An hour of silence passed, and no magical answer had come to me in the darkness of the house.
It was a strange feeling, getting into the shower, into the bed, and under the covers, all knowing that there was never a chance that Henry was going to come and surprise me, or hold me.
Sleep was not my friend tonight, and no amount of clearing my mind would bring it to me. Instead I settled for staring at the ceiling in bed, feeling myself sink into the mattress. I felt almost paralyzed as the sheer weight of my circumstance came upon me. At times I thought about Henry sitting alone in jail, and I felt the weight press down even harder until I could barely breathe.
The next day I visited Henry, only to find him sitting in the corner of his small cell with a small bruise on his arm.
"What happened?" I asked worriedly
"Nothing, that guy that was in here yesterday just bumped into me.. that's all." He said, wincing a little as I brushed lightly across it.
"Henry..."
"It's nothing, okay? I promise." I wrestled with telling him about the true circumstances of his charges. If I told him... what could he do.. what would he do?
"Henry... "
"Whats wrong? Are you okay? You don't look well... did you sleep okay?" He said, turning to me now, putting his arms firmly on my shoulders and giving me a concerned look. His crystal clear eyes making me shiver as I felt myself enveloped in him again. He kissed my forehead gently and held me.
"I love you Henry..." I mumbled
"What was that?" He let me go but I held on.
"Nothing..."
"You're silly..." He pulled me closer and held his embrace around me.
"Just... hold me for a little more...I missed you last night..." I lied...
All too soon, my visitation hours ended. I was scuttled out of the cell and the building by a guard who sent me along, noting how adorable we were together.
I cried alone in my car and my arms moved themselves around the wheel, my body felt numb, and halfway though I wondered if it was even me that was controlling it. I sat outside Landon's house, willing myself to move, but again, my body rebelled. It had brought me here, but I didn't want to go in...
The inside of his house was as it had always been, neat and orderly, but cold and uninviting now. The white walls looked more like a prison cell now than a home.
"You've made your mind?" He asked, setting a cup of tea next to me on the table.
"You promise, that as long as I am not with him, you will not lay a hand or do anything to Henry?"
"I promise." He smiled as he savored his victory, and I realized everything I had given up.
He watched me pack my things from the house, it felt vile, to have him standing in the place that Henry and I had shared such love. The very things that was being torn apart. I threw all my things into my bag, everything that Henry had gave me, I left behind. I couldn't bear to see them... not if things were going to be like this.
Finally, the things found themselves in Landon's car, and I looked around at the bedroom, the house that I may never step foot in again. I noticed the sweater I had left on the sofa. The one that Henry loved seeing on me... and I winced as a sudden pain in my chest made me stagger.
"Is that yours?" Landon asked,
"No... it's Henry's..." I replied, lying. I set it on the bed, and gave it a last look, before crossing its arms the last hug that I would be able to give him.
I dropped my key on the floor as I left it, and locked the door behind me. The minute the door shut, there was no way in for me anymore... this house was no longer mine. Henry seemed so far away from me now...
I couldn't breathe, the ride over to my new prison...
"It's hard now... but you'll see, I love you too, I love you more..." Landon said, putting his arm around me. He likely meant it to be comforting... but I felt so... violated... that he would touch me... hold me like this...
What did I just do to myself...?
When we arrived, Henry had the man who serviced the house bring my things to my room, and he ushered me into the house. I sat down on "my" bed and looked around the room. It was simple, a white room with little decorations other than a small painting done by Landon in the 6th grade during art class. A small picture of a vase of flowers, a single petal fallen on the table. I left my things in my suitcases, somehow I felt that if I unpacked, it would be real, this place would be mine.
Its enough... isn't it? To live here.. to just live... with someone who loves me... but I don't love them...?
Its enough... it is enough.
Enough.
I was awoken by someone knocking on the door. The maid had come to let me know dinner would be ready shortly. That Landon had specially requested my presence as he was planning a small celebration. I thanked her, and peeled myself from the bed.
"Not happy yet?" Landon asked at the dinner table. One neatly decorated with a small vase of roses and ornate china that had been filled with foods that I loved. He sighed before introducing me to the rest of the house staff that were not here when I arrived. They each greeted me politely and I smiled in return.
"Here..." Landon showed me his phone, a single text messages to a number with no name.
"Its over, let him go." Was all that was on the message.
"He'll be free in the next two days when paperwork goes through." Landon said, putting his hand on mine.
I nodded my acknowledgement, like a child being told by a teacher.
In silence, I ate my foods, and I looked at Landon from time to time, who gazed so lovingly at me... and in that moment, despite everything that he had wrought, I pitied him. He was trying so hard... so so hard...
Still... it felt wrong, as if I were in a parallel life, someone's dream that wasn't my own. When dinner was over, he held my hand still and pulled me to the living room where we sat and watched the crackling fire for a few moments. My eyes glazed over, as I zoned out, feeling the warmth of the fire permeate my skin.
In that moment, I sensed a blurry figure moving closer to me and I reacted, putting my hand up and stopping Landon from coming in for a kiss.
"L-Landon.. I.. um.. I ju...I... not today... just not today... please?" I asked and he seemed disappointed, but nodded.
"For tonight then... get settled... here in our house..."
"Our house..."
"Yes... our house Aiden... I've been waiting for you for so long... one more day wont kill me... but just that you're here... how long I've wanted to be able to hold you, to kiss you... to tell you that I love you the most.."
I was speechless...
He left me alone somewhere after 1AM, and I sat by myself, looking at the embers that still remained from the fire. When they finally faded, I awoke from my trance... and looked around, hoping that I had imagined it all... but I knew the coldness I felt wasn't from the house being empty... it was from being in someone else's house. A place that I had no familiarity with, a place that was not mine.
I got lost looking for my bedroom, and finally remembered its location after searching through an entire wing of the house.
Again, sleep eluded me, and I looked at the ceiling again, its textured appearance so different from my home... no... Henry's home...
"Henry's no longer mine... I can't love him... I don't love him...I h-hate... him.. I... hate..Hen..H-"
The words couldn't leave me.. I felt my body seize up as if to protect me from saying the words that would hurt more than anything.
I spent the day at my new home... I had taken a leave of absence from school, one that they were quite happy to grant given the sizable donations Henry's family and Now... I suppose Landon's family had contributed to the hospital.
I stayed away from Landon's study, I knew he would be in there working...
There was nothing there for me, nothing in the house was mine. A fact that Landon quickly remedied, by telling me he would take me shopping later in the day, that anything I wanted would be brought to the house.
Instead, we never left the house that day, and I spent the rest of the day in bed, sleeping. It made the hours move faster, and somewhere around 9PM, I woke up to the sound of someone opening my door.
I thought it was the maid again, coming to check on me, she at some point had thought that I was sick, sleeping so much. This time though, the figure sat down on my bedside and I felt the covers be moved, and a body pressed against me. I turned around to see Landon beside me.
"L-Landon..."
"Hello Aiden.." He smiled as he wrapped his arms around me and I cringed.
"Landon please.. please..." I pleaded..
"Please what? Aiden.." He asked
"Let me... go home..."
"You are home... this is our home..." He leaned in for a kiss again and I moved to stop him, only to have my wrist pinned above me, I winced as my shoulder hurt from the sudden movement. I felt his lips roughly press against mine and I struggled to no avail.
"If you don't want to have sex with me, that's fine... You will soon... you will one day... but for today... this is all I want.. all I want is to hold you... to be able to love you, to share with you some of the love that I have held for you all this time..." Landon said to me, as he kept me pinned beneath him. I felt his hand sliding up and down my body... dragging bits of my shirt with it, revealing my abs as the fabric was brought upwards.
I whimpered to myself and closed my eyes and let my arm fall limp...
I felt his arms encircle me... and it all felt so wrong...
He kissed me again, and this time, I let him... there was nothing... it was just.. our lips touching... no sparks... no tingling...
He held me close, and I felt a heartbeat so different than what Id been used to... one that was angrier... one that had suffered more... Landon's legs intertwined with mine and I felt his legs almost clasping mine with their weight.
I felt warm... but it wasn't a soothing warmth... it was almost stilfing... and I could barely breathe again...
That night, Landon tried his best to hold himself back, and I appreciated it. However, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't shake the feeling that the person in bed with me... just wasn't Henry. The morning after, I awoke to feel his arms still around me. He was talking to himself.. or maybe to the sleeping me...
"I can hardly believe you're here... Aiden... I've thought about you for so long... wanted you for so long and now you're here... its hard... its so hard... not to want to kiss you, to want to have you all to myself..."
I opened my eyes slowly, pretending to be dazed, feigning that I hadn't heard his confession.
"Good Morning Aiden..." He said to me, his arms around me giving me a small squeeze.
"Good.. Morning.." I replied groggily.
I got up in the morning, feeling how different the carpet felt beneath me, remembering that I hadn't slept in just my boxers yesterday and feeling the t-shirt that draped over my body rub against my skin. After a somewhat quiet breakfast, Landon took me out in his car, going to a local shopping mall where he seemingly purchased everything that I had even batted an eye at. He smiled as he proudly paid and had everything sent to the house.
"Landon..." I said to him, as we sat down at the small booth of the Japanese restaurant he had taken us to for lunch.
"Yes?"
"I appreciate everything you've done... but please... stop..."
"Stop what?"
"Stop everything... at this time, I promised you that I wouldn't see Henry, and I will keep that promise, as long as you keep yours. But at this point... I don't know how I feel about you yet.. and I don't want you to do... all this for me... it just makes... it hard for me." I sighed, looking down at the white napkin that laid in my hands.
"I know..." Landon's voice grew soft as he placed his hand on mine and I couldn't look him in the eye.
The things had been delivered when we arrived at home. The maid was busy setting things up in whatever crevice she thought they would look good in. She was busy enjoying the decorations she had always felt the sparse house needed. I smiled a little as she nodded to me before placing a small stack of books into the shelf that had up til now, held only a small potted plant.
That night, dinner was a smaller event, one that let me relax a bit more... the glasses of wine that Landon and I shared may have also had something to do with that... Again, we sat by the fire, watching its glow illuminate the small bits of the dark.
"Landon... why do you do this every night after dinner?"
"Haha... you don't remember do you? The one time when we were young, when you paid attention to me last.."
"What do you mean?"
"When we were young, long before Henry and my family's fighting, we used to be friends, we used to go on camping trips... while the adults were busy doing their things, us kids were left alone, and Henry used to cry about how he would miss his mother, you would cry about yours... and then I could make things better for you by offering you one of the s'mores that I made... you didn't cry so much after that... I remember the smile that you gave me.. the goofy one with your teeth falling out at the time."
"Oh Landon..."I felt such an enormous pity for him... holding onto something from so long ago.
"It was then that I think I came to terms with myself that I loved you... that sense of amazement at the things I could do, to make you smile. I wanted to do that more... I wanted to be able to do that more..."
"That was... so long ago Landon..."
"Yeah... it was, wasn't it...?"
"You cant hold all those things forever, sometimes you have to let them go... theres someone out there for you.. someone who... isn't me... but someone who you can still love..."
"no... NO... there isn't... its you that I want... you."
"You've kept me in your mind for so long, have you missed anything because you've been so blinded by someone like me?" I felt increasingly guilty now..
"No... because I've always known that there was no one else but you... no one else has ever been able to make me feel like I did when I handed you that s'more. All this, everything around us... I can give you so much more now... but only now... you still haven't smiled..." He looked away from me now... staring back at the fire.
"Landon..." I put my hand on his shoulder and he looked at me now. I smiled lightly, trying my best to make it seem genuine..
Just for a few moments, our eyes locked and we stared at each other, then in a flush of motion, I felt him push himself onto me, his lips locked onto mine. I felt myself open up and accepted it. As we kissed, my mind went numb, what was I doing? Before I could answer, I felt his hands wrap around my waist and run up my sides, tickling me and feeling the contours of my frame.
"L-La-" I shivered and he responded by slamming his lips into mine again and I felt the hands run down to my belt, undoing it and suddenly tugging away at the waistband.
"S-Stop Landon.. stop" But he didn't listen, and I felt my pants leave me.
That night... I came to hate myself...
The next morning, I woke up on the floor, a blanket thrown over me, and Landon gone already. My body was completely naked and I felt a heavy weight on my chest. I sat up, the blanket falling and I instinctively grabbed it and wrapped it close to me... the cold air touched my bare shoulders and I shivered. Covering myself, I came to terms with what had happened last night... I couldn't stop him... but I hated that I did it... I hated myself for it... I felt... dirty...
I cried to myself in the shower that morning, the soft sobs muffled by the sounds of the water falling against the tile. Pulling myself together, I dressed myself, and had breakfast, after which I was told the day was mine, as Landon had left to go to work.
There was nothing left for me to do... I didn't feel like going back into the living room... the scene where everything had changed. I laid in bed for the day, thinking about the feeling of his hands running over me... the feeling of him... and I couldn't think anymore without feeling... wrong.
Landon woke me up for dinner, he was concerned that I was sleeping so much these days... he wondered if I was sick.. and I couldn't tell him that it may have been because I felt so disgusted with myself for what happened. I ate dinner gratefully, alleviating my hunger pains that I had been so insensitive to until now.
Fortunately, today was such a cheery day for him, that Landon had drunken himself into a sleepy stupor.. and I was spared another possible chance at the fireplace... I sat down on my bed again, bidding the maid goodnight, and asking her to take care of Landon, that I would be fine tonight. She nodded and closed the door behind her.
I would be fine...
I had decided, that this place wasn't where I belonged...
Around three in the morning, I woke up, grabbing my suitcase that still remained unpacked, it would be too heavy to take with me. Instead I took only the small light shirts and a pair of pants and stuffed it into a duffel bag. That night, under the cover of night... I ran away from that place... the minute I did... I felt the cool air greeting me, and I smiled as I ran as far and as long as I could out of the neighborhood. I crossed intersections with wild abandon, the streets were barren at this time of night. I landed in the parking lot of a supermarket and used my phone to call a cab, telling him to take me to the nearest bus depot. When I arrived at the depot, I threw the phone into the trash and used the remaining cash I had managed to hold onto to buy a one way ticket to the first destination on the map.
I was free...
--- Author: Thank you so much for sticking with me! I love hearing from you all and if you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know at Keito.Nakagawa@gmail.com.
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