I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
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All for Terry (Chapter 52) Why?...
... I was on the floor after the shock of seeing Terry again. My long lost love I thought dead had appeared at my door. A young woman just out of her teens at his side. A story spilling from them that was almost unbelievable. But what ever it was, he was here and home again. I sat there in the man's arms crying again. But they were somewhat happy tears. Tears of joy that he had come back into my life after all this time. And feeling his perfect body in me again was greater than anything I had felt in ages. The heat of him bringing me back to a calm I had not felt in years.
"It's alright" he said as he ricked me back and forth.
We sat there in the floor as the tears stopped. I looked at this man again. Not believing he could be back from the dead. Not believing that somehow God (or whatever force controlled all things) had given me another chance. I touched him, his arms, his body, his face just so I could feel him again. To be sure he was indeed real. And I had all bit forgetting about Lily. She stood there nearby, just seeing us together. She softly smiled as I looked up at her.
"Why?" I asked her again "I just don't understand why she would keep him from his home. From me"
Lily sighed and then just said that her mom thought it was nice to have a man around again. Since their father had left many years before. That the kids needed a father. And she again apologized for her mom. Saying she meant no harm. But she wished she had been old enough years back when he arrived. For the would have brought him back to me then. I looked back at Terry. He glanced back at me. A half smile on his face. He was indeed back, but there was a caveat to his return. He still did not remember much from before his accident. And he still did not remember me.
"I wish I could remember everything" he said "And I am sorry you had gone through what you did" "It's taken its toll" I said back "Had it not been for Serge.." "Who is Serge?" He asked
I paused at that question. For it was Serge that had begun the slow demise of my relationship with Terry. His appearance in my life I advertently causing the turmoil that lead to this all. Even if it was not meant to.
"Serge.." I started to say. as if Terry would know him in his state "He a friend that helped me though this" "He was the only one to keep me from doing anything stupid"
Terry then asked where he was. And I explained to him and this new person what had happened with Serge. How his taking care of me drive him to get closer than I had wanted. And how once ejected, he left.
"I have not from him since then." I said "So I am alone"
She patted my shoulder as Terry just looked in at me. Saying how utterly sorry she felt. Terry then chimed in and said he wished he could remember, and he too apologized. Lily said she would leave us to reconnect. That maybe the families surroundings my jar Terry's memories. Terry said he would call her later. I offered a thank you to her for bringing him here. But somehow knew that whatever 'this' was that it maybe short lived. And terry confirmed it as we sat there and just started to talk. Trying to say anything to jog his memory. Bringing old pictures and items that we had gotten together. Anything I could get to bring his head back. Something so that he would not look at me like I was a stranger to him. But nothing did. It was frustrating and painful to see as this man I had pledged my life to after all these year did not know me for Adam.
"Do you remember the accident?" I then decided to ask
I decided to dredge yo that fateful day to see if this helped him to remember. Even if it was when we left each other angry. I was hoping that it would be worth the risk. But even that failed.
"I am sorry, but no" he came back "Lilly told me of what she knew" "How her mom found me near the car at the bottom of the hillside" "How she and Lily nursed me to health" "And how they made me a member of their family" "But the accident and what came before. No I don't"
I brought up the argument. The reason he was out in the road that night. But still nothing. After several hours, nothing. Then I figured he might stay. But that was a wrong assumption as well. And he made it clear that he would not stay.
"Look" he started "I am truly sorry for what may have happened (or not) between us" "You seen like a sweet guy" "But I just can't remember. And that has to mean something " "I am just gonna go".
He grabbed his phone and dialed Lily. He said she should come and pick him up. I tried to get him to stay, but he insisted. Stating it would not be good for either of us. And that he needed to figure this all out. 'Alone'. My heart sank as this moment with him here was indeed very short lived. That because if his memory loss he could not even be around me. Even if such an act might bring him back.
"Please" I begged "Don't go Terry. Please"
He then got up and he pulled me to him to give me a hug. It was not the hug of pure love. Just someone hugging to soothe a broken soul (which mine was). I grabbed to his body. Trying to pull him closer as I began to sob again. Taking in what little of his warmth that I could. Just to feel him Then he pulled (and pushed me) away. Stepping back and heading for the door. I again pleaded for him to stay here with me. But again he refused
"I-i, I am sorry" he said "I can't. It's for the best" "We will talk more again" he then said
Then he opened the door and walked out. Not waiting for Lily to get there, as I must have made him uncomfortable. I dropped back into the sofa and just started to cry again. His return only opening a deep wound that had never really healed. He had come back only to break me again. And the tears poured from me again. And I called back out to the heavens and cursed it for this new torment. Just taking that this was indeed just another stab at my destroyed heart by fate.
"Why,?!" I cried through the renewed flow "Just to break me again. Why?!"
He did keep in touch, and he even came by a few times. Just to check on me. Why, I did not know. He still had little recollection of who I was. But I liked it and hated that he did. I wanted him back with me, but he didn't want me. I was a stranger to him and I supposed that he thought I was unattractive. And I know the last few years had taken their toll in me. Physically and looks wise. And maybe, of if maybe he remembered me he would still love we, he would still want me. But this was the reality. I just was not appealing to this man I adored. And I would never have him in my arms again. And this crushing reality was pulling me towards the edge again. Leaving me sitting in the house we made together alone. Contemplating again to end it all. A finality to relieve me of this heavy suffering. To quietly pass into the darkness and into the eternal peace of death. But then as if by cue, the dog would show itself to my side. A vessel of consolement to fill in the emptiness of my loneliness. This sweet beautiful creature was the only thing that still loved me. I sat with the dog and just hugged it, still crying but feeling better with it around.
"I am okay baby" I said "Daddy is just ever so sad" "Other daddy doesn't love him any more " "But I will be okay"
And I had to be. For this dog I had, I had to be okay...
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To be continued