This story is different than i normally write. It's a love story. My first.
I was going through some old boxes of things and found some adult magazines I used to have. I hadn't seen them in years. As I went through them I saw a wrapped package and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines. This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
All for Terry (Chapter 29) ...Another Failure..
... I had decided to go back to that dating site again. It had been near a week since the message from Edwin. At first I wanted nothing to do with it. Not trusting the whole thing. Meeting simeone again and trying to see if it would work out. I didn't want to do it again. But that week I seemed to see couples every where. Happy couples, everywhere. I could not seem to get away from them. And all it did was make me think. Made me wonder why everyone else was so happy and I wasn't. Those loving couples holding hands and kissing tenderly before me. It made me jealous of them. All of them.
"What the fuck!" I blurted out one day
I couldn't stand it. Why was I now being bombarded with this Crap all of a sudden. Then I realized it was 1 year and 10 months now since my heart had been crushed and stomped on. His face then crossed my minds eye. So that's why I shouted the curse The couple that ignited this looked at me oddly. I looked back ashamed and apologized. Saying something random just so they didn't think I was a nutcase. I went home and then opened up the dating page again. I looked at the message from Edwin. Then I answered him. I figured it couldn't hurt.
"Hello." I started "Sorry I hadn't answered" "Haven't been on here in years" "Thanks for message"
And I sent it. It took a day for a response. Something I want expecting anyways. I figure after two tries and no answer from me he probably moved on But then I saw in my email a new message linked to the site. And it was Edwin. He was still interested.
"All good" it said "Just saw you and thought you were cute" "Curious if you want to me for drinks or something"
I pondered the comment and at first said maybe sometime at the end if the week. He seemed okay with it. And then he asked for my phone number so we could actually talk. Again I pondered this. Did I want to give out my number to this new guy I just met? Did I want to push my foot back into the dating pool again.
"Can we chat like this first" I said. "I just got out if a bad relationship" "Recovering from it"
He seemed okay with that. Then he said that we could maybe meet after more talk. He didn't want to push me into anything I was uncomfortable with. When he said that I found it nice. This guy seemed like he was willing to wait for a possible connection. So we chatted via IM through the dating site for a week like this. He seemed sweet and patient as. Told him of my heart break. Even though I did lie a bit about when it happened. I didn't want his to think I was a sad creature that had been pining iver live for over a year and a half.
"That would make me seem so sad" I said to myself "I don't want to seem sad or pathetic"
Even though after each talk and chat with Edwin saddened me right after I chatted with him online. My heart ached at the possibility of wanting to love someone else. To replace the seemingly undying love that I feared would always linger for Terry. "What might Terry think if this" I pondered "Would he be happy I was moving on" "Or did he even care" "Did he even think of me"
I would almost cry again as those thoughts continued to run through my head. But I took some breaths to stifle them. Breathing on and out, deeply. Over and over again. Then I told myself. 'No' he did not think of me. He doesn't care about me. He was the one that broke it off. He is the one who did the breaking of hearts, not me. So on the next chat, I decided to give Edwin my number. So we could talk for real. Not just tap text onto a screen and wait for a response.
"Good to finally hear you" he had said "Nice to hear you roo" I had replied
And it was nice to hear him. He had a deep voice that seemed to give out a sympathetic tone. So I found it easy to talk to him more. We spoke about what we did and stuff like that. Then he said he was looking for someone spontaneous. That he remembered in my profile I had said I like to do fun things. I remembered how old it was that this had been on there. So I confessed that I was as spontaneous as I used to be.
"That's okay." He said "I still am. Enough for two I would imagine"
I was finding Edwin charming as we continued to talk over the next week. So I guess I was starting to open up more as I was starting to like him more. Funny thing was we still hadn't met yet. And of course he asked when we were gonna meet in person. 'He was dying to see my cute face' he said.
"I'm sure we can have some fun" he added
So I decided to meet with him in Friday night. We would meet for a late dinner and drinks.
"Sure " I said "That would be nice" "Great" he said back
He saud he would choose and it would be his treat. I declined him paying as it would be our first date. He seemed fine with that. I decided to tell my boss the next day about it. She cautioned me about getting to serious too quickly. And i assured her she had nothing to worry about.
"Its just a date" I said "To see where this may go" "I mean save for phone conversations. I don't really know him" "Although he seems nice"
She was at least glad i was moving on. "Finally" She said. I smiled at her and thanked her for her concern. It was funny that my boss had become my best friend. But I was glad she was looking out for me.
Friday arrived and I was at home getting ready. I wanted to wear clothing casual but nice to my first date in a long while. So I rummaged through my closet for a nice shirt and pants. I got dressed and headed out to where Edwin suggested for dinner. Not fancy, but nicer than I had been since Terry had taken me out that first time. I had gotten there a bit early to wait for him. I had a drink even before he for there.then I saw him show. He was tall. Maybe 6ft 3, and good looking. But in my head I was comparing him to another and he paled in beauty. He saw me and smiled. He came over and leaned down and kissed me. I was surprised by the forwardness of it. Not expecting a kiss right off.
"You are here early" he said "Yeah. U do that on first dates" I said "Bit nervous. That's all"
He said I need not be nervous with him. That we would have a nice meal and maybe head back to his place to 'talk' more. He asked me when my break up was. Again I was afraid to tell this guy the truth. So I closed the gap considerably and said 3 months.
"3 months. Seriously" he gawfed "I couldn't last that long with no one in my bed" "You must have been sweet on him" "Yeah" I said "I was"
Then he asked how long we had been together. I bit at my lip nervously. And then lied to the guy. Saying it was a couple of years. He smiled and almost laughed. Then said that it wasn't enough to get to strung out iver someone. So even though I fibbed about numbers I still felt foolish. And I did find it odd that he had mentioned needing to always have someone in his bed. He then said his last one was just a few weeks before I finally strated talking.
"He doesn't wait long" I pondered
But as he continued to throw on his charm pushed away the trepidations I was starting to feel around him. We finished dinner and he suggested coming by his place for another drink and more 'talk' I looked at him, unsure if I wanted to. I wasn't looking for anything more than a meeting today. But his near perfect teeth smile was almost alluring. And he continued to suggest I come over.
So I gave into his charm and said okay. "Just for a bit" I said. "Great. I will make you feel better" he said
I followed him to his place and then we sat down on the couch. He opened a bottle of wine and handed me a glass full. I took a sip as I looked around his place. Then he sat down next to me. He looked at me alot as we spoke. Be he seemed almost comforting as I told of the multiple times I had been dumped
"Shame you went through that man" he said "But as I always tell myself" "If they weren't serious enough in you. Then they were undeserving of you."
That made me smile and he smiled back as I did.
"See that's better. A nice smile" he added
That's when edwin moved in closer. His hand touched my face and his eyes locked to mine. And then he leaned and kissed me. Again I was taken aback by his forwardness, but it was a nice kiss. So I kissed him back. And for a brief moment it was very nice to feel him there. But then things turned quickly. His hand moved down to my chest and i felt him trying to unbutton me. I pushed at his and and then pulled from his mouth.
"No we shouldn't..." I started
And then his hand reached down and grabbed at my crotch. Then his mouth went back at mine. But I didn't want this. So I grabbed his hand and pushes him away.
"Look. Edwin. I am not here for sex" I said abruptly
He pulled back as sat there for a moment. He looked at me and his facial expression change. His smile changing to a look of annoyance.
"Ohh" he then stated "I thought you wanted to feel better" "I do feel better " I said "But I don't have sex on first dates"
He then pursed his lips and then got up. I looked down to see his pants were tenting from an apparent hard on. I felt embarrassed for him, and was about to apologize for giving him the wrong impression. But then he got mean and told me to get out
"Okay then" he said "You can go" "Get the fuck out" "You don't want to fuck. Just get out" "I will call someone will to have some fun"
He grabbed me and near threw me out. I then got upset and cursed back at him
"Is that all that matters to you is sex!" I shouted "Go Fuck yourself"
I then saw him slam the door as he told me to 'fuck off too'. I stood there for a moment. A deep and heavy sigh fell from.my mouth. Then I went down to my car and started it. My heart was pounding in My chest from my distress. I then started my car and went home. I was crying again by the time I reached it.
"I am so stupid" I said again
Then I went online and closed my account on the dating site immediately. Then crawled into bed and stared up at the ceiling. And as I could not sleep as my thoughts lingered on my sadness. And it wasn't for Edwin. He showed his colors very early. And I has just met him. But it was on another. I got up and did what I told myself I would not do again. I went into the closet and opened up the 'Terry' bix I pulled out his shirt left behind and his magazine. I crawled back into bed and looked at that face I adored more than anything. Then inhaled his scent from the shirt again. It was still there lingering amidst the material.
"Why?" I asked of his image again "I lived you so much"
And the tears began to flow again. Heavily.
"And I still do". I added
I fell asleep again next to his shirt and picture. My heart aching like never before. I felt if I died that night.that maybe that would release me from my pain..... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ To be continued