Affirmation, part 7
Hi everyone, sorry this one took so long, but I warned you, didn't I? It's rather short this time. Thanks to the few who wrote last time. Like another of the writers said, it does encourage us to write more frequently if we know someone is enjoying our piece. That said, if you like this story, please write and tell me. :) Thanks, and happy reading! Amber (silentkid@angelfire.com) Oh yeah, shameless plug for my other one "You Needed Me" which is ridiculously different from this one.
Disclaimer: Don't read if you are a child. Gay content. Does not reflect the lives of the people depicted. Yawn. Fictional story. Don't read if it's illegal for you to do so.
When Darren awoke, he was surprised to find Robbie sitting up, staring down at him. His expression was not affectionate. Rather, darkness lurked in its facade and Darren wasn't certain if Robbie was looking at him or through him.
"Robbie!" he said sharply. Robbie blinked and his gaze softened. "Are you okay?" Darren asked.
"Sorry," he said absently. "I have moments."
"What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking," he stated slowly, "that I should be alone today."
Despite himself, Darren's face fell. He turned away, but Robbie saw anyway. Darren smiled slightly at him. Robbie didn't smile back. His macabre mood was returning.
"I guess I'll go, then," Darren said, getting up. Robbie sat immobile, staring at himself in the wall mirror. As Darren reached the door, Robbie turned and said,
"I'm sorry, Darren. I just can't shake this black mood. It happens. It's not that I don't want you to stay, but it's best if you go. You understand, don't you?"
Darren nodded. "I've decided to stay. In New York, I mean. I'm not going to Australia today."
Robbie cocked an eyebrow at this, but merely nodded at his reflection.
"I'll keep my promise to you, Robert," Darren said suddenly, urgently. "I won't let anything happen to you."
Robbie didn't move for the longest time and Darren doubted that he'd heard him, but finally Robbie turned to him, his face bearing the most sarcastically depressed expression possible and Darren wanted to run to him, but Robbie stopped him with his words.
"It's not up to you, Darren. But thank you."
"If you need me..." he started, but stopped, letting Robbie fill the blank in for himself. He closed the door quietly behind him, taking Robbie's extra key with him, just in case. He waited with his ear pressed to the door for a moment before trudging down the hall. As he passed the stairwell, he doubled over, holding his stomach as an intense pain centered there and overwhelmed him. He knew the symptoms well. They were psychological in essence; a worry turned physical. He stumbled through the door, sat on the first cold step, and hunched over making his belly as small as possible. Darren pressed his head to the wall, feeling its iciness waft through him. He closed his eyes and thought of nothing but relief. He heard a rustling and opened them.
He wasn't alone. One flight below, Ronan sat huddled, just as he was, pressed to the wall. Darren froze, scared that Ronan would see him, though he wasn't sure why since as a whole, he didn't intimidate him. But the idea of Ronan seeing him now, sitting vulnerable in his t-shirt and shorts, was singularly unappealing. Not to mention that Ronan appeared to be in the same situation. He might not take kindly to company and after his earlier outbursts, Darren didn't want to see another, potentially worse one. But Ronan didn't look up. He didn't look anywhere, not even when the door opened on his flight and Stephen sat down next to him.
"You're wrong, you know," Stephen said after a moment of tense silence.
"So you didn't come to apologize," Ronan said ruefully.
"I don't have anything to apologise about."
"Some people might disagree."
"Some people," Stephen mimicked, "might do well to apologise themselves."
"What you did, Stephen, was dangerous, it was inconsiderate," Ronan paused, the pain the words caused creased in his brow, "it was spiteful."
"I was just trying to help," Stephen said quietly.
"I know," Ronan replied, his tone softening, "we all love Robbie, but you have to face limits. You jeopardize things like that."
"I wasn't thinking about that, Ro."
"I know."
"But?"
"But you should have. I would have."
"We all make mistakes," Stephen said, a little too directly. Ronan stared at him coldly.
"That was a year ago."
"It seems like yesterday to me," Stephen said.
"I've said I was sorry. I've told all of you."
"Maybe you haven't said it enough." Now Stephen was the cold one.
"I'm sorry," Ronan said through clenched teeth.
Stephen shook his head. "This isn't going to work, Ronan. I can't handle it anymore."
"You know the pressures of being in a group, Stephen. I shouldn't have to tell you. It's hard on all of us. Suck it up. Be a man."
Stephen pursed his lips. "Once again, you've missed my point entirely. I'm telling you that you're difficult."
"You've known that since the beginning," Ronan snapped.
"Well, maybe it's good that your solo career is taking off. Now you only have to answer to yourself."
"It's all I answer to now."
"No," Stephen said, "it's not."
Ronan looked at Stephen for the first time. His forehead glistened and a strand of blond hair divided his left eye. "We'll all try harder," he said. Then, with sorrowful force, "I'll try harder."
"I wish I believed you," Stephen said. He started for the door, but Ronan whirled around and grabbed his leg. He pointed to his cheek.
"What if I told them you did this?" he demanded.
The usually tactile Stephen shook himself free. It was then that Darren realized Stephen hadn't touched Ronan the entire time he'd been sitting next to him.
"Everyone knows how that happened, Ro," he said grimly. "Besides, who would believe I could do such a thing? I'm not man enough." Behind his coy smile, the tone was ironic and condemning.
Stephen didn't stop the door slamming when he left. He may even have helped it a little. Ronan remained stretched across the steps, his hand reaching for the absent leg. Finally, he dropped it, and laid flat except for his heaving shoulders. If he was crying, he did it without a sound.
The door opened and Ronan inhaled sharply. Darren could just see a hand on the small window of the door, drumming patiently. "I'm so sorry," Ronan gasped pitifully. "I'm sorry for everything."
The hand extended and beckoned him forward. Ronan slid back into a seated position. "I can't," he whispered. The person at the door evidently spoke, but Darren couldn't make any of it out. Ronan's lip quivered. As the door closed, Darren caught a glimpse of brown hair. He instantly thought of Robbie and gasped. Ronan stood up with a bolt. Darren's body turned to stone as Ronan looked straight at him. He couldn't help but look back at him. Tears rolled down Ronan's cheeks even though he stopped crying a minute ago. Now that he was standing full on, Darren could see what he'd meant earlier. A line of blood, made darker by Ronan's pale skin, ran from his temple, down his ear, stopping at his jawline. A strand of his hair was matted by it. Ronan didn't move while Darren examined him from above. He didn't speak. He didn't have to. Darren shuddered in spite of himself, absorbing the hatred in Ronan's gaze. Here was a man who didn't give up secrets and resented when they were taken from him. Neither man uttered a sound. Darren tried to move, but found he couldn't. Ultimately, he moved the only thing he could. He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Ronan was gone. Darren fell against the wall as his heart beat double time to make up for the minute it had lost.
tbc
silentkid@angelfire.com