Affirmation

Affirmation part 12.

Hope you enjoy reading, kiddos. Feedback is always wanted, needed, and loved. Just like Darren. Amber--silentkid@angelfire.com

Note to New Readers: This chapter is not the best to start with if you are just coming to this story. I seriously recommend you start at chapter one with this story.

Disclaimer: This chapter contains homosexual themes as well as references to drug use. Do not read if you are under age. Don't use drugs. It is a work of fiction. Author's license has been exercised regarding the drugs.

"Darren!" Robbie called sharply as Darren entered the hall. He stood in Darren's doorway, having apparently just exited himself. "Why were you in J's room?"

"Come back inside, Robbie," Darren said.

Once they were in Darren's room Robbie asked, "Is that why you didn't want me to go in there last night?"

"No! Look, I didn't have a choice, Rob."

"Right," Robbie sniffed.

"Ronan put me there. There wasn't anything I could do." Even Darren knew how lame he sounded.

"Why didn't you sleep here?" Robbie demanded.

"Because you tried to kill me!"

"What?"

"You nearly dropped me down the stairwell. You would have, too, if Ronan hadn't stopped you in time!"

"What?" Robbie stared at him as if he'd sprouted another head.

"So you'll excuse me if I didn't want to be accessible to you last night," Darren said hotly.

He immediately regretted his tone as Robbie paled worriedly.

"I'm sorry, Darren, I don't remember."

"I didn't think you would."

"You know I'd never hurt you," he said desperately.

"I know you wouldn't, Rob. It's your subconscious I'm worried about."

"Darren, I wouldn't!"

Darren inhaled deeply. Exhaling, he said, "Robbie, until you tell me exactly what is causing your troubles, I can't have you sleeping with me or coming in here at night. I want my key back."

Robbie paused. Then he dug into his jeans and placed the key on the dresser. "I'm sorry you would ask me that, Darren."

Darren shrugged. "The truth is, Robbie, I'm a little scared of you right now."

Robbie ground his foot into the carpet. "Well, then I'm sorry for that, too," he said.

"So am I," said Darren.

"I think I should go."

"You don't have to," said Darren.

"No, I have to think about this." Robbie trudged out before Darren could object. He didn't want him to go, but what could he do?

He went to the bathroom and spent far too long in the shower just letting the water wash over him. He willed it to take away all of his thoughts, but of course it didn't. Wrapping himself in a towel, he plopped on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Sally Jesse was on, topic: I Married The Cannibal Who Ate My Dad, but Darren didn't care. Even when an outraged mother started her rant, Darren's only thought concerned how long he could count the bumps on the ceiling. He made it to 180 before giving up because his eyes were sinking into themselves. He rubbed them harshly. Then he rose, dressed, messed his hair and sprayed it and marched himself downstairs.

Shane and Robbie were already sprawled on the couches. Shane waved lazily. Darren nodded and smiled. He approached Robbie cautiously, uncertain how he should behave. Robbie grinned at him, though, and moved his leg so he could sit down. Darren jumped into the empty place and began nibbling at his deli sandwich. J joined them, hopping over Shane. He gestured at Robbie to move over so he could sit in the middle, but Robbie slid towards Darren, giving J his seat. J plunked down and mumbled something at Robbie. Robbie laughed.

"What are you lads up to today?" Shane asked.

They all shrugged.

"Anyone up for a trip to the Cloisters?" asked Darren.

"What's that?" said Shane.

"Art museum set up like a monastery with gardens and that."

J and Shane readily agreed.

"You want me to go to an art museum?" Robbie gasped. "But I'm a big popstar, me!"

"Shut up, popstar. You could stand a little culture, I bet!" Darren joked.

Robbie grinned mischeviously. "I wonder if Stephen and Ro want to come. I'll just go ask, shall I?"

He leapt up and raced to the stairs as the others collapsed in hysterics. He returned a few moments later with a look of mock horror on his face.

"They told me to feck off," he said innocently. "Now why would they do that?"

Shane slapped him on the back. "I'll tell you when you're older, Rob!"

Everyone laughed again. "So how do we get to this place, Darren?"

"Subway!" Darren said brightly.

"But I'm a pop star!" Robbie protested.

"Oh do shut up. I've got more money than the lot of yas combined!" Shane said. "You'll take the public transport and you'll like it!"

"Yes, sir!" Robbie saluted smartly. In response, Shane clocked him in the back of the head.

"Let's go, then!" Darren said. They herded out into the sunfilled day.

When the sun had long fallen and the moon had secured its nighttime reign, they returned, moving slowly, but still talking just as rapidly. The experience had even proved energizing for Robbie who had become fascinated by the statues of the saints. He'd forced Shane to explain every single one of them. Shane did this with great patience even though he thought it ludicrous that Robbie didn't know even the most basic details of the saints' lives. Darren pointed out that Robbie was in fact not a Catholic, and Shane just shook his head as though this was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.

Darren yawned. "Well, time for me to turn in." He still wasn't comfortable with kissing the others. It was just too English for him. He waved, and Shane and J waved back, echoing that they had the same inclination. Robbie hugged him, and he was glad for it.

"I'm going to try it on my own tonight," he whispered.

"I'll pray for you," Darren said, and he meant it.

"If I come to you, will you let me in?" Robbie asked.

Darren paused. "I'll only let you in if you're going to tell me what's wrong."

"I'll only come to you if I'm going to tell you."

"Then I'll let you in," Darren said. Robbie hugged him tighter. Then he let go and left without another word.

"Darren?" Shane said.

"Yeah?"

"About Robbie--you can tell he's sleepwalking if his eyes don't move."

"Thanks."

"I thought that would help you."

"Yeah. Thanks," said Darren. "Good night."

"Goodnight" said Shane and J.

In his room, Darren couldn't sleep. The temperature was on 68 degrees, slightly chilly, just as he liked, and the blankets were tucked firmly under his chin. The bathroom light gave a reassuring buzz that should have lulled him off, but it didn't. He was waiting and he knew it. He turned CNN on, hoping the news would distract him. He snuggled down and listened to the anchor's drone. Sportscenter ended. World News Round Up began. Sleep was as far off as a dream. Infinitely unreachable.

A knock snapped him from his self pity. He bounded to the door, nearly flung it open, but stopped. He looked through the peep hole.

"Robbie?"

"Darren...can I come in?"

Darren studied him. He was undoubtedly awake. He opened the door. Robbie stood shivering in his underwear. He had wrapped a bedspread around his shoulders but it wasn't covering much. Darren reached out to pull it around him more, but Robbie brushed him away.

"You shouldn't touch me, Darren. You won't want to ever touch me again in a minute."

Darren shuddered as he gripped Robbie's ice cold hand. "Yes, I will," he said firmly.

Robbie's belly shook as he laughed without opening his mouth or making a sound.

Darren turned the television off. "Do you want to sit on the bed?"

"No," said Robbie. He sat on the dresser instead. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," said Darren, as a confusing mix of excitement, hesitation, and uncertainty coursed through him.

"You're sure you want this," Robbie said.

"That was the deal. You have to tell me or you have to go."

Robbie gazed at the door wistfully.

"Do you want me to turn the light on? I know you prefer it," Darren said.

"No," said Robbie. "I'm glad it's dark tonight. It's harder if I have to see you looking at me."

Darren crouched at the top of his bed, waiting.

"I was nineteen," Robbie said after an eternity. "Take That was big, but not that big yet. We were just getting started. Gary was doing everything--writing, singing, producing. The rest of us were just puppets for his solo launch. I'd make suggestions, write a little, and he'd always send it back and say, 'shut up, son. We're not paying for that crap.' And I listened. I did whatever he said because he was Gary Barlow and even though he was nobody, he was still more of a somebody than me.

"We used to go out clubbing, the five of us. Mark and I were really close, you know. People didn't put much to him because he was just little, but he always watched my back. One time he was sick and he couldn't come along. It was just Howard and Jason and me who went out that night. Gary had told me off earlier about not being so open about drinking and all that. So naturally I wanted to get back at him by getting absolutely pissed in a very public place. So I was at the club. Howard and Jason were off dancing, and I was sat with a tequila in one hand and a vodka in the other when this bird came up to me."

He closed his eyes, reliving the moment. "Oh, she was beautiful, like a sunset. And she said, 'Come with me. It's time to grow up.' And I went. I figured she wanted a shag and hey, I'd have been mad to say no to her. She said she wanted to go back to my hotel. She had something in her purse for me. So I dumped my bandmates and took her back to my room. I don't know why, but I asked if she should call her mum. She said her mum didn't care.

"We went up to my room and I said, 'all right, what is it, love?' and she opened up her purse and dumped out bags of acid and coke. It wasn't anything new to me and I was too drunk to really care, but I wanted to make her happy, so I did it with her. She was really good, knew exactly how to inhale and just when to pop the pills. I told her I wanted to shag her and she said 'I wondered when you would,' then she just took control. It was amazing. Right before I..you know...she slipped a tab of acid into my mouth. Combined with the other shite it pushed me over. I have never felt anything like that in my life. I was singing God Save the Queen at the top of my lungs.

"I usually made girls leave right after, or else I would go bunk with Mark, but I wanted to do it again. So I let her stay. I put my arm around her and pulled her up to me because I know that's what girls like. She didn't say anything. She was really limp so I figured she'd gone to sleep. I just held her, managed to be gentlemanly and not cop a feel or anything. I remember I fell asleep with her hair in my mouth. It tasted like strawberries.

"In the morning, Gary woke me up. It was about 5am. He came in for my tea kettle or something. That's what he said, but I reckon it was to see if I was hungover. He was standing over me and he said, 'what the fook did you do, son?' and I didn't know what the hell he was on about. Then I remembered I was still holding this girl. And I thought, well, she's quite cold, isn't she? And I just stared at Gary because he should recognize a one night stand, shouldn't he? He wasn't a stranger to it. But he just pointed at her and he said, 'what the fook did you do, son?'. And I was going to yell at him, but I looked at her. There was dried blood in her nose and her eyes were staring at me. I shook her and she didn't do anything. So I shook her harder. It just made her eyes roll back in her head. I sat and held her. I didn't know what else to do. I'd been doing that all night anyway. I just hugged her.

"That got Gary mad. He grabbed her away and wrapped her up in a sheet. It was covered with blood. He took her. I said, 'what are you doing?' He said 'I'm getting rid of her.' He told me to clean up and he left. I don't know what he did with her. I'm scared to know. I couldn't move. I just cried and cried. When Gary came back, I hadn't done a thing. He picked me up and slapped me. He kept hitting me until I was begging him to stop. He said the girl was gone and I should quit being a baby. He said if anyone ever found out, then Take That would be over and I didn't want that, did I? At that point I didn't care. I would have sold him out right there, but the others didn't deserve that. So he hit me some more, then he just dropped me on the floor and I kept right on crying while he cleaned the room up himself.

"Gary's the only one who's ever known. I watched the papers for awhile to see if anything was said about her, but nothing ever was. After that I couldn't ever sleep alone. I see her every night. She's the one night stand that lasted a lifetime. And I don't even know her name." He finished bitterly. He'd made it through his narrative without shedding a tear, mechanically recounting the details as the traumatized often do.

Darren didn't say anything. Tears coursed down his face. He did nothing to stop them. In the darkness Robbie took his silence for contempt.

"I told you you'd hate me," he said. "I'll go now. I'm sorry, Darren." His voice cracked. He slid off the dresser.

"Robbie," Darren said, stopping him.

"What?"

"Turn the light on."

"I don't want to," said Robbie.

"Please," said Darren. He wanted, needed Robbie to see him before he left.

Reluctantly, Robbie flipped the switch. He faced the wall, waiting.

"Look at me, Robbie."

He turned slowly. Darren smiled softly through his tears which still flowed freely. Robbie stood uncertainly. Darren's heart sank as he looked at him.

"Robbie, I was thinking," Darren started...

"Yeah?" Robbie said, not daring to hope.

"I was thinking...maybe you could hold me tonight," Darren said simply.

Robbie nodded gratefully. His lower lip trembled but still he didn't cry. He climbed into bed with Darren and pulled him close. Darren clung to him tightly, weeping on his chest as they drifted off together.

tbc...

feedback to silentkid@angelfire.com