Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people.
So here I am, eating my words (electronically) about no follow-up piece. Two things changed my mind--some very generous comments from readers and a conversation with Rick (writer of "The One"-- read it!), who had the idea of putting together the following two characters. That was compelling enough to get me writing. My continued thanks to Eriker for her encouragement and inspiration. (Check out "Doin-It" by Eriker.)
By the way, if you read any stories on here and enjoy them, write a quick note to the author. You wouldn't believe how much it will be appreciated. I'll certainly welcome your comments--good or bad! E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.
All Grown Up 2--Still Growing
A: Hey Dad!
J: Hi Sweetie. You know that when I was a kid, you had to actually pick up the phone to find out who was calling.
A: Yeah, well, I can't even imagine "picking up the phone"! Don't you like knowing who you are going to talk to before you start talking?
J: Sure. I guess I'm just thinking about how much things have changed in my lifetime.
A: Daddy! You aren't THAT old! What got you thinking about all this?
J: Oh I don't know . . . guess I was just remembering. . . . So how's filming going?
A: Great actually. I'm really enjoying it. And I feel like I'm learning more and more everyday. Richard is such a great director--I mean, I don't have anyone to compare him with, but I feel like I can really trust him and that he's teaching me a lot. And I love working with Keri and Michael too. Oh, speaking of a hundred years ago, Keri was telling me stories about you two on that Disney thing when you were kids.
J: Oh God, that must have been painful! It's pretty amazing that she's playing your mother in this thing.
A: Yeah, kind of cool though, huh?
J: Sure. And are you sleeping enough and eating enough? How early are you having to get to the set?
A: Daddy! Since when have you had to worry about me taking care of myself?
J: I know . . . but let me play father a little, okay? It's your first big job, and you're awfully young to take on all this responsibility.
A: Excuse me? This coming from the guy who was performing from the time he was a little kid?
J: Well, that doesn't mean it was the best way to live my life. And your grandmother or one of the other guy's mothers was around watching over us.
A: Dad, I'm fine. Don't worry. Though it's kind of sweet. So now that you're done with that Vegas thing why don't you come see me? Wouldn't you like to spend some time in New York?
J: You really wouldn't mind?
A: No, of course not! As long as you don't follow me around and make me eat and sleep and stuff.
J: Well what's the fun of that then? [laughing] If I can't annoy you, why bother?
A: Very funny Dad!
J: Don't worry, I can't get away for a while anyway. I'm working with the guys getting them ready for a recording session. I also promised to attend a meeting next week.
A: A meeting for the guys?
J: No, an AA meeting.
A: Oh. . . . Something you want to tell me Dad? I didn't think you drank very much.
J: No, not like that. It's an anniversary, and I'd just be going to support him.
A: Oh. Who's the "him"? Somebody new you haven't told me about? Spill! You know I love hearing about my father's men!
J: Men! What men? There have never been men! Just two particular ones. Don't make me sound like there was someone different in my life every week.
A: Yeah, unfortunately!
J: Be good!
A: Well, it's time for someone new. It's been forever since you were with Jason. It's time you had someone in your life.
J: Thank you for the advice and the benefit of your advanced years and life experience!
A: I don't have to be old to know things.
J: I'm enjoying my life just the way it is. It's taken me a long time to get here--a long time to be happy on my own. On my own with my sweet daughter, that is--who deserted me to have a career in New York!
A: Hey, you taught me to live my own life. And I'm only in New York for ten weeks. Then I'll be back there bothering you--at least for a while.
J: You better be!
A: So stop avoiding the question. Who's the new guy?
J: What new guy?
A: The drunk.
J: Hey! That's not funny. Don't talk like that.
A: Why? That's how people in AA talk about themselves. That's how Pop talks about himself.
J: Well, even if they do, it's not right for us to.
A: Don't be so sensitive. What's wrong? You must really like this guy or something.
J: Or something. . . . Actually, YOU really like this guy?
A: Huh? It's someone I know?
J: Yep. Actually you just mentioned him. . . . It's your father.
A: Huh? You just told me it wasn't you.
J: Um, not me, your other father.
A: Huh? I'm still lost here.
J: Your father Brian called me. And he asked me to attend his AA meeting when he speaks on his eighth anniversary next week.
A: [long pause] Pop called you? . . . Why?
J: Well, he called to catch up on things. To just talk. And to invite me to the meeting. He seemed to feel it was important enough to call and ask.
A: You guys actually spoke to each other? I mean, just for a minute or so for him to ask you the question or what?
J: No, we talked for a while. Probably an hour or more. I'm not sure. Want me to get the phone records?
A: I'm not laughing Dad.
J: No you aren't; but I don't understand why you aren't. What's the problem. You don't like your old man's jokes anymore?
A: Daddy, why are you joking about this? What's really going on here?
J: Sweetie, I don't know what you mean. Nothing is going on. I'll admit that I was taken by surprise--major surprise--that Brian called me. I was apprehensive and not very comfortable at first . . . but in the end, it was very pleasant--or at least very meaningful. Other than to say hello or good bye in passing, we've not talked--really talked--in almost ten years. It felt awkward at first, but then it got better. I was uncomfortable with some of the things he said, but it was also pretty amazing how much we did have to talk about. We've both done a lot of growing up-- especially in the last few years. And in some of the same ways. It seems both of us have done some major work in therapy. We also share an incredible daughter that we both love more than anything in the world.
A: [pause] I still can't believe he just called you. And I can't believe you talked to him--and for so long.
J: Why? Did you think I hated him? That he hated me? Is that the impression you've had?
A: No. I guess I just thought you'd just never have anything to do with each other again. I don't know. I really hadn't thought about it. It's just a shock I guess.
J: I'm sorry sweetie. I would have been more careful about how I told you if I had known that it would bother you.
A: But what's this mean? Are you suddenly friends?
J: I don't know, sweetie . . . we don't know. But you know what? There's a huge sense of relief somehow after talking to him. Like some big ugly cloud has been in my life all these years and it's finally gone. Strange huh? And it was like I never even knew it was there--but I know it's gone now.
A: Daddy . . . you, um, you don't . . . um . . . still love him, do you?
J: What?
A: I think I delivered that line slowly enough for you to hear it.
J: Don't be a smart ass. [pause] It would be really easy to give you the answer you want, but if you want the real answer, I don't know.
A: Oh GOD!
J: Sweetie?
A: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Have you forgotten everything you've learned through all these years?
J: Sweetheart . . . listen . . .
A: NO! You listen! What are you thinking? Are you that lonely?
J: That's not fair--to me or to Brian! Why are you talking like this? You're making it sound like you think Brian is some kind of monster. I thought you loved him.
A: Daddy--I love Papa very, very much. And I love you very, very much. But my memories of you two together are not the greatest times of my life.
J: Oh baby . . . I'm so sorry. Really. [long pause; then quietly] When Brian and I were talking the other day, it seemed we came back often to how concerned we were about what we had done to you. How hard it must have been on you. Especially when we were gone--or when we were all together but not very pleasantly.
A: "Not very pleasantly"--that's one way of putting it!
J: [pause] How would you put it?
A: I just remember everyone being so miserable. You, Papa, Grandma, all the guys . . . everyone had their own way of showing it, but everyone was miserable.
J: You left out you . . . were you miserable too?
A: Yeah . . . mainly because I couldn't stand to see you guys so unhappy. And I loved you both so much . . . I couldn't stand to take a side. It was just so much easier when you didn't live together anymore.
J: You were only eight when we finally moved apart permanently.
A: Yeah, but I remember plenty from before I was eight. Especially when Pop would be drunk. But you'd both have some strange ideas about what we should be doing as a family--going to someplace or whatever. Dinners together. But you usually disagreed on what we should be doing. And when you did sit down to dinner together, you'd either not speak at all or just say things that hurt the other one.
J: [softly] I remember. . . . I'm so sorry. . . . SO sorry. . . . Do you have any pleasant memories?
A: What? Of course I do! I told you--I loved you both very much-- I still love you very much. And I have wonderful memories of spending time with each of you. But only time I spent with each of you alone. That's why when you didn't live together anymore it made it so much easier. There was no pretense of spending time HAPPILY as a family. We didn't have those tense times. And especially after Pop stopped drinking, when he'd come to Grandma's he seemed to really relax. We'd do all kinds of fun things--horseback riding, whatever. And then when I came to live with you, but would go spend time with him, that was good too. We always had a great time.
J: [quietly] Do you ever think about or wish that someone else had adopted you?
A: WHAT? WHAT? NO! Is that what you think? You wish you hadn't adopted me?
J: Oh baby NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO! The one thing Brian and I could agree on more than anything was how wonderful you are--how much we love you--what a blessing you've been to us--how lucky we are that you turned into the wonderful woman that you are! I can't imagine my life without you in it!
A: And Pop too?
J: And Pop too! You know he loves you. More than anything. You're the greatest force behind how he turned his life around.
A: Then why the question about someone else adopting me?
J: I don't think it's any different than a couple that give birth to their own child . . . if they feel that they've not provided a good or happy home--a good childhood--they wonder if they did wrong. If the child would have been better off in another home. Do you understand that? It has nothing to do with how wonderful the child turned out or how much they love her--it's just that every parent wants the best for his child--the happiest times, whatever. You know?
A: I guess. Maybe it's just one of those adopted children things. Maybe it's not. Maybe any child sometimes wonders if their parents wished that they had been free and not had the child in the way.
J: Oh baby, we've gotten way too serious for this conversation to be over the phone. I'm in such need of hugging you! I really NEED to hug you--to try and make you feel how loved you are--and to make me feel that I've made you feel that just a little bit. I might just have to book a flight for tonight.
A: [laughing softly] Daddy, I love you. You give great phone hugs.
J: Promise? Promise you know that Pop and I love you more than anything? That you are the most wonderful thing to ever happen to us? In a life of some wonderful things!
A: Yeah, I promise. I love you too Daddy.
J: [pause] I'm sorry that my conversation with Brian upset you.
A: No, it just worried me--for both of you.
J: You don't think we're up to it, huh? That we can't take it?
A: Maybe. You said something earlier about not hating him. And that he doesn't hate you. It's funny, I never thought you did. I mean, you guys were miserable around each other, and I never really thought about it, but I never thought you hated each other. In all the years I've never heard either of you say anything hateful about the other one. You've been sad about the other one. And you've had to defend him from things others have said about him. But it's always seemed like you wanted only the best for the other one.
J: Hmmmm . . . I'm glad that's true. Especially glad that that's what you saw. And it is true.
A: So love wasn't the problem, was it?
J: Whew, baby girl! When did you switch to hardball?
A: [laughing] What? I'm sorry. Too intimate?
J: Hmmmm . . . Can your own daughter ask you too intimate a question? . . . I don't know, I guess I just wasn't expecting it. But it's not a bad topic. Not a bad topic for us to talk about. It's also much of what Brian and I talked about the other day.
A: You guys talked about love?
J: We guys talked about just about everything. It was really a pretty amazing conversation. I didn't know either of us had it in us to be so open and honest--at least that's how it felt we were being. I think your parents are finally growing up. Maybe some day we'll be as grown up as you!
A: Maybe! [laughing] I won't hold my breath!
J: At least you're laughing about it now!
A: Yeah, well . . .
J: Listen sweetheart, it felt good to talk to him. Like I said, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
A: So what did you guys say about loving each other?
J: Hmmmm . . . Just that we acknowledged that love wasn't the problem. I think Brian questioned if I had loved him--or if I thought today that I had loved him back then. I did, though--as much as someone so young and so immature can. That's what I blame--the immaturity--the insecurity . . . that's what did us in. And the pressures of the groups--so much felt like it was riding on our shoulders.
A: Weren't you my age when you guys got married?
J: Yes.
A: And you see that as too young?
J: Don't you?
A: Well, I see it as too young because there are so many things I want to do before I'm married. It's not that I don't think I could make the decision now.
J: And the fact that you realize that there are things you want to do before you get married already makes you much more mature than we were. Or I was. But really both of us. Brian was 24, but that's still young. It's funny, being in those groups caused us to grow up faster in some ways, but it made us less mature in a lot of ways. We didn't have the years in normal school activities to learn from. Well, in those days, gay boys didn't have that experience even if they were in school. We were actually more protected, perhaps. We weren't in school where we might have been taunted. But we did have to keep it all a secret way into adulthood--that was always a heavy pressure--and one that would have been missing if we were working in advertising or something of that sort.
A: So the groups were a blessing and a curse.
J: Oh absolutely! Without question. Yes!
A: Come on Dad, express an opinion on the question!
J: Cute! [laughing] You know I loved performing. I got to travel all over the world. I made so much money. But I never got to play basketball for my high school. I never got to go to college. After about age 15 or 16 I could never go to places without body guards. It's why we worry about you--I think Brian more than me. He really wanted you to have a normal school experience. But he respects your choices.
A: Yeah, I know he was disappointed. But even if I had stayed in school, it wouldn't have made up for you guys--and who knows if I would have been happy anyway.
J: I know. You're right. The other thing for us was that we met and there really was this magical love between us almost immediately. And because we were horny boys, it became sexual very quickly. Then it was like, "How do we turn back?" I mean, especially with Brian's religious background, if you were in love and especially if you were having sex, you got married. So we got married!
A: Horny boys--that sounds like a logical cause for the problems! [laughing]
J: Don't be an elitist female! [laughing too] For me, even though your grandmother had done what she could to be with me and show me how much she loved me, I was still the product of a broken home and was off travelling from a very early age. That can build your ego in some ways, and even make you independent, but it can also leave you hungering for love. That was me--immature for my age and needing someone to show me love. So when that love came from Brian, I returned it and then desperately clung to it. But all my insecurities were still there. I needed to constantly be told that he loved me. I couldn't be away from him for a minute without worrying that I was going to lose him. I so desperately clung to him for my whole sense of self. Isn't that ridiculous? I had half the teenage girls in the world wanting me--and half the teenage boys wanting to BE me--even if they would never have admitted it to each other!--and I fell apart if Brian was out of my sight. Over time, that kind of connection turns on itself. I started to resent him, and he resented me. He started drinking more, I started spending more and more time away from him. After a while you start to create the situation you fear--I pulled away from him, even though my greatest fear was losing him. At least if I pulled away from him, I had some control over WHEN we'd be apart. I didn't have to wait for him to leave me--I made it happen myself.
A: Wow--did you know this at the time?
J: Ha! [laughing] My dear child, your inheritance is going to be substantially less than it would have been if Daddy hadn't spent so much at the shrink's office! But your Daddy would have continued to be a pretty miserable person if he hadn't done so and learned about himself.
A: I think there's probably enough money to cover it!
J: Yeah, I think so!
A: And Papa is going to a shrink now too?
J: Yeah. You didn't know that?
A: No. I love Pop, and I love spending time with him, but he and I don't talk quite as openly as you and I do.
J: Oh. I'm sorry for Brian . . .but it makes me feel very special.
A: You are very special! And so is he. It's just two different relationships. I guess even more so since we weren't all together.
J: Are you ever sorry you didn't have a mom?
A: Now who's asking questions out of left field? [laughing]
J: Hey, I'm taking advantage of you saying we can talk so openly!
A: Well, don't push it! Just kidding, Daddy! And no! I mean, who knows, if I hadn't spent so much time with Grandma, maybe. But who knows? And you always had female friends. And you knew when there was stuff I needed to deal with.
J: Good. You know I'm so thankful for all your grandmother did for you--for all of us. She's a pretty terrific lady! She raised the two people I've cared most for in my life.
A: [pause] Whew! If you are going to start talking like that, I need some preparation!
J: What?
A: Well, calling Pop and me your two favorite people.
J: I think I said the two people I've cared most for--that's not necessarily the same thing as two "favorite" people.
A: Vague difference--and I think you are just avoiding the point.
J: That being?
A: That you still have strong feelings for Pop.
J: You know, it's not too late to quit this acting thing and study psychology.
A: Ha, ha.
J: Honestly? I really don't know how I feel. I told your pop that I was going to have to schedule extra therapy sessions--and I meant it! Brian has changed a lot, it seems. And I know I have. Whether that means that the old codependent habits that we fell into could be avoided now, who knows? It was nice to talk to him. I found myself feeling so proud for all that he's done--turning around his life. Have you heard his new music? The ballads? The musical he's working on?
A: Some of the ballads. That one about walking on the beach is so beautiful.
J: Isn't it? I'd LOVE to record that one!
A: So do it!
J: Wouldn't that surprise people! Could get some attention, huh?
A: Speaking of "people"--how would you two face Uncle JC--and Grandma--and Grandmother!
J: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We're not sending out remarriage announcements! I just have to hope that they don't go crazy over us speaking. And hopefully becoming friendly again. Being in each other's lives in whatever way--beyond our love for you. I don't understand it, so I can understand if they don't. Look how much trouble you're having with it. I know what we put people through. I know that it would scare people for themselves, for you, for us. But I can't live my life worrying about how someone might react to it. It felt good to talk to Brian. I THINK it would feel good to have him back in my life. But who knows? It could also be really painful. Especially if one of us goes farther with his feelings than the other. Or at a different pace. But we're trying to be adults. That includes being responsible for ourselves and facing joy and pain and whatever else life might bring.
A: And you think he feels the same way?
J: What do you mean?
A: That he wants you guys to be back in each others' lives?
J: Um, yeah; he feels that way.
A: What's that mean? . . . He wants more already, doesn't he?
J: No. Don't go jumping to conclusions! And I'm not going to tell you everything we talked about. Just as I don't share everything you and I talk about with him or anyone else. He reached out. I'm glad he did. It feels good. I'll be careful--for all of us.
A: You know he's not as strong as you. You might have to look out for him some.
J: Why do you say that?
A: I guess I just think of him as more fragile than you.
J: [laugh] Really? [then seriously] Because of the alcoholism?
A: Maybe. Though that's been under control since I was pretty little. I don't know, maybe I'm being unfair to him--or even you. And maybe it's because you and I do talk so openly. But there's a real sadness in Pop. He has turned his life around, but I'm not sure he's ever gotten over the hurt--not as much as you have.
J: Who says I have?
A: [pause] I'm sorry . . . I guess that was unfair.
J: No, don't feel bad. But I don't know . . . you know, maybe one of the things that feels good about his calling is that we just fell apart ten years ago; we didn't really end it or finish it. There was never any closure. There was just this wound that I got used to having. Maybe Brian is necessary to help it finally heal. And that could mean heal and find closure, or heal and have him in my life in some way. I can't honestly say which. Nor can I say what I want it to be. I know that I don't want him to be hurt, and I'll do whatever I can to try and keep him from being hurt-- as long as it doesn't mean sacrificing myself. I HAVE learned about codependency in the past decade!
A: Good. I don't want to see either of you hurt. And neither does anyone else. But I guess that's the fear we'd all have about you two getting together in whatever way. But as you say, it's maybe necessary at this point for each of you to move on, huh? So, it could be bad, okay, good, or wonderful, huh?
J: Yep, those are probably the choices, baby girl!
A: Can we take a vote on which one?
J: Well, maybe in the form of a prayer!
A: I'll do that.
J: Good. It's always good to be in a prayerful mindset. Good things come from that.
A: So what's next? I mean when do you see him?
J: I'm not sure when or where the meeting is. I guess he'll call and give me directions. Or I'll call him.
A: Need his number?
J: Got it, thanks.
A: You don't even know when the meeting is?
J: I know which day it is but not what time.
A: Which day is it?
J: Thursday.
A: Oh. Thursday is the . . . Daddy! Thursday? This next Thursday?
J: Yes.
A: [excitedly] Do you know what the date is?
J: [quietly] Yes.
A: [a little loudly] You are going to see Pop on YOUR anniversary?
J: That's the plan. I didn't know you knew that date so clearly.
A: Huh? Where do you think I grew up?
J: Funny. But it's not like we celebrated it each year--least not the past ten.
A: No, didn't celebrate it . . . but each of you sort of commemorated it.
J: Oh. I'm sorry baby.
A: Sorry? What for?
J: I don't know. Being difficult through the years. Your life being difficult. I feel like you probably missed out on some of your childhood because your fathers weren't done with theirs yet.
A: Oh Daddy . . . it wasn't bad. I told you already; I have a lot of great memories from my childhood.
J: Well, I hope so. You deserve the best.
A: Thanks Daddy. [pause] So on your anniversary? You're going to see him on your anniversary?
J: Well, it's his AA anniversary too.
A: Did either of you bring it up when you were talking?
J: Oh yeah. Brian was direct and honest about it. And said he'd understand if it was too uncomfortable.
A: And you don't think it will be?
J: I honestly don't know. I'm assuming that the attention will be on the AA anniversary. That's what I'm going to concentrate on. And how much he's changed. And celebrating that.
A: Don't forget the champagne.
J: Nasty girl!
A: Sorry--couldn't resist. Don't tell Papa I said that!
J: Don't worry!
A: Are you going to see him other than at the meeting? I mean are you like having dinner or something?
J: I don't know. We haven't talked about those details yet. He just asked about the meeting. Probably we should just wait until we're both there and see how we each feel before deciding that stuff. Unless he already has plans with friends or whatever.
A: I wonder why he didn't invite me . . .
J: Well, you're out of town for one thing.
A: Yeah, but still . . .
J: It could also be that he's afraid it might be hurtful to you. I really don't know. You know him--these days--a lot better than I do.
A: Hey! Do I know about you two when I talk to him next time?
J: What do you mean?
A: Do I know about you talking to each other?
J: Sure--you planning amnesia or something?
A: You know what I mean. Do you think he'll mind that you and I talked about it?
J: I hope not. I hope we aren't going to play a bunch of games. I think it's natural that I told you about talking to him. I hope he didn't mean to keep it a secret from you.
A: Okay. So you don't mind me letting him know that I know?
J: No of course not. I mean, I would hope that you won't relate every word we've exchanged . . .
A: Of course not Daddy!
J: I trust your judgment. . . . Will he be uncomfortable that we spoke about it? Or that you know?
A: I really don't know. I hope not. As I said, he and I don't talk as openly as you and I do. Maybe this will open him up some. It could be good for us.
J: That would be nice. Anything that brings you two closer couldn't be all bad!
A: Yeah. I love him.
J: He knows that. He said so.
A: I wish it was enough to make him happy.
J: I'm sure it makes him very happy.
A: You know what I mean . . .
J: I do. But you can't take on that responsibility. We're big boys--we can take responsibility for ourselves.
A: Well, we'll see! [laughing]
J: Hey! Shouldn't you show some respect for your fathers?
A: I respect you guys. Really!
J: Very convincing. I hope you're delivering your lines on camera better than that!
A: Ouch! That was a low blow! [laughing]
J: [laughing] I'm kidding you sweetie! . . . I love you so much. You really are the best thing that ever happened in my life--I hope you know that and will always know that. I hope that brings some joy to your life. You've brought so much to mine.
A: You're a sweetheart Daddy. And I love you. . . . But I also have to go to sleep! See! I can realize it's bedtime!
J: Good. I guess I won't have to fly there to tuck you in then, huh?
A: No, but it's sweet that you wanted to.
J: So sweetie, don't worry about us, okay?
A: I won't Daddy. But you promise to take care, okay?
J: Yes sir! . . . And you too, okay?
A: Promise!
J: Bye baby.
A: Bye Daddy.