This is something a little different than I usually write. It's a love story. My first.
I was going through some old boxes this week and found some of my old gay adult magazines. I hadn't seen them in years.
As I went through them I saw a wrapped paper bag and there were a few more in there. But these were covered in plastic. The guy in the cover of them, I had actually met a few times. Before I knew who he was of course. But I always thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
As I mentioned, I had actually met him a few times. It turns that we had worked in the same building. And it wasn't until sometime later that I found he was the guy in my magazines.
This story is for him. A kind of 'What if' story about a guy I wanted for many years, but fate never made that fantasy come true.
This is for Terry. Where ever he may be.
Enjoy....
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All for Terry (Chapter one) ...It's You!....
The last few years had not been kind to me. Loss and loneliness was an all consuming part if me. I had all but given up on most things, and I looked like hell for it. Drawn and guant from these bad years. My face thin and almost sickly looking.
I had lost weight due to my lack of desire to eat much, if anything. I was always so tired as sleep was never easy for me anymore. And when I did, I would not get up in the morning.
"Noo. Ughnn" i would say as i got up late ever so often
"Just stay home"
Needless to say, my lack of motivation for all things lead me to unemployment more than once in the last few years.
Then with coaxing from my only friend I had, I would try again to move on. But that motivation would be short lived, and I would end up here again.
How did this life of mine get soo bad. I will tell you the tale. It's a tale of happinesses received being ever so brief and fleeting. Disappointments, one after another, and a broken heart that I would never have a mend to.
"Ughn." I groaned this morning of the start of my tale.
I had not slept much as it was a usual for me. My tossing and turning of the night before. Getting up from the nightmare that would not leave me. Screaming in my sleep to wake myself from it. Then shooting up in my bed from the scream booming in my head.
Looking around at the bed. My lonely sweat covered bed. I breathed in the sigh of sadness as I sat there staring at the walls of my dark room. Before falling back down to sleep again.
The alarm buzzed it's wretched siren in my head and I awoke. Eyes hurting from the lack of sleep for the umpteenth time. Lucky for me it was the weekend again, and I didn't have to worry about beinging late to work. Again. I rubbed at then and looked at the other side of my bed.
"Yup. Alone" I huffed
I breathed in a heavy breath, trying to motivate my movements. Then I sat up and looked at the curtain to my left. It was drawn closed as I always had it. Letting minimal light enter this place of gloom. Only the edges of the window coverings suggested daylight beyond them.
I got up with a heavy groan of pain and low energy. I pulled myself up off the bed and muddled over to the bathroom. I flicked the switch to turn the light on.
"Fuck" I grumbled as I turned the knob on the faucet
I watched as the water poured out from the tap. Clear as crystal it was. A strem of it falling down from the tap into the bowl of the sink. I reached down as I held myself to the bowl. I pushed my hands into the gushing water stream. Then pulled water uo to my face to splash it on me.
"Cold" my head stated
"So cold"
I then placed my hands to the sink sides as I looked down at the bowl. I watched as the water turned and spun as it found the hole to fall into the pipes below.
I just stared at the water as it moved down into them. My eyes blinked lazily from the tired state I was in. Then as I held the bowls sides I pulled myself up and looked into the mirror.
"Who is that?" I said to the man in the mirror.
"You look fucking horrible"
"Soo ugly"
Yes I was looking at myself. I stared at the almost unrecognizable me in the reflection staring back at me. The tired long face looking back at me was truly aweful. The bags under my eyes ever so puffy and the greys in my hair more pronounced than a man my age should have.
My face was a scraggly mess of unshaven grunge. I turned away fast as I could not stand the face I was looking at .
"What happened" I said
It it's something I said to myself all the time. Even though I know what had happened to me. These years filled with so much unhappiness and pain that I have endured had taken its toll on me and my body. And it sure showed. I looked at least ten years older than I really was.
I bent back down just so not to see myself again. I could not stomach 'Me'.
I splashed more water to my face. Trying to wash off my face if possible. I grabbed the tooth brush and made a sad attempt to brush my teeth. Not looking again at the mirror and the horror in it.
I breath a heavy sigh again. There was dull pain in my chest as I did. I know I had been crying again last night. Sobbing uncontrolably at the misery that my life had become.
I was planning on doing my usual. Nothing. It was Saturday and I didn't have to be at work something that I had little interest in. But I was convinced by my friend Serge that I had to go to work.
"Serge" I said softly, almost smiling
Serge had been the one ray of light in my life these last years. He was a handsome bearded man. 5'9" and strong. Big beefy arms that held me in my darkest days. He was a handsome bearded man, with a powerful and hairy body.
There were times, briefs times I thought of having him. Just to quench my longings and desire to feel someone again. To be with someone again. But there was an even stronger force saying no. I couldn't, and it was partly to fear losing him as a friend. This friend who somehow saved me from myself. He was my rock through my worst times. And I knew he loved me
Very much so. And I dearly loved him too. But it wasn't the same way he may love me. And I felt I exploited his kindness and love for me. I somehow needed it. And needed him. To keep me from falling back into my abyss.
"Well, let's get this fucking day started" I said
"Make some coffee"
"Maybe eat something"
I planned on just sitting there in front of the television. Looking for news. It's all I watched now. Hearing the headlines on what other bad things were happening in the world. Anything to show me how terrible life was.
Then I heard the doorbell.
"Who the Hell!" I huffed
I wasn't expecting anyone. The only person that ever came to check on me was Serge. And he was working today. And even if it were him. He had a key. He made sure to. Just in case. But still I wondered if it was.
"Is that you Serge" I said as I got up.
"Where's your key"
I grudgingly went to get the door. I went to the front hall and to the door. But stopped at the nob when I heard a voice from the other side. A voice I hadn't heard in years.
"It's me" he said
My heart began to pound. My blood raced through me. Fear and confusion making my heart beat harder and harder. 'It couldn't be' my mind screamed. But I opened the door regardless.
That when my eyes fell upon him. My breath stopped and he lightly smiled at me. This hazel eyes I thought were lost to me looking back at me.
"T-t..." I couldn't even get the word out
"It's you"
Then my head spun and my eyes rolled up. Then I fainted.................
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To be continued