I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy.... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
All for Terry (Chapter 53) Someone Else...
... It had been months since the shocking return of my long lost Terry. The man I thought was dead until he showed up at my door. This man that was gone from my life after a car accident had supposedly taken his life over 5 years ago. But he had not died. No, Terry was alive. And the story of his return from the dead could only be conjured up in some novel. Found there at his destroyed car, broken and battered from his crash and brought back to health by a family that took care of him. But from his accident he knew not who he was or where he had come from. The memories ripped from his head. So he had stayed with that family and became one of their own. Unknowing of the love that had longed for his return. Me But he had been lead back to me somehow. The daughter of the woman that found him finding out who he was and where he belonged. Bringing him to me on that fateful day. Knocking in my door to show he was alive. That he had not died.
"T-terry!" I had shouted out before I fainted before him
Yes Terry had returned from the dead. But still with no real memory of me other than pictures of memories he knew nothing of, he had no memory of me, our connection. So he felt he should just move on with his life. Move on without me. A crushing blow, something almost as deeply wrenching as the death that had taken him before. But what choice had I. I could not force him to live me as he had once before. I could not hold him as he walked away from me.
"We will talk again" he had said
And yes Terry did keep in touch. I presumed he had just felt obligation to me as we were once lovers. And he was kind about everything. Always apologizing for the memory issue. But always suggesting that maybe it was for the best. That we were in different worlds from each other now. I took it, I took anything he said. So long as I would see him periodically. Lunch, maybe a dinner here and there. But nothing close to an intimacy that was fine from our relationship. I would never hold my love as I had before. And it broke me each and every time he left to go back to where ever he was staying. Someplace I was never invited to.
"Hey" came his voice one day "I wanted to talk to you about something" "Oh. Okay" I said back to the voice on the phone "Come on over"
I know I seemed very sad as I was still trying to get him back. Wanting him to come by as often as he could just so I could see him. It was the thing that kept me going. But he paused when I asked him to come over. Because he then said something that ripped another hole into me. Terry wanted to introduce me to his new boyfriend.
"Ohh" was all I could get out "Ohh. I see" "Wh-wh-whats his name?"
I was surprised that he did not hear the sputter in my voice. The creaky crack in it that suggested I would burst into tears at any moment.
"Ryan" he said back "He is really cute"
I wanted to hear nothing more. I just wanted the last few moments to just be erased. But it was too late. Terry had moved on. He had found someone he wanted, and it was not me. And I took in a breath to relay the false happiness I felt for him. Telling him that it was great'. Again my voice creaked as I spoke it. He suggested he not bring him over as it was new and he knew we had history. But we would one day meet, Ryan and I. Then he said he had to go and hung up. I just sat there staring at the phone. Feeling the splintering in my heart again. I did not understand why he would not even consider me. We had history as he said. Even if he did not remember, it was there. A love that would never leave my heart. It was there. And maybe that was why he would not bring Ryan over to meet me.
"Too soon" I said to myself
"Too soon"
I was on e again devastated by the torture that life was throwing at me. Bringing Terry back to me just to take him from me again. Only to show me that Terry did not love me anymore. To continue to rip shreds of my heart away. I did not want to meet this person. This terrible person that had no care over what Terry and I shared. That he just swooped in and took what he wanted. Leaving me a husk with a heart broken. Or did the guy even know about me? Maybe terry did nothing to mention me. He didn't remember me as it was, so he could have just said he was single and collected the other man as a trophy. A new fresh conquest.
"It's supposed to be us" I said as the tears poured out again "Terry and me." "It's supposed to be just us"
I found myself crying myself to sleep again. Something I hadn't done in a while. Laying in my pillow, just bawling out tears again. And the horrible pain in my chest returned once more. I did meet the guy. The very young guy not long after Terry's announcement. They had come by when Terry wanted to get a few things. Some old clothes that was still in the house of his. Ryan could not have been more than 23. A young Twinkie looking guy that looked at Terry not with love or adoration as I always did. But only as food, lust. So I surmised that he would be out of Terry's life soon enough. Or at least I hoped so. But as the weeks and months passed it was not as I hoped. They were together. Terry stopping by a few times to say hi. But his other half never coming with him. So I really did not see the guy again. But Terry was certainly giddy about his new relationship. Telling me how great the sex was. And just talking to me like a buddy about it all. Not what I was. His long lost love. So I had to stop him when he did. As I just felt he was pouring salt into my wounds. And he would apologize about it. But then forget and reiterate it again.
"I don't need to know" I would tell him
So I finally asked him to stop coming around. Mainly telling him why he should not. He apologized for the 20th time and then left. Stopping and pondering to hug me at all. But I just brushed him away. Telling him just to go. And as the continued suffering went in the following months were equally as bad. Issues with the house (plumbing, HVac unit and all other sorts of troubles). So I finally started using the insurance money from his death. Paying off bills that were so unexpected. I thought I may lose my mind when another blow hot me. The dog passed away. She got sick and passed away.
"Fuckk!" I blubbered out in my despair "Why is all this happening to me?" "I don't understand!"
I was not where I just wanted to disappear. To sell the house and just disappear. For I had nothing left. Nothing to bring me even the slightest happiness. All was bleak and dark. And the thoughts again resurfaced. Those dark thoughts if just ending it. Thoughts of leaving this world that had turned so horrible to me. I considered calling Serge again. After so long to have someone to talk to about this. But I thought not to as we parted badly.
"Why?" I huffed again through tears "Why?".... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be continued