look at the clock. It was about 2 AM. I had gone to bed early, feeling awful, not too long after Asher left. I didn't feel physically ill, just miserable. I didn't like the way we'd left things but didn't know what to do about it. Even with all the things going on in my head-Amalie, the graves, Asher-I'd still fallen asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. But now here I was, wide awake for no apparent reason.
Suddenly I felt a subtle shift on the bed, as if someone or something was in bed with me. I sat up with a jolt and found myself face to face with Seth. I stifled a scream and sat panting at him.
"Wakey-wakey," he said in a low sing song voice.
"God, Seth," I hissed between clenched teeth, "What the hell are you doing? Trying to scare me to death?"
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya."
"I see more of you dead than I ever saw you alive," I grumbled. "What is it with me seeing ghosts all the time now? I feel that kid on Sixth Sense." I dropped my voice to a sarcastic whisper, "I see dead people."
"You're grumpy when you wake up, you know that?"
"No, I'm grumpy when I get woken up a two o'clock in the morning by the dearly departed for no apparent reason!"
"Ok, ok, calm down! You'll wake Kane up."
"You'd just disappear like you always do."
He shrugged. "It's better that way, trust me. So, you've made up your mind? About Asher and Micah I mean."
"I guess so. Did you wake me up to talk about that?"
"And other things. What do you mean you guess so? I think you'd better be sure. You might not get a second chance if you decide later down the road this isn't what you really wanted."
"I like Micah."
"And he likes you. That's not what I asked. Are you sure this is what you want?"
"How did I get so lucky as to get you as my relationship counselor? And just what makes you such a damn expert? You're dead. This isn't the Love Connection and you're definitely not Chuck Woolery."
Seth gave me a dirty look. "Fine, if this is such an imposition I'll leave."
"Oh, good grief! Stop being such a baby. I'll answer your damn question, although why it's any of your business I still don't know." I thought for a minute and then nodded slowly. "Yes. At least I'm sure I want to give Micah and me a try. Asher and I have had our try and it didn't work. Maybe we just weren't ready or maybe we weren't meant to be, but either way it didn't happen. If we are meant to be together then I believe that eventually we will be."
"It doesn't always work like that, you know. You both have to be willing and timing is important."
"Why do you always have to make things so hard to understand? Do you talk in riddles on purpose or do you just get a kick out of it?"
He smiled. "Let's just say those are the rules of the show. I say as much as I can."
"There are rules?"
"For me."
"Like what?"
"I can't talk about it."
"For God's sake!"
"Something like that."
I fumed silently for a few seconds. "Is that all?"
"No, there is one other matter."
"What?"
"It has to do with what happened today."
"With Asher? Look, I know I was a jerk. I'll talk to him soon and apologize, ok? Maybe we can work something out as just friends. I think I'd like that. I don't know what was wrong with me today. I just didn't expect to see him here. I hadn't thought about us being friends and I was still hurt. I know it's stupid and selfish."
"Killian, this is all great. I'm glad you've figured all this out for yourself, but that's not what I was talking about."
"It wasn't? Then what- Oh, you meant Amalie."
"Yes."
"What about her?"
"Be careful, Killian. She's not like me."
I felt a chill go through my body. "What do you mean?"
"It's complicated. I can't go into it really, which makes it very hard to explain. Just be careful. You'll be better off now that Judy is involved."
"Judy is involved? I mean, I know I suggested Steve call her but I didn't know he already had."
"Yes, he called her tonight. Let her takes things from here."
"I didn't intend to do anything different."
"Ok, good. That's all really. I'll leave you alone now."
"No, wait. Seth, what is this all about? Why do you come talk to me? Why can I see Amalie? I don't understand any of this."
He sighed. "I know you don't understand. I'm sorry. Just...you just can. You're special."
"I don't feel special. I feel like I'm going crazy."
"You're not. Talk to Judy. She's been through this."
"Been through what? What am I going through? Can't you tell me?
"I can't..."
"You can't explain it! You keep saying that! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? How am I supposed to deal with all this if I don't understand it? Somebody needs to start explaining."
"I'm sorry."
"You keep saying that too. Sorry doesn't help me understand."
"Ok, ok. I'll try, as much as I can, which I'm telling you, isn't much. What do you want to know?"
"Why are you here?"
"To talk to you."
"Why?"
"I...chose to."
"Why?"
He threw his hands up in frustration. "Isn't it obvious?" His voice was suddenly filled with raw emotion. "I loved you. I still love you. I feel...I feel like I was cheated out of what we could have had. I'll never know now what it would have been like to hold you in my arms and be held in yours. I'll never know what it would have felt like to really kiss you and have you kiss me back. I'll never know what it feels like to be loved by the person you are in love with. You can't know what that's like. You're still in the land of the living. I've accepted that. It wasn't easy. It took me this long. It still hurts, but I've accepted that I'll never have you like that. Now...now I just want you to be happy. I've been allowed to be a part of your life, but only to a certain extent, and even then, only as long as you allow it. If you want me gone, I'm gone. I'd like to be here for you, if you'll let me."
For a few seconds I felt like I'd had my breath knocked out of me. The intensity of his emotions washed over me in an almost physical wave. I wordlessly shook my head no.
"No what?" he asked, uncertainty and fear in his eyes.
I took a deep breath. "No, I don't want you to leave."
Relief flooded his pale face. It was all a little much for my tired brain to compute. Up till now I hadn't been at all sure that these little visits from Seth weren't just dreams or an overactive imagination, or worst case scenario: my PTSD acting up. But I was pretty sure that even my subconscious couldn't come up with this kind of stuff.
"This is so weird," I blurted out suddenly and fell backwards onto my pillow with a choked sob.
"I'm just making things harder for you," he said in an anguish filled voice, "I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone."
"No, Seth wait," I said, sitting back up and rubbing my face free of any stray tears. "I don't mean that I want you to leave. It's just...you have to admit, having a dead guy as your confidant is a little strange."
"Yeah, I guess it is."
We sat there silently for several seconds. Finally I sighed and laid back. "So, how does this work?"
"How does what work?"
"How does this whole relationship work? Do you come when I call you or only when you feel like it? Do I rub a bottle or something? Can you tell me things?"
"I can't come when you call me. All I can tell you is that I'll be here when you need me. I'm not like a genie. I can't grant you wishes. And what do you mean, can I tell you things? What kinds of things?"
"Like...that stuff about Judy. I didn't know Steve had called her but now I do. There's no way I could have known that unless you told me or he told me tomorrow."
"It depends. I can tell you certain things, things that can't hurt anyone. And I can't tell you certain things, things that you have to figure out for yourself."
"Are they more rules?"
"Yes, those are the really important ones."
"Is this how Judy knows things?"
"I don't know," he said evasively. "You'll have to ask her. Judy is a very gifted person. And besides all that, she's just a very smart, very observant lady. Don't ever underestimate her. She's a powerful ally."
"You make it sound like a war."
He gave me a funny look, but all he said was, "I should go now. You need to sleep."
"Now you're worried about my sleep? You weren't worried about that when you woke me up."
"There you go getting snotty again."
"Excuse me if I'm not at my best in the middle of the night."
"Ok, ok, I get the point. I'm leaving. I'll be back."
"Why doesn't that comfort me?"
There was no answer and when I sat up he was gone. As I lay back down it occurred to me that the hardest thing to get used to in this arrangement would be his sudden comings and goings.
When I woke up the next morning I wasn't at all sure the whole bizarre exchange with Seth hadn't been a dream. Maybe I really was going crazy. That can't be normal for people to have dreams like that. I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about what he had said. I still didn't understand so much of it. I was still sitting on the bed in my boxers when a knock came at the door. Kane was gone, he'd been gone when I got up, so it was just me. I assumed it was Adam or Steve so I just called out for whoever it was to come on in.
The door opened and Micah stuck his head in. "Hey, is it ok if I come in?" he asked.
I yelped and scrambled to pull a sheet over myself as Micah started laughing. He came the rest of the way into the room, shutting the door behind himself, even though I hadn't granted him that permission. "I've seen guys in boxers before, Killian," he said lightly.
"Yeah, but not me. And I just woke up. My hair..."
He laughed again. "Your hair is fine. I kinda like it. You've got that whole mussed up look going on."
I stuck my tongue out at him. "You're here awful early, aren't you?"
"Have you checked the clock lately?"
I glanced over and was surprised to see that it was after ten. "I didn't know it was that late. Who let you in?"
"You're little brother. He told me to just come on up."
"Figures," I muttered, thinking I'd have to get Kane back for that little stunt.
Just then, Micah noticed the scratches on my arms, legs and face. "Good God! What happened to you? Were you attacked by a mad cat?"
I looked down at my body and examined the numerous marks. I guess I'd have to get used to exclamations like that until I healed up. Either that or start wearing long sleeves and jeans and it was a little hot for that. "Briar patch," I said simply. "So why are you here anyway?"
He grinned. "I just couldn't stay away any longer. I had to see you again. I was going to call you and ask you out for tonight but then I decided I'd rather see you in person. Harder to turn me down that way."
I felt myself blush at his comments. "Like I'd turn you down," I muttered, thoroughly embarrassed.
"So is that a yes?"
"Hold onto that thought for one second," I said, I jumped out of the bed and sped down the stairs to where Adam was working at his computer. "Do we have plans for tonight?" I asked him.
"Sort of," he said as he turned around. He stopped short when he saw me. "I thought you had a guest."
"I do."
"Since when do you entertain guests in your boxers?"
I looked down and shrugged. "Since Kane started sending people up to my room before I'm even out of bed. So what are we doing?"
"Steve called Judy last night," Adam said, confirming what Seth had told me the night before, or what I thought Seth had told me. Maybe I'd somehow overheard Steve on the phone without even realizing it and my subconscious had drug it back up in that way. I wasn't really convinced but it seemed a little more likely then Seth coming back from beyond the grave to give me dating advice. Adam went on, "She is very interested in this whole situation with Amalie and wants to meet us at the house tonight. She would like for everyone who was there yesterday to be there tonight. It took a lot of fast talking to get Kane to agree but he finally said he'd be there."
"And you're going too?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," he said with a slightly ironic smile. "So why the interest in our plans? You have plans of your own?"
"Micah wanted to do something tonight." I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to go on a date with Micah that night, but excited about Judy becoming involved too. Seth's warnings seemed silly in the daylight.
"Well, it's up to you really. I'm not going to force you to attend Steve's little séance."
"No, I want to be there. I'll work something out. Maybe we can go out afterwards. What time are we supposed to meet her there?"
"I think she said eight was the earliest she could get there. She had dinner plans with someone."
Novak, no doubt, I thought. "Oh, well I'll see what Micah wants to do."
I ran back up the stairs to find Micah lounging on the bed. This made it rather difficult to hide under the sheets again, so I opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of shorts, which I quickly slipped on over my boxers. That done I told him that I didn't think I'd be able to do anything that night and why. His reaction was immediate; I swear, if he was a dog his ears would have perked.
"Ghost? You've seen a ghost and you're going tonight to try and contact it tonight?"
"I don't know if we're going to try and contact it or not," I hedged. After all, Adam hadn't said that specifically.
"What time?"
"Eight I think."
"I thought midnight was the traditional time for that sort of thing. Anyway, maybe we can go to dinner first and then go be at the house by eight. What do you think?"
"Are you suggesting you stay for the festivities?" I said warily.
"Please, Killian! I won't be in the way, I promise. I'll be unobtrusive; I'll stay in the background. You won't even know I'm there. It would make a great story!"
"I don't know. I seriously doubt this is the kind of publicity that Steve wants for his new bed and breakfast."
"Are you kidding? People eat this stuff up! They love staying in a place that's supposedly haunted. And if it's really a problem then I just won't mention where the house is or that it's going to be a B&B."
I could see he was really excited about this. With a sigh, I tried for a compromise. "Let me clear it with Steve and I'll call you, ok?"
"Yeah, that's fair enough. How about if we still do dinner either way? I'd really like to spend some time with you. Please?" He batted his eyelashes at me and did his best puppy dog impression.
I giggled and gave in, of course. "Yeah, dinner sounds great. What time?"
"How about if I pick you up at five-thirty?"
"That's fine. What should I wear?"
"You're best ghost busting clothes, I guess. We'll do casual tonight."
I grinned and he heaved himself to his feet. Then, without any warning, he scooped me up in a bear hug that actually lifted my bare feet off the floor and swung me around. He set me back on my feet and planted a deep kiss on my lips. I was caught off guard but quickly caught up. He broke away after about a minute.
"And on that note, I'd better leave," he said in a slightly husky voice, "because kissing you while you're half naked is a little more than I can handle right now and if I don't get out of here soon we may end up back on that bed."
"You don't hear me complaining," I teased. He swatted my bottom playfully and let himself out.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, exactly where I'd been when he came in earlier, and thought about the sudden changes in my romantic life. No more Asher for one thing. That part I'd been getting used to for awhile now, although I wasn't happy with the way I'd left things the night before. I wasn't very proud of myself of how I'd handled that. While I know I'm not at my best when I'm surprised with something like that there was still no excuse for the way I'd treated him. I definitely owed him an apology.
And then there was Micah. The better I got to know him the more I liked him. In fact, it was entirely possible that I was falling for him. Was I ready for that so soon after my breakup with Asher? Then again, like Asher had said the night before, we hadn't been right for a long time. I sighed as I stood up, grabbed a pair of clean boxers and headed for the shower.
After I'd showered and grabbed a bowl of cereal I debated the best way to apologize to Asher. Once I'd made up my mind I just wanted to get it over with. I knew the best way would be face to face, but I wasn't sure if I trusted myself to do that just yet. And besides, there had to be an easier way. I could call on the phone but the way I was leaning towards the most was sending an email. A bit on the cowardly side perhaps, but at least I could make sure I was saying exactly what I wanted to say exactly the way I wanted to say it.
I booted up my computer and signed on. An hour later I finally had the letter just the way I wanted. It hadn't been easy; I'd typed, deleted and retyped it over and over. I read it one more time just to make sure.
"Dear Asher,
I'm sorry about the way I reacted last night. I was a jerk and I know it. I knew it then but I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it. I think I just wanted to hurt you the way I felt you'd hurt me. I know that childish and immature, and again, I'm sorry. I know I probably shouldn't be saying all this in an email, but it's easier right now for me. Once again, I'm being selfish. I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do.
I've been thinking a lot since last night. You were right. We were over a long time ago; it just took us this long to deal with it. If we, no, if I, had been more mature maybe we would have dealt with it better and sooner. We were just kids when we started dating and forever seemed so possible then. We never considered growing up and how that would affect us. Maybe I just didn't want to lose the only thing I'd ever known. We were happy once, weren't we? It was good once?
I was blind to so much in our relationship, but I learned so much at the same time. You are one of the most incredible guys I've ever met. I'm glad that I was blessed to have what we did have for as long as we had it.
Asher, you'll always be my first love. There will always be a place for you in my heart. I love you now and always. You've been my best friend through some of the hardest times of my life and I could never throw that away. I just don't think I'm ready yet to see you. Maybe I'm just being selfish but I need that time to heal. It still hurts too much right now.
I know you've moved on, and I'm moving on too. I wish you all the happiness that life can bring. You deserve it.
Killian"
It was as good as it was going to get. With a sigh I clicked the send button and my missive was ejected into cyber space.
I sat back and wondered how he would feel as he read it. I was lost in thought when Madonna's sexy voice told me I had mail. AOL has this neat feature where you can get celebrity voices to say the different things the AOL announcer usually says, like "Welcome!" and "You've got mail!"
I opened my mailbox and was surprised to find that Asher had responded already. I sat staring at the screen for a minute before I worked up enough nerve to open it.
"Killian,
Thank you for writing and telling me that. It means a lot, more than you probably know. I left last night feeling as if I had lost you forever and I can't tell you how empty that left me. No one will ever be able to fill the place you hold in my heart. We may never be lovers or boyfriends, but you'll always be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we just weren't cut out to be more.
I want you stop blaming yourself for all of this. Fault lies equally with both of us, neither of us handled this the way we maybe should have. You're right, we were just kids. For that matter, we're still just kids. Neither of us had ever been in a serious relationship before this, we didn't know what to expect or how to handle the situations that were inevitable. I understand that you're not ready to be friends right now, but thank you for not closing that door entirely. I'll be here when you are ready.
And yes, we were happy once and it was good.
I love you forever, Asher"
I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I reached out and snapped off the computer. I felt like that was the best we could possibly hope for right now, but why did I feel so empty inside?