This is the continuing story of the utterly beautiful Terry.
I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ All for Terry (Chapter 50) Losing my Serge...
... Several days passed after the beautiful passionate encounter with Serge. An encounter that I had determined was a fatal error in my judgement when it came to him. I loved him dearly, that was true. But my love for Serge was never enough to assume that we would have a relationship. Especially since my heart was still fully in my dead Terry's hands. Even after all these years. It was something I could not let go of. Terry was my entire world. And his loss almost killed me. And had it not been for Serge, I would probably be dead from suicide. But all his caring and love just could not replace my undying love for Terry. So I knew that I had fucked up greatly. For I just put it all together that I without thinking lead this sweet man on. Adoring him for his kindness, and then leading him to my bed. It was an unintentional falsehood. But I did it nonetheless. Lead Serge to believe I lived him the same.
"I hate myself" I said in the mirror "I hate you" "You are going to break his heart" "And he may hate you for it" "You fuck"
My head conjured scenarios where I could pretend to live him the same. I mean Terry was dead and gone. And it was so nice to have Serge's love. It had been the best i had felt in a very long time. Almost pulling away all my depression. But the issue was the dread and remorse that had quickly followed just that one encounter. The notification of my unhealthy deed in leading Serge on. That ate at me far more than I would have imagined. I felt dirty after it. And not just for the betrayal of his love. But my betrayal to my trust love Terry. I felt I had just cheated on my life partner. Again a horrible feeling to have. But still I should have not lead Serge to where we ended up. It was not fair to him. Then he came over one day to see how I was doing. And in hopes to hang around and get closer. Something I was now utterly uncomfortable with. And as I had been putting him off for a few days I knew that this day would arrive.
"I don't want to deal with this" I told myself "But he has to know the truth" "Ughnn"
Serge came over and said he would cook us a nice dinner. I suggested otherwise. That I would just make something easy. Pasta. And have a bottle of wine. Then said I wanted to talk about 'the other night'. He sounded excited when I said that. Then when he came over he hugged me and kissed me. I handed him the glass of wine. Telling him to drink. I had the stove top running on medium heat as I did not want anything to burn. I had no idea what was going to happen tonight, but I didn't want dinner to go to hell. Even thought I just knew the night would.
"Come sit with me" I said to him
He did. He sat very close to me. He took a drink and then placed the glass down. Me I held my glass to my face. Then I swallowed down most of the wine in one gulp.
"Ease up" he said "Trying to get drunk?" "Maybe" I bluntly replied
He smiled as he looked at me. I knew what he was thinking. He assumed I was trying to get us both tipsy so I could pull him to the bedroom again. It was easily read in his sweet soft eyes. But I knew that this dinner, this intimacy we were having would go no farther than this again. I could not do this again. I could not lead him to my bed when what I felt for him was not what it was clear he felt for me. It was not fair to him. I was going to tell him that we could not do 'that ' again. That sex was off the table with him. And I was sorry. Oh my was I ever sorry.
"How are you feeling?" He asked "I am good" I said "Thanks to you, I am good"
Serge smiled again. He was pleased that he was able to help me move away from my pain. He reached over to me and placed his hand to mine. Telling me that he hoped that I would continue to progress and get better.
"I I'm glad you are better" he stated as he stroked my hand
He was about to say something more. I knew from his eyes that he wanted us to indeed continue what he was hoping as a relationship. That way we could make each other happy. It was all there in his eyes the words he wanted to tell me. I then took a breath and grasped his hand. Squeezing it tightly as I knew it was time for me to tell him. I had to put a stop to 'us' before it got any worse, before it got dangerous.
"Serge" I started with a quiver in my voice "You have been Soo good to me" "So sweet and patient with me" "You have helped me get through this, this time" "This horrible time I have been through" "And I love you for it"
He smiled bigger now. And I figured he was thinking of what I was about to tell him. something tender and living and he would kiss and hold each other in live. I stopped to breath in, for I felt my heart begun to race in my chest. I was afraid of his reaction to what I was able to tell him. But it had to be said. For both of us
"You have been so wonderful" I continued "I would probably be dead now wer it not for you"
He patted my hands as I held his. Trying to tell me all was good.
"About the other night". I then said to him "I know you were nervous.." he cut in "It's okay. We can try... " "No. It's not.." I had to cut in now It was good. I mean you were great" It's just."
Again I had to breath. Feeling as the pounding in my heart was about to bust through my chest from trying to get out the right words. Trying to say it right s I he did not take it wrong. So much was at stake here. His friendship and love being the greatest. But then I just spit it out
"Serge. I love you. I really do" I then said "But. "
There was a long pause again. And then I saw the look in his face change. It was like he in new what I was about to say. And then I do. I did say it.
"But. I am not 'i love' with you" I then blurted out "You are the sweetest man" "Ohh" he spit out.
Then he pulled his hand away. His face looking utterly hurt. And then he sat back in his chair. Then he placed his hands to the table. His face no longer even looking at me as he looked about the room.
"I, I just can't" I started to say "It's because.."
And then he cut in to my speech. He was ulster. I could see it in his face that he was. And I feared he would blow up at me any moment. It he just gave me a glance and then said what he had to
"I know already" he said "Terry. It's Terry" "I get it." "It's always Terry"
He slapped his hands to the table hard. Then he paused and took a breath. Then he got up abruptly. Standing up as he completely stopped looking at me.
"I should go" he then blurted
I tried to stop him. Calling at him to "wait!" But there was not stopping him. And again he repeated that he had to go. And he turned. And left me there. Saying something about needing some time to think. And then he closed the door behind him. Leaving me sitting there at the table. Alone. My breath began to calm. The words had come out. But somehow I felt I had said them all wrong. That I truly upset him and I would now never see him again. I stared at the door he had closed behind him. Then at the table that still had half eaten plates. The glasses if wine that were have empty. Then at my hands. He was holding them just moments before. And now I was looking at empty hands. I pulled in my fingers and then my thumb rubbed at the other ones slightly. And then the emptiness.of this evening hit me. I pulled my hands to my face and cried. It had been a while since I had cried this much but I did. The pain in my heart returning as I had just somehow fucked this all up. Whatever I had with Serge was now all fucked up too.
"Shiit" I bitched at myself "What have I done?" "So fucking stupid"
I pondered this all night. As I lay in bed I thought about this all night. Terry was gone, that was fact. And I had this sweet man that had taken care of me for all these years since then. This man that obviously loved me. But because of me and my loyalty to Terry, stopped any chance of me being happy again. And Serge was indeed making me happy again. I tried to call him a few times over the next few days. But only got his voice mail each time. So I had to leave messages for him to 'please' call me back. When he finally did he was angry. And I did not blame him he was angry that I had 'lead him on'. That he should have no own better and not gotten to invested in me. But that was too late and "here we are". And his last comments was that he would not be coming around so much anymore. That I needed to.move on from Terry's death on my own. I could barely get a word in. And then he hung up. And again I cried. For now I was truly alone. My beloved Terry many years gone now , and someone that I did care very much for leaving because of an 'error in his judgement' as he said.
"No I have no one" I said as I lay myself back in bed and returned to my wretched crying fits.
Then curling up into a ball as I tried to sleep again...
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To be continued