This is the continuing story of the utterly beautiful Terry.
I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
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All for Terry (Chapter 46) The Long Recovery
... I was in the hospital for several more days. Serge had to go and tell my boss what had happened and that I would be out for a bit. I was just unable to function in any way. He had shooed off the police that first night. Taking the statements for me. That I would need to be left alone as I was now in a state of mourning. And he stayed at my side for as long as he could. Only leaving to go home and bathe and change clothes. Telling his boss he needed a few days for this. I was also put on a watch by the hospital when I was there. My state indicating loss of mental facilities due to this tragedy. And we're it nit for Serge, I would not eat. He was called whenever he was needed to get me to do so. For I did not want to eat. 'Why even live' I thought to myself. There was absolutely no reason.
"Come on. You need to eat" Serge would say to me "I won't let you stop living" "He wouldn't want you to stop living"
And at first his words struck with me. So I ate. Small amounts, but I ate. Just to make him happy as he seemed very concerned for me. Then he took me home. I walked into the place and it felt empty. And that was when the dog ran into the room. I saw her and fell to the floor blubbering. The dog licked my face to comfort me, somehow knowing my pain. I hugged the dog and just cried some more. Serge crouched down next to me and rubbed my back. Trying to soothe the suffering pain I felt
"Come. Lets get you to sit down" he said "You have a lot to do. But I am here to help you through it"
I looked at him and thanked him. Thanked him for the last few days I had been a complete wreck. Then he got me up and lead me to the couch. Sitting down next to me with the dog to my other side. I stroked the dog as Serge advised.me what needed to get down. Funeral arrangements, obtaining a death certificate. Was there life insurance and all the painful documents that needed to be prepared at such a dreadful time. "I know this is daunting" he said "But I am gere for you. I will help you get through this" "But I need to know where everything is"
I was humbled at his help. Going above and beyond the friendship we had to try to make this time easier. And I needed it. For every time we came across something I started to cry again. Drowning on the tears if this pain that was eating me up inside.
"It's my fault" I said "I killed him" "What?" He asked "You didn't kill him" "I said he should drop dead!" I shouted blubbering "I told him to drop dead"
I sniffled out a bunch of snot from my nose, wiping my palm to it. "I wished him dead." I added "And he is fone now" "So I killed him. Its my fault" "No it's not your fault sweetie" he said back. Cutting me off "You are not to blame for what ever conditions drove him off the road that night"
He then pulled me in and held me again. So I cried against his neck And beard.
"I doesn't matter though does it?" I added "He is gone. And I still feel its my fault" "I have lost him. Forever." "And the last he may remember where ever he may be now" "What ever place beyond death he now stands" "The last thing he heard from me was a wish for him to die" "Ohh Terry. I am soo sorry baby. I am soo sorry!"
And again I started to bawl. Serge pulled me close and tight. Letting me know he was there. That he was there to help me get through this tragedy. And it was greatly appreciated. I felt him as he squeezed me tightly. His heat as he cradled me in his beefy arms. It was almost soothing were it not for the crushing pressure in my chest. I wanted the death that had taken Terry. I wanted it more than anything at that moment. To end so that I could follow him into the abyss. Or if possible to replace his death with mine. To have him live instead of myself. I would gladly take it to bring him back. For he deserved to live. I didn't.
"Terry. Ohh God Terry!" I cried "Please. Please!"
Serge rocked me back and forth for a bit until i calmed down some. It was all he could do. It helped, but only a little bit. For a soon as I was alone or in the bed we had shared the tears shot out from my eyes. A torrent of them. The bed was a horrible place to be in as I smelled him on the pillows and that brought the tremendous pain back in. I truly felt that I would die from the crushing of my heart. And that was what his death brought. A steamroller of crushing pain almost unlike anything before it. And I hoped that my heart would stop so the suffering would as well. But it didn't, on both occasions. The pain continued and I did not die as I prayed to.
"Please God. Oh please end me" I would cry out "I can't. I just can't" "I can't live without him" "Please!"
And as the days and weeks passed I only seemed to get deeper and deeper into my suffering. I even made some feeble attempts on my own life. Taking pills and waiting for the darkness to take me. But that always thwarted by my ignorance of the drugs I took. Taking doses that may only do more damage than kill. Or it was stopped by Serge who would find me in a state that was a tell if my condition. Then he would rush me to emergency to get my stomach pumped. I was even placed on suicide watch so someone kept an eye on me. And many weeks and discussion with psychologists to try and help me cope with this crushing loss. But I knew I had to do what I was told. Anything to get myself at least off that damned watch list. I just wanted to be left alone. That was all. Left to my lonely room in my misery. That is all I wanted. And when I was released to go home. Serge was there to continue to keep.an eye on me. Like the dear friend he had become. I loved him for it and hated him for it though. For I wanted just not to be anymore. I felt without Terry I was truly nothing. And nothing he could do could change this.
"Thanks" I told him in my lie "You have been my best friend right now Serge" "But I can't keep letting you stop your life for me" "It is not fair to you." "So. Go home. I will be okay"
He did go, leaving me home with the dog a had been neglecting because of my dressed sorrow. I promised him I would not do anything rash and stupid. Stating I knew I had to take care of the dog. That was to be my charge. The thing to keep me going. That my responsibility to this beloved animal was paramount to my grief now.
"Terry would want you to" Serge would say
I smiled and hugged him as he went back to his place after months of his charge of me and my mental state. I went to bed and did not cry myself to sleep for the first time.yhe dog in the bed with me to keep me company. And for a few days I was pushing forward. I still cried a lot. But with my focus on the dog I kept myself from diving too much into the pain again. I think the dog knew and was trying to be there for me as well. So I hugged him a lot.
"You are all I have left of him" I said to him "You are my connection to him" "And all that I have to care for now"
I told myself this and again pushed forward. That was until I fully went back to work. That first day back I hit a wall and broke down again. Someone wanted a trip up to a simple place that wasn't roo far away. The resort in wine country that Terry and I had stayed. It was something that brought up tons of glorious memories for me. It was the place I fell in love with Terry. The place that we had planned to go back to once married. A place I adored so much before. And now it only brought in so much pain. I broke down right there in front of the client. Apologizing and excusing myself and running to the back. Bursting into another torrent of tears. And my boss had to step in and fix this. Having to explain to the clients my outburst.
"Oh my gosh" she says when she came back "What is wrong"
I reminded her that that was 'our place' the tears still gushing from me. She told me to just go home for thee rest of the day. I came hime and held the dog tightly. Still bawling out my eyes. I decided then that I could not do this any more.as I wanted to crawl back into my hole it only saud to me I could not work with clients any more. Any trip may set me off. And I knew my productivity there had suffered severely. I was honestly no good to the company anymore. And my boss knew it
"I am going to have to give you my resignation" I told Arpi the next day over the phone. "I just can't do rhis"
She argued that I shouldn't for a bit. But she somehow knew I wouldn't change my mind. But she said she would help me gund something like I wanted now. We had worked together for quite a few years now and she wanted to make sure I was okay. Sating she may know someone who was looking for a data entry person. That it wouldn't pay as much. But it should be okay. I thanked her and hung up the phone. Then I went back to bed. Just laying therein it all e. Looking up at the ceiling. The dog jumped up on it and lay next to me. I petted him softly. Then I started to cry again. It seemed to be all I knew right now, but the tears still came so easily...
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To be continued