This story is different than i normally write. It's a love story. My first.
I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++* All for Terry (Chapter 33) ...The Talk...
... "Can i sit?" Terry asked me
I was still there in panic as he stood next to me. But he did nothing until I okayed his next move. I wanted some but I just nodded. Trying to catch my breath that didn't seem to be able to come. Then he did. Moving over the bench and sitting there next to me. I could smell him and that cologne again. Even above the stink of the ocean. He then offered me that drink again that he was still holding. I reached for it, trying not to look at him. But one of his fingers touched mine. And then I felt that familiar pang deep in my chest again.
"Just go. Just jump" my head screamed again "Leap over the side." "Death is better than whatever torture was happening right now"
But I was able to suck in a ragged breath. I thanked him quietly for the drink. Then I took a big swallow. But then I asked why he was here in the pier with me. But again I tried not to look at him. Avoiding contact with his eyes.
"What are you doing here Terry?" I asked "What about your... boyfriend?"
I had trouble getting out that last word. Hating it that he was with someone else. But then he set that straight. The guy was not his boyfriend.
"Oh him. Just a guy I have gone out with a couple of times" Terry then said "I really don't have one" "Haven't found. .."
There was a long paused before he finished his sentence.and as there was I turned to look at him. His beautiful face. I bit my lower lips as he continued to tell me that he was unable to find anyone that made him feel good. Then he looked at me with that tenderness that had taken me so easily those years before. His soft caring eyes just looked at me as he smiled back at me.
".. Haven't found the one" he added "Actually no one seems to hold a candle to someone that I was with a few years back".
I turned back to the pier. Not wanting to hear the name of the guy he dumped that he really wanted. I didn't want to know about some guy that he wishes he was still with. Because that was not me. But then he said what I don't expect.
"You.." He then said "I shouldn't have let you go" "What!?" I blurted as I looked back at him "I shouldn't have brushed off so quickly"
I was now swimming in confusion. 'It was me'. No that's impossible. He had made it perfectly clear he didn't want me after all the accusations of my being a stalker. That he believed I wasn't worthy of being with him. But now somehow he had changed his tune.
"You said that I was no better than anyone else" I shot back "That's what you said to me" "That you would not be anyone's trophy guy." "And you had no interest in my feelings at that moment" "Your only concern was yourself"
If felt the tears start to well up again. The pain in my heart returning and wanting to consume me and pop out through my chest.
"You neglected the fact that I did fucking love you" I then shouted. And the tears started. I could not stop them. The poured out and down my cheeks. He reached for me and I saw his hand. So I pushed it away.
"No. Don't" I said
He sat back and then fell silent for a moment. He looked around and thought he was going to just get up and leave. I wanted him to and I didn't want him to. And even though pushed him away I wanted him to touch me. To pull me into that embrace I so longed for. But he stayed back and let me cry. Then he sighed deeply
"I know I hurt you" he then continued "And for that I am truly sorry" "It was not my intent to do so." "And I know I fucked it all up"
Again he paused and breathed in and out. I noticed his breath were short now. I looked at him and it appeared he was starting to cry too. Light glistening drops of them at the edges of his eyes. Was I hurting him now? I didn't know. All I knew was I needed to get everything out before I burst.
"Yes you did" I said "You had my heart and you just tossed it aside and stepped all over it"
He wiped his eyes to brush off his own tears.
"If I could go back and change it I would" he said "I swear." "I want nothing more in the world to help mend you baby" "Please. Let me try"
I lowered my head as he said that. My heart was pounding now. I wanted nothing more than to grab gold of him and pull him to me. To fell him close. To kiss his lips and to tell him I forgave him. I wanted to have him back with me again, because I did love him. I still did. More than anything or anyone in the entire world. Even after everything that happened between us. I knew that what was there of my heart could only be his. For always. I wiped my nose of snot and took another drink. Swallowing it down as I again looked out to the waters before me. And I could see myself back on that imaginary sailboat. Laying there with Terry under me. Feeling the soft warmth of a beautiful day as I lay with the man I loved. My cheek laying on his beautiful body again. I then raised my head and took another breath. A deep aching breath. Then I turned back to look at him. He was again wiping at his eyes.
"I have some things of yours" I then said "You left them behind when you rushed out"
He looked at me and tried to smile at me. Then he took a hardy drink. The whole thing. Then he crushed the plastic cup in his hand. He again sighed deeply as he too now looked out at the ocean. A tear ran down his cheek and in to his beard. A light trim beard that made him even more handsome than I remembered. I gazed at his features and his neck, his nose and those lips. My love for him began to swell in my chest again.
"So don't do want me to come by and get them?" He then asked "Whenever" I just said
Then he got up. He looked down at me. He smiled at me once more then asked if he could call me. I paused for a bit and then said yes to him. "Okay" was all I said
He stood there again just for a few moments. I know he wanted to touch me somehow. But he didn't dare. Probably afraid I might snap at him. Then he said goodbye in a soft and painful "bye". Then he started to walk away. Leaving me sitting there on that bench. I looked back at him and then he stopped and turned again.
"I hope you can forgive me one day" he said "And I am sorry baby"
And and he turned and started off again I heard him say "I love you". And then he walked off. He passed lisa and she smiled at him. Then she came over and sat next to me. I looked at her and just started to bawl. She held me tightly and swayed there on that bench and let me cry.
"Why did you let him.." I started to say "He saw me and then asked where you were." She said "He was almost desperate to talk to you." "And I figured you needed to get all that shit out"
Then she proceeded to tell me that she figured he would after she assaulted him in the restaurant. How she told him what a piece of shit self absorbed narcissist he was. And how she threatened to stab him right there in the restaurant. I almost laughed at he confession. But I could see her stabbing someone just to teach them a lesson.
"I know he regrets what happened" she added "And I think he wants you back"
I sat there and looked at her like she was mad. Then instantly regretted being cold and harsh to him.
"He is the only one who can fix you" she finally said
She took me back to get place and then I went to sleep. Or at least tried to. I tossed and turned all night. Seeing his face and the tears on it. I sighed as I lay tere looking at the wall. Pulled the pillow under my fave and laying on it as if it were Terry. Oh how I longed to lay on his chest again..
"Oh Terry" I huffed "I love you too. I always will"
The weekend was pretty shot after that first night. So I just went home. I gave her a hug and told her we would try this again sometime. This weekend hang out. But I just wasn't in the mood any more. She didn't want me to go, but she understood. Then she hugged me again and told me to drive safely. That I had a long drive. I thanked for everything. Then grabbed my gear and got in my car to go home. It was just after mid afternoon when I got home. I went up to my apartment and closed the door. Then I noticed the machine was flashing. Yes I still had an answering machine and a hime phone. I clicked it on and listened to the message. It was Terry. So I listened to his voice.
"Hey baby. Let me know when you get home" he said "And I can come by and pick up those things you have"
It ended with a "call me". I rewound it again and listened to it, several times. Mostly just to hear his voice. I sat down and sighed as I tried to figure if I was hungry or not. I didn't call him until later and before bed. I don't know why. Heck I wasn't even going to call him. But I just needed hear his voice again. And not just the message machine.
"Should I call" I said many times before I finally did
Then after much indecision I did call him. It was after 8 and I figured he would just come by the next day and take his things. I dialed back his number and let it ring. It took only a few rings before he picked up.
"Hello?" Came the familiar voice "Hey Terry. Its me"
His voice lightened as he heard me. Then he asked if he come over. That he could come up and just get his things. Then he would be put of my hair.
"No that's okay. It's a drive for you" I said "You can come by tomorrow if you want" "Don't want to put you out" "That's alright" he added "I don't mind. And you won't have to see those things anymore" "I will be up in a bit"
I pondered him coming over with no one else here to back me up. To be a buffer for him being here with me aline. But I finally agreed to let him come up and then hung up with him. Thinking that he would just come over, get his things and leave. And then he would be gone from my life for ever. I got up and then went to the closet. Pulled out the bix if his things and then pulled it out. I then took it to the living room so I could hand it to him when he came. I then sat there for a bit just looking at the box. 'He would be gone forever soon' I thought. I brought my hand to my face and my thumb to my lips. I chewed in my thumb for a bit. Sighing as I get the pressure in my chest again. Would i be able to handle this?
"Terry" I said softly as I sat there. "What am I to do." "I still love you so much"
I then opened the box again. I pulled out his shirt he left behind. I held it in my hand for a few moments. Then I pulled it to my face and inhaled him again. That familiar and wonderful scent that was all Terry. I felt emotional again and the tears started. And I sat there and cried softly to myself. And I did that for a bit. Just cried. And then as.i sat there for a while the door bell rang.
"It's him!" I chirped "Fuck"
I folded up his shirt and stuffed it back in the box. Then closed it up again. I wiped my tears as I went to get the door.
"Coming" I called out. "I'll be right there".
Then I went to the door. Took a deep breath and turned the knob to open it. My heart racing as I knew who was on the other side..... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ To be continued