Disclaimer:
The usual disclaimers apply -- i.e. The story describes sexual relationships, sometimes explicit, between consenting male adults. If this offends you, you are not interested in such material, or if you are not of legal age to access such material you are advised to direct your web browser to another page. Although the situations described are based upon my own experiences, the story should be considered a work of fiction. Blah, Blah, Blah! You've all heard this stuff before!
And now I have a question for you the readers. I have been asked a couple of different times about starting a Yahoo Group for the story to notify when new parts are released and maybe as a forum for the readers to talk amongst themselves. I have mixed emotions about this. First of all, I really don't know if my story really warrants having a Group to itself. Second, I'm really not sure how much use a Group would have. I admit, I'm lazy so I really don't like the idea of starting a group if only a few people use it. Have I mentioned I'm lazy? I'm not diametrically opposed to the idea though. Enough people have asked about it that I'm at least open to the idea. So, I want to hear from you on whether you want me to start a Group or not. Not that I'm promising I will, but it will help me make a decision if I hear your input.
Now that I have that out of the way, let me say that this is the eighth of several planned installments. As I expected, and I believe predicted in my previous posting, this part also took me a long time to write. I want to thank all of you who have been patiently waiting for me to continue. Your support and kind words have made it a little easier for me to face remembering some of these events. And even though I didn't enjoy writing this particular part, and I don't imagine I'm going to like writing the next few parts either, I am still determined to continue relating the story. I don't take those kinds of commitments lightly. I said it in the previous posting, and I believe it is still true, that I believe the next few chapters are darker than previous chapters. I still believe that relating these events are important for a deeper understanding of the characters. I may not like it, but I think it's important to the reader. Ok! Enough of the editorializing!
I hope/plan to add more installments as time permits but the time frames between postings will probably be longer than what they were in the past. I welcome, actually I love feedback, both positive and negative as long as constructive, and comments, suggestions or questions can be directed to me at gandersn@gte.net. Now, onto the story...
It was happening again. Zach knew it but he couldn't stop it. He saw the same room full of people, those who were so important in his life. He felt the same sense of impending doom. The same sense of increasing panic loomed. The same feelings of being totally surrounded and still utterly alone overwhelmed him. The scene was so totally familiar, he had been a part of it so many times in the past. Granted, there were always minor variations, subtle changes, occasionally new cast members, but the overall drama was always the same.
Zach struggled to wake, to pull his thoughts back to consciousness before the end. Even though he knew it was just a dream, he didn't want to face it. Not again! He couldn't bear to hear those words again. He couldn't stand for the dream to reach its ultimate conclusion. Please just let him wake up!
Alex looked right past Zach, ignoring his presence, walking right by him towards the circle of people. (Please wake up. Please! Just this once wake up!) Zach's mind was reeling. If Alex had stopped and repeatedly punched him in the stomach it would have felt better than the cold indifference with which he passed. Zach could feel the knots returning to his stomach, the bile churning in his belly and burning at his throat, and the hated tears forming in his eyes.
"Alex! Stop. Please talk to me!" Zach pleaded, begging to be acknowledged. Why was Alex doing this? Why was he acting so cold? (Please! Wake up damn it! Please not again! PLEASE! WAKE UP! PLEASE!)
Alex turned and looked at Zach, scorn across his face, his eyes cruel and impatient. (NO! Wake up damn it! WAKE THE FUCK UP! PLEASE! Don't let him say those words! PLEASE!) "Oh get over yourself. Why the fuck would I want to talk to you? You didn't think I really loved you did you? You're pathetic!"
Zach jerked his eyes open at last, but too late. Those hated words echoing through his mind once again, haunted him with their intensity. "No," he whispered, confused and disoriented as he tried to sort between reality and nightmares once more.
"Another bad dream?" Alex asked from the driver's seat. Alex glanced over at Zach slumped against the passenger side door. A look of concern and worry crossed his face even as he turned back to watch the road. Zach was quiet for a few minutes and finally responded by simply shaking his head yes. Alex remained quiet for a few moments, hesitating to ask since he already knew what Zach's response would be. "Do you want to talk about it?
Zach stiffened and cringed even more into the door he was slumped against, pulling away from this invasion into his space. No he didn't want to talk about it! He wanted like hell to forget it. He wanted never to remember or have those dreams ever again. Zach glanced over at Alex with fire in his eyes and sarcastic retorts on his tongue. The anger died in him though when he saw the look of concern on Alex's face. Zach simply shook his head no and turned back to stare out the passenger window.
The silence hung heavily between the two for a few miles, each of them reluctant to speak. Finally Alex broke the silence. "Zach, you've been having bad dreams every time you go to sleep since before Christmas. I don't think you've slept more than a couple of hours a night since. School starts in two days. How do you think you're gonna make it on just a couple hours sleep? Please talk to me. Let me help."
Zach continued staring out the window in silence for several minutes. His inner demons tearing his soul to shreds as he struggled to come up with a way to explain to Alex. Zach so desperately wanted to talk to Alex, to make him understand, but those same demons warned him away. Those demons warned him that Alex would never understand. He couldn't. If he opened up then Alex might hate him. He might lose Alex all together. The demons laughed at him, reminding him that they had warned he would regret loving Alex.
Finally Zach sighed, his shoulders slumping even more if possible. "They're just dreams Alex," he said wearily. "I've had them all my life, sometimes worse than others. They'll go away eventually. They always do." Zach turned and gave Alex a weak smile. "Really, I'll be ok."
Alex frowned unhappily and Zach cringed inwardly at the hurt look in Alex's eyes. Why did he keep hurting Alex? Why couldn't he just let Alex in? The last few miles to their campus apartment were spent in uncomfortable silence.
Alex turned off the engine but made no move to get out. Instead he stared out the front window for a few seconds. Finally, he turned to Zach an apologetic look in his eyes. "I'm sorry Zach. I promised you I wouldn't push you and it seems that's all I ever do. I wish..." Alex trailed off for a couple of seconds before speaking again. "I wish you'd let me help you. But you can tell me when you're ready. I'll try to be patient."
Zach smiled gratefully back at Alex. He was upset with himself for hurting Alex so, but thankful that Alex was willing to let it drop, at least for now. Zach knew he couldn't keep hurting Alex though. He knew he was going to have to eventually open up, to trust Alex. Zach knew he couldn't keep pushing Alex away and still hope to build any kind of relationship.
By the time Zach hobbled out of the car Alex had already managed to make it around the car to help Zach with his crutches and navigate into their apartment. "Here ya go slow poke," Alex teased Zach, deliberately forcing his voice to take on a bantering tone as he handed Zach his crutches.
"Sure, kick a guy when he's down!" Zach retorted, smiling as the tension was eased. The two of them slowly made their way towards their apartment. They hadn't even made it half way when the door to James' apartment swung open and James and Cindy came walking towards them.
"Hey welcome back to hell you two!" James yelled out his greeting to them. Then he noticed Zach's crutches. "What the hell happened to you? You look like shit!"
"Thanks! You always say the sweetest things!" Zach taunted, grinning at his friends. "We were in a car accident and I broke my leg and got some cuts and bruises."
"That sucks!" James said, shaking his head. "You guys will have to tell me about it later tonight. I've got to go, I'm prolly gonna be late for work as it is. See ya!"
"See ya," Cindy, Alex and Zach echoed waving as James left. The three of them made their way into the guys' apartment with Cindy hovering over Zach the entire way and Zach repeatedly rolling his eyes. "Ok you two," Cindy insisted after they got inside. "Out with it! Let's hear the story. What happened?"
Zach sank gratefully into a chair. "I already told ya, we were in a car accident." Cindy started glaring at him. "Alright, alright. The day after my birthday I was a little depressed so I had a few beers. I guess I got a little drunk..."
"Wait a minute!" Cindy nearly shouted. "YOU got drunk? You never drink!"
"Yeah, well, special occasion I guess," Zach mumbled. "Anyway, I wanted to go for a ride and Alex wouldn't let me drive so he drove me around. A deer ran out in front of us, we hit it and flipped the car. I got banged up pretty bad I guess, had some pretty nasty cuts in addition to this broken leg." Zach smiled mischievously at Alex. "Alex must have felt guilty or something cause he's been playing nursemaid ever since!"
"Yeah, screw you asshole!" Alex laughed back. "You just want another sponge bath is all! You sure seemed to enjoy the first one!"
Cindy's eyes narrowed at that comment and she glanced from one to the other. Then she started smiling. "So I take it the two of you finally got around to telling each other how you felt about each other. It's about time!"
Alex's mouth opened in astonishment and his eyes went a little wild. "What? How...?" was all he could stammer.
Zach's reaction was even worse. His eyes widened in horror and shock. His face went completely white and a look of pure panic and terror crossed his face. He bolted up from his chair, his hands trembling. "It's not...We're not...You...How could...I'm not..." Zach stammered, trailing off before he could finish any of his thoughts.
Zach's eyes went even wider as he realized that Cindy knew. She knew! He couldn't deny it, she already knew. Zach grabbed his crutches, struggling to try and escape. His only thought was to get away, to escape Cindy's eyes. He fumbled with his crutches for a few moments before flinging them away in frustration and stumbled as fast as he could out the front door.
Zach could hear Alex's and Cindy's voices following him but he couldn't understand any of what they said. He stumbled to the end of the porch, needing to escape, to flee, the blood pounding so hard through his body he could barely even hear. His entire body was shaking, trembling so hard it hurt. His stomach was churning, tying itself into knots. All at once, his legs buckled, he dropped to his knees and his stomach began to spasm and he started to vomit. Zach continued to heave long after he emptied the meager contents of his stomach.
For several long minutes, Zach continued to lean over the side of the porch not yet trusting that his stomach was done emptying itself. His body continued to tremble with the aftermath and he remained on his knees not sure that he had the strength to support himself yet. He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight to try and regain a little control, to summon a little peace.
Slowly, as Zach calmed slightly, he felt a presence behind him. He could feel it waiting patiently, not wanting to intrude yet, waiting to lend strength and support. As his trembling slowly subsided, he could feel the hands reach out to rub his back comfortingly, letting him know it was ok. Like so many times in the past.
"Do you feel better now?" Cindy asked. "Are you done throwing up?"
Zach nodded his head weakly. "There's nothing left to come up," he answered. Cindy sat down on the porch next to him, continuing to rub his back and Zach leaned his head against her shoulder. They were quiet for a few minutes and Zach thought back, remembering all the times in the past when Cindy had been there for him.
"I didn't handle that too well did I?" Zach asked after a few more minutes. He laughed a little ruefully. "I don't know why I thought I could hide anything from you -- you know me much to well for me to keep secrets from you. I guess I wasn't ready to be confronted with someone knowing yet. Not even you."
Cindy smiled at him and hugged him closely. "It's ok. I've known for a long time Zach -- that you're gay I mean. And I've known since the first time I saw the two of you together how you felt about Alex. I probably knew before you did. At first I was really worried about how you felt about him. I didn't want you to get hurt. But I figured out how he felt about you the night of the Halloween Party." Cindy started to laugh lightly. "I thought he was going to slug me when I kissed you that night. And earlier, when I kissed him, well I thought he was going to pass out on me or something."
Zach smiled wistfully. "Well, you could have told me how he felt instead of letting me suffer."
Cindy smiled sadly at Zach. "Would you have listened to me? Would you have believed me if I had told you that he loved you? Zach, you never believe anyone likes you. You never would have accepted it if I had just told you how he felt."
Zach was quiet for a few seconds thinking. "No, I wouldn't have believed you," he admitted. "I still have a hard time believing it now." Zach opened his eyes and lifted his head from Cindy's shoulder, a sad expression crossing his face. "I guess I fucked up pretty bad this time. He must be pretty mad at me."
Cindy frowned, a little confused. "Huh? Why do you think Alex is mad at you?"
Zach hung his head. "Well, I did just run out of there," he mumbled. "And he didn't come out here to see what was going on. He didn't try to follow me. He must hate me now."
Cindy shook her head in disbelief. "Oh Zach! Alex doesn't hate you. He's not out here because I told him to stay in there and let me deal with it. I kinda insisted." Cindy smiled a little. "Actually, I told him if he tried to follow you out here that I'd knee him in the balls. I had to demonstrate my willingness to do that a little bit."
"Cindy! You didn't!" Zach's eyes widened as Cindy nodded yes. "You did? Shit! Is Alex ok?"
"He's fine," Cindy reassured. Then Cindy started chuckling. "I didn't hit him that hard. Just enough to let him know I was serious. He's a little tender right now, but he'll be ok."
Zach stared at Cindy in horror for a few seconds. Then he sighed and leaned his head back against her shoulder. "Oh Cindy," he said very quietly. "I keep fucking up. I keep hurting him. I keep pushing him away. What am I gonna do?"
Cindy put her arm around Zach, hugging him lightly. "First of all, you're gonna go in there and tell Alex you're sorry for running away. You're gonna tell him you're ok and that you love him. Then you're gonna start trusting him. He's good for you Zach. You need to let him into you life."
Zach smiled wistfully. "I want to Cindy. I just don't know if I can. I've never let anyone get that close to me, not willingly anyway. You're the only one I've ever let get that close and you have to admit you had to fight your way in. I can't help feeling that he's going to end up hating me."
"You've got to try Zach. You've been alone much too long." Then Cindy looked at Zach shrewdly for a few seconds, her eyes narrowing. "You're having your nightmares again aren't you?"
"Damn it Cindy!" Zach said, heating up a little. "What have you got, fucking cameras on me or something?"
"Calm down Zach," Cindy said soothingly. "I know you, and when you get this stressed you start having the nightmares again. Have you told Alex about them?"
Zach fumed for a few seconds. "No," he nearly spat. Zach took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "No," he said a little calmer. "Alex knows I'm having bad dreams, but I haven't told him about them."
"Zach," Cindy said. "You have to start trusting Alex. You have to let him know what's going on. You don't have to tell him everything at once. Start out small, start by telling him stories of growing up. Build up to the nightmares. Build up to the reasons for them."
"I don't know if I can Cindy," Zach mumbled, barely audible. "I don't know if I can tell anybody. You were there, you grew up with me. You know most of what happened, but even you don't know everything. How do I explain that to somebody when I don't understand it myself? How can I hope that he will understand?"
"Alex probably won't understand Zach. Not fully anyway. Only someone who has gone through everything you went through could ever understand. But you're going to have to tell him anyway. Alex can accept it and help you deal with it if you let him." They sat quietly for a few more minutes, the silence acting as a balm. "Come on," Cindy said finally. "Let's go back inside. I'm freezing my ass off sitting on this porch!"
Zach smiled tiredly back at her and then managed to pull himself unsteadily back to his feet. Zach stumbled over to the door with Cindy's help and then paused before opening it up. He resembled a man going to his execution more than he did someone going home. Taking a deep breath, Zach pulled open the door and stepped in.
The first thing Zach saw upon entering was Alex sitting and staring at the door with a sad, concerned look on his face. Zach could have kicked himself knowing that he had hurt Alex once again. Zach started to hang his head in shame, but then stopped himself, forcing himself to meet Alex's eyes.
"I'm sorry Alex," Zach said so quietly that he could barely be heard. "I'm sorry I ran out. I'm sorry I keep pushing you away. I'm so sorry."
Time seemed to stand still as Alex got up and crossed the room. Zach visibly braced himself and it looked like he was about to bolt once again. Zach clenched his jaw and balled his hands into tight fists, the muscles twitching in his arms he was clenching them so tightly. But even though the panic was visible on his face he maintained constant eye contact with Alex, forcing himself to meet Alex's gaze.
Without a word Alex pulled Zach into a fierce embrace, smothering Zach in his arms. It almost appeared that Alex never intended to let Zach go again. Alex was holding Zach so tight that it almost hurt, but Zach didn't care. Zach felt that he could have been perfectly content to remain in Alex's arms for the rest of his life. He finally had someone who loved him and at least for this brief moment, he was content.
It was later that night and Zach was lying in his bed just staring at the ceiling without really seeing it, just remembering the events of the day. The rest of the day had been spent quietly, both Alex and Zach carefully avoiding discussing certain subjects. Cindy had hovered protectively over both of them to the point that Zach was getting ready to strangle her. James had stopped by after work to hear the story of the accident and had even graciously provided the finest cuisine McDonalds had to offer for all of them. Zach related the story of the wreck once again, but carefully avoided any reference to his and Alex's relationship. Finally, Cindy and James left and Zach was alone with Alex.
Zach was thinking about what Cindy had said to him. He knew he had to start opening up with Alex. He knew he had to start trusting Alex if he wanted any kind of relationship at all. It scared him to think those thoughts though. No, it terrified him. Those inner demons of his were having a field day, whispering to him, repeating all his doubts to him. Zach honestly didn't know if he even could open up no matter how much he might want to. But he decided he had to try. And he had to start tonight.
Zach considered Cindy's suggestion of starting small, of starting with just a few stories from his childhood. Zach thought about what he could share with Alex. He wanted to tell him something personal, something few others knew. Zach wanted to start to let Alex see what events had shaped his life, how he had arrived where he was now. The thought of sharing that kind of information worried him, but maybe if he just kept the stories relatively short, he could get through them. Zach wondered if Alex would understand.
Zach was still staring at the ceiling when Alex walked into the bedroom from his shower. Zach turned his head, watching as Alex finished toweling off his hair, trying to decided how to start. "Alex," Zach started quietly. "I uh...I need to talk to you...to tell you some stuff."
Alex turned, hearing the seriousness in Zach's voice. He walked over and took a seat next to Zach on the bed, not really sure where Zach was going. Alex was a little apprehensive over what Zach wanted to talk about. With the roller coaster that Zach's emotions had been on lately, he wasn't sure what Zach would say. He envisioned many scenes and none of them were good.
Zach sat up in the bed, looking down at his lap refusing to meet Alex's eyes for a few minutes. Finally after what seemed an eternity he looked up into Alex's face. "I'm sorry I've been pushing you away Alex. I don't want to. I want to tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling." Zach dropped his eyes back to his lap. "I have a really hard time doing that. I've never been able to let people in. I want to at least try with you though."
Zach looked back up, a small wistful smile on his face. "Actually Cindy told me I had to. She told me I had to start trusting you. I already knew that, I just didn't know how to start. Where to begin. I still don't know, not really. I don't know if I can explain it to you. I don't know if you'll understand. It was my life and I don't understand sometimes. So how can I hope to explain it to someone else? I want to try though."
Zach was beginning to fidget a little. It was obvious he was becoming more nervous the longer he spoke, but he continued. "Cindy made a suggestion. She told me to start small. To just start by telling you a few stories of when I was growing up, what my family life was like. I'm not really sure how that's going to work, but I don't know any other way to start. So let me tell you about a time right before I started fourth grade. It will help you understand a little of the relationship between my parents and me..."
Zach was walking down the street towards his new friend Steve's house. Zach's world was turning upside down again, even more than normal. His family had just moved -- again. He was going to have to change schools. And his sister Lisa had just moved out. Well, if the truth were known, she had actually run away. She was only 17 so she really should still be at home.
Zach wasn't sure what to do with that. Lisa had been almost like a mother to him ever since their real mother had died. Lisa was more of mother than his step mom was anyway, but that wasn't really saying much. She had always been there for him, shielding him from his parents and brother. No matter how bad things got, Lisa had always been there to take care of him. And now she was gone. He hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye.
Zach tore his mind away from that line of thought. It was still too painful to think about. He didn't want to start crying again. He had cried enough, he had to learn to accept that Lisa was gone. He had to learn how to take care of himself now.
Zach wasn't really paying attention to his surroundings as he walked to Steve's house. He was much to wrapped up in his own thoughts to really even notice where he was. So when he heard his name being called he was momentarily confused and had no idea who was speaking to him. When he realized it was Cindy he nearly groaned.
Zach didn't understand Cindy at all. They had just met a few days ago and she had already seemed to think of herself as a close friend. She always wanted him to hang out. Cindy always seemed to want to talk with him and Zach couldn't for the life of him figure out why. If the truth were known, Cindy made him nervous and he didn't know why.
"Hey Zach!" Cindy nearly yelled in excitement. "Where ya going? Are you coming over here?"
A dozen retorts formed on Zach's tongue, but he didn't dare say any of them. He knew how much trouble he would get into if his step mom ever found out he had been rude. (No, he had to stop thinking of her as his step mom. She insisted on just being called mom and he got in trouble anytime he slipped.) "Hi Cindy," Zach said in something less than an enthusiastic voice. "I'm going over to Steve's. He invited me over to hang out for the day."
"Oh," Cindy said, her disappointment obvious in her voice. "Well maybe you can come over to my house later."
Zach nearly rolled his eyes. Why couldn't Cindy take the hint that he didn't want to hang out with her? There were all kinds of girls in the neighborhood and she was always hanging out with them. So why did she seem so intent on being with him? Zach just didn't understand what was going on in Cindy's mind. "Maybe," he said in a neutral tone, trying not to make it sound like a promise. "I better go. I'll talk to ya later," Zach said as he continued on to Steve's house.
That was something else he didn't understand, his friendship with Steve. Zach desperately needed to make new friends. He knew he wasn't really going to have a chance to see any of his old friends, not since he had moved so far away. His new friendship with Steve was wary at best. But they were the only boys their age in the area so it was almost like they had to be friends. Steve was nice enough, but Zach still felt more than a little uncomfortable with him.
Zach grimaced a little as he thought about that. It would help if Steve didn't automatically ask what his brother Mike was doing every time they got together. Steve was supposed to be his friend, not Mike's. Yet every time Steve would ask about Mike, almost like he would prefer to be with Mike instead of him. In fact, Steve seemed to almost idolize Mike and that didn't go unnoticed by Mike either. Most of the time Mike ignored both of them, but occasionally he would talk with Steve. Whenever that happened, the two of them just seemed to naturally exclude Zach in whatever they might be doing.
In a way, Zach halfway understood what was happening. Steve wanted a big brother and Mike seemed to fill those shoes on occasion. There weren't any older boys in the area for Steve to hang out with so Mike seemed like a Godsend to him. But still, Zach couldn't help feeling a little betrayed whenever Steve latched onto Mike. It might have been different if he and Mike had been close or if he had been included when Steve and Mike got together. But Zach knew that just wasn't going to happen, not with the way Mike felt about him.
Zach was still pondering about all of this as he walked up to Steve's door and knocked. Almost before he finished knocking, Steve's mom opened the door. "Hi Zach," she said warmly. "I'm glad you could come over today. Steve is in his room waiting for you."
"Hi Mrs. Ott," Zach greeted her happily. Zach really liked Steve's mom, she always seemed to go out of her way to make sure Zach was comfortable. "Thanks for inviting me over."
"Zach, I wish you would just call me Cathy," Mrs. Ott said. "All the other kids in the neighborhood just call all the moms by their first names. You're going to make us feel positively ancient by being so formal."
Zach blushed a little. "I'm sorry. I'll try to remember, but I've never called a grown up by their first name before. Mom says I should always be respectful and use your last names."
Mrs. Ott laughed warmly and impulsively hugged Zach. "You're a treasure! The other kids could learn some manners from you. Go ahead and go back to Steve's room. He's been driving me crazy waiting for you."
"Thanks Mrs. O...uh, Cathy," Zach said, embarrassed by the compliments. Zach walked back to Steve's room, smiling at the warm feeling he always got whenever he was around Mrs. Ott. In many ways he liked visiting Steve just to get a chance to be around his mom.
"Hey Zach!" Steve yelled as soon as Zach entered his room. "I've been going crazy waiting for you to get here. It's so boring around here. What do you want to do today?"
Zach smiled. "I don't care, whatever you want to do is fine." Zach was still hesitant about making the first suggestion for things to do. He was still getting to know Steve so he still wasn't exactly sure what Steve would think was fun and what he would think was stupid.
Steve thought for barely a second before replying. "Why don't we go outside. Maybe shoot some hoops or something. What's Mike doing? Maybe he can come over and we can play basketball or something."
Zach smothered his instant irritation at Steve and didn't let anything show on his face. "I think he was going into town with some friends. At least he said something about it earlier. But we can still play horse or something."
"Ok, let's go," Steve said. Steve looked really disappointed which just annoyed Zach that much more. Why couldn't Steve just be happy that he came over? Why did he always have to try and include Mike?
Zach quickly suppressed his annoyance and followed Steve outside. The two spent the rest of the day playing basketball although not very seriously. In truth they spent more time talking and joking than they spent playing the game. Late in the afternoon, or more properly, in the early evening Zach decided he better go home before he got in trouble. Although he had received permission to come over from his step mom, he didn't want to give her any excuse to get mad at him.
Zach was feeling pretty happy as he was walking home. The day had been a pretty good one, even if Steve had asked about Mike. Hanging out with Steve had allowed him to set some of his worries aside for the day and that was a welcome relief.
As soon as Zach opened the back door to his home he stopped dead in his tracks. The door opened into what was called by their family the kid's family room, but could just as easily have been called a rec room. The room was huge, holding a pool table, an area for watching television, shelves for the various board games as well as an area where various sports equipment was stored. In addition, the room also had two full desks, one for Zach and one for Mike where they could finish their homework and store items in the various desk drawers. Only now every drawer in Zach's desk had been opened and unceremoniously dumped onto the floor.
Zach stared at the mess on the floor bewildered. Papers and cards were scattered everywhere, many of them tattered and torn from being dumped. Photos of both family and school friends were intermixed and many of them were hopelessly ruined. Small toys and other childhood treasures were strewn about, some broken beyond hope of repair. Zach was so shocked by the sight that he just stood there looking at the mess open mouthed for several minutes.
"I see you finally decided to come home," a cold, dreaded voice said from his side. Zach hated hearing his step mom's voice when she was speaking to him. It always sounded so devoid of compassion whenever she spoke to him. "I've told you to keep your desk clean Zach. Since you wouldn't do it, I dumped everything so you would do it right. Now get this cleaned up."
Zach turned and looked at his step mom still somewhat in a daze. "But everything was put away. There wasn't anything on top of the desk. Everything was inside the drawers and they were closed. Why did you have to throw everything on the ground?"
Fire seemed to flash in his step mom's eyes. "Don't you EVER talk back to me! I said it was a mess. Just because you couldn't see it doesn't mean it wasn't still a mess. Clean this up and for talking back to me you're grounded for a week!" Without even waiting for a reply, Zach's step mom turned and stormed out of the room.
Zach looked at the huge mess, more upset at the destruction of some of his favorite things and papers than at being grounded. Slowly he started sorting through the items and papers making a pile out the things destroyed beyond hope of repair. Those he would simply have to throw away. The other items he started putting back into the desk drawers. Then he abruptly stopped as he uncovered a broken birthday cake candle in the shape of the number two.
Zach slowly picked up the two pieces and closed his eyes trying to keep from crying. That candle had been on the cake from the last birthday he had before his mother died. He didn't really remember that, but his sister had saved the candle for him and had given it to him a few years back. That candle was about the only thing Zach had that had come from his mom and now it was destroyed.
Zach was still staring at the candle when his dad walked around the corner. "Hey Zach, your mom's got dinner on the table. Let's go eat."
Zach quickly hid the candle under a pile of papers and looked up at his father. He wanted so badly to blurt out that she WASN'T his mother. His mother was dead! But Zach knew that would only get him into more trouble. "I'm not hungry," was all he said, barely audible.
Zach's father looked at him for a second, a look of annoyance on his face. "Oh come on Zach. I know you're upset for getting grounded, but let's go eat."
Zach shook his head slowly, barely perceptibly. He knew his father just wouldn't understand. Zach knew his father barely even knew him. "It's ok. I'm just not hungry. Can you please just let me skip dinner tonight?"
Zach's father stared at him for a few moments. Then he sighed. "What's bothering you Zach? You can tell me."
Zach looked at his father, staring into his eyes for a few minutes trying to decide. He and his father had never been close. They had never really talked before. But Zach had seen how often his dad had helped out his brother Mike. Maybe if he talked to his dad, his dad could help.
"Dad," Zach began hesitantly. "If I tell you something, will you not tell anyone else? Will you promise?"
Zach's dad smiled slightly. "Of course I will Zachie. Now what's bothering you?"
Zach looked down at the floor, not wanting to look at his father. He hesitated for a few more minutes. "Why is she so mean to me? Why does she seem to hate me so much?"
Zach's father frowned slightly. "Who? Who is mean to you?"
Zach started fidgeting, still not looking his father in the face. "Mom," he mumbled. "Why is she so mean? She didn't have to dump all my stuff on the ground. She ruined a lot of my stuff. She's always doing stuff like this and I don't know why."
Zach's dad stared off into space for a second or two. "I'll talk with your mom Zach. I'll see what I can do."
"NO!" Zach nearly yelled. "You promised you wouldn't tell anybody! Don't talk to her about it, please."
"All right Zachie," his father tried to soothe. "I won't say anything to your mom. You can skip dinner if you want. I'll tell her I said it was ok."
"Thanks dad," Zach said gratefully as his father turned and left. Maybe it was a good idea to tell his dad after all. The conversation seemed to go ok. Zach even thought his dad might try and help. Maybe he just hadn't given his dad a chance in the past. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe.
Zach went and got a trash bag and started throwing all the ruined items into it. The broken candle was the last item he threw into the bag and Zach stared at it for a long time before throwing it in. He was reluctant to part with it, but it was ruined now. There wasn't any real reason to keep it now.
"What do you mean telling your father that I'm mean to you! How dare you tell him something like that!" Zach nearly jumped as he heard his step mom yelling at him. Zach turned quickly to see his dad and step mom standing behind him. The expression on her face was nearly terrifying she was so angry.
"Why did you tell your father I'm mean to you?" his step mother continued. "I've never been mean to you and you know it! You need to stop lying to your father! You can consider yourself grounded for a month now!" With out waiting for a reply, Zach's step mom stormed off.
Zach was stunned. He was more confused than ever as he looked at his father. Zach was speechless for several moments, just staring at his dad. Finally, haltingly he simply said "But you promised you wouldn't say anything."
Zach's father looked at him for a few seconds, shaking his head. "Did you really think I wouldn't say anything? Zach, use your head." With that, Zach's father turned and followed his wife out of the room.
Zach had never felt so betrayed in his life. He was nearly shaking with the shock from the aftermath of the ordeal. Zach never would have believed that someone from his own family would treat him like that. That someone who was suppose to love him would lie to him. Zach had never really trusted his father before. Zach vowed to himself that he would never trust his father again. He would never allow someone so close to him to have that kind of power to hurt him ever again. Never again.
Zach finished telling his story to Alex, never once looking him in the eyes. His fidgeting was even more pronounced now, his nervousness clearly evident. Zach remained silent, wondering what Alex was thinking. Wondering how Alex would take this revelation.
Alex stared at Zach, not knowing what to say. He couldn't imagine what was going on in Zach's mind. Alex simply could not imagine what it would be like to grow up with that kind of relationship with his father.
Without saying a word, Alex wrapped his arms around Zach, pulling him close as he gently lay back down onto the bed. Alex continued holding Zach long after Zach drifted off into a restless sleep.
To Be Continued.
I want to thank everyone who has written. The responses I have received have been phenomenal. I've said it before, but you guys are the best! If I have missed responding to any of you, I really am sorry. Drop me a line if you feel so inclined and let me know what you think or ask me any questions. I'll try to respond to all of you. You can email me at gandersn@gte.net. Greg