A mess of hitchhiking, a few miles of walking later I ended up in the city, a far cry from the suburbia I'd been used to. I hid quietly in one of the small soup kitchens run by a church and listened to the news that Henry had been released, with the charges against him cleared.
That was the last bit of information I ever sought about him... the last bit I allowed myself.
Alone in the city, I lied my way into working for a small diner, being paid in cash under the table and sleeping at a coworker's apartment. If anyone asked me, I pretended that I had absolutely no memory of my past, that I was in some horrible accident and my parents died. This seemed enough for most people. I got a new identity, whos case worker most likely thought I was an immigrant, but it worked out in the end. After a few days I knew that I couldn't continue to just hold my head above water working as a server. Again, I lied my way into working for a small clinic, and there I worked as a medical assistant, taking courses online whenever I could. Though I get the feeling the doctors in the clinic sensed I knew more than I let on.
After a few weeks, I moved out into my own apartment. It was small, constantly hot and loud at night. I put up curtains to shield myself from the nightlife's bright neon signs that hung so conveniently outside my windows. The floodboards creaked with every step I took, and the run down building itself ached with every passing hour. Every once in a while I thought about Henry... the feelings that welled up inside me everytime I did make me cringe in pain. How I missed him... how I missed our time together. But I had to remind myself that staying away from him was the best thing for him. As far as I could tell from the small business snippets in the newspaper, Landon had kept his word. I kept my head down, working quietly in the clinic, never going out, never exposing myself to more people than necessary. On occasion, I would pay someone to courier a message, to send something to my father, with strict instructions never to tell Henry he had heard from me. Somehow I doubt he ever followed it, but my only hope was that by then... Henry would have forgotten about me...
It was a small life. It was my life.
Just like that... days, weeks, months passed. It was close to Christmas time again and I walked the streets alone, making my way back to my apartment. I smiled at the man who held the door open for me, and entered my apartment without a word to anyone else. The news flickered on my old TV set, and I heard that Henry's company had experienced immense growth this year. My smile disappeared as the video changed to a recorded speech he had given to the company. He looked so much the same, except... he was tired now... the small dark circles under his eyes, the way his voice sounded coarse... he was so tired.... I shut off the screen and curled myself into a small ball and let myself fall asleep drowning in my thoughts of him.
I had never once thought to move on with my love life, the feeling that Henry was my one and true love had never left me. Still, one day when one of the new interns Josh asked me on a date, those feelings stirred again. I rejected the offer, but since then, he hasn't stopped appearing at my apartment. We never did anything, of that I was certain to never change. But he told me he liked me, that despite my attempts to stop him, he would continue to do so. He held my hand when we were alone in the apartment and I didn't know what to say to him anymore.
"Josh... you need to stop... this.....whatever this is... isn't going to work"
"Who said its not going to work?"
"I am..."
"And why do you think that?"
"Because.. just because.." I didn't want to tell him anymore.
"Then until just because happens... let me be here..." He said, wrapping his hand tightly around mine and pulling me to sit down. I watched TV with him for a bit, then I felt myself being lifted and placed on my bed. The blankets threw themselves over me and the door creaked as it shut and I heard the TV turn off and someone rustling on the futon outside.
"Thank you Josh...." I mumbled to myself, pretending that had heard my quiet appreciation.
Things continued, and I sensed that Josh always wanted more than I could give him, but he was patient with me, and despite my many many attempts to stop him, he continued to bring me food on the weekends. I ate and laughed with him, the whole time realizing that while I may have had some feelings of affection for him, it wasn't the same... should I have let go? One stormy weekend I found myself sitting absent mindedly in my apartment. I was on my favorite pillow on my favorite part of the couch. I wore a small green sweater now, this one a little tighter than the one I was thinking of. Something about murder was on the television and it droned away with me lagging far behind it. My eyes were so focused on the small divot in the wooden coffee table that I hadn't heard someone knocking away at the door until a very familiar voice shouted my name.
"Aiden!"
"S-Sorry! I'm on my way!" I called back, running to the door, my pajama pants a little too long for me and almost tripping me in the process.
Josh stood at the door, his entire body a soaked mess, and in his hands two large bags of groceries. He set them down on my kitchen counter and smiled as he took the towel I had produced and dried himself.
"Do you want a change of clothes? You're soaking wet..."
"Yeah... can I take a shower too? I think I have some mud on me, otherwise I'll just get those dirty too..."
He said, looking at his legs and pointing to a cake of mud that had become smeared.
"Yeah... this way." I pointed him to the bathroom, and he began to undress. Reflexively I looked away, pretending to be focused on turning on the shower, making the water temperature just right.
I felt his hands wrap around my waist and I shivered as the familiar sensation enveloped me and my knees weakened for a bit.
"Thanks Aiden..." He said, pressing his cold cheek against mine.
"Y-Yeah..."
"You should probably go outside now... otherwise you'll probably see more of me than you want to... unless you're going to be joining me..." He chuckled and I nodded before scurrying out of the room.
I sat back down on the couch, it no longer had that same sense of comfort that it had earlier. This time it was my cold cup of coffee that fascinated me... I stared at the surface, pitch black with a ring of brown along the edges of the cup. The small ripples formed whenever my neighbor downstairs yelled loudly at the television or a particularly loud car passed by. In my mind's eye I could see the scene so well, the one where Henry was behind me, his naked body pressed against mine and he held me so tightly I felt as if he could squeeze the water out from between us. I felt his breath against the nape of my neck, a feeling hotter than the waters that cascaded down our forms... and just thinking about it gave me chills again.
"So for dinner, I think I am going to make us some baked chicken, how about that? With some mashed potatoes and some veggies sound good?" I blinked a few times, and looked at Josh who had already thrown on the clothes that I had given him. They were a little tight on him, but he fit them well.
"Sound good Aiden?" He asked again, grinning as he pulled out my chopping board and a knife.
"Yeah..." I smiled, not quite sure if this one was more polite, or.... Something else.
I watched him, sitting at the couch as he chopped finely the garlic that was to go with the chicken, and the other vegetables he was making. His hands were flitting around the board creating art that I had never seen before. Long since had I even felt the need to cook anything fancy for myself. These days, boiled vegetables and tofu were the foods readily available. I think I had lost some weight again... the clothes that I had worn during my escape didn't fit me anymore...
Josh looked at me and with his head nodded to ask if I wanted to join him... and I shook my head, sinking it into the cushions of my sofa. He smiled brightly and nodded his acceptance and in that moment I saw it. The same gleam in his eyes that I had seen in Henry's.
He loved me.
My head flew in circles and my brain ran up a wall trying to figure out what to do next. Had I never noticed it until now? How long had he been here, being my friend when I didn't realize all along that he wanted not my time, but he wanted me.
Dinner was served next to a hot cup of tea and a side of whatever murder or suspense drama was on. I felt very conscious that he was watching me carefully, trying to gauge whether he had succeeded in his dinner or not. He had.
"It's really good!" I said happily, taking a mouthful of broccoli.
"Oh thank god..." I heard him mutter.
"What?"
"Nothing!"
He finished eating and before I could clear my plate, he came back from the kitchen with a small bowl of ice cream and proudly set it down on the coffee table.
"Don't tell me you made that too.."
"Nope, this one I bought... but... I was thinking we could have this one... together?" He held up two forks and I stared at him for a minute.
"Er... or maybe I can scoop a separate one..."
"N-No.. uh... its okay..." I shook my head, and took one of the spoons, eagerly scooping a part of the dome that lay in the bowl. I saw him take a spoonful too and I hovered the spoon in front of my mouth, almost as if considering it for a moment before plunging it back into the bowl.
When we finished, I had curled up on one corner of the couch, holding a book that I had been reading the night before, and I looked up on occasion to find Josh staring at me over his tablet. He laughed as he told me that I looked cute, huddled against the couch with my legs beneath me. I blushed slightly and went back to reading.... Unsuccessfully.
After reading the same page for the fifth time, I looked up and saw that Josh had dozed off. Taking my blanket, I draped it over him, and for the second time today, I considered him... looking at him as he slept and thought to myself that he was rather cute... his soft complexion, the way his eyes fluttered as he mumbled and shifted in his dream. I felt a twinge in my heart again, wincing as he bent forward and felt as if my entire chest had fallen into my stomach. I felt... guilty.
Shutting myself in my closet, I sat on the ground buried behind the coat and shirts that I was hoping would bury my sound and I cried. I wept for the things that I missed, the things that I couldn't help but think about as I tried to move on from what was. I saw Henry's scared face in that jail cell so many years ago, I saw his face on the news report, his tired face... and I felt myself hating the very fact that Josh was in my apartment. I hated that he was here bringing me so much pain, and then thought that I hated myself for mistaking his kindness and love for something so malicious. In that closet I cried for another hour... and when the tears could no longer form, I laid back and fell asleep among the clothes and pants that had become my makeshift pillows.
I awoke and my clock out in the room signaled that it was now eight at night. Getting up, I heard the familiar sounds of tinkering in the kitchen. Josh was there again, cooking another storm to match the one outside. He looked up to see me peeking from the bedroom door and called to me to join him.
"I'm okay... I think I'll leave it to you....." I said weakly, my head still groggy from an oddly positioned sleep.
I sat at the bar opposite the counter, watching as his hands cut carrots into small matchsticks and cucumbers into perfect ovals to go into the salad he was making. I watched him jump around a bit as the hot oil from the pork chops he was pan frying hit his hand and he recoiled while I chuckled at his reaction.
"You know I think that's the first time I saw you laugh..." He said happily as he nursed his hand.
"Huh...? Oh..." I blushed again, unaware that he was keeping track...
Josh spent the day with me, we did all the things that you could do.... Indoors. The rain hadn't let up yet and the roads were still too dangerous to drive. We watched movies, we played games and read books. All while I tried to maintain my distance from him. I shouldn't lead him on...
"Aiden... do you think we could just... lay here together for a while...?" He suddenly asked.
"What?"
"Do you think... we could just lay together for a while? I uh... I know... that Im not your boyfriend, and you told me that you're not looking or not ready or whatever.... But... I really like you.... I really... really like you." Josh stressed those words as he repeated them again, more for his benefit for having finally said them outloud.
"I... uh... s-sure...I.. guess..."
I felt so awkward as he moved over carefully, as if he were afraid that I would change my mind. He treated me so gently, moving around me as if I were a fragile piece of art, trying to keep me from shattering. Josh's arms wrapped around my body as he held onto me, and I felt his chin rest on my shoulder. We stood there in the center of the room for a few moments, before I felt myself give into his embrace. It was so... strange... to have this feeling be so much like the one I missed, and yet have it be completely different. Another few moments later, I felt him push me gently towards the couch and laid me down on it, himself pulling his body behind me and nuzzling himself into my neck. I didn't know what to do... it was as if this were all new to me again, and I simply lay there as he moved the blankets around us and I cautiously leaned in a little into him.
"Haha... did you know Aiden...? I had the biggest crush on you when you came... the minute that you walked into the clinic on your first day... I couldn't stop staring at you... You told us that you couldn't remember much of your past and I thought that it made you so... pitiful... but then I saw you work... I saw your determination and it made me realize how much I loved you.."
"Love?"
"Ah... ahaa... liked you... yeah... how much I like you. Do you remember the day, about two weeks after you started working, I walked into the overnight lounge and you were coming out of the shower with your towel...and all I could do was hand you your scrubs... I never forgot the look in your eyes when you thanked me and went back in to change... I was so in love with that smile... it just... I think... it's so bright... and beautiful... and I wish you would smile more..."
I felt the motions behind me as he checked to see if I were still awake, and I pretended to have fallen asleep... I didn't know how to accept his feelings... and giving him a forced response... wasn't fair to him either.
"Asleep..? Aiden..... well... this is fine too... I'm still happy... at least this much..." He said, pulling the blanket even higher to cover me, He reached over me to grab the remote and I heard him switch on the news before pulling me in closer and readjusting the blanket ever so slightly to cover me. Even though my eyes were closed, I could just imagine... he was smiling still... perfectly content just holding me... while I... in my act...simply fell asleep... I was always so tired these days...
Dinner went the same way as lunch had and this time, when I fell asleep, I felt him carry me again to the bed. I felt his arms... so firmly set beneath me, I felt his chest as he braced me against him and lay me down. Then suddenly, in my head... I saw him.
"Henry..." I remember whispering and as the arms beneath me tried to let go I held on, pulling them to me. I remember curling my arm around his, putting my head against his shoulder.... And as he began to lightly stroke my hair, I fell asleep.....
When I finally did awake, Josh was next to me, fast asleep, and I quickly untangled myself from him.
What had I done?
Christmas Day arrived and having no one to celebrate with, I volunteered to manage the clinic while the main staff took the day off. Alone with a single doctor I handled three cases of "suspected" heart attacks that turned out to be gas, and a small bump from falling onto the pavement. I grinned at the children as they watched their father ache and howl when I disinfected the wound.
"Not bad rookie, you've got what it takes to be a doctor... I don't know what you're doing here..." The attending told me as he watched me complete sutures for a small head laceration later that afternoon. I felt the twinge in my heart again and I laughed it off.
For the first time in a long time I took a long look at myself in the mirror, I was so different now... my hair that usually sat messy had stayed the same, but my face seemed more tired too... the youthful expression that Henry had always loved seemed old and exhausted now... my skin had tanned a little more after going out running again. My eyes were tired now... probably from the sleepless nights covering shifts to make more money... It's just as well right? There was no one to appreciate my eyes, or my body now...
As I left the bathroom after splashing water on my face, I bumped into Josh who was also wearing his scrubs. He grinned as he held up Chinese food and told me he volunteered to work the night shift with me.
Somewhere after the sixth drunkard that stumbled into the clinic to ask for "headache meds" we got a notification that a plane had crashed on its way in to the neighboring city. The ambulance was on its way, the larger hospitals already overworked with little staff. Despite my desperate attempts to turn them away, they insisted that no other facility would be able to handle it.
Just like that three ambulances arrived with 2 more on the way. The small four room clinic with bare minimum surgery room was full. The first two were bone fractures that needed to be set and rest. The last that arrived suffered severe burns to three quarters of his body and needed a bit more attention. Just as the rush from the first wave ended, the last two ambulances arrived. Each desperately trying to unload their patients. The attending on call cringed as the two new patients emerged a bloody mess.
"Which should we treat first...?" Josh asked as he received the patients and directed the EMTs inside.
"Uh... uh... " I could tell he was flustered.
"Which one!?" Josh asked again, the urgency building.
"Take him into room one, take him into the third, both should be open now. This one should have gone to the major hospital, but its too late now... he has severe burns as well as a compressed chest, he may need an operation that we're not equipped to handle, contact the hospital and ask that they make room once we stabilize him." I said as I sent the EMTs to the lobby to wait. Josh stared blankly at me and nodded shortly after.
"WAKE UP" I shouted and the attending jerked awake and nodded as he followed one of the carts into room three.
I ran into room one and gloved up. Josh had gone to help in the other and it was just as well... I did a quick scan with my hands over the surface of his body, fractured ribs seemed possible, with fluid build up in the chest. He was beginning to have difficulty breathing, the monitor signaled distress and I cringed as I grabbed a small blade and with a gush of disinfectant made a small incision, puncturing the chest cavity and allowing pressure to return to normal. I treated the areas of bleeding as best as I could and watched the monitor quietly as his pulse returned to normal, and I could feel him return to the world. His eyes opened and looked at me, and I nodded to him as I packed more gauze onto his wounds and explained the situation to him.
"... so we are waiting on some transfer papers to complete before we can get you to the hospital for the surgery for your chest-" Before I could finish I felt his hand grab mine, a desperate whine came out and I looked at him, his eyes were wide open, the were a deep and warm brown... even through they were bloodshot red I could see them... his hair was messy from the blood and soot but I recognized it...
"H-Henry..." I gasped, dropping the clipboard.
The doors slid open and Josh dashed in, ready to help.
"Is everything okay?" He asked, staring at me as I stared motionless at the patient. I cringed as I felt my chest tighten and I ran out of the room. Just before the doors closed all I could hear was the boy who I loved cry as he was helpless to follow me. I ran down the hall, as far as I could not even thinking of anything except hiding. My chest tightened again and I gasped, feeling myself stop breathing as I tripped and ran into the wall in the back of the building. I ran into the closest room and hid behind a tall cabinet, pulling my knees to my chest. I hyperventilated to myself for a while, feeling the tightness ebb and flow as I struggled to rid my mind of those haunting eyes. The sheer pain in them, the feeling of his body in my hands the cries he managed. I closed my eyes and cried alone in the darkness.
A few hours later, I had calmed down, my head rest against the file cabinet and I stared at the window in the room, the tree outside waved back and forth as the gusting winds pulled leaves from its branches. The door opened and I heard someone step into the room.
"Are you okay?" Josh asked, sitting down beside me.
"Y-Yeah... sorry..."
"That patient... did you tell him anything about me...?" I asked carefully.
"No... he passed out shortly after you ran out... b-but he's okay!" He quickly added, after noticing my panic.
"Oh..."
"Haha... what... what are you?" He chuckled as he put his hands on my shoulders.
"What?"
"What are you...? You're such a mystery to me... you behaved like someone whos done everything before, you did work in there I've seen seasoned doctors fail at, and you do it.... As a medical assistant?" Josh grinned.
"Uh..."
"Even Dr. Stanley said so... that incision was clean and practiced... the treatment focused and methodical... or something like that I don't always listen to him..."
"Oh Dr. Stankley is here? Uh..I just... I've seen a lot..." I replied.
"Uh huh...well he came in a little after we got the last batch of patients..." He nodded and just like that we sat in silence for a few minutes until Dr. Stanley appeared and sat down next to us.
"The papers have arrived, your patient is transferring to the hospital in a few hours. Good job on the stabilization..." He sighed as he kicked off his shoes.
"Thanks..."
I could tell since that day, people looked at me differently, more doctors asked for me to be on their service, and I assisted on minor surgeries and other small procedures. I felt like they were testing me, asking me to do things that no other medical assistant would have been expected to know. Still I had no choice but to do them...
After a week I got a call into the administration, and wandered in after lunch. It was just as well... Now that Henry knew where I was, the minute he was able I knew he would come find me... and I had been working up the courage to quit. The clinic administrator was there with another man. I greeted both of them before being instructed to take a seat. The new stranger was introduced to me as the chief of medicine at the city hospital.
"Well, it seems that I've heard a lot about you Aiden, many good things." He chuckled in the way that most older men do, he laughed as he patted his knee gently and looked at the clinic director before continuing.
"At the insistence of many of your clinic doctors I have come to offer you a chance at a medical education."
"What?"
"You've shown initiative and interest in the healing arts, I've been told by Mr. Chais here, that you've been taking night classes, I've also heard from many of the staff physicians that you've shown remarkable knowledge beyond that of a medical assistant."
I cursed myself internally, realizing that it literally was all a test for me.
"Of course, a strong recommendation from Dr. Stanley has also persuaded a very generous benefactor to supplement your training fees. Mr. Kim, whos son Henry I hear you saved has graciously agreed to pay your schooling fees, and the program itself offers housing. The hospital cafeteria will also provide meals for you. "
"I... uh..."
"This is a very good offer for you Aiden, the offer also comes with benefits for this clinic, a small grant for facility upgrades as a way to encouraging those who have talent like yours to enter the medical field." The director said.
I looked at him who urged me with his eyes to take the offer.
"He'll take it"
"Now now Mr. Chais, it's Aiden's life... he should be the one to decide.."
"I...I will... take it..." I said reluctantly.
--- Author: Thank you so much for sticking with me! I love hearing from you all and if you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know at Keito.Nakagawa@gmail.com.
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