Affirmation

Affirmation 8

Hey everyone, this chapter is longer than usual, but I think that's okay. Some of you were confused by 7, and others of you figured out that the story is in Darren's P.O.V. so if he's confused, you will be too. If you re-read that one after this, it'll all make sense, I promise.

Thanks to everyone who wrote me. Please keep writing. I love hearing from all of you, especially those who haven't written before. Happy reading! Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

disclaimer: This story contains gay subject matter. Do not read if you are under age or if it is illegal for you to do so. I am not suggesting that the following people follow the sexual orientations suggested in the story: Darren Hayes, Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating, Jason Brown, Stephen Gately, Shane Lynch, (and by mention only) Daniel Jones, Yvonne Keating, Eloy De Jong, Tom Cruise, and Nicole Kidman.

On the way back to his room Darren ran into a little girl and her mother in the corridor. The child wore a little pink dress with white ruffles around the bottom and lace trim around the top. A sash with pastel bunnies hopping along was tied in a big bow around her waist, and she wore a little white beret cocked jauntily to the side with a few wisps of blonde hair peeking out from underneath. The woman was dressed in a pastel green business suit that complimented her child's frock perfectly. Her blonde hair was done up in a tight bun and held in place by those trendy chinese sticks. Though she smiled down at the girl, her natural expression was more stern.

Under Ronan's glare, Darren had briefly forgotten that he was still in his underwear. As the strangers drew closer, he remembered. Too late to hide, Darren kept walking. He had to pass them to get to his room, after all. Maybe he'd luck out and they'd think his gray cotton boxers with the little cats marching up the leg were just regular shorts. He pulled his shirt down over the thick elastic waistband. The woman caught his eye. They nodded an acknowledgement. Darren sighed internally. She hadn't noticed. Her daughter, though, was right at crotch level. The girl giggled and tugged at her mom's arm, wanting to point, but not doing it because she had been told many times that pointing was very, very unladylike. The woman followed the child's gaze right to Darren's boxers. Like a true New Yorker, she didn't react at all. She simply said "good day" to Darren and pulled her child along. The girl looked back at him, still grinning delightedly. Darren's face burned in embarrassment. As they rounded the corner, the girl yelled,

"You're lucky! I get in trouble if I go out in my underwear!"

Darren laughed and yelled back, "So do I!"

He disappeared into his room to get dressed. Once he got out of the shower, gelled his hair up the way he liked it, and pulled on his black leather pants and his silvery polyester top that still managed to be clingy despite being two sizes too big, he crashed out on the bed and ordered room service. He knew he should go check on Robbie and see if he was set for his concert that night, but he just didn't feel like it. He watched Sally Jesse (topic: I'm Getting Rich Off My Talented Child, And I Feel Great!) and tried not to think about Ronan. Embarrassing as it was, he had been a little scared of him earlier and quite thankful for the 20 or so steps that separated them. He berated himself for it. He couldn't let that happen again. Daniel wouldn't.

Then his thoughts turned to Stephen. Ronan kept him firmly in check when the other guys were around, but privately, as Darren had seen, Stephen was not tolerant of such heavy-handedness. But why didn't he stand up for himself when Ronan dictated his every move? If Daniel did that to him, and he couldn't imagine such a thing happening, Darren would blow a fuse! Still, he knew if he asked Stephen, he would reward him with another cryptic reply. And did he care that much, really? He did like Stephen after all, and was concerned for his well being, but not worried as with Robbie, and when it came down to the line, he was more focused on Ronan than Stephen despite being put off by him.

His club sandwich and Coke were wheeled in by a tall blonde who looked alarmingly like Daniel. Darren did a double take. The bellboy pretended not to notice. He took his tip and nodded as Darren followed him to the door. On Sally Jesse a twelve year old pianist was saying,

"If my mom's going to take my money, then I want to set my own bedtime." This set off a slew of reactions from the studio audience, including a snap happy woman who shrieked,

"I don't get nothing from my babies. I give everything I've got to them. You being selfish, not helping yo mama. You, mama, you selfish too, think you all that taking yo baby's money. Oughta put that up, send that boy to college!" The audience roared in approval.

Darren heard a thump against his door. He nearly opened it, then opted instead to look out the security hole. He was instantly glad for his decision. Ronan stood against the opposite wall. J stood in front of him. Ronan had a Band-Aid across his temple. J was talking into his ear. Ronan's face betrayed nothing and his vacant stare settled on Darren's door. Darren wondered if he knew that he was watching--if he knew that this was his room, even. He had to know. Ronan cocked his head toward's J, listening intently. Occasionally he nodded slightly.

Through the door, Darren heard him say, "I know, I know." J kept talking to him and gradually Ronan started shaking his head. J gently rubbed Ronan's hair and leaned towards him so their foreheads touched. Ronan closed his eyes, but continued shaking his head "no." J lightly traced Ronan's jawline with the back of his fingers as Ronan turned away, looking down the corridor to his room.

Ronan looked like he wanted to bolt. J placed his hand on Ronan's chest, preventing escape. Ronan looked at him with that icy gaze that Darren knew so well. Rather than disintegrate, J pulled him close and hugged him tightly. Gradually, Ronan's demeanor dropped and he hugged back, clutching J to him like a worn teddy bear. J was whispering to him again and this time he just kept his head on J's shoulder. Darren wondered if he knew what J was saying. As he reached up to bury his hand in Ronan's hair, the blonde jerked back and shoved him. J looked down the corridor and smiled at an unseen person. He kept an arm firmly wrapped around Ronan's shoulders. Ronan elbowed him sharply in the ribs and he fell over clutching his side. Alarmed, Ronan frantically looked from J to the other person. Finally, he shrugged helplessly and ran off. Immediately, a blur passed Darren's door. Seconds later Ronan returned, dragged along by Shane. He released his arm suddenly, causing him to stumble into J, who was only now standing upright.

"God, Ro," Shane said with disgust, "you just can't help hurting people, can you?"

J mumbled calmly to Shane and even lifted his shirt to show that he wasn't hurt in the least. Ronan looked at him gratefully as Shane threw his hands in the air and walked off, calling over his shoulder,

"Don't think I'll keep quiet about this!"

"Shane!" Ronan called, his eyes widening with concern. "Please!"

Out of Darren's sight, Shane yelled, "You have to make it up, Ro!"

Ronan started for him, stumbling forward blindly, but J pulled him back. He yelled something at Shane. From Ronan's relieved reaction, Darren knew he had talked Shane out of telling what he had seen. Now J turned back to Ronan and looked like he would kiss him, but instead simply pressed his left cheek to Ronan's right.

"Why do you have to be that way, J?" Ronan asked sadly. J pulled away quizzically. "Do you know how much easier my life would be if you weren't so perfect?" Ronan asked. J shrugged playfully. Ronan rubbed his hair. He crinkled his face in mock disgust as he pulled his hand away covered in hair gel. He wiped it on J's wifebeater. J grinned and Ronan laughed. Quickly, J kissed him on the lips. It was a deep kiss and Ronan's reaction wasn't of disgust, but something akin to betrayal tinged with longing. He let J kiss him. His own contribution to the liplock amounted to simply not moving: either to kiss back or dodge away. When J released him, he stepped back dizzily. J peered at him curiously. Ronan shook his head ferociously like he was trying to put his brain back in place. He tapped J lightly on the shoulder for no apparent reason and stiffly walked out of Darren's view. J leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. He watched Ronan leave, then turned towards Darren's door and grinned like a Cheshire cat. He focused, unblinking, at the little glass hole to which Darren had glued his eye. Darren nearly pulled back, then reminded himself that J couldn't possibly see him or know he was there. J kept smiling and nodded slightly. He held his index finger up and mouthed the word "One" at the door before bringing it to his lips in a "shhh". Then he sprang forward and banged his body against the door, pressing his eye to the hole, before pushing off again, laughing and running down the hall.

When Darren saw the muscular toughie hurtling towards him, he nearly wet his pants. "Thank God for steel doors" was his first thought as he fell against the wall after J ran off. "What the hell was that?" was his second.

He called Robbie to make sure he was up and moving. No one answered, so Darren found the key he had taken that morning and trekked down to Robbie's room. He passed Stephen on the way. Stephen gave him a winning smile and invited him out with the rest of them later that day. He accepted, wondering if the invitation would stand after Stephen found out that he had been privy to the secret stairwell conference. As he reached Robbie's door, he looked back in time to see Stephen entering Ronan's room.

Robbie didn't answer his door. Darren momentarily panicked, fearing a repeat of last night. He forgot about the key in his hand and pounded harder, flinging his forearm and fist against the door. As he did, the key flew out of his grip and fluttered to the floor. He stared down at it and groaned. He blushed and picked it up, checking that no one had seen his display of stupidity. The bellboy who looked like Daniel was 7 doors down, but he wasn't looking in Darren's direction. Quickly, Darren opened the door and entered.

"Robbie?" he called frantically.

"Robert?"

No response. He ran to the closet and it was empty. He checked the bathroom, the balcony, even under the bed. Finally relief replaced the panic as he accepted that Robbie had undoubtedly gone off to the venue already. Sure enough, on the TV he found a little note telling him when to arrive and that tickets would be waiting at the door. He shoved it in his pocket and left, a little embarrassed at his zealous search. Of course Robbie would have left by now. Why wouldn't he? He was a professional, after all.

Darren pressed the call button on the elevator then reminded himself that he was trying to bulk up. He opened the stair door slowly, praying that he wouldn't interrupt anyone this time. The stairwell was empty as far as he could see, so he bounded down the steps keeping his arms clenched in front of him like he'd seen prize fighters do. He hit the bottom landing with a triumphant thud and shot his arms in the air, nodding to an invisible crowd that cheered for him and only him. He fell out into the lobby still laughing to himself. He saw Shane sitting on the couch, watching him. His face burned and the giggles stopped in his throat, choking him. Shane, however, grinned at him and waved him over.

"You sure get excited about stairs, eh?" Shane joked.

Darren giggled. He clapped his hand over his mouth. Did he just giggle? Oh, God. "I guess," he said quickly.

Shane patted the spot next to him, but as Darren sat down, Shane hopped up and perched on the couch's arm furthest from Darren. He clasped his hands between his knees and lazily gazed at Darren. Darren smiled uncomfortably.

"So, doing anything today?" Shane asked.

Darren shrugged. "What are you doing?"

"I was kinda looking for Stephen. We were going to do some shopping. I have to get something for my sisters."

"I just saw Stephen," Darren said. "He was going into Ronan's room."

Shane nodded slowly. "He'll be awhile, then."

"You think?" Darren asked, hoping Shane could hand out some illumination.

But all he said was, "those two," rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"Yeah," Darren said, pretending to understand.

Shane slid off the arm. "Why don't you come with me?" he asked.

"I'm going to Robbie's concert tonight," Darren said.

Shane shrugged. "We'll be back in time."

"Okay, then. Let's go," Darren said. Shane started off ahead of him, then gestured for Darren to catch up.

"I'm not leading a parade here," he joked. Darren laughed and trotted up next to him. "Let's try this again," Shane said, and this time they stayed together as they stepped out on the street.

"Where are we going?" Darren asked as Shane hailed a cab.

"FAO Schwartz," Shane said to both the cabbie and Darren.

"Rock!" Darren said. Shane raised his eyebrow in amusement and Darren went pink. He turned to the window until it passed.

"Keavy's into butterflies," Shane was saying as Darren refocused.

"You could get her some barrettes," Darren said.

"That's what I thought, too." Shane agreed. "What about Eddie?"

"Eddie?" Darren said blankly.

"Edele. What about her?"

"I dunno. What does she like?"

"I just told you," Shane said, grinning slightly.

"Oh. What did you say?" Darren asked.

"She likes bears."

"They got them some bears at Schwartz," the driver said.

"Cool," Shane said.

The driver pulled up in front of the store. "$4.50," he said. Shane paid him as Darren bounded up the steps towards the huge palace of toys. He gazed in wonder at the red velvet ropes separating the stream of incoming and outgoing patrons. Employees dressed as toy soldiers greeted everyone and the familiar FAO Schwartz song leaked through the open doors. Shane draped his arm around his shoulder and smiled with him.

"Are we gonna stand here all day, or go in?" Shane said.

"Let's go!" Darren ran off with Shane right behind him. The toy soldier winked at him, probably because he was grinning so broadly. Darren stared up at the huge tree with the singing clock face as the other people buzzed around him. Shane sang along with the tree.

"Welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world of toys!"

Darren laughed.

"C'mon, let's do this fast. All those people make me uneasy," Shane said.

"Get over it," Darren chided. He pointed to a sign. "Girls stuff is on the third floor."

They reached the level and immediately a blonde woman in a Catholic School jumper accosted them with a singing Britney Spears doll.

"She sings! Comb her hair! She's Britney! She's only $50! She's going fast!" she chirped. They quickly passed her.

"Darren!" Shane blurted, holding up a yellow bear in a white dress.

"Cute," Darren said. "But what about this one?" he asked, grabbing one dressed in denim.

"Oooh," Shane said. "That's more like it!" He tucked it under his arm. They wandered around the floor looking for butterflies. Darren found a headband, but Shane vetoed it. Shane attacked him with a butterfly hand puppet. Darren batted him away, laughing. He watched him as Shane put it back on the rack.

"Steve would love this," Darren said, showing a Hercules doll. "You should get him something."

"Why?" Shane asked.

"Why not?"

"You're right," Shane said, grabbing it from him.

"Is Ronan always so hard on him?" Darren asked.

Shane rolled his eyes. "Not usually. He's just an ass these days."

"Because of his solo career?"

"Among other things," Shane said.

"Like what?" Darren asked.

"Do you like these?" Shane said, holding up a string of butterfly bracelets.

"They're cute," Darren said. He walked around the display, trying different approaches in his mind to draw Shane out.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Depends what it is," Shane said.

"What's up with J?"

"What do you mean?" Shane asked hesitantly.

"I saw what happened today with J and Ro. I saw you, too. It was right outside my room. I saw everything."

"I see." Shane said. He put the bracelets back and continued looking, avoiding Darren's gaze. Darren pressed on.

"Is there something going on between them?"

"What do you mean?" Shane asked.

"Well, Ronan was acting, I don't know, weird, kind of upset."

"So?"

"J kissed him after you left." Darren said.

"Shit!" Shane blurted, and looked around to see several disapproving mothers glaring at him. "Figures," he said, quieter.

"I guess I shouldn't have said anything," Darren said.

Shane shrugged. "You were bound to figure it out before long."

"So, there is something going on?" Darren asked.

Shane sighed. "Ronan and J had a," he hesitated, searching for the right word, "a fling, a year ago."

"So that's what Stephen meant," Darren said, more to himself than Shane.

"What?" Shane asked.

"This morning, I heard Stephen say that something happened a year ago, after Ronan yelled at him for what happened at the wedding reception. He said Ronan wasn't doing enough about it."

Shane snorted in agreeing disgust. "That's an understatement."

"Stephen was pretty upset."

Shane nodded. "He doesn't show it much. I wondered."

"Are you okay?" Darren asked.

"I'm a little pissed," Shane admitted, "but what does it matter? I can't do anything about it."

"You sure were trying this morning," Darren said. "I saw you yell at Ronan, remember?"

"Well, he shouldn't do that to people!" Shane said sharply.

"He hardly even touched J, he just poked him a little," Darren said. He was a little confused at his need to defend Ronan so abruptly.

"I meant he shouldn't do that to Stephen," Shane said.

"Why is it worse for Stephen than the rest of you?"

Shane glanced around quickly. He pulled Darren close to him. Following his lead, Darren pretended to be very interested in a display of colorful cardboard jewelry boxes.

"What?" Darren asked.

"When Ronan and J were, um, whatever, last year--he and Stephen were together. That's why it's worse for him."

"Geez."

"J didn't know Ro was dating Stephen. Ronan never told him. Stephen found out and confronted J. After that J broke it off, but Ronan swore that J just beat him to it, and he was going to stop it himself."

"Oh." Darren said, a little overwhelmed.

"You said J kissed him?" Shane asked.

"Yeah."

"Shit." This time he didn't look for the annoyed mothers.

"If it helps, he ran off." Darren said.

"J ran off?"

"No, Ronan did."

Shane gritted his teeth. "He'd better have."

"What's the big deal, if he and J get together?"

Shane raised an eyebrow and glanced at him with his trademark leer. "He's still dating Stephen," he hissed.

"After all that?" Darren asked.

"Stephen is very forgiving." Shane said and Darren detected a hint of reproachment in his voice. "And J knows it, too," he continued.

Darren wanted to ask if J was taking advantage of Stephen's forgiving nature, or if he meant that J knew Ronan and Stephen were still together, but he didn't ask. "I can't believe he'd do this," Shane said in disgust.

"There's something else," Darren said, slowly.

"What?" Shane asked.

"After Ronan left, J looked right at me. He knew I was watching him. And he held his finger up in the number one, then he said I should be quiet."

"He said that?" Shane asked.

"Well, he motioned." Darren said.

Shane laughed.

"What?" Darren asked, confused.

"You don't understand him very well, do you?"

"Oh, you've noticed?" Darren said lightly.

Shane laughed a little. "You should say something to him about it."

"I'm a little embarrassed by it," Darren admitted.

"You're gonna have to do it if you want to know what's going on," Shane said.

"I guess."

Shane nodded curtly and set off down the aisle.

"Here we go!" he said, finding a gorgeous set of sparkly butterfly barrettes.

"Cool," Darren said, surprised at Shane's sudden change in demeanor.

"Let's go," Shane said.

As they left the store, Shane pointed to a Darth Vader figurine. "Robbie would like that. Get it for him."

"Okay," Darren said. He purchased the doll and met Shane outside. Shane was pleased with himself for it.

"Are you going to sleep in his room again?" he asked.

"What?" Darren said.

"I saw you last night," Shane explained.

"Oh."

"And I've seen Robbie go into your room for two nights before that."

"Oh."

"It's hard to keep a secret, isn't it?" Shane said.

Darren blushed. Shane squeezed his shoulder. "Don't worry about it. We all know Robbie can't sleep alone. He's slept in all of our rooms before." He paused. "Well, maybe not Stephen's."

"Do you know why?" Darren asked, seeing an end to the mystery at last.

Shane patted his shoulder. "That's not something I can tell you."

"Oh," Darren said.

"I'm not sure I know the whole story, anyway," Shane offered.

"That's okay," Darren said.

"Sorry," Shane said. "But he'll love that doll."

Darren smiled. "You think so?"

"Oh, yeah. Cab's here."

On the ride back to the hotel, Darren showed Shane how to put the barrettes on the bear's ears. Shane laughed.

"Hey, Shane, can I ask you something?" Darren said suddenly.

"What, again? Sure," Shane said, still laughing.

"What about Eloy?"

"Sorry?"

"Isn't Stephen dating Eloy?"

Shane shook his head. "Eloy's a good friend, but they're not dating. He's a cover."

"What?"

"Stephen couldn't keep his secret forever. Ronan could go his entire life if he had to, and no one else would ever know that he's gay, but Stephen's not like that, you know, so when he couldn't keep it in any longer, Eloy offered to help him. He'd been wanting to come out as well and they figured it would go over better if they did it together. Ronan liked the idea because it moved suspicion off him."

"There were rumors about him and Stephen before," Darren said thoughtfully.

"They stopped after Steve came out." Shane said.

"So it worked," Darren said.

"It certainly did. All in all, a good plan."

"So, Ronan's not married to Yvonne?" Darren asked.

"Oh he is," Shane said. "She knows everything. It's a Tom and Nicole thing, if you get my drift."

Darren nodded thoughtfully. He didn't say much the rest of the way to the hotel. When the cab stopped, he paid.

"Thanks for going," Shane said.

Darren shrugged. "No problem." He checked his watch. "Shoot! I have to get ready."

"You've got like 3 hours," Shane said.

Darren grinned. "I'm not naturally beautiful."

"You could've fooled me," Shane said, and Darren couldn't tell if he was joshing him or not.

"If you're ready before 6, come eat with us," Shane said as he ducked into the gift shop to get a box for the presents.

"Okay," Darren said, remembering that Stephen had invited him to join them earlier. He took the elevator up to his floor. He stopped at Robbie's room first. The maid had been and remade the bed. He turned the blanket down and laid the Darth Vader doll on the pillow. The top of the box stuck out so it looked like he had been put to bed. Darren smiled, satisfied, and left.

to be continued...

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