Legal Note: Plese don't read this if you are under the age of 18 years or the particular age of permission where ever you live.The story below is in all parts fictional. All portayal of the Backstreet Boys and other persons mentioned is in no way based on fact. All other characters are completely fictional. All names, songs, events, and other liscensed material remains so. Thank you.
To my readers: Thanks to Matt, Mike, AD and the guy who sends a critique e-mail for whatever story he reads.
September 19, 1999 is the day they arrive-by they, I mean BSB-and I have tickets. Working on those backstage passes. Promise to write all about it. Enjoy this part of the story. I was thinking, I could really go on writing it until I get tired of the characters-so I will. As always, bsbwriter@altavista.net for comments, suggestions, etc.
Enjoy!
C'iao,
EG
Part 8
When Kevin opened the door, I saw Brian sitting on the edge of the bed, crying. "It-It didn't work. Nicky wouldn't even talk to me. It was horrible. Fi-First, he would even let me in. Then, he let me in and started, started raving about what you said. I kept asking him why. He said because you were a liar. This is going to tear the band apart Kev. We play the show on Saturday. This is Tuesday. There's no way we can work this out by then. We're gonna have to cancel!" Brian became uncontrollable in his crying.
Kevin sat down next to him on the bed and put an arm around him. "Whoa whoa. Calm down. Five days is a long time. We can work through this," he said in a soothing tone.
I was left standing by the door. "Let's tell him about the plan for tonight, okay?" I offered.
"Good idea." Kev said. We told him all about the plan involving him, Zach and Brian. They would go out tonight to see a Broadway show-on the way up, Nick had told Kevin he wanted to do that before they left New York. Since Zach had three tickets to see RENT, Brian, Nick and he would go. They would get to know each other. When Nick seemed comfortable with Zach, he would try to broach the subject. Brian agreed to help.
"I just wanted to remind you I'm one-hundred percent behind you, cuz. It doesn't change the way I love you, the way all the guys love you. And as soon as Nick understands, he'll feel that way too."
Brian left to get some sleep. Kevin and I continued talking, for hours. We sat on the bed facing each other. "Adam-I just wanted thank you. You're a great person. Yesterday we were strangers and today I feel so spiritually close. Thanks." Kevin reached for a hug and I accepted. I never would have dreamt this would happen. His long, solid arms reached around me, his two hands resting on my back. I did the same. I could feel his breaths being drawn in and out. He pulled out after a few beats. My lips brushed his cheek, and then he pulled in for a tighter hug. We weren't lovers, but we were true friends.
"Okay," Kevin said, "can we talk about the other problem now?" I nodded. He pulled the letter out of the pocket of the white dress shirt he was wearing. My palms started to sweat. Its not fair to tell him, I thought. I have to wait until the problems with Nick are straightened out. I can't tell him. I can't tell him.
He started to read. "It says: Dear Kevin, First of all-let me tell you-I'm a guy. And I'm gay. Ever since your first appearance on MTV, I've been a dedicated fan. I've watched you go from Bye Bye Birdie to the top of the Billboard charts. Your music is true and sincere and somehing which I consider the soundtrack to my life. I'm sure there are plenty of fans who think they will one day be the Mrs. Kevin Richardson. I'm more realistic. I don't pretend to know you, but by observing the type of person who you are, I've cultivated a large crush. You don't know how hard it is to be gay, young and in love with a Backstreet Boy. This is the sort of thing that is doomed at the start, but---" I looked up, to see Kevin crying. "It goes on like that. This man changed my life in a way I never expected. I've known I was gay for years, but its always seemed like a stupid thing to tell anyone. Through this letter, I realized I could be a happier person. I learned to have hope in the impossible. I want to thank the author-if I ever-" There was a knock on the door-well, more like a pounding.
"Kevin! Kevin! Let me in!" It was Brian.
"What is it???" Kevin asked, answering the door.
"Its Frack-he's gone."
"What do you mean he's gone?!?" Kevin yelled.
"He's gone. I checked his room, all the other guys' rooms, the lobby, the coffee shop, the bar-he's gone."
"Calm down. He is an adult, for the most part. He probably just went for a walk or something."
"But what if he ran away?"
"Okay. We just need to make sure he's all right," said Kevin, taking over his paternal role. "Is there anywhere else he might be?"
"I don't know."
"Well, think."
"I don't know, Kevin!"
"Okay. Everyone chill for a sec. Call the management. Let them know what's up. Don't tell them why Nick's mad. Just say he's missing. They'll find him."
"Kevin," I piped up, "I'm just going to call Zach and see if maybe Nick is with them."
"Good idea."
Behind me, Kevin worked to comfort B-rok while I called Zach on his cell phone. I rang a few times before he picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hey-Zach. Please tell me Nick is with you."
"How'd you know? He just showed up like a lost puppy and tapped AJ on the shoulder. Even though he an Howie are a little mad at him, they see he's hurting"
"I'm really glad he's there," I sighed. "Hey guys!" I called to Kev and Brian. "I found him! He's at the Guggenheim with Zach, AJ and Howie."
"Thank god," Kevin said.
"When I get my hands on that jerk..." Brian growled.
"Look, Zach," I said, "You know how you were going to have that talk with Nick later? Could you do that now? Just send AJ and Howie somewhere else, please?"
"Yeah, okay. See you later."
"Later," I said, and put my phone back in my pocket.
"Brian-are you going to be all right? You're awfully jumpy." I asked.
"I'll be fine. This just needs to get worked out. I hate it when we fight!" Brian said, and put his head in his hands.
Kevin patted him on the back. "So do I."
"Okay, I'm going to go get some coffee," Brian said, getting up.
"Do you want us to come with?" I asked.
"To tell you guys the truth, I'd really rather be alone," Brian said, and walked towards the door.
We nodded and waved goodbye. "What were we talking about before he came in?" Kevin asked me.
"The letter."
"Oh. Yeah. Well...I want to the find this guy-I think he could be my soul mate."
"Kevin, you've never met this guy. Granted he helped you to come out, but he could be some wacko living in a shack in back country," I lied through my teeth. Its just not fair to Kevin if I tell him. As much as I want to be with him, he travels all the time. Even on the off chance we would get together, and fall in love, we'd never get to be together. They travel too much. It'd be selfish if I told him-and it would only cause heart break for the both of us.
"I know that's a possibility, but I don't think its true. I have to find him."
"Okay, but be careful-whatever you decide, I'll support you-just know that." He nodded. "I'm going to go down to my room and give you some space-I'll call in a couple of hours."
"Okay." Kevin grasped my hand while I walked away, then let go. "Bye."
"Bye."
I got back to my room and passed out on the couch. I sank into the cushions slowly and drifted to sleep. I had a terrible nightmare. It was a long, brutal dream. I was chained in a chair and there was a TV in front of me. On TV, Carson Daly introduced the number one video, "I Want It That Way." At first, I was happy to see it. Then, when it got to Kevin's solo, instead of singing he started to speak. "What are you doing to me, Adam? You're lying!" he screamed. He pulled himself out of the TV and jumped into the room. He circled the chair and yelled "What's wrong with you? Did you actually think I would love you? You said it yourself. `Some wacko' wrote the letter. You were right. You're insane! What is wrong with you???!?" I went to speak, but found I had no voice. I struggled to get out of the chair, but instead, it toppled over. Before I hit the ground I woke up, breathless and sweaty.
"No no no...." I exhaled as I drew myself out of my restless slumber. I realized it was a dream, sighed, and let my head fall back on the cushion. I heard voices in the other room. Eavesdropping was really becoming a habit, but I really didn't have enough energy to get up and let whoever it was know I was there. I listened.
"You need to calm down." It was Zach.
"I don't even know you. Why should I listen?" And Nick.
"Well, the guys asked me to talk to you, so I'm at least going to try to help."
"I'm listening."
"What's been bothering you so much?"
"Well, Train's gay."
"And?"
"He didn't tell me. He's my best friend next to B-rok. I feel like I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. And some other stuff."
"Other stuff?"
"Yeah, other stuff. Do I have to tell you?"
"Truthfully? No. But it would help the situation."
"Okay." Nick paused. I could hear him start to cry. This certainly had been an emotional morning for the Backstreet Boys. "I haven't told anyone this. I was afraid that if the boys knew about Kevin, they would find out about me."
"That you're--"
"Yes. That I'm gay."
"Oh."
"And that's why you acted so violently?"
"I just felt threatened. And. well. I've had a crush on Kevin for, like, a few months. I was happy and scared and felt betrayed. And my reaction was the, uh, result."
"Okay-so what you need to do is tell Kevin your feelings." I made up my mind to murder Zach, again, later.
"Okay."
"Promise?"
"Yes. I will. Tonight."
"Okay."
At this point they headed towards the sitting room where I was "sleeping." I closed my eyes and started shallow breaths. They left the room. I waited a few moments til I heard the elevator shifting, and grabbed my phone. I dialed 508. I listened to it ring. I know shouldn't tell Kevin-but he deserves to know, doesn't he? Kevin picked up, and said a gruff "Hello?"
"Hey, It's me, Adam. I really need to talk to you. Can we meet in the bar?"
"Yeah. See you in five."
"See you then."
The bar was a cherry wood deal, very dark and old style. I found Kevin in a booth. Only his face was illuminated by the lamp next to him. Damn he was exquisite. He smiled weakly and motioned for me to sit down. "What is it?" he said, concerned.
"Zach had his talk with Nick..."
"And???"
"The main reason he reacted so rudely was that he is in the middle of coming to terms with his own homosexuality."
"Oh, man." Kevin said and sat back. He closed his eyes. "What's the other reason?"
"He has a crush on you." I felt terrible for being a tattle-tale.
"Wow-but-"
"What?" I said a little too quickly.
"The feelings aren't mutual." I breathed a silent sigh of relief.
"That's okay, I think."
"But if he faces rejection this early, he might not ever be able to have a healthy relationship."
"Well, what else can you do?"
"I don't know."
"Just try to be gentle."
"Believe me-I will. He's like my little brother. I could never intentionally hurt him."
"Okay. Be careful."
"I promise."
I ordered a ginger ale, and he ordered a cranberry and vodka. I knew from interviews he seldom drinks, but granted, this was definitely a permissible occasion. Our drinks came after a few moments, the waitress winking at both of us. I needed a drink too, but I didn't want Kevin to get in trouble for fostering underage drinking. Over the stereo system, "Creep" by Radiohead came on. I love that song. Apparently, so did Kevin, because he sang along under his breath. "You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather, and a beautiful one. I wish I was special, you're so very special, but I'm a creep..." I closed my eyes and listened to his beautiful voice carry itself into the air. There was something so sad and quiet, desperate and helpless in his tone, I couldn't stand anymore. The dream was haunting me. Tonight, I would tell him. I wrote the letter.
to be continued.