----AIDEN----
The sky had turned dark before I had figured out that I was still sitting in this alley, crying to myself.
"Are you okay?" a voice asked me, and I looked up to a woman hunched over me, a look of concern on her face.
"I-I'm fine. T-Thank you..." I got up quickly, walking my way out of the alley.
I trudged my way back to my apartment, and laid on my bed, refusing to even change out of my clothes.
When I had woken up, it was somewhere around 8 at night, and I heard movement in the area outside my room. I panicked for a bit and peeked out around the door. There was a flash of movement and I saw Josh's face as he reached over and threw something into the pan he had on the stove.
"Josh?" I peeked out of my bedroom and he glanced up at me.
"Hey... Sorry, I just..... let myself in, your left your door open... and you looked so tired that I didn't want to wake you..... I just wanted to check in on you since you disappeared from the hospital."
"S-Sorry..." I said sheepishly.
"Why don't you go change out of your work clothes, and we can have dinner, I'm almost done actually." He nodded to himself.
I threw off my clothes in my room, my home wear clothes ended up being a pair of sweatpants that were just a little too long, and a T-shirt that had been worn so much it had loosened on me. Personally, I thought I looked like a hobo, but at least...... I would be comfortable. I had become a little more slender now, these clothes used to fit me so well...
When I walked out, I could almost feel Josh's gaze focus on me and he froze for a bit before placing the plates down in front of the small TV in the room. He had made a small stuffed porkchop, and some simple roasted vegetables.
"I know you don't eat a lot of meat, and I remembered you said you liked veggies so.... I-"
"I love it." I cut him off, sensing that he was about to go on an awkward explaining run.
We ate while watching an old re-run of Bewitched, laughing at the antics of a suburban housewife gifted with magic. I could feel Josh slip his arm around me, casually resting it on the sofa and I felt him lean a little closer. My heart wrenched again and I felt myself cringe and shrink further into myself.
Josh's arm fell down a bit, letting him fully wrap it around my shoulders and for just a brief... desperate moment, I let myself lean into him. His head rested gently upon mine and I felt..... comfortable. I felt relaxed, for the first time in so long. It was then that I worked up the courage to look at him. He smiled broadly at me and our mouths drew closer and closer together.
I kissed him.
I did... so much more afterwards. I don't remember what happened next, just the brief flashes of his body on mine, and my body being pushed against the bed. Josh's hands on my hips and his lips on my neck. The feeling of being completed and yet so utterly destroyed wracked my body and then the feeling of emptiness followed.
When it was over, my naked body lay against his, Josh's arm was wrapped around me, and I felt his finger trace up and down my bare chest. I could tell he was grinning broadly, and I couldn't bring myself to look at him.
What had I done?
The image of Henry grew further and dimmer in my mind. How long had it been since I had felt this comforting embrace? How terrible a person was I, to have loved him, and then slept with Josh?
I am a terrible person...
I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep.
The next morning I thanked Josh for spending the night and cooking for me and saw him off. My leave from work had carried over and I didn't feel much like seeing anything there today. Instead, I did what I did best. I distracted myself.
Running again, I left my apartment and bolted, as far and as fast as I could. I ran and ran... and ran... and ran. When I finally grew tired, I stopped, and my mind flashed back to yesterday, again the warmth of Josh's body on mine, the feeling of him inside me... and I began to run again.
Finally my body gave out again and I just about crumpled into a heap. I heaved and gasped for air, bracing myself against a storefront. Any attempts to stand up again resulted in my legs turning to jelly.
"Are you okay?" I looked up to find a familiar face now. The same woman from the alley stood in the doorway of the store.
"I-I'm fine." I said again, trying to get up and failing. She caught me and helped me to my feet.
"Come with me..." She said, leading me into the store behind us. I looked at the sign, a dance studio with a name in French that I couldn't pronounce.
She sat me down on the plush chair in the back of the store and gave me a bottle of water.
"I don't..... know what is going on for you, and I don't know what you're doing running yourself into the ground, but I know you're much too young to have problems like this." She said, sitting in front of me.
I looked away from her, not daring to meet her gaze.
A sigh came from her and she spoke again. "You know, if you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, but you cant be like this every time you have a problem.... Come with me." She said now, gesturing to a smaller room next door.
A smaller, mirror walled dance room awaited us. She smiled as she began stretching and advised that I do the same. Awkwardly I began my stretches, things that I hadn't done since my more athletic high school days.
"You're quite flexible....." She noted.
"Y-Yeah... " I smiled gently, still trying to make sense of what I was doing.
Over the next three hours, she taught me the basics of ballet, and after two hours my legs began to become jelly again.
"Now.... This gives you that sense of tiredness... without breaking your heart, I think that's been broken in other ways.... Don't you?" She smiled, helping me to stand.
"Yeah..." I looked away
I finally learned her name as I left that day, Meena. She smiled to me and waved with a promise that her studio was open anytime I needed.
When I got home, I found Josh there again, waiting for me.
"Hey... are you... okay?" He asked worriedly. "Yeah..." My weak body betrayed the sense of strength I wanted to portray.
He helped me into the room and I grinned as he set me down on the couch and he began to busy himself in the kitchen. I still felt the need to tell him everything about...... our night together. But... I was so exhausted, and that was my excuse....
I lived in a blissful excuse that I would tell him at some point, but I knew I never would.
"Aiden? Do you wanna take a shower? This thing wont be done for a bit.... Since you were....... Out running?" Josh asked, the last part of his question trailing upwards in skepticism.
A quick shower later I came back out and sat down on the couch. Seeing me plop down, Josh brought over a spoonful of something, hinting that I should taste it..
"It's delicious" I smiled,
"Butternut squash soup, my old family recipe...." He smiled back.
"From a can you mean?" I asked, nodding to the can sitting on the counter
"Well.... This IS what we drank when we were growing up....."
We laughed a bit as he went back to cooking, and I laid back on my couch, pulling my blanket over my legs. My head felt so clear, as if things were going to be okay for the first time. It was that sense of sheer exhaustion that I loved, one so intense it cleared your mind, and I was simply grateful..... so grateful that someone was here with me at least.
After a small dinner of soup and Josh's actual homemade "goodies" we were laying back on the couch together. He slid his arms around me and pulled me closer again.
"Josh....." I said reluctantly, I began feeling the very edges of my mind creep back into the reality of it all.
"I know.... " He said, pulling the blanket over my legs again, and slowly caressing my forehead, coaxing me to sleep with my head resting against his thighs.
I laid there, my head resting on his thighs, but my mind was wide awake.... I heard him dozing off and let him sleep. Looking up at him from his lap I could see the small adorable way his chin drooped when he leaned back, the soft eyes that fluttered just slightly while he slept. I felt sorry to him again.....
Three days later, I went running again, this time to a park. I ran along the jogging path smiling politely at the dog owners out walking their dogs and paused 2 miles later at a small cliff that overlooked the city. It was getting late now, the sky began to darken a bit as the sun began disappearing beyond the horizon. I sat down on one of the small benches and watched as the sky turned a brilliant shade of orange and slowly melted into black. I sat down and felt the cool breeze whip around me, it was such a beautiful sight to watch the city come alive. One by one the lights flickered on, traffic thickened as the weekend traffic began to take hold of the roadways.
My phone pinged and I smiled
Josh: Hey, where are you? Dinner?
I grinned and texted him back, telling him I'd be a bit running back to my apartment. The response was simply an instruction for me to "Wait there" and that he'd come get me on his way back from the grocers.
Sitting on the small park bench, I closed my eyes and let myself be utterly lost in my thoughts... I thought about Henry, I think.... Maybe I had come to terms, that this was for his own good, and that maybe..... I'd be okay without him... it didn't hurt as much now..... Then I thought of Josh... the realization that I could never truly be with him was a constant in my mind, I still hadn't told him why, but I still haven't rejected his advances yet.... And ever since that night, he's been so patient with me.
"Aiden..." I turned around, expecting to see Josh, only to find Henry standing behind me.
"H-Henry..." "Aiden... why?" "W-What?" "Do you really not love me any more?" "H-How did you find me here?" "How could I not know where you are? Did you think I could really just let you go so easily?" "Henry.... Stop." I said, scooting to the distant side of the bench. "Aiden... do you know how much I cried, how much it hurt for me to get out of the damn jail cell to come home and have you make our house a prison for me?" "I...w-" "Do you know, how much I hated being there, but I forced myself to stay there in case you found your way back to me....? And then I found you, for just a fleeting few moments, and then I realized, you were the one who saved my life.... And then..... and then... and th-" Henry's voice trailed off now as I looked at him, a great welling of tears began pooling in my eyes. "Henry...." I put my hand on his shoulder, and he shirked away. "And then....... You left me, you said those words to me...." "I'm sorry...." "I'm sorry? Is that all that you can say right now? Is that supposed to make it all better? The fact that you've disappeared for so long, and then suddenly when I find you.... You tell me you don't love me anymore?"
"N-no I-"
"I hate you..." Henry spat at me, and I fell silent.
"I loved you so much, and now you... you hate me too dont you"
"No! I... I ne-" I was suddenly slammed into the ground under Henry's body.
"You're about to hate me more..." He said as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine roughly.
"H-Henry!" I gasped as he pushed harder on my body and I felt my shirt be torn as he gripped it and his lips found their way to my neck. He kissed me there and I felt his hands running down my body again. That gentleness I missed no longer seemed there, his hands were gruff as they ran down to my waist and began tugging at my waistband.
"Henry please..... Please... not... not like this..." I whimpered, I couldn't bring myself to fight him, but I didn't want this...
He tore more of my shirt and as his furious hands reached down for my waistband again I felt them relent and I heard a soft sob from him.
"Aiden... please.... Tell me what I need to do... tell me what I need to do..." His eyes were watering now, his breath shallow.
"Henry... please..." I said again, moving his hands off my now exposed torso and to his side.
"I came here... to find you, I came here with every intention to tell you that I hated you.. . that this.... All this... could happen because I hated you..... but its not true..." He gestured helplessly at everything.
"I know..." I said softly
"When I say those words, theres nothing behind them, they're just sounds that come from here..." He touched his lips, "But when I say those words... it just hurts..... here..." He said, picking up my hand and placing it against his chest. His heartbeat, so familiar, yet now so distant from me pulsed against my palm.
"Tell me..... what I need to do... for you... please..." He said again.
"H-HEY!" another voice shouted as another figure darted forward and punched Henry, knocking him off me. It was Josh, his usually calm and smiling face a contorted mess of fear and anger.
"Aiden are you okay?" He kneeled down and looked me over, relenting only when I nodded.
"Who are you?!" He shouted, and I pulled his arm back, shaking my head.
Henry stayed on the ground, his body still in shock, another figure had appeared to help nurse him, Jason... ---
After tensions calmed, I brought them both back to my apartment, sitting them down, though they refused to sit next to each other, each hating the other, if only for my sake.
I sat down on the small coffee table opposite Henry and scooped his hands into my own. I brushed them gently, placing them against my cheek and smiling as they cupped my cheeks.
"Oh Aiden.... You look so different....but you're still there... I know..." He said.
Henry looked so worn out, his eyes were tired and his body quivering still. I couldn't lie to him anymore. I took a deep breath and told him to stay here for the night. That tomorrow, I would tell him everything... but tonight... he needed to rest, to calm down first. He nodded, still more out of helplessness than anything else. I could tell his mind was already spinning thinking about the worst. I smiled as I leaned in and kissed him, a small spark of something that reignited in that moment made his eyes light up again.
"Sleep..." I said gently, laying him down on the sofa.
Josh had opted to stay as well, his excuse being just in case I needed him, which I assured him, I wouldn't. However, he was involved in all this too... so I suppose I should be honest with him too.
After settling Henry on the couch, and with Josh on the floor with a pile of blankets in a make-shift sleeping bag, I closed the door to my room, turned off the lights and sat down on the ground. I didn't know what to do, how I'd face them tomorrow...
A knock came at my door and I opened it to find Jason standing outside, I forgotten him in the restroom and he came into the room, shutting the door behind him.
"Jason..." I said as he came up to me and very firmly slapped me across the face before throwing his arms around me, and though he never made a sound, I could feel the tears soaking my shoulder as his grip around me tightened. My cheek burned slightly but soothed a little as I pressed it against my best friend's neck.
He sat down beside me in bed and leaned on my shoulder, he never pushed me for anything, not saying a single word as he held my hand and turned on the television, settling on a sitcom that provided background noise. I stared at it blankly, my mind still reeling, and him still holding my hand tightly, letting me know he was there... whenever I was ready. Words probably could not describe how much I missed him, and I would never know as my mind turned blank. Somehow though, I think he knew and I was grateful he was here to sit with me while my mind wandered about the two boys outside.
Author: Thank you so much for sticking with me! I am so sorry it's been so long since my last chapter, and many thanks to all of you who have been writing me! I feel so privileged to have you read my story. I love hearing from you all and if you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know at Keito.Nakagawa@gmail.com.
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