Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real- life people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people.
Thanks to everyone who has written me notes. It means a lot to me--and I really appreciate the feedback. Some of you asked if I'd leave the telephone--well, I did for part 12; but still not for face-to-face. Sorry guys, it's much more interesting TO ME to stay on the phone--or in letters. Harder to do this way!
Special thanks to Eriker--as always!
All comments welcome. E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.
All Grown Up 12--The Letters
Hey Sweetie,
So your father and I wanted to say some things to you. I suggested writing letters. I love the way you can hold a real letter in your hands--feel the paper--even smell it. Fold it and touch it and keep it forever. I hope this is a letter you will want to keep forever--and not one you just want to burn.
We are each writing you our own letter--we're not reading what the other one says to you. We will each continue to have our own close relationship with you--no matter what happens between your two fathers.
What I want to say first is how much I love you. How proud I am of you. How much you have brought into my life--ever since the day you first became ours. I fear so often that we have failed you--fallen short of what we should have been as parents. But I KNOW that you have NEVER for a moment fallen short of what a child should be! And what that is is a source of love. You are certainly that.
Brian and I are getting to know each other again. In many ways, it's as if we just met for the first time--but as he said, it's the best of both--we already know each other-- feel like we have forever--and have loved each other forever. But we also have the excitement of getting to know someone new--and maybe falling in love all over again.
I know that this probably all scares you--for me, for Brian, and for you. But I really want you to trust me on this one--please? We are being so very careful. And we are moving so very slowly. But sweetie, it feels so good--so right.
I love sitting by the piano and listening to him sing and play his new work. He is a really gifted artist. I'm so proud of what he has achieved--and what he will continue to achieve. And he loves to hear about what I'm doing too--for myself and for the groups. It's really great because our work doesn't feel like something that will come between us this time--it feels like something that we share knowledge about and interest in and can SHARE! And really feel good about hearing what the other one is doing and also telling the other one about it.
And the most important thing that we SHARE is our love for you! It's so wonderful to talk with him about you--for us each to share what we love about you--and our pride for you. He's the only person in the world (even more than your grandmothers) who really understands how I feel! And shares how I feel! It's so wonderful!
We aren't going to rush--we aren't moving in together or anything like that. Maybe we never will, who knows? Your pop loves his beach cottage so much--and his freedom there. And even though I get lonely in this big house sometimes, it's my--our--home. I'm so looking forward to you being home soon.
But anyway, we both really wanted to tell you that we are seeing each other--getting to know each other--we were really uncomfortable with this being kind of a secret from you. We hated that. In all honesty, it probably can't help but affect each of our relationships with you--but I really, really--truly honestly--believe that it will only affect it for the good, not the bad. Again, I hope you will trust me--US--on this one.
And HELP us on this too, please. We need you, babydoll! We need your help. Sorry to ask more of you--but we are a family--and we can be a good one--finally if we all work together.
So please don't be frightened by Brian and I seeing each other. And know that we love you more and more everyday!
Talk to you soon, sweet one!
I love you!
Dad
Dear Doodlebug,
I hope you are doing well. This is strange. I do not remember the last time I wrote a letter. I think it is good to do though.
I just want to tell you that I love you very very much. And that that will never never change no matter what happens. Even if you ever stop loving me. I will always love you.
I am sorry if you are worried about your Dad. I never meant to hurt him before. I know I did though. But I have learned a lot about myself in the program and in therapy. I do not think I will be bad for him. I will do everything I can to be good for him.
I hope you will see that I have changed and that I can be a good person. Next to you, I love your Dad more than anyone in the world. I just want to make him happy. He makes me very happy.
I love you little girl. I had to call you that one last time. OK? You are not a little girl. You are a grown up. But I love you like my little girl. You will always be my little girl.
Love,
Pop
All Grown Up 13--Fathers and Daughters
B: Hi Doodlebug!
A: Hi Papa.
B: How are you?
A: I'm good.
B: [shyly] Did you get our letters?
A: Yeah. Thank you, Papa. That was so sweet of you. You have to promise not to worry about me anymore though!
B: What do you mean? That's my job! And I really don't want to do anything that will hurt you.
A: You haven't--you aren't! Are you happy Papa? Happy spending time with Dad?
B: Yeah, Sweetcakes. That okay?
A: As long as you promise to take care of yourself!
B: Hey I will--I am. We both are, I think.
A: Good. You'll always have me Papa--if you ever need me.
B: Need you? Yep, I need you always and forever! I need to know you love your old Pop!
A: I do! Don't worry!
B: Okay. Hey you home soon?
A: Two weeks, I think--I hope!
B: Great. You'll spend some time with me then?
A: Yeah!
B: Come walk the beach with me?
A: Yeah, Papa, I will.
B: Great! You go to sleep! It's late in New York!
A: Okay, okay! Night!
B: Night!
J: Hey sweetie, nice to hear from you. How are you?
A: Okay. How are you?
J: Good. What's up?
A: Got your letters.
J: Okay . . . and?
A: Thank you? I don't know what to say.
J: How do you feel?
A: I don't know.
J: Are you happy? Sad? Worried? Confused? Angry?
A: I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?
J: [pause] Okay. . . . But it sounds like angry isn't too far off.
A: Don't be so smart, Dad.
J: Do you want to talk later?
A: Why? Afraid?
J: No. I think I can take it.
A: [pause] He really loves you, doesn't he? Sounds like he really needs you too.
J: Does that worry you?
A: I don't know. Is it going to be okay?
J: Are you afraid that I'm going to hurt him?
A: Do you love him?
J: Yes. Yes I do. I'm not sure if we feel exactly the same about each other, but I think it's close enough to work.
A: Whatever that means.
J: Yes, whatever that means.
A: Well, I guess for you to have each other in your old age. I just don't know that I like the changes--not knowing what's going to be what.
J: [laughs loudly] Sweetie, I know that you think 38 is just about in the grave, but guess what? It doesn't feel like it. I feel the same as I did at 18--except a lot wiser! You do realize that I could easily be alive 50 years from now, don't you? That means I haven't even lived half my life yet. And guess what? I bet I change a lot between now and age 88--I hope so anyway. I hope I keep growing and learning and changing--cause if I don't, I'm not sure that it will be living. And you should have another 80 years ahead of you, so you better get used to the idea of change too!
A: Yeah, I guess.
J: Trust me on this one. Change will come if you want it or not. Sometimes you get to affect it, a lot of times you don't. But if you accept it--even learn to enjoy it, you'll get a lot more out of life. And have lots less stress. [calmer] I guess the changes you've had in your life haven't always been good. What an understatement that is, huh? So it makes sense that you wouldn't like the prospect of change. I'm really sorry--you should have had a really stable childhood that gave you the security to face changes as an adult. You didn't have that--least not as much as I'd have liked. But maybe we can make up for that. Maybe things will settle into something that gives you that security. If your old fathers are in a really happy, stable relationship and you know we are both here to support you in whatever you want to do, couldn't that be good?
A: Yeah. I'm sorry Daddy. I guess I'm being really selfish, huh? Is that part of what you're trying to tell me?
J: No. Well, maybe about some of it. You're also really concerned about Brian, I know. But you know what? He's not nearly as weak or fragile as you think. I really don't think so, anyway. Remember, he was the one brave enough to make the first call. Anyway I don't plan to do anything hurtful to Brian.
A: I know you guys don't mean to hurt each other . . .
J: But you're afraid we will. Well, maybe we will. But I think we're both prepared for that. And we also both know that you don't get any of the good stuff without taking some chances. And I think we're both ready to take some chances. Remember again, Brian made the first call. He started this. He thought it was worth taking the chance. He trusted himself and me enough to try.
A: I know.
J: Please don't ever let your father know that you think he's weak. He really isn't. And I'm afraid it would really hurt him to know you think of him that way.
A: I'm sorry! I don't know . . . do I think he's weak? I'm not sure. I mean, I guess Grandma always kind of said things . . .
J: What kind of things?
A: Oh I don't know. She seemed kind of disappointed in him, you know? But kind of put it off on his drinking or whatever other problems.
J: [pause, trying to be calm] Sweetie, you know I love your grandmother very much, right? And I'll always be thankful to her for all she did for you and us. [pause again] But I really think she sometimes sells Brian short. I didn't know that Jackie spoke about Brian like that around you.
A: Don't be mad, Daddy!
J: Sorry, sweetie--not mad at you. But I do get angry with Jackie sometimes. Especially about Brian. Funny, I had forgotten that. It's been a long time. She learned a long time ago not to say anything against him around me--even after we were apart.
A: Um, Daddy? I told her about you guys talking and seeing each other.
J: Oh . . . I'm glad you told me that. I have a feeling I'll be hearing from her.
A: Sorry.
J: That's okay. I guess you felt like you needed to talk to someone other than us about it. It's good you feel that close to your grandmother.
A: Thanks. I hope she doesn't give you shit.
J: EXCUSE ME?
A: Oh God! I didn't mean to say that!
J: My little girl!
A: [laughing] That's what Papa calls me!
J: Hey--don't change the subject! I want to hear the bubbles in the phone as you wash your mouth out with soap!
A: Cute, Daddy! . . . I'm sorry.
J: That's okay. I can take her "shit"!
A: DADDY! [laughing]
J: [laughing] Gotcha!
A: I love you Daddy! I'm sorry if I worry too much.
J: Hey, I'm glad you care! . . . And you do really understand that we care, right?
A: Yeah, I know. . . . I can't wait to be home Daddy.
J: Me either. Two more weeks?
A: Yeah. That should be the end of the delays or extensions or whatever.
J: Good. . . . You talked to Brian?
A: Yeah. Earlier.
J: Good.
A: His letter was so sweet. I love him for it.
J: Good. He's a special man--and he loves you very much.
A: I know.
J: Go to sleep!
A: Yes sir!
J: Love ya.
A: Night.