All About Jake

----- All About Jake - 03 Hi This is, a you probably know, a story. Fiction, not reality, and so no, it's not about you, whatever you might believe. As usual, if you shouldn't be reading this for whatever reason, or you don't like the idea of boys being gay and falling in love, then don't stay here and read this. If you enjoy this story, or anything else on this site, please donate at http://www.nifty.org/donate.html And finally, your (constructive) feedback is always welcome, you can contact me at secret_writer@outlook.com. There's now a mailing list for updates and new stories from me, you can subscribe at http://eepurl.com/b1EzqL -----

Not having any plans for my weekend, I walked in to town and browsed around the shops. Which was really half browsing, and half waiting to hear from Jake. Maybe not even half and half, probably closer to 95 percent waiting, 5 percent browsing. I tried on some clothes, new T-shirts, jeans, usual sort of things, but I didn't like any of them.

After a couple of hours, and no contact from Jake, I decided to head home. I walked past the coffee shop, as usual, and looked through the window just in case, but he wasn't there. I wondered about going in to check with the weekend girl if he had got my number, but decided that that would definitely be way too needy. After all, it had only been a couple of hours.

Back at home I was restless to say the least. I tidied my already tidy bedroom, re-arranged my wardrobe, did some college work, but mostly, paced around the house. Josh was out so I couldn't even bug him to distract me for a bit. By lunch time, still no contact. Mum and dad were both home, so the three of us were sat in the kitchen eating, my phone on the table next to me.

"Waiting for something important?"

Unusually, it was Dad, not Mum, who initiated this.

"What? Oh, no, it's nothing."

"The kind of nothing that means you check for phone every ten seconds?"

I imagine I looked embarrassed, I certainly felt my face turning red.

"Leave him alone."

My Mum's warm and slightly amused tone meant that whilst she was saying the right thing she was also able to still be taking the piss just a little bit.

With perfect timing, my phone vibrated on the table and I picked it up with lightning like speed. Except it was a call from Sarah. The feeling of disappointment was immense, in fact, there must be a better word for it. Devastated seems like an exaggeration, or at least it should be an exaggeration of how I felt, but it's probably close. I didn't pick up, just flicked my phone on to silent and left it for the voicemail to pick it up. If I'd actually rejected it she would be even more mad. I knew she wanted to know about my date, not that I'd even told her exactly when it was, so it wasn't surprising to see her call. She just wasn't the person I wanted to hear from.

"It wasn't 'the guy' then?"

"No Dad, it wasn't 'the guy'. And he's called Jake."

"OK, but seriously, try and relax. I'm sure he'll be in touch."

"Are you?"

"Why wouldn't he be? Did it go really badly last night?"

"No, it went fine. Better than fine."

"So you had a good first date, and now you're stressing because what?

Because he hasn't called you twelve hours later?"

"I know, stupid, right? It's not even twelve hours, I only left my number for him this morning, and he might not even have it yet."

"No, not stupid. I've just not seen you like this before."

"I've not felt like this before."

I retreated back to my room as soon as lunch was over. I hadn't eaten much because I wasn't feeling hungry. I spent about four times longer than was usually required to finish some more college work and reading, because I just couldn't keep my concentration focussed. Josh came home late in the afternoon, by which time I was just laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and listening to music, not that I could find anything that I wanted to listen to, so mostly just skipping through stuff. Oh, and not answering calls from Sarah. I was up to nine by then. I heard him run upstairs, and then in his room, which is next to mine. It wasn't long before he was stood in my doorway.

"Hey gay, what's up?"

"Fuck off Josh."

"So what happened to the freakishly happy that was all over you at breakfast?"

"What? Oh, nothing."

I checked my phone. Again. I'd even logged on to my laptop and messaged myself to make sure it was working. More than once. Sad isn't it.

"Oh, bro, has he dumped you already? That's bad."

"No, of course not."

"Do you think he realised that maybe you look pretty but you're actually a bit, you know, stupid?"

"Fuck off Josh."

He didn't, he came and sat on the edge of my bed.

"So what did he say?"

"Nothing, he said nothing, because I haven't heard from him."

I checked my phone again, still nothing, obviously, and pulled a pillow over my head with a big sigh.

"Oh my god Kay, this looks serious. Are you in love with him?"

"What? No. I don't know."

"Ha ha ha, yeah, I think you must be then. I know what that's like Kay, you'll be OK."

"No you don't. You have like three different girlfriends a week. This is not like that."

Josh picked up the pillow and hit me in the face with it.

"Fuck you, you know that's not true. Mostly."

"Yeah, I know, sorry."

"I'm sure you'll hear from him soon Kay, and if not, then he is obviously an idiot."

"Thanks."

"But seriously, it's totally not cool to look so desperate."

"Fuck off Josh."

I threw my pillow at him as he headed for the door, which I then regretted. I'd have to get up to pick that up now. Well, later.

Maybe.

By Sunday evening, things had got much worse. I'd hardly eaten, because I still wasn't feeling hungry, and the thought of eating just made me feel even more sick than I was generally feeling. I had a headache that seemed to spread down into my neck and shoulders, and all I really wanted to do was not be awake, but I couldn't sleep either. Everyone else seemed to be carrying on as usual, so I assumed it was a 'just me' thing.

In my bedroom, as I had been for most of the day, my phone was vibrating slowly across the floor where I'd last dropped it from the bed. I picked it up, and for the thirtieth time that weekend felt desperately disappointed that it wasn't Jake. I finally gave in and answered the call.

"Oh my god! I thought you had like died or something! Where have you been, I've been phoning you like literally all weekend. So how was it, where did you go, what happened?"

"Hi Sarah."

"What's wrong with you, have you just woken up? Or are you just hungover? Oh, was it a really good night? You sound terrible."

"Thanks."

"So?"

"What?"

"What do you think!? Who is it? How was it? I want to know everything."

"It was pretty great. We went out on Friday...."

"Friday? Friday! It's Sunday, and you've waited until now to tell me!

Honestly Kay, this is important, I need to know these things."

"Calm down, you know you look like Tracy Beaker when you get all mad."

She doesn't at all, but someone told her that about ten years ago and she was super offended, and now it's just something I tell her every so often to piss her off. In a friendly way, obviously. It made me smile anyway.

"Fine. But just tell me!"

"OK. So, he's called Jake..."

"Oh. My. God. Jake Ramsden?"

"What? No, he's the same year as Josh isn't he? No! Do you want me to tell you or not?"

"OK, go on."

"He's called Jake, and I met him when I was buying coffee."

Which is totally true. But I'd already decided that there was no way I was going to give Sarah too many details, at least not at first, because she's a little bit unpredictable. If I told here exactly where he worked she would probably turn up and be really unsubtle about trying to find out about him.

"Where?"

"At a coffee shop. Obviously. Anyway, he asked me out....."

"Wait. He asked you? Awwwwwww, that's so sweet!"

"Yeah, golden. And he was super laid back about the whole thing. So I said yes, and we went out on Friday."

"So where did you go? What did you do? What did you do?"

"We just went in to town for some drinks, and then we got some food. And we didn't do anything. Well, not much anyway."

Remembering that kiss, it felt like a whole lot more than nothing. But Sarah didn't need those details.

"OH MY GOD KAY!"

"You really have to stop yelling down the phone like that. It was a really great time."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Don't be stupid Kay, you're not stupid and it doesn't suit you. Did you kiss him? Did you do anything else? No, wait, maybe I don't want to know if you did anything else. But did you?"

"Well we didn't, we just kissed. And it was amazing. Sarah, I was so happy."

She didn't need to know how immensely horny the whole thing had made me.

"So? Are you going to see him again?"

"Yes, well, I guess so. Hopefully."

I explained how we hadn't swapped numbers, and I'd left mine where he worked but hadn't heard from him, and so why I was ultimately feeling like crap.

"But you said he doesn't work there at weekends right? So he'll get it on Monday. Don't worry about it."

We talked some more about my date, and about me telling my family about it, all the time avoiding giving her too many details, but she felt like she had some so everyone was happy.

"So what about college? Are you going to come out at college?"

"I don't know. I feel like it shouldn't be a thing, and it's not really anyone else's business."

"Yes, totally, of course. But you know that's not how college works, right?"

"Yeah, I know. And when I'm ready, and when I choose, I'll tell people."

She stopped asking questions, eventually, and left me alone with my thoughts once again. I'm not sure which was better. Another restless night of poor quality sleep and dreams of Jake, and it's Monday morning, with a whole week of classes ahead of me.

I deliberately walked a different way to college so that I didn?t have to pass the coffee shop. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea, because I then changed my mind and detoured back, so it took me longer than ever. Jake wasn't there. His Dad was behind the counter, I don't think he saw me, or if he did he didn't acknowledge me. And I still didn't really understand what was going on with him so I decided best not go in and find out. College was tedious. Like properly tedious.

Everything felt wrong. I was doing the wrong subjects, I was in the wrong clubs and groups, and I had the wrong friends. In fact, did I even have proper friends? Sarah excluded, everyone else, they were not really like actually friends. The weird thing about being the popular guy at college, is that it's surprisingly lonely. Most people are not actually your friend, they just want to be associated with you. Well fuck them. This had to change.

I was feeling annoyed by the whole thing by lunch time, so I really didn't want to be around people as things usually happen. So, partly out of desperation to get away from the usual crowds, and partly because I had a genuine need, I did something I have never done before. I went to see the guidance counsellor. I know, right? Get me. I didn't get anywhere near the whole being gay thing, but I thought maybe she could offer me something useful in terms of dealing with my friends, or lack of, and feeling out of place. I was wrong, she was totally useless. I barely hid my amused contempt when she suggested that maybe I could join the drama group of one of the singing clubs. Seriously? It's not fucking Glee. But it did take care of most of lunchtime, so I guess it still served some sort of purpose.

By the time I finished classes in the afternoon, I was feeling all over the place. Confused, sad, angry, happy, worried, nervous, all kinds of stuff. I had changed my mind throughout he day several times, but ended up deciding that I would go into the coffee shop after college as usual.

There was a complicated mix of 'fuck you, even if you hate me I'm still coming to your shop' and 'oh god, please don't hate me, I hope everything is going to be alright'. I walked in with a totally fake confident attitude, which stopped as abruptly as my walking as soon as Jake turned to look at me. Damn, he is truly beautiful when he smiles like that. I mentally played out what it would be like if I just leapt over the counter and kissed him. Perhaps a bit over-dramatic? So I didn't. I carried on walking up to the counter, closer to Jake. He was holding something in his hand, and I didn?t understand until I got right up close.

"So I got your number. Thanks."

I looked down, and there it was, the piece of paper the weekend girl had scribbled my number on. Crinkled from being wet and then drying out again, and stained with what was presumably coffee. Coffee seemed like a good guess, given the environment. You could make out the 07 at the beginning of my number, and the rest was just a messy washed out blur of ink and coffee. I laughed, partly out of relief.

"I was upstairs, you could just have asked Kelly to call me, I'd have come down."

"Oh, well I wasn't sure. But I guess I know why I didn't hear from you."

"Yeah, sorry. I actually looked up your home number but I didn't want to look like a stalker, or accidentally make things really awkward for you."

"No, actually it would have been OK."

"Just to be clear Kaiden, there wouldn't have been any other reason for you not to hear from me."

Jake started to make my coffee, and then turned back towards me.

"Sorry, I assumed you were staying, for coffee? The usual?"

"That would be great, thanks."

"Go sit down, I'll bring it over."

So I did. A few minutes later and there he was, standing next to me, having just put my latte on the table.

"So here's my number" he said, passing me a piece of paper. I was immediately putting it into my phone, and then realised that he was still there, and felt like I was being rude.

"Oh god, sorry, I wasn't thinking...." Realising that I hadn't paid, I pulled out my wallet and found a five pound note.

"Oh, no, you don't owe anything."

"Really?"

"Well, can I see you again on Friday?"

"Yes! I mean, sure."

"Cool, then no, you definitely don't owe anything. It feels wrong to charge my boyf.... you, for coffee."

He was definitely going a little red, which actually I was really happy about. To see that he was even slightly embarrassed or self conscious was a relief as he'd been super-humanly confident so far. Mildly awkward silence ensued, and for a few seconds at least, I didn't feel a need to help him out of it.

"So I'll come by at seven again?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. I thought maybe we could...."

"No. My turn this time."

Although exactly why I said that remains unclear, as I didn't have the faintest idea about what would make an ideal, or even a good second date.

"OK."

He was back to his awesome smile face again. I like that face. I like the rest of him too. A lot.

Suddenly it felt awkward again. He was obviously going to have to go back to work, and almost everything indicated that what would be a completely normal and appropriate thing to do would be to kiss him.

Except my head wasn't quite up to speed with this. No, you see, that's still not true. I just wasn't sure I was comfortable kissing him in public, albeit three complete strangers who as far as I knew weren't paying us any attention. I think Jake picked up on my dilemma, and just briefly touched my arm whilst giving me a look before walking away. The look, I think, was one of 'OK, it's entirely up to you, so if kissing is too much right now then that's cool with me, but just so you know, I'm totally up for it whenever you are.' That's quite a lot to infer from a look isn't it? Maybe a good part of that is just in my own head. I felt terrible. I wanted to tell him, to apologise, to explain, it?s not that I didn't want to kiss him. It was just.... what? What was it, exactly?

I just didn't have to balls to do it. I was too scared that someone might see us, see me, and I just didn't know if I could deal with that.

Which made me not a very great person.

He didn't look to be annoyed by this, In fact, he looked like a happy carefree guy, who smiled at me whenever our eyes met, which seemed to happen much more than usual. It wasn't until I was well in to writing up my journal for the day, and actually for the whole weekend too because my head wasn't anywhere near able to process usefully until now, that I realised what had happened just a few minutes earlier. He called me his boyfriend. OK, so he nearly called me his boyfriend. Fuck. That suddenly felt serious. And scary. Because, what.....? Because I was inherently a shit boyfriend, because I couldn't even kiss him. I mean, for fuck sake, we're inside. There's three other people here, who I don't really know. What's the problem? And if I felt like that, he must be thinking even worse. This was never going to work.

I finished my coffee, hurriedly, packed up my bag and make a quick exit whilst Jake was serving someone. Fortunately, I'd only been running towards home for a minute or two before sense belatedly took a hold of me and whacked me around the head a few times with a giant frying pan. I think I watched too many cartoons when I was younger. What was I doing?

Oh yes, I'm literally running away from my problems. I stopped running and briefly wondered how this would sound if I explained it to someone in ten years time, already knowing that I was behaving like an idiot loser. So I turned around.

"Hey?"

"I'm sorry...."

"OK. For what?"

"Because you said.... well you didn't say.... but nearly, and then I thought..... and I wanted to..... but couldn't, and so...... And then I thought that..... well, I should...... Fuck, I sound even more stupid now. You have no idea what I'm talking about do you."

"Not really. You want to tell me?"

I looked around the room. No, not really. At least, not there. He noticed.

"OK, hang on."

Jake picked up the phone and waited a few seconds. I mean, I assume he didn't just wait, it was probably ringing somewhere else.

'Dad, can you cover for me?' 'I don't know.' 'No, of course not.' 'Yes, cool, OK.' 'Erm....' Jake looked directly at me. 'Yes, it is.'

A minute later, Jake's Dad appears, and stares at me like I'm the fucking devil or something.

"Are you sure you're OK?" His question was obviously directly solely at Jake.

"Yes! So try and be nice, OK? I told you."

His Dad gave me the most unconvincing smile ever as Jake led me behind the counter, through the door and upstairs. Almost immediately, which I know is stupid, we were in a different world. I mean, obviously we were, we were in their house now, not the shop. But it looked different, it felt different, it smelt different. Like I said, obviously. Jake pulled out a couple of chairs and we sat at the kitchen table, on either side of one corner.

"OK, so try explaining whatever it is again, only this time, whole sentences would be really helpful."

I took a deep breath. Out of nowhere I was feeling intensely emotional.

"So, earlier, downstairs, I just got freaked out and I really wanted to, but I just couldn't, and then I felt terrible, and I know I must seem like I'm being really needy but I...."

I didn't get to even properly start my explaining, because Jake was kissing me. Holding my hand, touching my face, kissing me like he really meant it. I swear when he kisses me I'm transported to a different place. A minute or so later he pulled away, and I just stared at him, not fully understanding what this all meant.

"I'm sorry" he said, "I was wrong, you don't ever need to explain to me."

"But...."

"No, I mean it. I trust you Kaiden, and it's OK. I get it. I've had my whole life to get used to the person I am, and you're just getting started. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to do something. You don't."

"You're not going to be saying that forever though are you?"

"I definitely hope not, but I'll keep telling you for as long as I need to. And that doesn't mean to you have to everything in the first two weeks either."

"I've never met anyone like you Jake."

"That might be a good thing."

His smile was back, burrowing it's way into me, infecting me with his happiness.

"Look, I could easily spend all night with you, but I have to get back downstairs. So Friday?"

"Yes, definitely. And I've got your number, I'll probably message you before then."

"I hope so. Oh, and Friday, can we make it 8 instead of 7?"

"Yes, OK?"

"It's just, I usually help out a bit setting up for the Friday night music stuff."

"OK, no problem."

We went back downstairs, and Jake's dad made no effort at all to stop me from hearing him as he spoke to Jake.

"Are you OK?"

"Yes Dad, totally fine."

His Dad looked over to me, again.

"Are you sure? I won't have you..."

"Dad! I said I'm fine."

I'd hung back slightly, not wanting to be there, but I'd have to walk right past them to get out of the shop, so a discreet distance seemed appropriate. Then Jake looked over to me and waved his hand, indicating that I should go over. Into the lion's den or what?

"Dad, this is Kaiden, who I told you about, and I know you met him already, but you should meet him properly. He's going to be around a bit more, hopefully."

Jake looked towards me, smiling but also looking slightly more vulnerable than usual.

"Kaiden, this is my Dad, who sometimes gets a bit over-protective, but he's nice really."

To say that his silence was one of suspicion and mistrust would be to totally miss the point. I think this guy actually hated me. But he was polite enough to at least make a token effort to appear polite and smile.

"OK then, nice to meet you. I'll see you on Friday Jake?"

"Sure."

I left, quickly. His Dad scared me a bit. Quite a bit really. But by the time I got home, I'd all but forgotten about that and was mostly just focussing on the fact that I had Jake's number now, and that we were going out again on Friday. Only four days away. I was just in time for dinner.

"You have a good day then Kay?"

Mum, opens with at least some attempt at subtlety.

"Yes, thanks, I have."

"You seem a little more.... relaxed? As if maybe something good has happened?"

I think Josh must have inherited his total lack of subtly from my dad, because Dad was rubbish at not saying what was on his mind, even when he thought he was hiding it really well.

"I guess I am, yes, and it has."

"So you're boyfriend hasn't dumped you then?"

Ah, there it is, Josh and his oh so gentle approach.

"No, Josh, he hasn't. And Jake isn't my boyfriend. He's just, well, a boy."

"Yeah right, whatever Kay. But he totally is."

If it had just been the two of us I would have told him to fuck off, but we don't talk like that in front of Mum and Dad. So I just gave him a 'fuck off' look. Mostly because he might have been right. We hadn't talked about it, Jake and me, but I suppose he was my boyfriend. When does that happen exactly? How many times do you need to see someone before they're your boyfriend? There should be rules about this sort of thing, it would make it much easier.

I'd managed to put off messaging Jake until I was in bed. I'm not sure why, exactly, but it was something to do with making it real I think. As soon as I messaged him, and presumably he would message me back, there would be a record of it, of us. I know it's just a chat history on my phone, but it would be there. I had this sense of there then being evidence, proof of our developing relationship. So far, this evidence only existed physically in the disjointed and often non-sensical connections I made in my journal. This would be different, more explicitly stated, easier to understand, no room for interpretation or conjecture. Why did this matter? Was I feeling scared about being in a relationship? Ashamed, of who I am? Frightened, of what might happen if other people got hold of this incriminating information? To my own shame and internal disgust at myself, I knew that all of these things were at least partially true. Not quite as OK with the person I am after all then? No, apparently not, not by a long way. Despite everything that had happened so far, this was still the last moment I could back out, walk away, and deny what I knew to be true, at least, it was the last moment to do that with relative ease. That was how it felt.

I went to get my journal to help me sort this out, but realised that I didn't need to do that. I just went through in my head how the conversation with Scott would go at my next therapy session. He would listen, patiently, clarifying my disordered account, and then, invariably, would ask me something like 'so you do want to, but it feels really difficult?' or 'so if you walk away now, how do you imagine you'll feel in six weeks? or in 6 months?'. The answers in this case were very easy to find within myself. Yes, I want to, and yes, it feels difficult. And if I walk away now, I'll feel stupid, but most of all, I'll regret it, for what feels like will be forever. OK then. I want to. I can. I'll regret it forever if I don't. Sounds obvious doesn?t it?

So why didn't it feel obvious? Or just easier? I know why, of course.

It's everyone else. I don't mean it's everyone else's fault, I'm not trying to avoid responsibility for this. But I'll have to deal with everyone else, most of all, at college. How exactly do I do that? And then I remembered to think about Jake. He was important. This wasn't just some sort of theoretical exercise, he was real. And how I felt about him whenever I saw him or thought about him was also real. Very real. Which was enough to win. More than enough. I messaged him. I had second thoughts as soon as I'd pressed the button on the screen, but it was too late then. He replied almost immediately, and we started to chat. For a couple of hours. It felt right, I knew that, and I quickly forgot about all of the doubts and worries I had.

Tuesday morning, arriving at college, I was, again, feeling like a whole new person. That seems to happen a lot just recently, but I suppose there are a lot of things changing. To be honest, I don't think it happened straight away. In fact, I know it didn't. On the way in I was feeling nervous, although I couldn't even begin to explain what about, because I didn?t know. But when I got in, there was something about the normality of it all, of college I mean, it was so familiar that I felt as though I could probably deal with anything. My nervousness sort of evaporated, leaving me feeling confident, secure, and just generally really OK. This probably looked a lot like other people usually think I am, so maybe no-one else noticed, but I did.

Surprisingly, it was actually a really good rest of the week at college.

Sarah wasn't too intense in her never ending quest for knowledge of my new found sexuality, and everyone else seemed less annoying that I thought they were going to be. Of course I still hadn't actually told anyone I was gay. But that didn't really matter. Because I knew. I don't know if that really makes much sense, but because I knew, then it felt as though I was walking around college, being gay. Because I was.

In classes, in the dining hall, on the field, in the changing rooms, everywhere, I was being gay. Well not 'being' gay, it?s not something I can turn on and off, I just am. So no-one else knew, yet, but that didn?t matter. Several times I got the sense that I was practicing being gay in college, and maybe I was. Maybe I was just getting used to this new version of me. Whatever it was, it felt OK. Even whilst deliberately not telling anyone, it was still easier than trying to pretend to myself that I was straight. That already felt like a lifetime ago.

In many ways, things seemed to move quickly for me. After a couple of days of this, and a really helpful therapy session, I decided on Friday morning that I wasn't going to lie about who I am. Now don't go getting all carried away, this is still far removed from actively telling anyone.

Sort of. But if someone came up and said 'hey, Kay, are you gay?', I'd say 'yes', and then probably add 'and what the fuck does it matter to you?'. Of course it was highly unlikely that anyone would just randomly ask me something like that, so it wasn't a particularly bold or brave move on my part. And there was still lots of room left for not lying but also maybe still not actively telling people. 'She's hot isn't she?' - well, yes, maybe she is, so it's not a lie is it? No-one else would then follow up their answer with a further qualifying statement about the even hotter boy standing next to her. No-one I know anyway. Whatever, I'm not here to convince you, judge me if you want, but it was big head shift for me. And I'd made it to the end of the week without incident.

So I suppose that I know I'm still hiding. I think about it as surviving to the end of the week, avoiding problems, and successfully negotiating social situations and conversations. It's much harder work than I thought it was going to be and also still sounds far too adversarial for it to be a good thing. And yes, I know, for lots of reasons there are many thousands of people that have to live like that every day of their lives. And I felt guilty about that, because I didn't have to, I was choosing to. To be honest, I knew almost immediately that this wasn't go to be a sustainable idea for me, it was far too difficult, it felt all wrong, and it really shouldn't be that big of a deal who I happen to love. Yes, Jake was part of this too. Whatever my own thoughts and feelings about being gay and other people knowing it, I couldn't really imagine any long term future for the two of us if I was going to try and hide this part of myself from everyone else. And I was ? imagining a long term future.

Friday night is date night. I love that, even if it's just for me, in my own head. It's not the sort of thing I'd actually say out loud. Over the week I'd been going through various options for where we should go.

Where I should take Jake, for our second date. His choices were jut so perfect last week, it felt hard to live up to. I wanted our second date to be fun, but also serious enough to say 'I'm really serious about this, about you'. Relaxed, definitely, but also socially safe. It's all great to talk about how I know I want to basically come out to everyone, but the reality is a totally different feeling. My self-imposed rule of not lying about who I am, and by implication, who Jake is, seemed far more likely to be tested if we went to places where people from college go.

But avoiding that many people is also a near impossible task for any length of time. People have jobs, and go out, so I knew it wasn't really going to last very long, but just one more week wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I also wanted to get to know him more. We'd been messaging quite a bit over the week, but actually seeing each other and talking seemed like a much better option, so I ruled out going to the cinema. Sitting in silence for two hours isn't really a great way to get to know each other more is it?

In the end I decided on a really cool little bar I know called West Coast, it's bleeding edge trendy, but also really friendly and relaxed.

They sell the best beers ever, loads of imported stuff from America that you just can't buy anywhere else, and no, not Bud Light. The music is always good, and the food, if we wanted to eat, is also great, and very casual. There was a compromise though. Maybe more than one. But every option I had come up with had compromises somewhere. That makes this place sound like the least worst option, and that is unfair, it's a great place. But I sort of know a couple of people that work there. Not like we're actually friends or anything, but we know each other's names. I felt guilty for even worrying about this stuff, but it's scarier than I'd imagined.

We were planning on meeting at 8, and I was about ten minutes early. The coffee shop was really busy, as it was last week, and clearly the setting up was already completed because there was a band playing. Calling them a band might not be totally accurate, but a guy singing and playing guitar, another guitarist and a drummer. So maybe it's a band. What do I know? It looked, and sounded, a but more 'serious' than last week though. There was proper speakers and stuff. And unlike last week, I spotted Jake straight away. He was sat with a few people next to the people playing. He looked incredible. Happy, relaxed, smiling, chatting casually, he looked like he totally belonged. I was surprisingly jealous, both of the people he was with, for being with him, and of him, for having that world where you totally belong and fit in. I reminded myself that it was all supposition, but still couldn't help myself from making comparisons to how my world felt. I didn't have those things, the people or places where I truly felt I belonged. That sounds far more dramatic than it really was. I flash of jealous self-pitying sadness is all it was. Followed by happiness at seeing him again. Which is just as stupid because I'd seen him every day after college this week, in the shop, just like usual. In fact he was sitting close to where my table would be, had it not been cleared for the evenings entertainment. I stood and watched him for a few moments. I'd not seen him with his friends before, I presumed they were friends, he definitely looked as though he was with friends. Laughing, joking, enthusiastically applauding the guys playing. People were still clapping, a few were taking the brief opportunity to get more drinks, and in the midst of it all Jake looked up, finding me almost immediately. His smile was immediately twice as big as it was before, and he was on his feet, waving me over towards him. As I picked my way around the room towards him, I watched him lean down and say something to a couple of the guys he was with, who both made no effort to hide looking right up at me almost immediately.

Because I'm not, apparently, very good at this sort of thing, it wasn't until I was standing next to Jake that I realised that it was weird and awkward. Not from him, of course, but from me. What should I do? I wanted to kiss him and at the same time, didn't feel like I could, in front of everyone like that. I didn't have time to make a decision because Jake pulled me in for a hug, which was almost as good, and he didn't seem to be concerned about the lack of a kiss. At the same time, his friends had stood up, standing either side of him. We stopped hugging after the 'just slightly too long to be friends' stage, and I was confronted by what at a glance looked like Jake's bodyguards. Both guys were obviously in great shape, and they weren't exactly being unfriendly, or looking mean, or anything like that. But they intimidated me slightly. The moment passed in a second or so, and we were all sitting down again.

"Guys, this is Kaiden. And this is James and Ben."

Jake indicated which was which as he spoke, and we slightly awkwardly shook hands. It was both an exciting and nervous moment, sitting there.

I've never felt quite so much that I'm in someone else's world, not my own. Usually, I'm very much in 'my' world. Everyone knows me, I'm the middle of whatever is going on of any importance whatsoever, and it's been like that for years. Even if it doesn't feel real for me any more.

But there, I was basically no-one. I was the slightly weird guy that the cool kid had inexplicably brought along to the party. Oh god, Jake was just like a nicer version of me, and this is his world. Do all of those other people feel like this around me? Probably even worse, because there's no way I'm as nice as Jake is. I felt bad for all of those other people. I was about to say something to Jake, but was cut off before I even started by Ben leaning across us whilst checking the time on his watch.

"So Jake?"

"Yes! OK, OK. Maybe." Jake sounded resigned about whatever he was agreeing to, but in a friendly way. Ben sat back, raising his eyebrows at Jake.

"Kaiden? Are we OK to stay here for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, sure, if you want."

What could I say? It wasn't like I had a table booked or anything, so it really wasn't a problem, even if it wasn't what I was expecting.

"Yes?" Ben asked Jake.

"Fine."

Ben stood up and walked over to the microphone.

"OK, before he's taken away from us all night ? again ? here's, well, you all know who the fuck he is."

Jake leaned closer to me, his lips brushing my ear as he talked.

"I'm sorry, I promise we won't be long."

I was confused, and then even more confused when Jake stood up and walked over to the microphone.

"Hey" he said, and there was a ripple of applause. Well fuck me. Jake exchanged some brief words with the other two musicians, picked up an acoustic guitar, sat on a stool, and started to play. I don't know much about playing guitar, but he seemed pretty good. He was playing what I supposed to be a long intro to something which seemed a bit all over the place, and seemed to drift into a song. And then he started to sing.

Just him, singing, and playing guitar, and he was fucking amazing. His voice changed somehow. He still sounded like Jake that I knew, but there was this whole new thing going on now, much of it significantly higher pitched than his usual slightly rumbly tone that gets into my chest. I was transfixed, partly out or surprise, and partly in awe. I later found out the song was called Satisfied Mind. He didn't really stop playing, and just carried straight on in to another song, which was much richer sounding, with the other guy playing an electric guitar and then the drummer coming in a moment later. It was like something from another world as far as I was concerned, as he sang Mojo Pin. This is music that I've never heard before, but I'll be eternally grateful to Jake for introducing me to Jeff Buckley. Seriously, if you don't know it, you should look it up. Jakes' guitar skills were enviable enough, but the real surprise was his voice. I've seriously never, ever, heard anything quite like it. More applause as this came to an end. He was really good.

"And now, as they say, for something completely different. Don't judge me too harshly, I love music really, so 'm sorry for inflicting this on you. And, sorry for the blatant self indulgence, I'll let you get back to your night after this."

As Jake was talking, he had exchanged looks with Ben, who had now taken over the second guitar, but didn't look to have any idea what was about happen. Jake started to play through a few chords, which I felt like I recognised, but couldn't quite place. You might know the feeling, particularly when someone is playing a song you've heard a million times before, but it's acoustic and different and softer, it didn't make sense straight away. Ben was looking at him like he was totally crazy, and a couple of people actually quietly laughed in the audience. It was good natured, and presumably they were ahead of the curve in spotting the song, at least further ahead than I was. Embarrassingly, there was no doubt at all about one thing, Jake was looking directly at me, only at me. It was thrilling, and also terrifying.

"I could stay awake....." oh god, seriously, no. Really? Ben punched me on the arm. So apparently he knew.

"...just to hear you breathing." Fuck. It was hilarious and awful, and sweet and cheesy as fuck, and somehow a little bit awesome too. My Mum has that Aerosmith album and she played it non-stop for about 6 months, so the song clicked in to place as soon as I heard the words.

I'm sure that many of the maybe a hundred people in that room just though this was a bit of randomness for whatever reason. A few people could see what was happening, in that Jake was, most definitely, singing to me.

And I was moving between laughing, cringing, and smiling, and generally still being in total admiration of this side of Jake I had no idea about before, but never letting my eyes move away from his. When he had finished there was some self-aware over-enthusiasm from much of the audience, but things quickly settled back into the previous casual feeling as Jake walked back over towards me, with Ben following behind.

They both sat back where they had been earlier, and Jake was looking at me.

"Too much?" He asked.

I finally did what I should have done nearly half an hour ago and kissed him.

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