I laid with Henry until he fell asleep that night. The sound of his steady breathing normally would have calmed me but tonight I felt as if I were keeping a terrible secret from him. I was... I should have told him...
The night air brushed against me when I snuck out from under his arm and the covers. It had begun to drizzle slightly outside now, the small pattern of the falling rain created a shadow drizzle on the inside of the house. For tonight, I felt as if I couldn't in all good honesty lay next to Henry.
In our entire relationship, I have never had to lie to him about anything, but then again I wouldn't have been able to. Somehow he always knew, so I stopped trying. Usually he would be the one to comfort me whenever I have any problems, the person who would hold me and tell me that I was strong enough to handle it myself. But...
Last night, when he asked me if I was okay, I lied. I lied and was convincing... Had I become someone else entirely?
It was silent in the house now, and I didn't know where to go to escape my thoughts. Everywhere I went were pictures of the two of us... Even in the upstairs guest room, a picture of the two of us at our first school play. He was a "weed" of the garden and I was one of the "veggies". Looking back, he told me I was a cute tomato, which would make me turn into one as my face flushed.
There was no where I could go... except out. I threw on a small white loose-knit sweater that was draped over the end of one of the dining room chairs. It was a little large for me after stretching in the wash, it seemed to rest a little off to the side, but that didn't matter. Sitting outside in the patio, I could still feel some of the raindrops splashing against the tiles and bouncing onto the edges of my legs. The shorts that I had worn provided almost no warmth and I curled myself up onto one of the chairs, hoping the sweater would rest over them and bring me warmth. In that moment I felt as if I had almost escaped the world. The sound of nothing but rain soothed me and I closed my eyes. Almost immediately my mind began to wander.
In my mind I could see a younger version of myself, playing with Henry, we were doing something with a swing and running back and forth touching the fence and something I couldn't even recognize. But then, in the background I saw him, I saw Landon staring at us...
I jerked awake with a gasp, the memories of his eyes crying as he watched us made my heart ache... and that stillness of my mind that I had found disappeared as fear took its place.
The rain was pouring now, the patio provided some cover, but the sideways rain began to hit me nonetheless. It was so cool... so refreshing. I stepped out into the water and felt the wet grass between my toes. The sweater was damp now, and clung to me, my hair matted down and across my eye. I embraced the rain and felt it pelt my body. I felt warmth under my eyes and paused before I understood that I was crying. How sad and pitiful had Landon been, and how sad and pitiful was I that I ran away from my problems. How sad and pitiful was I... that I had become so weak and afraid? I cried to myself in the pouring rain for the things that I now knew and the things I now remembered. Landon was always standing in the shadows... his father's company had never quite picked up during our childhood. Just as I was held back by societal convention... so was he by status. I pitied him... but now I was too scared of him to help him... again... I was helpless.
I stood in the rain for a good few minutes, thinking about everything. I wanted them to get along, but some huge immeasurable weight separated them. Was it me?
"What are you doing?!"
I whipped around to see Henry standing under the patio, he shouted at me to come inside before I caught a cold. I heard him, but my mind couldn't process what he wanted me to do. After another shout, he gave up and came out from under the coverings to collect me.
"Aiden! What are you doing!?" He shouted over the rain as he came to me. I felt his hand clasp around my wrist and pull, but my body wouldn't move.
"Aiden?" He turned to look at me carefully now. My eyes were red and puffy, my body trembled and I knew he could tell something was wrong. Almost as soon as our eyes met, I looked away, down at the ground. I tried very hard to control my breathing, to suppress the sobs that worked their way upwards.
"Aiden..." He kept saying my name, and I couldn't open my mouth to talk to him. He stood beside me and when I finally looked at him, the tears that were streaming down my face meshed with the rain.
"Whats wrong?" he asked, forgetting about the torrent of water that was coming down atop us.
Again, nothing came out.
"Let me get us an umbrella." He said, I couldn't move but I couldn't let him go, and he turned around again. He wrapped his body against mine, and I felt his warmth press against my cold skin. He sighed and smiled a little as he held me. He was happy... he was so happy... and I was the reason for it.
"How pathetically in love are we?" I managed to spit out "Well, its raining sideways, and Im here with you standing out in the rain like an idiot... so... pretty pathetically." He said, kissing me.
I smiled before burying myself in his chest and he rocked me back and forth a little. After a few moments I looked up at him, and his eyes gazed back.
"You look so beautiful..." He said, brushing the wet locks out of my eyes. The rain was calmer now, a steady fall that felt almost like a massage.
"I love you Aiden..." he said quietly, leaning in and planting a kiss on my lips. In that split second when our lips parted I leaned in again and caught him. I could feel him lean in further, kissing me deeply, his arms wrapped around me tightly and I let my own clasp him tightly.
Gently, he laid me down onto the wet grass, I could feel the soggy sweater push the water aside as my bare body felt the small blades poke between the loose knit holes. Deftly, his shirt came off and the rain began to bead on his bare chest and slide down his perfectly toned body. He leaned over me on all his hands and knees as he continued to kiss me. I could feel his arms running up the side of my body. He lifted the soggy sweater and the completely soaked shirt I had underneath and began to caress my body. I couldn't tell if I was shivering from the cool rain or from his gentle teasings..
"A-Ahh.." I moaned, my mouth filled with rain water that I let flow out through the side of my lips. I couldn't open my mouth in the rain or else I'd most likely drown. Instead I kept my mouth shut and soft mewls escaped me as I had to very consciously remind myself of the water that would come in if I screamed or moaned.
I kept my eyes closed and felt everything leave my body. My pants had been taken off of me somewhere in the last few seconds, my shirt had been lifted up and I felt so exposed. My body, from the chest down could feel the falling raindrops and I felt so vulnerable...
Henry's warm hands ran up and down me, following the small lines in my abs, the small lines of my frame that he traced down until..
"H-Henr-!" I gasped as he grasped tightly and I felt the water collect in my mouth again.
At the same time I felt a digit enter me.. he was slowly teasing his way in...slowly opening me up... the way he knew to or else he would hurt me..
We made love in the rain that night... as cliché as it was... and I couldn't remember anything beyond the feeling of his naked form pressing against me, his warmth inside me and the feeling of his muscular body clasped between my legs as they wrapped around him. I could barely remember the feeling of the rain tickling me, making me squirm against the grass that poked so gently at my sides as well. Then... nothing... nothing except me laying in the rain, completely drained... with the products of our night landing on me before being washed away onto our backyard lawn. I couldn't move... nothing worked except to feel a small sense of tingling that rang throughout my body. Then, I felt nothing but the cold as Henry carried me into the house, laying me in the small nest of towels he had made on the couch. He went back out for my clothes and I shivered slightly as he threw them into the hamper with the rest of his now very damp pajamas.
A warm blanket came out of the dryer and found its way around my naked body and he curled himself underneath as well. I felt his strong muscular legs intertwine with mine and in between them... the source of my pleasure...
He didn't push me to say why I was outside, and I was grateful... Sleep came quickly after that... and the last thing I remember was him gently stroking my hair...
In the morning, I woke up to find myself naked on the couch, the blanket had curled its way down my torso, covering only my lower half. On the coffee table beside me was a set of clothes, a small black v- neck tee and basketball shorts.
"Good Morning Sleepyhead..." I jumped a little to see Henry at the archway into the living room.
Quickly, I threw the clothes on and stood up. Noting the time.
"It's already 11AM?!" I panicked.
"C-Calm down..." He looked taken aback
"I-I have to go.."
"Aiden.. you don't have work today.. remember?"
As soon as he said that I froze... he was right... my mind was still racing.
Henry's hands grabbed mine, bringing me back to reality. He nodded a little, gesturing to the small sandwich half he had left for me.
"Get something to eat... last night was... a bit taxing for the both of us." He grinned
He seemed to leave me alone after that, despite his promise to stay with me at home, he was in his study most of the day, "not working" as he said. He was a terrible liar.
Still, the time "alone" in the house gave me time to collect my thoughts. I should go see Landon... explain things to him, maybe it wasn't so late. But the vision of him still terrified me.
"I'm going to the store!" I shouted, as I threw on a pair of slim fitting shorts and a light green t-shirt. I didn't wait for him to acknowledge me. After just a few minutes of driving, I arrived at my destination. A small mansion at the edge of a vast neighborhood. The doorbell summoned a woman who looked almost annoyed to be bothered as she held in one had a dusting rag and a feathered duster in the other. She asked in a hurried voice what my business was before turning to dismiss another lady who was also dusting.
"I-I'm here to see Landon.. Um.. Could you please tell him.. Aiden is here?" I stuttered, feeling myself wither under her gaze. Strangely, the minute I mentioned my name, her expression changed. Almost instantly I found myself being pulled into the house and sat on a small couch in the corner of a small wooden study.
"Wait here." She said, almost gently now.
I looked around, the study had been with Landon since he was little... there were children's books sitting on the far end, and more recently autobiographies of famous and successful business executives on the other end. One of the alcoves looked a little more untouched than the others and I walked up to it to see it full of medical texts. Some of them were still sealed by a clear layer of protective wrapping.
"That was supposed to be for you." I jumped again, turning to see Landon shutting the door behind him.
"W-What?" "That bookcase, was supposed to be for you... the day that I heard you got into medical school, I wanted to celebrate with you... but you were too busy to come visit me... and... I guess I forgot to mention it to you..."
"Landon..." "No matter, now that you're here, those books are yours to take if you'd like." He said, walking up to me.
Before I could say anything else, he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me.
"Why did you go far away...? But now that you're here.. everything will be okay..." He smiled as he leaned in to kiss me and I pulled back.
"Landon... I'm not here... to be with you... I'm here to visit you... to talk to you." I said, setting the book down and breaking out of his grip.
"Very well then... what do you want to talk about?" He asked, sitting down at the couch and motioning for me to join him.
"You... and Henry..." I could see his face tighten at the mention "I have nothing to say on the matter." "Landon... please.. please... dont be like this..." "Be like what?" "Please don't be so angry.. just... I want you two to be friends again, I remember now, I remember you... I remember us sitting together at one of the events at the children's table.. we used to laugh remember?" "You know whats funny about memories? They tend to change with everyone who brings them up..." "Lan-" "You remember laughing? I remember sitting there, being unable to say anything, except to laugh politely at anything that Henry had to say, because my parents were so deathly afraid that falling into his bad favor meant the death of our company." "Landon.." "You remember us sitting together, I remember me being placed at the table, strategically. My whole life has been a chess game, run by the king and the queen. Now though, now that I'm old enough to escape my parents, whats wrong with finally doing what I want... getting what I want? What's wrong with me fighting with everything that I have to get you? Because I've always liked you... I've always loved you, I told myself that it was okay that you were with Henry, because he had everything to offer you... but now..." He gestured to the house.
"But now... I can offer you those things too..." He finished, grinning to himself as he poured a drink for himself. "Landon stop, that's not why I came here and you know it."
He studied me carefully for a moment before setting his glass down on the table. Without a word he walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. With a deft glace at the book in my hands his eyes met mine and he grinned.
"Then what did you come over for my dear Aiden?" I felt extremely uncomfortable at his nonchalant tone and stumbled over my words. "I came here to tell you that I would not come and..be-be with you. But that I want you to be part of our lives.. be friends with us... " It all sounded so juvenile when I said it
He scoffed and patted me on the head. It was then, that without warning he leaned in and kissed me. Before I could react he had clasped my body against his and no amount of struggling I offered broke me free.
"LANDON!" I shouted through forcibly closed lips. His hands shifted now, pulling parts of my shirt up with them.
I finally managed to shove him back and quickly stormed out, dropping the book with a loud `thud' on the way.
When I finally got home and parked in the garage, I paused to fully realize what had just happened. The feelings of his hands against my bare skin made me shiver as I felt some horrible combination of contempt for him and shame for me. My body felt dirty and I needed to wash myself clean of it all.
Henry came out of the house and over to my car to help with the groceries, but frowned when there weren't any in the trunk.
"Aiden... Honey... did you forget the groceries?" He mock-teased.
"Huh? Oh.. yeah... never quite made it, the store was so packed I was going to go back later in the day." I lied.
He seemed to accept this excuse, though I could tell from his glare that he sensed something was fishy. Under pretense of having to use the bathroom I left his gaze and quickly shut myself into our room. My clothes came off and into the hamper, the shower came on and soon I felt the warm cascading waters engulf me. I scrubbed so hard I felt my skin turning red. Somewhere after my third time going over myself, I heard the door creak open.
"Aiden? Are you still in here?"
"Y-Yeah..." I called back, fortunately I had collected and calmed myself by this time.
In moment I heard footsteps approaching on the bare tile and turned to see Henry opening the door to the shower stall. He smiled as he climbed in. For a moment, just a moment, I blanked out as I watched the man I fell in love with instantly become a wet Adonis. His naked body pressed against my back now and I closed my eyes as he gently nipped at my neck.
"We're not having shower sex." I warned
"Again... you could just enjoy it..."
"No shower sex."
"But..."
"Nope, not happening." I smiled as he sadly pouted and rested his chin on my shoulders.
"But then can we have shower cuddling...?"He asked, brightening up.
I turned to him now, and his eyes were wide with anticipation. Very gently, I ran my hands up his sides, feeling his firm and toned body with the very tips of my fingers. He seemed to tremor a little and go weak at the knees, but still he held firm as we came together again. My head rested on him now as the warm water ran through all the small crevices between us. Slowly his hands rubbed my back, soothing me as he hummed our favorite song and swayed me gently as if we were dancing together. His hands fell at my hips and he braced his forehead against mine. The water that fell over us now split and covered us, as if a veil hid our faces and I looked into his eyes. How I loved this silly boy in front of me. I felt his hands fall a little bit more, caressing my bottom and then slightly up my thighs... my abs.. my chest... and he reached my cheeks and paused as he leaned in and I felt his lips press against mine.
My heart skipped beats as I gave in and felt myself go weak at the knees.
"I love you Aiden" He said as he held me, still rocking me back and forth.
"I love you too Henry" I whispered, and he grinned as he turned off the water and ushered me out.
"You're going to turn into a prune if you're in here much longer..."
I got dressed now, a light cotton T-shirt, whatever pants that found their way onto me would do. It was late in the afternoon now, then sun was making its motions to set and I began to put aside everything that was in my head and pick up one of my books. Infectious Diseases. Fascinating. Really.
While looking at one of the biggest pustules I've ever seen, Henry sat down beside me. I snuggled up against him as he made fake retching sounds.
"I don't know how you look at that stuff.." he commented before pulling a throw over us. I felt so warm and content, my boyfriend behind me, a textbook in my hands, and the feeling that nothing would ever compare to this moment. Every once in a while I'd turn over to look at Henry's iPad, he was organizing his portfolios and sending emails to catch up on the events he had missed.
"I don't know how you look at that stuff.." I echoed, and he chuckled.
Dinner time came and Henry woke me up, telling me he had ordered Chinese for us.
"You could have woken me up.. we could have cooked something.." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
"I could have... but you were just so adorable laying there sleeping... drooling.."
"I don't drool!" I quipped.
"Sure sure." He nodded
Fortunately I had read quite a few pages that afternoon and the little nap had no effect on my assignments. When I finished typing my third page, the doorbell rang and dinner was served.
Fried rice, sautéed green beans and some roasted chicken later, it was back onto the couch for the two of us.
"We're like an old married couple" Henry observed
"We basically are a married couple..." I corrected.
"Maybe soon..." He said absent mindedly, and while I pretended not to hear, my entire body tingled at the mention, but I didn't know what else to say.
In that moment, I briefly hallucinated to myself, thinking about a life where I was married to Henry. We would live like we are now, except inexplicably happier. We would love like we do now, except with a depth that was unmeasurable. Just thinking about it all made the weight on my shoulders feel lighter, as if I could finally take a breath of relief from everything that was going on...
I only hoped that time would come soon...
Author: Thank you so much for sticking with me! I love hearing from you all and if you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know at Keito.Nakagawa@gmail.com.
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