--HENRY-- What did he just say...?
What did he mean...?
Those words... what did he mean when he said...
"I don't love you anymore."
"I don't love you anymore." Even repeating the words seemed to stab at my heart. I cringed, my entire body crunching together as I fell forward onto the couch.
How could he say that?
The door opened and I recognized the clicks on the floor as Elise made her way in, sitting beside me on the small table. She put a hand on my side, and I couldn't turn around to face her. I had bullied her into telling me where he was, and the reunion I had dreamed about... this wasn't it.
"Henry...?"
"He said.. he doesn't love me anymore..." There was silence that followed.
"Henry, I'm sur-"
"He said... he doesn't love me anymore..."
"Bu-"
"I.. just want to be alone please... can... can someone take me home?"
The car ride home was so painful, the things that I could see all seemed to remind me of him. The small park where we were caught in the rain... the small pavilion in the park that we sought refuge in. I remember laying on the bench with him... he was shivering and I could only hold him closer, keeping him as warm as I could until our rides arrived. His skin was so pale then. I was so young and stupid I almost thought he was going to freeze to death. I just remember looking at him, the damp hair that clung to his forehead... I can remember it all... but now.. that sense of warmth I got from that moment seemed... tainted. The small kiss we shared then... I missed it. I wanted to have that moment again.
"We're home.. sir." The driver repeated and I caught up with reality again. My house had never been as empty as it felt now. Without Aiden, things were a bit messier, but even with it looking so... lived in... it felt so cold. I laid down on the couch again, staring at the spot on the floor in front of me. A blanket still laid there, a reminder of where I had spent a good week or so just laying there and crying. God, how pitiful was I...?
It had been a while already, but I still remember coming home, finally released from that damn prison cell. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, I had missed having him beside me, the sense of joy he gave me... but instead I came home to find his sweater only, the rest of him... gone. Without a trace Aiden had vanished from my life. No one I asked knew where he was, no one he knew could tell me anything. Jason was at a loss, simply saying they were told he had taken a "leave" and every other lead vanished. I had people search far and wide, even stopping to see if Landon had somehow kidnapped him but to no avail. I felt so powerless and helpless. A week after exhausting every lead that came my way about him... I ran out of the power... the will to keep myself going. I had collapsed onto the floor in the small spot just between the coffee table and the TV. I didn't want to do anything other than lay there.
Just... lay there.
I had pulled the sweater from the bed and held in beside me, it still smelled just like him and I felt my entire body quiver as it seemed to be having a breakdown at the realization its companion was no longer here. I cried, and cried. My eyes were so tired somedays and other days were a blur of alcohol and staring at the ceiling. The cleaners that came to the house did their best to avoid me, but after a few sessions where they were touching the small things that reminded me of him, I sent them away. This place was ours, except now.. it was mine. Alone.
When I had finally remembered to gather my things from the police officers I found my coat and fell apart again as I found in my coat pocket the small velvet box I had worked so hard to get. Inside sat a small silver ring, its delicate features painstakingly crafted at my whim to best match Aiden's own gentle soul. I thought he was so beautiful and wanted to craft something to match. A small simple silver ring, its outward appearance seemingly plain with two bands that ran along the top and bottom edges of the ring. But when observed by the skilled eye, each gem was a flawless diamond carefully woven together with threads of silver that danced its way between each stone. It was simple and understated and I felt it was the best match for Aiden. I had finally gotten the nerve to commit and I was planning on proposing on Christmas Eve, but it seemed... that was not to be the case.
Part of the way I think I coped, was to do things that kept Aiden alive for me. I felt as if I should sit outside during the rain, the moments he loved the most hearing the drops fall against the concrete and the cool mist brush against his skin... I felt as if he could walk in at any minute holding his cup of tea and part of me allowed my brain to keep inventing these wild fantasies about him having been tied up at work for so long and finally making it home. Sadly, these fantasies never came true.
This of course, only lasted for a few days and I realized that I was slowly driving myself up a wall. Elise had been calling and trying to horn her way into the house lately. Jason had done the same, each time asking about Aiden and wondering if he was back yet. Of the two, I finally gave in when Elise showed up and ended up pushing her way in, regardless of what I had to say on the matter. She told me that she was done with my moping and that she would see me back at work this afternoon, or drag me in herself.
Reluctantly I acquiesced, wanting more to get her out of her yelling mood than moving on with my life. I took my shower and imagined still that Aiden was beside me, thinking about how familiar it was to walk into the bathroom and see his naked body behind the shower door, slightly obscured by the opaque glass between. I loved to join him, to hug him in a place that was so warm. His skin always had such a silken texture to it, it felt cool to the touch when I would brush up against him. I could distinctly remember the outline of him in the waters, the small droplets that would tease me as they hit his damp hair and drifted down his perfect neck. The way it fell across his collarbone and down his side, making only a short detour around his perfect hips before shooting down his slim athletic legs and into the drain.... These were now, simply memories, some odd recollection of a reality that seemed so far away.
I tried my best to focus at work, and strangely my mind took to it. I pushed forward, launching project after project, watching them fall into place like puzzle pieces. The company experience a boom in revenue, but I felt like my own body had taken a toll.
In a way, I was glad that it did, the exhaustion I felt kept me from staying awake, alone with my thoughts. I didn't have time to think about the empty spot beside me in bed.
The day that I saw him again, from that airplane crash, was the only time I had taken a pause. I was so delirious with everything that had happened to be sure that it was him, but when I had gone back to ask about the doctor who saved me, the attending who appeared wasn't him. I had been so sure.
I was sure.
Now, here I laid on the couch, wondering what had happened. How could he have said that? Was... our entire relationship just something that I had made up in my head?
The more I thought about it, the more I refused to accepted it. I loved him, and I know that he loved me.
"I know he loved me." I said aloud to myself. Then I caught it. Loved. He loved me. Did he still love me? Or was he still in love with me.
"No... he loves me." I corrected myself. I deluded myself for a while, convincing myself that it was true, so that I could at least sleep with maybe the smallest ounce of comfort.
The next morning, I woke up and sat in bed for a while, wondering whether or not today was a day worth getting up for. I had gotten used to the stillness of the house now, the idea that Aiden was gone somewhere, soon to come back had taken hold of me again. So I waited for him. I waited for him thinking that there was nothing wrong, that I had just missed him, or seen him in those fleeting moments before the door closes and you wonder if anyone was there. That's how I kept myself together during these days. Now, that belief seemed so hollow. I couldn't pretend anymore, nor would my mind let me. It haunted me with those stupid damned words that he said to me. The ones that I never thought I'd hear from him. I sat down on my bed, ignoring the hundreds upon hundreds of texts Elise had been sending to me. After staring at the wall for a good hour, I finally picked up my phone. I noticed that she had planned for my absence today, she had rearranged my schedule, clearing it for the week. The messages were all status updates on the events in the office, and the occasional worried text about eating. She alone had been my longest companion during my time at the company. Even her presence reminded me of him.
Just sitting in bed, I began to recount all the small moments that culminated in my finding my one true love....
Or at least who I thought was my one true love....
--- Aiden & Henry: Age 17---
I was in high school at the time, and he was just another boy on the swim team. One who had just recently as of a few months ago moved to the area and decided to transfer into the school and join whatever athletics he could. I smiled at him cordially, greeted him warmly, and secretly, gossiped about him to my classmates. Despite our best efforts, no one had any idea where he had come from, other than that he was from some smaller school further out in the reaches of the city. He was very smart, but at that time had a very calm and classic look. He wore light V-neck shirts that so perfectly accentuated his slim build. His jeans were never exceptionally tight, but still enough to notice the gentle musculature he had undoubtedly kept hidden. His hair was a simple dark reddish-brown that seemed so innocuous at first, but when the sunlight hit just right, it was a brilliant red that starkly contrasted his light skin and made him seem all the more alluring. I did my best to keep my distance from him, not knowing where he was from, I didn't want to get mixed up with a then.. nobody.
"Hi, my name is Aiden, I just transferred in a few weeks ago, and finally got permission to join the swim team, nice to meet you."
I looked up at the boy who was speaking before us, his smile was so genuine and his eyes bright and clear. My heart skipped a beat as he cocked his head to the side and grinned. The coach set him up with a locker directly across from mine and I began to notice him as he stripped down in the room, changing into his swimwear. For some reason, I looked away when he took off... the more intimate articles of clothing. I felt shy around him, as if with a glance he could blow me away. Yet little did I know at the time, that he would do just that....
Aiden was an amazing swimmer, quickly rising in the team's ranks and even being asked for pointers by some of the teams more senior members. He was never arrogant, and always humble. He fit in so perfectly, even without the reputation of being some famous entrepreneur's son, or some artist's lovechild. I became infatuated with him, he was so perfect that whenever I thought of him, I cringed and wished so hard for him to be in my arms. I did little things to talk to him when we were getting ready for practices. I offered to help get him a towel, to help him clean his goggles because I just happened to have time to do so... those things.
Our locker room exchanges continued as the year drew on, and my habits had grown on me. I still looked away whenever he changed, and I blushed secretly when he called my name to go into the pool. "Henry! What are you doing after today?" He smilled as he jumped behind me, his entire body wet and the small droplets falling from his arms onto my back.
"It's the last meet before winter break, I think Im going to just... go home and finally get some sleep." I chuckled.
"Aw... that's boring.." He smiled, and before I could defend myself, he was called away and I was left standing there, wondering about what he had meant to ask me. (Obviously, I know now that he was asking me out... though he'll never admit that.)
After the event was over, the team hustled into the locker rooms, everyone in a flurry to quickly finish and be on their way to vacation escapes. With one of the showers broken, we were all fighting to not be the odd man out who had to wait. Unfortunately for us, we were left the only two who did not fight aggressively enough to secure a spot. When I looked at the shower stall, I noticed Aiden walking in, looking around for another empty stall besides the one that had been cordoned off for repairs. I gestured to him on a reflex and he came over.
"Uh... i-if you w-want, you can shower with me..." I remember stuttering out. Just as soon as the words left my mouth I felt a tremendous sense of dread wash over me.
What was I saying? Was I being too forward!? UNDO!! SAY YOU WERE JOKING!
"Uh... you know, since we're both guys... anyway.." I quickly added.
"Sure..." Aiden replied before making his way into the stall, and I numbly closed the door behind us. I couldn't believe the cute boy that was standing in front of me now, and just as I stared at him, he removed his towel and hung it on the hook off to the side of the stall. I gulped as I noticed for the first time, his pure and uncovered.... Perfectly formed butt.
"Are you... going to stand there and watch me?" He asked, confused as he turned on the water and shivered as the first blast of cool water hit him.
"S-sorry" I stumbled again, dropping my towel a little too fast and getting it too wet to be of any use.
An absent minded washing later, I heard the team outside starting to leave their stalls as doors opened and closed. The last few members stuck around a bit more and I overheard them talking.
"Where'd Aiden go? He was the last one in, I thought he'd be taking a shower still.. I was hoping he'd come with us to get pizza after..."
"Wait who's in the last stall?"
"Henry."
"Oh! Henry! Are you coming to pizza?!" Patrick, the team's mood-maker called.
"Sorry! Can't make it! I've got a flight to London to catch and need some sleep!" I replied, and they seemed satisfied, though disappointed, with my answer.
Aiden looked at me now, surprised at my sudden outburst.
"Sorry." I nodded and he smiled that cute smile that I would become oh so familiar with.
"Aiden!?" The same voice called into the showers and before Aiden could reply, I quickly darted my hand up to his mouth and kept him from replying. I may have come forward a little too quickly, and my gentle covering of his mouth became me accidentally shoving him against the wall, his eyes widened in surprise.
"Guess he must have gone home to shower then..." I heard Patrick say to the guys before leaving.
"S-sorry! Are you hurt?" I jumped to attention, lowering my hand.
There, in that moment, there was a pause, one so thick with tension it was tangible as I noticed that I had pretty much pressed my entire naked body against his. I gulped again, realizing that in doing so I had also pretty much pushed our crotches together and for the first time felt his... well... lets just say it was everything I had ever imagined.
God, he looked so beautiful in that moment, the small slim but firm frame he had, the gleam in his eyes as he stared at me in shock before smiling awkwardly.
"I'm.. I'm okay..." He said, as I realized where I was again and leaned further back, letting him stand on his own.
We showered in silence, finishing up before leaving and I smiled at him awkwardly still. He finished dressing, this time in a light grey V-neck and a pair of jeans complete with a darker long cardigan that hung on his shoulders, further showing off his long and slender form.
"You're going to London too? I have a flight there tomorrow morning." He said
"Oh! M-Maybe we'll bump into each other then." I replied, instantly regretting my choice of words.
'Bump? Really?' I chastised myself.
"Haha maybe!" He grinned before waving goodbye and I waved in return, drooling over the scene replaying in my head from earlier.
I really looked forward to flying to London that break... as if by some miracle I knew I'd be finding him again. Little did I know....
"A-Aiden?" my face must have all too easily shown the eagerness I was trying to conceal.
"Yes, this is my son, Aiden. He just started attending your school, do you... know each other?"
"Y-Yes Mr. Park, Aiden joined the swim team... and we've... become friends." I hesitated for a moment.
"Hi Henry" Aiden blushed and I felt that scene slowly creeping up in my head again.
"Ah, well you two will have to entertain yourselves in London then, business calls and your father and I will be a bit longer until we return to the hotel. Do take care of Aiden for me wont you Henry? He's not used to all this traveling." I nodded, still a bit dumbstruck at my luck.
Once Aiden's father had taken care of the tab, I watched in shock still as he went outside and greeted my own father warmly and the two departed off into some meeting in an obscure building I'd never visit.
"Uh... so... Aiden... how are...you?" I felt tremors up and down my spine as I sat down again, realizing for the first time just how quiet this little cafe‚ was.
"I'm good, a little tired from rushing about to get over here... I didn't plan very far ahead and had to last- minute pack." He chuckled a little, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Ah... well, if you need anything... "
"Maybe... just some company for a walk?" He said, picking up his cup and gesturing to the door.
"S-Sure."
We walked a bit down the streets and noted how unseasonably cool it was. I pointed out to him the small food carts that littered the touristy space. We walked until the sites became boring, and my legs felt as if they had gone a few dozen miles. It was then that I felt Aiden's hand grab mine and with a big smile on his face he pulled me towards a small building that I'd never noticed. I smiled and let myself be dragged along as he seemed to know the man who sat at the counter. He gestured towards me and the man nodded before giving him a key.
"What... is this?"
"It's my favorite place to visit when my father comes here. I just found out about this place a year ago, but the owner is nice enough to lend me some time during the off seasons." He had brought us to a large gymnastics area, mats were all over the floor and wide spacious areas to practice Olympic level sports were neatly kept. I was in awe as the lights in the last corner of the room flickered on and I watched as Aiden quickly ran forward and with ease flipped forward, tumbling quickly onto the floor and with an exuberance I've never seen from anyone at that point, he eagerly hopped back and gracefully performed a small elaborate floor routine.
"A-Are you a gymnast?"
"Haha no, just things I picked up when I was watching some of the atheletes. With swimming gone now, I have to find things to do... and I've always wanted to do... well... this!" He grinned backflipping again, and this time I was able to notice the small perfect curve his body made as he so gently landed, his feet gently touching down on the mat.
I excused myself, relegating myself to a position on the bleachers located to the side of each activity he wanted to try. I watched as he bounced back and forth on the trampolines, his seemingly favorite of the available activities. Just like that, two hours passed and when Aiden had finally come down from his activity high, he walked towards me, his knees giving out slightly as he plopped on the mats before me and sighed deeply.
"I feel so tired... but... so good..." He grinned.
"You should be... just watching you made me tired." I laughed, getting up to sit next to him. I looked at him, his body covered in sweat and lay down beside him. I felt his warmth radiating off him, and the small puffs of his breath as he fought to regain his breathing.
I was so focused on his breathing, on the feeling of him beside me, I hardly noticed that he had drifted off... Here, was this beautiful boy who laid next to me, and I was mesmerized by him. I studied him, from the way his hair clung to his forehead, to the way his feet gently laid next to each other so peacefully and refined. I watched as his shirt rode up just enough to show me the very hints of his fine physique, but still enough to drive me wild. God how I must have looked to anyone who could have seen me... I let him sleep for a little bit, and realizing the small window at the far edge of the room had turned dark, I gently shook him.
"Aiden... we should go back to the hotel room..."
"Mm... too sore..." He groaned, his voice gritty with sleep.
"C'mon, we cant stay here all night..." I pulled him up a little and he grimaced a little as his stiff muscles protested.
"Sleep..." He mumbled again.
We trudged our way out of the building, nodding to the owner who smiled and called us a ride. Back at the hotel, I helped Aiden into the elevator before realizing that I had no idea which room he was in.
"Aiden.. do you know what hotel room you're in...?"
"2...2..2.4..5" He said sleepily, his body clearly still exhausted.
"What?" I couldn't quite understand him. Rather than waiting in the elevator, I decided it would be best just to take him back to my hotel room.
I brought him in and he protested as I started to tilt us towards the bed.
"N-No... your room... sofa..." he pointed, pushing off slightly to direct himself.
"But.." and before I could say anything else, he had slipped from my arms and laid down on the sofa, curling himself into a small ball.
I sighed, smiling slightly as he was so adorable the way he curled up against the back of the sofa, nestled in and at that moment, I didn't dare bother him anymore. Instead, I pulled a blanket from the folded linens in the closet and threw it over him, and I somehow managed to sneak a pillow underneath him. That was the first night I saw Aiden sleep... the first time that I felt so... in love with him.
But where... was he now?
Why am I alone again...? Why...?
Author: Thank you so much for sticking with me! I am so sorry it's been so long since my last chapter, and many thanks to all of you who have been writing me! I feel so privileged to have you read my story. I love hearing from you all and if you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know at Keito.Nakagawa@gmail.com.
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