I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy....
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All for Terry (Chapter 51) OMG, Terry!..
... Time continued to pass for me. Now completely alone in my unhappiness, alone in my suffering. I had lost the love of my life going on 5 years now. My heart shattered into millions of pieces at the knowledge of his accident that took him from me. An accident that I still felt to this day was caused by me. Or at least because of me. And accident following the biggest fight we had ever had. Hateful words exchanged and then he was gone. Snuffed out by the flip and tumble of a cr over a cliff. The eruption if flames that as I look back I believe I felt the moment when he died. Or when the fires consumed him. And I had to live with the guilt of his death. All these years after and trying as I may to move on. But even with the help of the sweetest man I had ever met. my sweet friend Serge. This wonderful man that after Terry passed took it upon himself to take care of me. To look after me to make sure I was okay. To keep me from trying to do myself in because if my grief. And I had loved him dearly for it. But that love and his love for me brought us too close. Too close when I could not truly give him all of me when he wanted it. For I was still completely and utterly in love with my fallen Terry.
"I should go" were Serge's last words the last time we were together.
And follow that our conversations ended. His stating that he could no longer be there for me. For it was too difficult for him due to his feelings for me. And I could not blame him for this push back. But because if it all I was not truly alone. And as I sit in my living room. The mess that it is. Many months after Serge was last here. My desire to clean or care for my home no existent. And only the dog was here to keep me company. As much as she try, but it was never enough. I would feed her, let her out in the back yard and then just go to sleep. I am sure she figured I didn't love her anymore.
"I should clean" I would say to myself daily.
Then I would start it. Try to clean up the mess that was the house. But stop after a few minutes. Or a few items. Then I would stop and just start to cry. I was back to eating little and just moping about the place in endless suffering. And I was back to in and out of work. Calling out a lot more than I should. Thankfully I worked from home mostly. So I had but to sign in and at least get some work done. As much as I could per day. But depression was a constant in my life. And I was back to reconsidering life and living in general. Wanting to kill myself again. But I never followed through and did it. I guess all those talks with Serge had helped me some. Enough to keep me from commiting the fatal deed. But not enough to suppress all the pain that had returned.
"Oh my Terry" I said as I sat on the sofa one morning. "I should be dead my love" "I should be dead" "It's all my fault you are gone. All my fault"
And then I would cry myself to sleep once more. The dog climbing up to bed next to me my only comfort. Then the tossing and turning in the night to try and get beyond this pain. Then I awoke one morning and I dragged myself out of bed. A place I just did not want to leave anymore. This is the morning that the shock of all shocks to befall me happened. The morning I had awoken from another bad dream. Shouting out his name as always from the depths of the horror that had become sleep. Jolted from it and seeing I was back in my place (our place). Again staring about the room. Then getting up to see the face in the mirror. The awfulness that had become my face. The pain of it all apparent on my face. I washed my face in the sink, I tried to brush my teeth with little effort and I stepped out to the kitchen to get myself some coffee. A drink other than alcohol that filled my belly. It was then that the door bell rang. A sound I rarely heard since Serge left my to myself and my own devices. And I wondered was it him. Was it the only person that I had left that I had trusted. Was he back just to make sure I was okay. We had not spoken in quite some time since 'the incident'. And for the most part I figured I would never see him again. He had offered me the live I so needed and I had taken it. Only to push him away in a retreat to my woes. My still endless longing for the man I left for dead.
"Serge!" I called out "Is that you Serge?".
I went to the door. Coffee in hand and prepared to let my dear friend in. But it was when I opened the door that my head instantly spun around and a whirlwind. An incredible maelstrom of emotion that flooded me as I saw his face again. The face of the man I had known dead for so many years now.
"T-t- Terry" I huffed as I saw his face as he stood there.
And all that emotion that poured into my body was just far too much for me. I stumbled and lost equilibrium and fell over, fainting to the floor. The cup in my hand flying off and smashing to the flood. Shattering into pieces. Well I assumed it so as it was the last sound I heard before falling into unconsciousness. And as I lay there in the blackness. As I lay there in the floor unsure of what had just happened. My.mind reeled at the possibility that I too had just died. That I had just called. To some coronary event. Or maybe a stroke or some other affliction that brought the death I had been longing for for so long to my door. Was I dead? 'Was I dead?' I swam in the darkness for a bit. My life (or recent one I had) flashed around me. Images of myself and the love of my life Terry. My body lost in his embrace. His face, his beautiful face looking at me. Eyes soft with the tenderness of the love we once shared in them. Lips moist in preparation for a kiss. The words pouring out from his lips as he told me he loved me. Albeit it echoed with a metallic resonance as his voice voiced around in my head.
"I love you" echoed in mt head "I love you"
Then his voice change. The time changed and lost the metallic tonality. Pushing back to an almost normal tone. But he was not saying he loved me now he was asking if I was alright. If I was okay. Then I smelled it, I could smell his scent. That long lost scent that could only read Terry. That mix of that cologne he loved and his awesome body as it found its way back into my head. Such a glorious and very missed smell. And he continued to speak to me. I felt his hand on my cheek, he patted at it as he spoke. Continually asking how I was doing. His voice showing a sprinkle of concern as his hand tapped away at my cheek. But behind his voice was another. A female voice. Higher pitched and almost piercing. A slight shrillness in it. But unlike his it was an unfamiliar voice. A woman I had not heard before. She was asking him if I was okay. Then I felt a small hand I'm mine. Tapping at it. I had to open my eyes. I had to pull myself from the death I assumed had finally taken me. Thinking I had passed to the other realm and I was to see him again. So, yes I had to open my eyes. And I did, and I looked up to see two faces looking back at me. To the right i saw this young woman. She could not have been more than 20 at best. Soft brown hair cut bow the shoulders. A pretty face and greenish eyes. But to the left was his face. Terry's face. He was fuller around the cheeks. Almost rounder and there was a small scar over his eye. And just along under it for a millimeter or so. But it was him. His face was as familiar and beautiful as I had ever remembered, save for that scar now placed there. Was this my dead Terry in his post accident heavenly look. The grave mark of his last moments place across his face to reminded me what I caused. I started to smile as I looked up at him. Feeling emotion fill my chest
"Terry?" I huffed as I felt my heart fill up "Is. Is that you?" "Am I. Am I dead now?"
I wanted to reach up and touch his beautiful face. But then I heard the young woman again and it pulled me from him. Who was she and why was she here with us. I was seeing my love again. Here in whatever place I had been placed, but there was a stranger in our midst.
"Are you alright?" She asked again "Looks like you fainted"
I paused to just stare at her. This intruder in my happy moment of finding my lover again. Again I asked myself who she was. Then just blurted it out to her as well
"Who are you?"I then asked. My voice demanding answer
She smiled as I lay there. The two of them hovering over me as I lay in the floor. She told Terry to get me seated upright. And my beloved man pulled me up. His face closed to mine and he helped prop me to seated. I looked around and saw the this heaven or whatever it was looked like our home. And then I saw move into the room our dog. That's when I surmised that this may be just an illusion. For it I were dead, the fog could not be here with us. And this would explain the strange woman I did not know. I then saw the cup I had dropped on the floor. Laying there in a pool of coffee and broken porcelain.
"Is it my mind playing tricks" I then said aloud "You are not here" "I just fainted from lack of food" "Fainted an you are just a hallucination" "That's what you both are"
I gazed at Terry. As he crouched there near me. Still taken aback at what ever was going on. For this false image or whatever it was I was seeing sure smelled if my beloved Terry. He half smiled and pulled me to seated.
"It's me" he said "It's Terry"
My mind felt as it may burst as I heard him speak. It was his voice. That was for sure. The voice I had not heard in years. The voice that had always soothed me in troubles and made me always believe all was well. So I just looked at him. Looked at the older and fuller face that was my Terry. There was a scar over his eye now, but it was him. And then I turned to the young woman next to him. Who was she and why was she here with me and Terry. If it was him come back from death, why was she here?
"Who are you?" I asked her again "I am Lily" she then said
Then she went on to explain to me what has been going on, why Terry was gone from my side for all those years. How her mother found him and brought him home. How he did. It know who he was after the accident and they just took him in. How he has had amnesia for all this time.
"And everything is still very fuzzy" he chimed in. "But Lily here knew that I had another life before then." "How I had a life with you"
I was confused as to why it had taken so long. But then Lily chined in. Saying that this was her mother's fault. She had known who Terry was from day one. She then handed me his wallet. I looked at the leather object. I opened it and there in the front flap was a picture of the two of us. Younger and ever so happy. But there it was. A beautiful memory together that had been long lost. She had known all this time and the woman did not bring him back to me. Why would she do something like that?
"But why?" I started to cry "If she knew. Why?" "My life crumbled after he was gone. I wanted to die myself because of it." "So why would someone be so unfeeling"
She leaned in and touched my hand. I pulled back and wanted to tell at her. But she assured me she had no idea. And terry said that Lily was a teen when he first came to them. So I should not blame her. "I am so sorry I have out you through such pain" he then said
Hale again said that thing were still so damned fuzzy. He still was not sure whom I was but for the picture that suggested a relationship between us. He touched my shoulder and squeezed at it. I looked back at his face. That beautiful face that was still the most stunning face I could have ever seen. I reached for his cheek and placed my hand to him. Just to ensure I was indeed touching him. Then my fingers moved up to his eye. The scar over it that passed to his cheek. I felt the scarred skin. It was a blemish that could not change his beauty. I passed my finger over it. Form above his eye and then over his cheek.
"So you are alive" I then pronounced "You are alive"
I then started to cry again. A relived happiness that the live I had lost was back. He reached form me and pulled me to him. Holding me there and rocking me in his arms as I sobbed. I fell into his embrace and swooned as his smell came over me once more.
Terry was back. Terry was home....
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to be continued