This is the continuing story of the utterly beautiful Terry.
I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ All for Terry (Chapter 47) Maybe Serge.
... As the months passed, a year passed and i spent my time most working from home. I was able to work remotely with this company that Arpi helped me find. They paid okay. But I didn't really care. I just didn't have to go outside a lot. And I was food woth that. The less contact with people the better for me. And save for the times I would go into the office (meetings and such) the only person I would see a lot of was Serge. My constant companion. I was glad that he was around as he kept me from totally going mad. Yet I still fell asleep most nights alone and crying. He was over one day and I was sitting there just staring at the TV. Not really watching it. But I had been in one of those moods. I had been searching for something. And to this moment I could not remember what it was that I had been looking for. But it was then that I had found his shirt. The short that those years back he left behind in my place. That first time I ended up broken hearted about him. I had found it in a box. I pulled it out and saw what it had been. I instinctively had pulled it to my face and there it was. Terry's smell. It was still on this old shirt that had never been washed again and had that familiar wonderful smell that was all him.
"Ohh Terry" I blubbered.
And then the water works started again. I sat there in the living room. A room that was only ever cleaned when Serge was around. Hell I would let the whole house go to hell had he not been here to help me out. Serge had been wonderful throughout this passed year. I could not have gone through anything, handled a funeral, dealt with the life insurance people. And just gotten through each struggled day with out him. He was a godsend. But sometimes I wanted him just not to be here. I wanted to just mope around the house alone without anyone around. But I knew he would not let me alone after several attempts to off myself from my deep depression. So I did not see him going away any time soon.
"You don't have to be here all the time" I said to him. "I feel bad that you are here" "Nonsense" he said "You need to be taken care of" "And this thing is very rough for you"
So yes. Serge was always here. Especially if I did not answer my phone. So I had to make sure to do so. For fear he would rush over here in a flash. No matter where he may be.
"I wish he would just leave me alone" I said to myself
Well as days and weeks and months passed on. I slowly, ever so slowly began to recover. But still when ever I thought of him, or a date or anniversary of an event we shared came up. I would lock myself up and just not do anything. Crawling back into my bed and into the black abyss of my still constant depression. I could not help it after all. Terry was the love of my life. And losing him in the way that I did was the greatest pain I had ever received. And I knew I would just never fully recover. No matter what Serge or antone else tried. Never ending sessions with a psychologist to try and get me to move on were futile. So I just stopped that entirely. For the pain of my loss would always be there. Terry's death would always be 'my fault" in my mind.
"Awe fuck" I huffed one morning as the alarm went off "I don't want to get out of bed" "I just want to stay here."
I turned and hit the buzzer to kill the alarm. I slowly got up and then sat on the edge of the bed. I got up and went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and showered. Then when I got back to my room I checked my phone. I looked at the date and saw that it was November 11th. My eyes widened and I then just sat back in bed. I just sat there as I dropped the phone to the bed. And then the swelling in my chest began. Then thundering pounding in my heart began. And I felt my breath just leave me. Then they started once more. Tears. Oh my God they were back again, and in force. The river that literally gushed from my eyes was unstoppable. And then I gasped as I finally sucked in oxygen. And then I just bawled my eyes out for a good several minutes. I was literally screaming in my tears. The phone rang and I looked at it. And as if by ESP it was Serge. He was calling. I reached for it and tries to wipe my eyes. Then I tried to answer
"Hey" came the sweet voice of Serge "How are you doing?" "Oh God Serge. It's. It's..!" I cried out "I know. That's why I am calling" "Do you need me to come over" "Yes. Please Serge. Please"
He said he would be right over and. First saying he would call my boss. That I would be out today. And then he hung up. I then lay back down and grabbed the pillow. And the tears just continued to pour from me once more. I curled up and cries out to whatever God was there. Begging again for what he could not deliver. I was again lost in my pain and suffering. Why. Today was Terry's birthday. Today was normally a day of celebration and love. But not anymore. Today was just another reminder that Terry was gone. And again I fell back into the abyss. The darkness quickly consuming me until Serge showed up. I didn't even hear him as he came in. But then as I felt his hand on my back I turned and looked to see hum there. Then he pulled me into his arms and just held me there. Me crying rivers onto his shoulder.
"Why!" I cried "Why!" "I am here" he said "Its okay baby. I am here"
Serge tried to rock.me back and forth again. His hand stroking my head as he tried to sooth my pain. And slowly the tears and blubbering calmed some. But all the crying gave me a huge headache. Serge pulled from me and told me to lay down again. That he would get me something for my head. Several minutes later he brought me a coffee and some pain meds. I took them and lay back down. And the tears started again. Not as bad, but they were there. Like always they were there. Serge crawled into bed with me and he lay down next to me then he pulled me to him and held me again. Telling me that he would just lay there until I slept again. His warmth soothing as his body lay there next to me. And I did fall back to sleep as the man held me close. He kissed my head as I fell off into slumber again. His heat and his arms holding me quelling the aching inside me.
Here it was near three years after Terry's death and I still was not coping with it. Still it was eating away at me. This pain that told me I was to blame. That my actions caused his death. And I could both get away from it.
"It's okay baby" Serge said "Its okay. I am here. I am always here"
I awoke to a warm breath on the back of my neck. I felt arms wrapped around me and then turned. My head called out to say it was Terry. Terry was holding me as I should be held. It was my beloved Terry behind me. But it was not. For as I turned I saw the bearded face of my dear sweet friend Serge. This man that had been my savior throughout my ordeal was here with me again. Holding me again. Making sure i knew he would always take care of me. He had also fallen asleep as we lay there. Bit his eyes opened as I turned against him. He saw me and smiled. Then asked if I was doing better. I nodded lightly
"Thank you Serge" I said "I swear I am lost with out you" "It's okay. I am glad to be here for you"
That was when his hand reach up and stroked my face. A gentle caress across my inflamed cheek from so many tears flowing. He wiped away some that were still around the edges if my eyes.
"I would never let you go through this alone." He then said "I want you to be okay"
I looked into his soft brown eyes. I could see the tenderness in them. I felt his thumb on my cheek softly stroke at it. And then he seemed to inch closer. My eyes looked at his, then his handsome face, then hus lips below the beard. He loved me. I could see that. And i loved him for what he was to me now. He was the only on I could count on. And I wanted to thank him. To show him how much he meant to me. So instinct somehow took hild and I moved closer to Serge. Then his hand pulled my head closer and then somehow we kissed. I don't really know who did it, who initiated this kiss. But we kissed. Serge and I kissed, and I allowed it to happen. My eyes closed as we did. I let his.mouth touch mine and gave into it. I gave into this tender love. The kiss was not rough, it was sweet and tender. As I only could assume Thu beautiful man could give. And it was the closest I had gotten to anyone since Terry. My body tingled and I wanted to go further. I wanted to be with Serge. His caring and love were what I needed and was getting. Even today on this day of my latest pain, he was here for me. And I did live him ever so much for it.
"I love you" he said as I pulled from him
But then I pushed away from him. This was not the day to do this. It was Terry's day and I immediately felt my betrayal to the man I truly loved. So I pushed Serge away. Pushing at his body to get him to stop his advances
"I am sorry Serge." I said "I can't" "Not today. I just can't"
He lay back down and looked up at me. He half smiled at me. Then he reach up to caress my face again
"Its okay" Serge then said "I get it." "I am sorry if I pushed you"
I reached for his fave and stroked his bearded face back. The wiry beard moving through my fingers. I smiled back at Serge. Then I leaned in and gave him a soft peck on the lips. Then pulled back and thanked him for being here for me.
"Thanks for taking care of me" I then said
He then turned and got up. Asked me how I was feeling if I was good. And if so he should head out. So I let him. He said to call him if I needed anything. Then Serge left. I looked at his back and butt as he did. I pulled my hand to my lips and touched them. Tasting him after the kiss we had. I pondered this. Was Serge my future. Was this sweet man my chance at live again. Was he my chance to be happy again... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ To be continued