Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys and their families); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any real-life people.
A personal note: It's been a while since I've visited with these characters--and through them with the kind people who choose to read my postings. Sorry to have been missing in action for so long--and apologies for the many notes not answered--I regret that, but hope that this may be a more worthy response than a quick e-mail. The Nifty Archive--especially our little corner (or not so little corner)--is such a great place for writers to get experience and feedback--but more important to me, it's been a great way to meet some wonderful people. Some sociologist should study this phenomenon! It attracts great writers and great readers--and I'm very fortunate to have met many of each. Hope there are still a few people out there interested in my version of these boys in the future! Notes are always appreciated! E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com.
All Grown Up 18--Self-Doubts
Justin: Hey Brian! What's up?
Brian: Oh, nothing. Just checking in about this evening.
Justin: I had such a good time last night. It was wonderful spending time with Nick and JC AND you. I really loved it.
Brian: Yeah, it was good. They're great guys.
Justin: So what's wrong? You voice sounds a little sad or something.
Brian: Oh, nothing. Guess I'm just not feeling too good.
Justin: Oh, sorry--you seemed fine last night . . . and this morning. You FELT fine to me! [laughing]
Brian: Yeah . . . just kind of came on me, I guess.
Justin: Oh. Is it serious? Is it your head? Your stomach? Do you want to go to the doctor?
Brian: No, no--don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Justin: Okay. . . . But you don't want to do anything tonight? Is that what you're telling me?
Brian: I don't think I'd be very good company--that's all.
Justin: No problem. And by the way, you don't always have to be perfect company, you know? Just be you--that's all I care about. [silence] Brian?
Brian: Yeah?
Justin: You okay?
Brian: Yeah--just feeling really tired.
Justin: Okay. May I check on you later?
Brian: Sure--that would be nice.
Justin: Good. Okay, take care of you, okay?
Brian: Yes, sir.
Justin: Bye.
Brian: Bye.
Justin: Hey JC--how are you?
JC: Fine, fine! Had a great time last night! Very cool.
Justin: Yeah me too.
JC: Hmmm . . . could fool me--you sound a little down. Things not go like you wanted after you threw Nick and me out?
Justin: [small laugh] We did not throw you guys out, asshole!
JC: No, I believe you did--what like 35 minutes after you and Nick got there? Couldn't get us to eat fast enough. I had barely begun eating my fish when the plate was whisked away . . .
Justin: Very funny--you know you stayed till midnight. I loved all of us being together like that--it was perfect.
JC: That's what I thought too--so why the down voice?
Justin: Not sure. Just talked to Brian, and he just sounded really down. Claimed to be feeling sick but wasn't very specific about how or what was bothering him. I'm a little worried--but it felt like he was trying to keep me away.
JC: You going to go over there? Want me to?
Justin: Naw, I'll believe him for now--I mean, I believe him, of course--just--I don't know. I worry about him, I guess. I worry about us. It's all so new--and it just feels kind of fragile--he seems kind of fragile. I hope it's just a bug or something.
JC: Well, let me know later, cause I can always make up an excuse to pop by there--something about the music we worked on yesterday or just to show him something new, whatever.
Justin: Thanks Josh--I appreciate that. You're the best friend, you know.
JC: Naw--you're the best!
Justin: YOU'RE THE BEST!
JC: YOU'RE THE BEST!
Justin: [laughing] Okay, I'm going to stop this game before the neighbors report me for disturbing the peace! Thanks, though.
JC: No prob.
Justin: Later.
JC: Absolutely.
Nick: Hey Baby.
JC: Hey Sweetie!
Nick: What are you calling me for? Just to make me the happiest man in the world?
JC: I love it when shit spews from your mouth! Why do I always fall for it?
Nick: Cause it's true.
JC: It's true for me--you make me very happy.
Nick: So why don't you believe that you make me very happy?
JC: Sometimes just seems too good to be true.
Nick: I know the feeling.
JC: Hmmm . . . Listen, some other love birds seem to be having some problems. Just talked to Justin and he's worried about Brian--seems Brian's claiming to be sick, but Justin's not buying it--afraid something's wrong with him. Any profound thoughts?
Nick: Ouch--they have to be profound?
JC: Naw--just thoughts.
Nick: Seriously, Brian's been down a long, hard road--for everything to be suddenly perfect may just be too much for any of us to ask for. He probably just needs some space--but not so much that he can hide away in.
JC: Whew--give the big blond man two points! You did do profound! And sounds pretty legit too.
Nick: I keep telling you, it was just those nasty tabloids that said I was the dumb one!
JC: I know . . . I believe you!
Nick: Gotta go--just got to the office.
JC: Love you.
Nick: Love you too.
Justin: Hello.
JC: Hey, Just--feelin' any better?
Justin: I'm okay.
JC: Yeah, I'm convinced.
Justin: Sorry.
JC: Listen, I talked to Nick--I think the big dummy may have hit this one on the head. He said something about how tough a time it's been for Brian--that we may be wishin' for too much for everything to just settle in so quickly--he may need more time. He said something about giving him room--but not so much that he can really hide in it--something like that; you get the point, right?
Justin: Yeah, I do. And thanks.
JC: You don't mind me talkin' to Nick, do you?
Justin: Naw--we're all family, aren't we?
JC: Hmmm . . . that's nice--and yeah, we are. Maybe that's something we need to let Brian know again. He may need some reassurance?
Justin: Yeah. I think I'll give him a call. Thanks Josh.
JC: Later.
Brian: Hi, Justin.
Justin: Hope I'm not disturbing your sleep or anything.
Brian: No, no.
Justin: You feelin' any better?
Brian: I'm okay.
Justin: Your voice still sounds weak. I was worried about you.
Brian: You shouldn't--don't worry about me; I'm okay.
Justin: Convince me.
Brian: Huh? Oh, was that a joke?
Justin: No, actually, it wasn't. What's wrong Brian?
Brian: [whisper] Nothing.
Justin: Brian--sweetie . . . don't do this to me--I've spent too much of my life without you. I have this wonderful chance to have you back in my life--I don't want to lose it. Please, please don't shut me out.
Brian: [crying] I'm really trying not to.
Justin: What's wrong? Why the change? I thought you had such a good time with JC yesterday--he sure did. And last night--dinner and all with Nick. JC and I were just talking about how great it was--that it was like family back together again--the four of us together--the way it should be--the way it should always be.
Brian: It was wonderful.
Justin: So, what happened today?
Brian: I don't know--just thinking, I guess. My mom wouldn't think you were so lucky to have me in your life again.
Justin: What? Is that what this is about? Who cares what she thinks? I don't! YOU certainly shouldn't! I thought you had made peace with that. I'm so sorry Brian that she can't see how wonderful you are--but it's HER loss; SHE'S the one cutting a wonderful person out of her life. Please, please don't let it affect you--or us. Brian, in case I haven't made this clear to you--I LOVE you. I won't dwell on the past--the times together or the times apart--I just want to concentrate on the present--and plan for the future. And I don't want to let you go again.
Brian: But I don't deserve you--you're too good for me.
Justin: [laughing] That's funny! What's so special about me? Broken down old song and dance guy?
Brian: The most beautiful man I've ever known--beautiful face, beautiful body, beautiful soul.
Justin: [gasp] Brian, you can take my breath away sometimes.
Brian: I didn't mean to make you cry--I'm sorry; see--just no good.
Justin: Oh sweetie--I'd give my life for you to know and feel how special you are--what a wonderful man you are.
Brian: I'm okay--I guess old demons don't just disappear, huh? I just think you could be happier without me.
Justin: Let's check the evidence file . . . been there, done that--was NOT happier!
Brian: But you were happy.
Justin: Sure, I was happy--but I'm happier--more fulfilled--if you're here--here in my life.
Brian: But Doodlebug . . . she's still not convinced.
Justin: Brian--she's our daughter. We owe her a lot--but we don't owe her our lives. She's also very, very young--no matter how old she can appear sometimes. She's come around a lot--she just needs to be reassured that we're not going to be loving her any less. But Brian, we've talked through all of this . . . You really don't know what triggered this?
Brian: I don't know--just that last night was so wonderful. I just don't deserve to be part of it.
Justin: Why? What crime have you committed?
Brian: I messed up everything--years ago.
Justin: First, I don't agree that you are any more responsible than I am or some of the other players in the game. Secondly, to whatever extent you--or I, for that matter--ARE responsible, I think we served our time--did our sentence. Time for parole and good times again.
Brian: Just seems too good for me--more than I deserve.
Justin: What about me? Don't I deserve to be happy?
Brian: OF COURSE! I'd never want to stand in the way of your happiness!
Justin: Well then stop beating yourself up! If you take my Brian away from me again--you'll be taking away my best shot at happiness. I love my home, my work, my life--my friends, my daughter, my family; but Brian--I love you most of all. I don't think it ever stopped for a moment. I buried it and tried to hide it--from me and everyone else. But Brian--we're soul mates--no way around it!
Brian: You got a bad deal then.
Justin: I got a wonderful deal.
Brian: [crying] I love you SO much. I'm SO sorry--so sorry to be so hopeless.
Justin: You are not hopeless . . . you're just a little down right now. Remember what you told me about your conversation with your mother?
Brian: Yeah.
Justin: You said you felt like you always had to be perfect--the perfect son--that awful line from that awful song; sorry! It wasn't an awful song--just knowing where it came from and what it was really expressing--it seems awful to me now.
Brian: I know what you meant.
Justin: Anyway, Brian, you DON'T have to be perfect! You don't have to be the perfect son--the perfect father--or the perfect lover or friend. You just have to be you. It's the you down deep inside that I love. The outside is just a nice addition. And you're stuck with me--good or bad.
Brian: It's all good from you.
Justin: Ha--you are really blind. Just wait--you'll be reminded of my bad side!
Brian: You don't have one.
Justin: Is that a challenge?
Brian: [small laugh] Yeah, I guess.
Justin: Okay--making a note--be an asshole to Brian.
Brian: Could never happen.
Justin: We'll see!
Brian: I'm going to go. I think I'll take a walk on the beach.
Justin: Be sure to have your phone on--I want to reach you later.
Brian: Okay.
Justin: Love you--I really do!
Brian: Love you too.
JC: Hey Just--on with Nick. Say hi Nick.
Nick: Hi, Nick.
JC: Yes, well--the old jokes are NOT necessarily the best.
Justin: How are you guys?
JC: We're okay--how bout you?
Nick: And Brian?
Justin: I wish Brian were better. It's like you guys thought-- he's just really, really depressed. God that Jackie--I hate her for that conversation she had with him! It must have just brought all the old shit back up. He still thinks he has to be the perfect little boy--for her--and the perfect father and the perfect friend. He had a wonderful time last night--too wonderful, apparently. He doesn't feel he deserves it. I guess it never goes away, huh?
Nick: It can--or it can get better. With the right people helping him--encouraging him. Just think how much he did on the alcoholism--and pretty much alone. He's really strong. He's just been hit by too much good for the moment. Maybe he's afraid it will all go away--just disappear.
Justin: Yeah, I guess. But what do I do?
Nick: You--all of us--have to show him that we're here for him-- and we aren't going anywhere. We're here for good this time--and we want and need him to be here for us for good too.
Justin: [small laugh] JC's right--you are a smart man.
JC: That's my boy!
Nick: Stop.
JC: But Justin? You know you don't have to do this, right?
Justin: What do you mean?
Justin: Just that you don't really have to take all this on again--unless you really want to. He's not your burden to bear. The point is, all the self-doubt isn't going to just disappear. It'll go away for a while, but it'll probably always be there under the surface. You'll always have to help him battle it. I just mean, before you make the commitment again, you should know that--and make the decision realizing that.
Nick: My boy's smart too.
Justin: I know what you mean, Josh--and I appreciate it. But there's one wrong assumption in there--that I have a choice about it. He is my soul mate--he is my love--he is my family. If he's a burden, he's a burden I gladly take on. The joy he brings to my life is worth any amount of sadness or even torture--just wish I could take the torture from him. But he is my man--he is my other half. These weeks have only reminded me of how empty and lonely I really was without him. I have him back--I have the chance of really having him back; I'm not letting go.
JC: I'm glad--I just wanted you to go in with your eyes as open as possible.
Justin: Thanks Josh--you're the best friend anyone could ever have. And that blond guy you hang out with ain't bad either.
Nick: Huh? Me?
JC: NO--the YOUNG, PRETTY blond I sneak in here when you aren't home.
Nick: Be careful--I'm almost home--better get him out of there.
Justin: See? Just like you two--I could never let Brian go any more than you two could be without each other--not anymore.
JC: What are you going to do?
Justin: I'm going to go there right now and convince him-- convince him that he is mine for life--just as we said all those years ago. No more sabbaticals--no more vacations--no more time off; it's the two of us from now on.
Nick: He's a lucky fellow.
Justin: So am I.
Nick: Yeah, I believe you are.
Justin: Thanks guys--I love you both a lot.
JC: We love you too. Call us when you can.
Nick: But we'll understand if it isn't tonight. But if you need us tonight--you call!
Justin: Will do. Thanks. And bye.
JC and Nick: Bye.