Affirmation

Affirmation, Part 10

Hi everyone, thanks to all who wrote me on the last chapter. I really appreciate all your comments and encouragement. It certainly inspired me to write more. This chapter focuses more on the Boyzone storyline, so hopefully some questions will be cleared up. Please do write me as I love to know what you are thinking and also who's reading. And, a quick plug for my other stories You Needed Me and This Boyz Life which I am co-writing with Scott. Thanks, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction depicting homosexual relationships. It should not be read by anyone under 18. The sexuality of the people portrayed such as Darren Hayes, Robbie Williams, members of Boyzone, and J from Five does not necessarily reflect their actual lives.

Note: Bent is by Matchbox 20, or Twenty as they now prefer to be called.

When Darren awoke, he was floating. He closed his eyes to try this wake up thing again. Sure enough, he was moving but his legs weren't touching the floor. His head hung back and the carpet dizzily whirled by. A door opened and closed. He tried to flail out, but found he was wrapped up in a thick quilt and couldn't move his arms. He kicked weakly. Just as he was going to speak, he was dumped on the floor. Another door closed as he rolled over. He stood, tripping on the blanket, and fell, rapping his head on the door as he went down. He shook it off, feeling blindly for a knob. He grew worried when one didn't come within reach. He lifted his hand to pound the wall and stumbled in surprise when it moved. The sleepy haze enveloping his mind lifted and he realized he was in Robbie's closet. He slid the door over cautiously, just enough to let a beam of yellow light through. He saw Robbie, sleeping on the bed. If Robbie was asleep, then who put him in the closet? He couldn't make out any other figures in the room. He stuck his fingers out when someone pounded at the door.

From without Stephen shouted, first for Robbie, then for Ronan. Darren withdrew and paused. Robbie opened the door.

"Hiya, Rob. Alright, mate?" said Shane cheerfully.

"Is Ronan in here?" asked Stephen, peering worriedly over Shane's shoulder.

"No," said Robbie.

"Where is he?" yelled Stephen exasperatedly.

"It's alright, Steo," said Shane. "We've been looking all night," he explained to Robbie.

"Oh," Robbie said.

"Are you alright, Rob? You look a little pekid."

"Did you eat today, Robbie?" Stephen asked, picking up on his lacrymose response.

"Yeah, I had a..." Robbie faltered. Shane grabbed him as his knees gave out.

"Shite! Sit down, Rob!" Shane said, rushing him to the bed.

Darren stood in the closet, uncertain if he should intrude even though every fiber in his body wanted to break through the faux wooden door and go to Robbie's aid.

Stephen muttered to himself. "When I find him, he'd better have something good to say. When I find him, he'd better, he'd better, or I'll..." he stopped and took deep breaths, quelling either tears or a pent fury gurgling beneath his surface. He pushed the closet door harshly. It hit Darren's head and he cried out.

"Ro?" Stephen shouted, angrily and hopefully at once. The door flew open and Darren found himself face to face with Stephen. Although his disappointment was unmasked, Stephen recovered himself instantaneously.

"Good evening, Darren," he said, as though finding him in a closet was a run of the mill event.

"Hello, Stephen," Darren answered. He stepped out of the closet, nonchalantly pulling the blanket behind him.

Shane was bent over Robbie, too busy pressing a cold wash cloth to his forehead to notice the ridiculous exchange.

"Did he eat anything?" Shane asked Darren.

"Not that I know of," Darren said.

"You're sure?"

"We've been together all night," Darren said, blushing as he did.

"You guys aren't together, are you?" asked Stephen.

"No!" Darren said, a little too emphatically.

"Ah," said Stephen. "So how'd you end up in the closet?"

"I don't know," Darren said hesitantly. "I think I was carried?"

"Robbie," Shane chirped playfully, "did you put Darren in the closet?"

Robbie stared at Shane blankly. "I guess so," he said. "I don't remember." He yawned. "Were you in my closet, Darren?"

Darren nodded.

"That's nice," Robbie said groggily. "I'm a little hungry," he said as he snuggled against Shane's hip and closed his eyes.

"Listen. Darren." said Stephen, who had been pacing disconcertedly between the bed and the foyer, "I don't want you to think anything off about me and Ro. I know you heard I'm looking for him. I'm a little worried. I don't want you to think anything untoward."

"No worries," Darren said.

"Stephen, he knows about you and Ro. I told him," said Shane.

"Shane?" Stephen whined.

"You don't have to worry about me," Darren said. "I'm just glad the secret's finally out. I keep running into Ronan."

Stephen's face crumpled at Ronan's name. "You were there tonight, weren't you." It wasn't a question but rather a simple statement of fact.

"Yes," said Darren.

Stephen nodded. "I heard him talking to someone after he left. I should have gone after him, I guess."

You didn't want him back right then, though, did you?" Shane said practically.

"No, I suppose not," said Stephen.

"Well, then," said Shane.

Stephen whirled on him. "You don't think Ronan's good enough for me. You never have!"

Shane didn't say a word during Stephen's tirade, didn't make a motion to confirm or deny what he said. He simply stroked Robbie's hair and kept his gaze locked onto Stephen's. When Stephen finished, he said,

"Feel better?" and Stephen said,

"No."

"Why don't you sit down? I'll make some tea," Darren said, putting his arm around him.

Stephen shrugged Darren off, saying, "There's no kettle. It's America, remember?"

"I'll order room service, then," Darren said, trying not to show his hurt at Stephen's brush off.

Stephen perched himself on the bed's edge next to the sleeping Robbie's feet. He slumped over and mumbled into his hands.

"I never thought it would end like this," he said sadly.

"What's ended, Steo? It's not over yet," Shane said, leaning up to lightly rub his back.

"Remember how it used to be? When we just started out?"

"When we were on the road and you got homesick all the time?" Shane said.

"I'd shut myself in my room and cry on my bed because I couldn't see mam and dad and I was so depressed because no one knew I was gay..."

"We knew," Shane said quietly.

Darren handed Stephen a cup of tea. He blew over it, watching the brown liquid shimmer.

"Ronan used to knock at my door because he knew I was down," Stephen continued.

"We all worried about you," Shane said.

"And the five us used to sit on my bed, and you'd all hug me." Stephen's voice cracked.

Shane rubbed his back harder.

"And Ronan said that he'd always take care of me," Stephen whimpered. He fell against Shane's chest as he lost control of his tears.

"We all said that, Stephen," Shane said. He pulled Stephen back, forcing him to look into his face. "Someone will always take care of you," he said firmly.

Stephen sat up. "It's not that," he said. "I can take care of myself now. It's that Ronan doesn't care anymore. When he first said that I'd be safe with him, that he'd make sure of it, I didn't know what to think because he was younger than me, but he was so together, you know? And he kept showing me over and over how he could catch me everytime I fell and pick me up whenever I was down. I don't need his support anymore, but I still need him."

"I know," said Shane.

"I trusted him implicitly," said Stephen.

"What happened?" asked Darren, who had been sitting quietly with his tea.

"J," said Shane.

"I don't know what happened," said Stephen. "We were perfect. This sounds bad, but after his mam and his grandma and his cousin died, we grew closer. It was finally my turn to take care of him. He was the one crying at night instead of me."

Darren glanced over to Robbie. Stephen didn't notice, but Shane smiled reassuringly.

"How did you know something was wrong?" Darren asked.

"J came up to me and said Ro was a good kisser. I think he was drunk. It was a month after 'When the Going Gets Tough,' but they'd been seeing each other since the album came out. I confronted Ronan and he told me everything. But he never told me why he did it. I figured I had done something to disappoint him, but I couldn't think what."

"Don't blame yourself," said Shane.

"Well, blaming him hasn't done me any good," said Stephen. "I thought we could work it out, get past it, but I don't know what he wants. One minute he's apologizing, the next minute he's with J again."

"J is fairly addictive," Darren said. "I mean...he has a tendency to...get what he wants from someone." He blushed.

Stephen's eyes widened. "Am I the only one here who's never made out with Jason?" he bellowed. Darren stared at his feet sheepishly. Robbie opened his eyes and nodded before falling against Shane's leg again. Shane waved at Stephen.

"I've never kissed J," he said.

Stephen rolled his eyes. "At this rate, you will have by the end of the week."

Shane laughed.

"What am I going to do?" Stephen sighed. "After last night, especially, I hate to admit it, but I'm a little scared of him now."

"I won't let anything happen to you," Shane promised.

"I know," said Stephen.

"I saw him last night, you know," Darren said slowly. "I don't really understand what's happened between you two, and it's not my business, you know, but I think that Ronan doesn't know either. I think he's just really lost. And he's not used to that. It upsets him and he lashes out, but it's not at you. I think it's just because he doesn't know what to do."

"He had a gash on his forehead two days ago," Shane said. "Do you know how that happened, Steo? He wouldn't tell me."

"We were fighting, as usual. I pushed him," Stephen said.

"You did that to him?" Shane said in disbelief.

"No. He tripped on the coffee table on his way out."

Shane snickered. He patted Stephen and cooed, "Poor little Stephen, letting a piece of furniture do your dirty work."

"Shut up," Stephen said.

Robbie yawned, stretched, and sat up.

"Feel better?" Shane asked.

"Much," he said. "Did you lose Ronan?" he asked Stephen innocently.

"God, I hope not," Stephen said desperately. "I won't give him up, I can't, we've been through too much."

"Hey, hey," Robbie said, quickly. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry, mate."

"Where is he?" Stephen cried.

Robbie paused. "Um, doesn't his brother own a bar around here?"

Stephen sat bolt upright. Shane slapped his forehead. "Of course!" they yelled. "Let's go!" They were halfway out the door as Robbie scrambled into some clothes and Darren hollered,

"Wait! I have to find my pants!" He ran off to his room, calling to them to hold a cab. In a minute, he was downstairs as well. One cab holding Stephen and Shane was just pulling out and Robbie hailed another. Robbie told the cabbie to the follow the others.

"I was really worried about you, last night, Rob," said Darren.

"Why?"

"You were banging your head on the wall."

"I was?"

"Yes," said Darren.

"I don't remember," said Robbie.

"No, I imagine not. Do you remember last night at all? I took you to my room."

"No."

"You couldn't stop crying. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," Robbie squeezed Darren's arm. "But I'm glad I wasn't alone, even if I don't remember."

Darren sighed. "Robbie, I wish you would just tell me what upsets you so much. I don't know that I could stand seeing you like that again."

Robbie withdrew into the corner. He watched the traffic lights whirl past.

"Robbie?" Darren said.

"I want to tell you, Daz."

"Then do."

He shook his head. "I'm afraid..that you wouldn't like me very much after I told you."

Darren grinned. "I couldn't like you any less," he joked.

Robbie pursed his lips ruefully. "Believe me, you can."

"Robbie, I promise you, whatever it is, I won't think any less of you, I won't leave you alone, and I won't stop caring about you." He chose the last phrase carefully, weighing the difference between loving and caring, and ultimately deciding that he wasn't ready to say loving yet and Robbie probably wasn't ready to hear it either.

"We're here," Robbie said. He darted out of the cab. Darren tossed a few dollars to the cabbie and raced after him into the bar. He pushed his way to the bar in time to see Ronan's brother hand Stephen a pint.

"We're going to take him home before long. We have to close in half an hour," he shouted.

"How is he?" Stephen shouted.

"Very Irish," the brother said, saluting him with his Guinness.

"Gimme some of that," Robbie said. A pint slid down the bar, but Shane caught it.

"He'll have a club soda," he said to the elder Keating. Seconds later Robbie had it in hand. He sipped at it disdainfully.

"Has he been at it long?" Stephen asked.

Darren looked around, wondering what he could mean. He finally spotted Ronan, sitting atop the karaoke machine, his blond head bobbing above the smattering of patrons. He held a pint in one hand and a microphone in the other. He swayed a little, and might have lost his balance if not for the wall holding him up. Looking down, Darren realized why. Eight empty glasses were meticulously lined up on the floor beneath his feet. The ninth was about to join them. Stephen was talking to him now. He tried to pull him off the machine, but Ronan pushed him away. Stephen fell against a table. When he stood up, his shirt was stained with lager. He tried again to lure Ronan back with him, but Ronan wouldn't have it. He tried to pull Stephen up with him. He wouldn't come and instead yelled at Ronan to snap out of it. Ronan laughed and burst into tears. Stephen grabbed his arm, but Ronan shook him off. His brother handed him another Guinness. He took it and Stephen stormed off. Ronan took a gulp of it and yelled after him,

"Stephen!"

Stephen turned around. Ronan slid off the karaoke machine. His legs buckled and he held himself up against it. He reached out and Stephen ran to that familiar spot by his side.

"I wanted to sing to you," Ronan said.

"So sing," Stephen said, not as coldly as he might have.

If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off and if I get too tired to make it be my breath so I can walk

Ronan held onto Stephen desperately.

If I need some other love give me more than I can stand and when my smile gets old and faded wait around I'll smile again

Stephen shook. He'd been waiting such a long time to see Ronan's smile.

Shouldn't be so complicated just hold me and then just hold me again

He squeezed Ronan tightly. Ronan pushed him away and held onto his shoulder, urgently pleading,

Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together

You're breaking me in and this is how we will end with you and me bent

Stephen held Ronan's hand on his shoulder. Ronan leaned into him.

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep could you paint me better off could you sympathize with my needs I know you think I need a lot.

Stephen shook his head, biting back tears. Ronan dropped his hand and stood confrontationally before him.

I started out clean but I"m jaded just phoning it in just breaking the skin

He crinkled his nose in self loathing.

Start bending me It's never enough I feel all your pieces

His lip trembled. Stephen reached for him, but he shook his head, knowing that a touch would send him over the edge.

Start bending me Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

Shouldn't be so complicated

He started crying and Stephen grabbed him, pulling him in to him.

Just touch me and then just touch me again

Ronan gasped out the last part and commenced sobbing in Stephen's arms.

Stephen stroked his hair. "It's okay," he purred. "I understand now. I'll be the strong one for awhile."

Ronan clung to Stephen as his bastion against the world. Stephen escorted him out. He didn't take his arm from his shoulders, even after they slid into the taxi. Darren watched them drive off as Ronan nestled against Stephen's chest and Stephen turned his head side to side, cautiously. Darren wondered what threats he watched for, and if they were the same demons that turned Robbie into the shell of himself, if they were the same ones that Darren wanted more than anything to destroy.

tbc

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