Affirmation

Hi everyone,

Here's the new chapter. Sorry it's so long in coming, but I'm sure you're used to that by now. Please let me know what you think. I love feedback. :)

Amber

Disclaimer: Never happened, work of fiction, mature themes, not real. Not meant to reflect the lives of the people involved, specifically Darren Hayes, Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating, Shane Lynch, Stephen Gately, Jason Brown, or Daniel Jones or anyone peripherally mentioned.

Chapter 17 of Affirmation

As the plane rose into the clouds and the city below shrank until it was barely a speck of imagination, Darren's stomach and anxiety loosened and he could breathe again. He plastered his forehead to the window, feeling only slightly guilty about his unabashed glee. The feeling was the polar opposite to the one he'd experienced flying in to JFK a week ago.

"You too, huh?" Stephen commented, making him jump slightly.

Darren nodded and smiled, almost shyly, but more to keep his giddiness in check.

Stephen lazily traced an 8 on his knee. Darren watched, mesmerized by the methodic movement.

"I've never been much for travel," Stephen said, breaking the silence.

Darren thought about it. "I guess it depends on what you're leaving behind."

A darkness passed over Stephen's face, briefly, then faded as his hand maintained a casual pace.

"I'm sorry, Steo," Darren started, but Stephen stopped him with a shake of his head, a small smile on his lips.

"It's my doing, Darren. There's no reason for you to apologize."

When Darren didn't say anything he added, "You've never called me Steo before."

Darren smiled. "It just slipped out."

"Hmmm."

Before Darren could decide if that was a good `hmmm' or a bad one, Stephen asked, "Do you think we could do something about your saviour here? My arm's falling asleep."

Daniel, in the aisle seat, had fallen asleep, slumped forward, head to his knees but now had somehow rolled himself over so his head rested on Stephen's thigh and his body squashed against Stephen's arm. Darren reached over and shook him gently.

"Dan, c'mon, you have to wake up."

If anything, he fell into a deeper sleep.

"We could move him, I guess," Darren suggested, looking across the aisle at Shane and the empty seat next to him. Stephen nodded.

"Shane! Hey, Shane!" he hissed.

"What?" Shane asked, lazily turning from the window.

"Help us move Daniel over there."

"Why?"

"He's on my arm."

Shane rolled his eyes. "So move it."

"Shane!" Stephen whined. "You've got two whole seats to yourself! Just lean him against the wall or something!"

"Fine." Shane stood, muttering, marched over to Daniel, unbuckled his safety belt, scooped him up, and set him down, carefully placing his head against the wall. He sat down again, miffed at having lost both his space and his window seat.

"Thank you, Shane," Stephen said.

"Humph."

Darren smiled lightly, watching them. He thought about what Stephen had called Daniel, `your saviour', and found himself nodding unconsciously. It was true. If Daniel hadn't come, he'd probably still be yelling at the ticket agent. Or being driven off in a padded wagon. Good ol' reliable Daniel, there even when you least expected him. Lost in his reverie, he scarcely noticed when the plane hit some turbulence until Shane cried out,

"Oh, great. This is just great!"

Startled, Darren leaned past Stephen to see the problem. Daniel had turned around so his head was rather awkwardly slanted against Shane's shoulder and he was exhaling into Shane's ear.

"Just push him off," Darren said, trying not to giggle.

Shane tapped him and Daniel promptly slid down his side and onto Shane's lap.

"Oh, that's much better," Shane joked. "Sweet feck," he muttered.

"You could sit with us?" Darren offered.

Shane shrugged. "It's all right. I'll deal with it." He shifted slightly so Daniel bore more of his own weight and his head rested above Shane's knee, his back pressed into the seat. Shane put an elbow on his shoulder and used him for an armrest as he opened a magazine.

"You're sure you're okay?" Darren asked.

"22 hours, eh?"

"Yep."

"I'm fine," Shane said, begrudgingly.

Darren put his complimentary headphones on and began flipping through the offered channels. Stephen tapped him on the knee, and he looked up to find the little one's mouth was already moving, an urgent expression on his face. Somewhat startled, Darren slid the headphones off.

"What?" he asked.

"Do you think Alfred and Rachel are going to be happy together?"

Darren furrowed his brow in confusion. Alfred and... Oh, yes! He nearly hit himself. He'd almost forgotten the wedding, the reason for going to NYC in the first place. Was that just five days ago? It seemed like a year.

"Darren?" Stephen prompted. "Do you think it'll last?'

"Yes, I think they'll be very happy together," he said solemnly, partly because he believed it, and partly because he knew Stephen wanted to hear it.

"I believe that some people are meant to be together and you can go your whole life without ever meeting your other half and you just settle and you wonder why you're miserable, but you don't know. Either that or the one you should be with is with you all along, but you're so busy looking past him that you miss him altogether."

Stephen stopped abruptly. His hand started tracing the familiar pattern again, embarrassed at his uncharacteristic earnest loquaciousness.

"Do you," the hand hesitated, "believe that?"

He turned to glance sideways at Darren. Darren shivered as the crystal blue eyes bore into him.

"I wonder," Darren began, "what happens if you send your other half packing?"

Stephen sat up. "I've wondered that myself," he said, sadly.

"Do you think Ronan is...?"

"I don't want to talk about him now," Stephen interrupted. "He is what he is."

Darren nodded.

"And Robbie?"

Darren stopped him saying more with a single, sad shake of his head. They both fell into a silence, thinking of what they could not say.

"I didn't even know if I was gay," Darren said, softly. "Still don't, really."

Stephen nodded. "That's hard."

"Yeah."

"Shanno and Daniel look cozy," Stephen said.

"What?"

Stephen pointed. Shane had given up on reading and was now using Dan's hip as a pillow. The two men were fast asleep on each other.

"Hmm," Stephen said.

"What?"

Shane doesn't usually do that kind of thing with guys."

"Neither does Dan."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," Stephen said.

"Why?"

"I just don't get the impression from him."

"He's not very cuddly," Darren admitted.

Stephen raised an eyebrow. "Not even with you?"

Darren shrugged. "Not really."

Stephen nodded. "Shane's not exactly Mr. Hug-A-Lot either."

"You guys are very affectionate."

"I lay on him. I think he just puts up with me. I can be very insistent, you know." He eyed Darren directly, then half smiled, and turned back to the dreamers across the aisle.

"Do you wish Shane was more, ah, touchy with you?" Darren asked.

"Do you wish Daniel was with you?" Stephen threw the question back.

Darren shrugged. "Sometimes," he said.

"Yeah," Stephen replied, "sometimes."

"But most of the time, he's just perfect."

"Yeah."

"Why is that, I wonder?"

"Confidence," Stephen offered.

Darren glanced across the aisle again where Shane had wrapped an arm around Daniel to keep him from slipping out of his pillowy position.

"I think it's just weariness," Darren suggested.

Now Stephen smiled a little. "Maybe," he acquiesced.

Then, sliding further down in his seat, he shut his eyes, opened them, and muttered,

"22 hours?"

"18 now," Darren said.

"Hmm." Stephen groaned, displeased.

"You can lay on me if you want," Darren said, as though he were some sort of consolation prize for the long flight.

"Thanks," Stephen yawned, but didn't move to accept the offer. He hunched over and wrapped his arms around his legs and laid his head on his knees. Darren's stomach cramped up just from looking at him. He put his headphones back on and stared at the clouds until the vibration from the window gave him a headache. He squirmed in his seat, and suppressed a groan as he belatedly discovered he was still a bit tender from J's assault. Eventually, he kicked off his shoes and sat up on his knees. Half the passengers were asleep. Damn nighttime flights.

He huffed discontentedly. Stephen had somehow managed to nod off in his `emergency procedure' position, despite the danger of blood rushing to his brain. Dan and Shane, of course, still as cozy as ever. Darren checked his watch. They'd be out for at least four more hours. He fidgeted again, adjusting his feet beneath him. He felt cold, not from the temperature, but because the hair on his arms was standing up and his heart was twisted.

"Stephen," he said to the unconscious bent form, "you're in a boyband. You know all about losing the love of your life and then realizing you were an idiot for not telling her how you feel and know she's gone forever. So tell me something, Stephen," he whispered, the words lost unheard, carried away in the engine's drone, "tell me what happens if you tell her you love her and then she leaves? Tell me what to do, Stephen. I really need to be told what to do now. I'm empty, Stephen. And I'm cold. So very cold." He rubbed his arms rapidly, but the chill came from within and he couldn't be warmed. He rocked forward on his knees, trying to make himself small.

"I need a hug," he mumbled, glancing around for volunteers. Repressing the urge to stand up and yell, "Alright. Who wants to hug a pop star?" he bounced a bit more, unhappily, and accidentally squashing against Stephen, trying to nudge him awake but succeeding only in eliciting a swat on the arm and a muttered, "leave off" from the drowsy boy.

Sighing, he climbed over him and landed shortly in the aisle. Stealthily, he crouched at Shane's knee, with Daniel's head on it. He glanced at the stewardess' stations and saw no one coming to send him back to his seat.

"Daniel?" He whispered into his ear, careful not to breathe on Shane and risk waking him.

"Daniel?" He asked again, cautiously, the tone of one expecting a reprimand.

He blew softly into his ear until Daniel started, and woke. He looked first at Darren, kneeling there with a half apologetic, half goofy grin, then at the leg he rested on, and finally down his own body to find Shane stretched there on him. He blinked, trying to make some sense of it, but his mind was too hazy for it, so he gave up, and waited silently for Darren to speak.

"I need a hug," Darren said, or rather, chirped, knowing the absurdity of having woken Daniel from a deep sleep just for this. Daniel nodded slowly, and turned his head so Darren wouldn't see him roll his eyes.

"C'mon, Dan," Darren pleaded, shaking him.

"Alright, alright," Daniel moaned. He disentangled himself from Shane and perched on the front of the seat with Shane behind him.

"Do you want me to come down there?"

Darren nodded anxiously. Daniel rolled his eyes again as he clambered down. He knelt before Darren, waiting. Darren stared down at his knees, potently aware of how babyish he was acting just because he needed a stupid hug. Like that couldn't wait. Oh, no, he needed it now, didn't he? Like he needed everything now and not later and that's what drove people out of his life, this constant `Me first!' of it all. His face burned in embarrassment and shame.

He should just apologize to Daniel for waking him for something so pitiful after he'd flown all the way from Brisbane to rescue him without even being asked, gone two days without sleep, worried about him, and now here he was, not satisfied, oh, no, not him, just had to have a fucking hug, didn't he, big baby, should just tell Daniel to crawl back up there and go back to sleep. He lifted his head, partially, to say just that, but was silenced as Daniel moved.

"Oh, for God's sake," Daniel growled. He grabbed Darren and held him close as Darren tried, but failed, to stop from shaking in his arms. He rested his head on Daniel's shoulder as Daniel rubbed his back and breathed softly in his ear. Darren thought Daniel might have fallen asleep on him, but the firmness of Daniel's hand moving over his back reassured him. Darren tried to block everything out but this perfect hug. He shut his eyes to anyone who might walk down the aisle and break it as he leaned further into Daniel, releasing his tension into his embrace.

Write me at silentkid@angelfire.com :)