Affirmation

Well, here we are with another chapter. Thanks to the mighty few who wrote me and encouraged me to continue. Your letters are much appreciated. I love your feedback. A little bird told me that this story was the subject on a Savage Garden mailing list. Thanks for that. And write me as well! Don't hide! Thanks, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It bears no resemblance to the actual lives of Savage Garden, Robbie Williams, Boyzone, or Five. It contains homosexual themes. Do not read if you are underage or if it is illegal.

Darren awoke in the middle of the afternoon, still laying on Robbie's chest. He didn't move, just laid there, floating with his breath. Robbie had thrown his arms out perpendicular so he wasn't holding him anymore. Darren thought about pulling them back to him, but didn't want to disturb him. As he turned his head, a line of drool dropped from his lips. It rested on another bit that had already dried. Darren blushed. Whoops. He stuck a bit of the sheet in his mouth to wet it and scrubbed off Robbie's chest.

"What are you doing there, Daz?" Robbie asked groggily.

"Uh," Darren said, sitting up. "Hiya," he said.

Robbie smiled. He reached for Darren's face, put his fingers into his mouth. Before Darren could react, he pulled a hair from between his teeth.

"I think this is mine," he said. He placed it on his chest. "It went right there, I think."

Darren sat up against the headboard as the redness swept over him. "Hehehe" he said, forcing himself to laugh.

Robbie smiled. "Don't worry, I've lost them before."

That made Darren think. He was silent for a moment before saying, "Did you do anything with J?"

"Why would you ask that?" Robbie said.

"Because I just wondered."

"I could ask you the same thing," Robbie challenged.

Darren shook a little. "Yes, you could," he managed. Robbie noticed the change in his demeanor. He sat up next to him, and waited. Darren didn't say anything. He ran over it in his mind and his fear came flooding back. He waited, wanting Robbie to drop it, but hoping that he wouldn't. Finally, Robbie asked,

"What did he do?"

Darren hunched over his feet. "He scared me."

"How?"

"He held me down."

"Show me."

"He held my hands down," Darren whispered.

Robbie laid down and put his hands over his head. "Like this?"

Darren nodded. "Show me," Robbie said.

Darren hesitantly crawled over him. He placed his hands over Robbie's, as J had done, then held himself up over him.

"Then what?" asked Robbie.

"He...he said, do you think I could do this to Robbie?" Darren stared, wide eyed, down at his victim. Robbie shook his head slowly in response. But while Darren's response to the question had been quick and frightened, Robbie's exhuded confidence. Damn right you can't hold me down. You're only doing it because I'm letting you.

"Why not?" Darren pressed on, forcing himself to relive it.

"Because Robbie's bigger," Robbie said, knowing the answer.

"Robbie didn't do anything he didn't want to," Darren said, searching for some sign in Robbie's face that would tell him if that was so. Although he played J's part, he didn't feel like him at all. He just felt scared. And lonely.

"Then what?" Robbie said, breaking the trance.

"He...he..he..."

"Show me," Robbie whispered.

Darren lowered himself onto him just as his arms gave out. He closed his eyes and kissed him. Robbie gasped as Darren sucked in his lower lip. He relaxed his mouth to allow Darren easier access. Darren hesitated a fraction of a second before lightly running his tongue over Robbie's teeth. Robbie's tongue jumped forward and he was soon sucked into his mouth. Robbie's soft lips took over. Darren's head spun. He'd been kissed by some good people before, but damn! Robbie gently slid a hand from beneath Darren's. He buried his fingers in Darren's hair and gently traced the divot behind his ear. Darren moaned into Robbie's mouth. His whole body was on fire. His other hand still laid on top of Robbie's. He shifted so his fingers slipped through Robbie's and their hands entwined. Robbie pressed on his knuckles as Darren discovered the rough spot on his inner cheek with his tongue. Darren frantically ran his hand over Robbie's hair and softly across his forehead and down his cheeks, so absorbed in tasting his friend's mouth that he scarcely noticed what he was doing. He hoped briefly that he was doing it right. Then Robbie swirled his tongue over his and he forgot about everything else. Robbie traced the crevice of his back through the fabric of his shirt from the nape of his neck all the way down. He shuddered as the hand came back to rest on his neck. He slid his hand beneath Robbie's head and pulled him 3 inches off the mattress. Robbie's impossibly kissable lips traveled to his ear. He breathed lightly, hotly, against it as he kissed Darren's lobe before gently running his tongue over it. Darren giggled. Then he shuddered. He buried his face as Robbie did it again. A bolt shot through his body as he sucked on Robbie's neck. Breathless, he lifted himself up. He sat, almost hyperventilating, on Robbie's stomach.

"Wow!" Darren gasped.

"Ah," Robbie agreed. Then, propping himself up on his elbows, he locked his eyes onto Darren's. "Looks like you enjoyed it." Darren followed his gaze down to where he sat his stomach.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" Darren leapt off him and ran to the bathroom.

"It's okay, it's not the first time!" Robbie yelled after him.

Darren closed the door and tore off his boxers. He sat heavily on the tub's edge, a wash cloth in one hand, and his head in the other. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, caught between crying and laughing.

"Hey, Darren, could you bring me a kleenex? You got some on me!" Robbie yelled.

Darren didn't answer him. He just groaned again. Of all the times for this to happen...As a rule, he wasn't the sort of guy to go prematurely. Prematurely? What the hell was he thinking? Prematurely implied that the situation would have, could have, progressed to a point more appropriate for what had happened. He was just showing him what J had done to him. It wasn't meant to be anything more. Sure, his heart was beating out of his chest, but that was because the role play had gotten too serious and reliving the moment, even as someone else, was still frightening. He'd almost stopped it. But with Robbie's voice "show me, show me" echoing in his brain and his eyes focused on the lips that, let's face it, he'd wanted to kiss since he'd kicked him out of his room after Alfred's wedding, he had to keep going. He could still hear the bitterness in Robbie's voice--Do you want me to kiss you?--as he walked off. But he still couldn't believe what he'd done. He'd never expected that. And, more embarrassingly, he'd been so entranced by the kiss that he'd scarcely noticed when it happened.

He tossed the washcloth in the tub. He stood and the man staring back from the mirror forced a gasp from his lips. His hair was disheveled, his shirt was wrinkled and barely covered what it needed to, and his pale pale face set off his red eyes. He stared at himself until he disappeared and another face of despair materialised. True, it was still his, but in this face he saw reflected all his thoughts from last night as Robbie had finally confessed his secret nightmare. He'd felt his pain, soaked in his sorrow, and collapsed under his despair. Darren's face crumpled. He quickly turned the shower on so Robbie wouldn't hear him cry. He climbed in and pulled the curtain closed. He stood in the flow, and the water soaked him, shirt and all. He just put his head down and watched it run off his hair, face, and neck along with his tears that fell just as steadily. He'd sworn to help Robbie, to take care of him, but now he was the one who needed help. And he didn't know how to ask for it. And once he figured that out, he didn't know if he deserved it.

Robbie knocked lightly. Darren said, "yeah," stifling a sob in his throat.

"Can I come in a sec?" Robbie asked.

"Yeah." Even though the curtain was opaque, Darren turned to the wall. Robbie slipped in. He didn't say anything as he wetted the corner of a hand towel and dabbed at his stomach. He used the toilet and started out.

"I'm sorry," Darren said quickly, still trying to hide his outburst.

"Cute butt," Robbie said, as he left the door standing wide open behind him.

Darren put his arms up against the tiled wall. He pressed his lips, then his forehead to it and he whispered, "I love you." The words came easily, as easily as his breath, which surprised him since they'd been pushed down within him, ignored and reproached for so long. They hung in the air. He could almost see them in the shower's steam, daring him to suck them back in. But the private confession had already calmed him and even lifted his spirits a little. He wasn't about to take it back, not after he'd struggled for so long.

After turning the water off, Darren peeled off his shirt and dropped it in the tub. He wrapped a towel around himself.

"Don't look," he said to Robbie.

"I'm not," Robbie said, rolling over. "See?" He put a pillow over his head.

"Thanks," Darren said, feeling very shy. He quickly pulled fresh clothes on, dried his hair roughly, and tossed the towel. "Okay."

Robbie sat up. "C'mere," he said, patting the bed next to him. Darren sat down, waiting. Robbie put his arm around him. Darren laid his head on his shoulder.

"Thank you," Robbie said.

"For what?"

"For not hating me."

"I could never hate you," Darren whispered.

Robbie didn't say anything to that, just squeezed his shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he said, finally.

Darren took a deep breath. "Maybe you won't have to find out," he said.

"What are you saying?"

"I love you," Darren blurted.

Robbie's arm slipped from his shoulders. A chill settled there, but rather than fall completely, his hand stopped in the middle of Darren's back. "Oh, Daz," Robbie sighed. "I wish you wouldn't."

"Why?"

Robbie stared at his knees. "I'm not worth it, believe me."

"You are, believe me," Darren said. "Please, Robbie, just give me a chance."

Robbie glanced at the clock. "You've got thirty minutes."

"What? Why?"

"That's when I'm leaving for the airport. I'm going back to London today. You knew that."

Darren nodded. Yes, he knew.

"So that's it?" Darren asked. "You're just going to leave?"

Robbie rolled his eyes. "It's not like I just decided to go. This is how it's always been. It's got nothing to do with you."

"Well, what if I want it to?" Darren pouted.

Robbie stood in front of him. He took his face in his hands and kissed his forehead. "Darren, even if I wasn't going anywhere, I still wouldn't let anything happen between us. You don't know what you're getting into with me. Besides, you already came on me. It's all downhill from there, anyway."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Darren said. Robbie dropped his hands in shock. Darren immediately replaced them with his own. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he asked. "My marriage is ruined, this, affair I had for over a year," he waved his arm at the window, gesturing to the city in general, "is in the dust, and now, I think I'm onto something, when I'm not even looking, and it's over before it starts. So tell me, what the fuck is wrong with me?" Darren stared at him, not even caring anymore that he was near tears and short of breath.

Robbie dropped to his knees. He took Darren's hands in his. "I don't deserve you," he said.

"So you're just going to leave?"

"No, I'm going to do something first," Robbie said.

"What?" Darren asked.

Robbie just smiled softly at him. Then he walked out.

"Robbie?" Darren shouted.

"Yeah?"

"Why can't you see what kind of person you really are?"

Robbie sighed, half despairingly, and replied, "why can't you see what kind of person I really am?"

"But I can," Darren said to the closed door.

He ran after him, but stopped when he saw that Robbie had gone directly to J's room. Darren's heart sank. He felt so stupid. Robbie knocked, and J opened the door. Rather than enter, he beckoned J out into the hall. Darren hid behind the wall as he watched. Sure enough, J grabbed Robbie and kissed him, roughly. Robbie returned the kiss with just as much violent power. He pulled his arm back, and his fingers curled into a ball. Was it that phenomenal? Darren imagined that the combined powers of their kissing prowess could topple kingdoms. His heart sank lower as his happiness disappeared before him. Robbie finally broke the kiss. J smiled at him, like the cat that ate the canary. Robbie smiled back, then his fist barreled into J's stomach. He fell over, and Robbie slammed his head against his knee. J dropped, gasping for breath. Robbie grabbed him, forced him up. He punched him once more.

"Don't you fucking touch Darren again!" Robbie shouted in his ear.

He dropped him on the floor and stormed off to his room. Darren fell against the wall, smiling like an idiot. He slowly turned to look at J again, and immediately the smile dropped. J was sitting up, staring at him, and, more than that, he was smiling. A lot. And Darren knew what he was saying. "You're mine," echoed silently in the air between them.

-----There you go kids! I'm slowing down a bit on this one, though it may not seem that way, because I haven't gotten much feedback lately. I know that's very whiny of me, but as all the authors will tell you, your letters mean more than we can say. It's nice to know that people are enjoying the story and looking forward to the next one. It's very encouraging to get people's impressions from both new readers and those who've written before. I like to know how you feel. In any case, please write to me so I know if I should keep going with Affirmation. Love, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com