A Tart In The Bedroom
Part 1 of 2
By Trish
"You pathetic worm!"
I ducked as a china teapot flew in the general direction of my head.
"You lost another bloody job!"
"Look Lynn it's not my fault! The company's gone bust!" I wailed as another china ornament flew at me only this time it glanced off my head before impacting on the doorframe. Wildly I waved the letter of redundancy towards her "Look! It's in here!" clumsily dropping the letter in my anxiety.
Hurling a mug at my head, which I amazingly managed to catch, my wife of two months stalked across the room and swept up the letter snapping. "Fuck off! I don't want to see you!"
Shuffling away I ran for the door, grabbing my scruffy denim jacket as I passed the coat hooks. Closing the front door I heard her angry, crying. "Off to the bloody pub and his mates!"
I almost felt guilty about leaving her, but I knew when she was in this sort of rage she was best left alone.
To be honest with you I wasn't that bothered about losing my job. I didn't like it much anyway. Sitting in front of a computer all day was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to use my degree to work in conservation, and had taken the voluntary redundancy quite willingly. Lynn earns more than enough from her job for both of us so what was the problem? I dearly love my fiery wife but I don't want to come across as a sponger here because I am not.
I had already phoned the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers and got a position with them, but it was likely to be an unpaid one or at best part-time, minimum wage. I was not sure quite sure how Lynn was going to react to that but I thought it would all work out. The only reason why had stayed with the most recent bloody job in the first place was to make her happy, the two previous similar jobs, I had quit after a month or so due to the sheer boredom they entailed!
Since we met she had been the controlling force in our relationship, setting our joint aims and the like. I had been a shyish second year conservation and land management BSc student. I had avoided most of the student madness by keeping my head down and going for good grades. I had an ambition to be a National Park Ranger and knew all to well that to get such a position took a lot of luck and a very good degree.
I was quite active in the College's climbing club though and it was at a club meet in Langdale that I met Lynn. She was with a few of the girls from the club on a hen night for one of the collage tutors. They had all trooped off to Ambleside dressed up to the nines in one of the mini buses leaving the rest of us to get pissed on Old Peculiar in the Old Dungeon Ghyll. After closing time and a few good hearted chants of, "The barman is a wanker!" we staggered back to the campsite finding much to our stupid drunken mind's amusement that some of the girl's tents had been flattened by the wind and were now sopping wet.
It must have been three in the morning when they got back. Imagine it. Seventeen screaming drunk women dressed in short dresses and high heels having to navigate their way back to their tents on a muddy campsite in a howling gale and driving rain. Like the rest of the campers that night I was awakened by the girls noises. Then I heard a laughing voice. Half awake fumbling for my sleeping bag zipper I heard the flysheet of my tent being undone.
"I think Barry's in here on his own Lynn? He's cool, I shared a tent with him at the New Year meet."
I recognised the speaker as Karen who was following the same course as me at College. "You'll like him Lynn, trust me and anyway - it's him or the van!"
"Karen?" I slurred still well smashed from my five pints of Old Peculiar and one pint of 'The Executioner' that I had been given as part of the round at closing time. "What's up?"
"Barry meet Lynn. She needs a tent, hers is flat! Lynn meet Barry!"
In the dull beam of Karen's torch I vaguely made out what can be best described as the drunken monster woman from hell. Her makeup had run all over her face due to the evening activities and the harsh wind-driven rain. Long red tendrils of hair flapped around her glazed unfocused eyes.
"All right!" She introduced her self with slurred speech. "I Lynn. Me tent flat!" Having been in the to drunk to converse state myself, I followed her train of thought easily.
"Best come in then, hadn't you?"
"Cheers Barry," Karen said, grinning at her friend. "She's going to hate her self in the morning. I'm off to the van." Then she was off confidently striding over the field with an assurance that comes from having being a farmer's daughter.
We were both smashed and after a lot of laughing on both our parts Lynn managed to get her sleeping bag laid out in the confines of my tiny tent and herself snugly in side it. By now I had somewhat sobered up and asked if she wanted a hot chocolate?
"Umh yesh!" Came the slurred reply, "chocolate Ree!"
From that moment a beautiful if somewhat stormy relationship was born and now here I was two years later wandering down to my local pub feeling like a total shit for upsetting her like that. But relieved that as of Monday week I would be doing something I liked. After a pint or two and a game of darts I had pretty much forgotten about the row and walked home. When I got home the house was in darkness and I guessed that Lynn had gone to bed early. As quietly as I could and forgoing my usual night-time mug of tea I crept in to our bedroom and got undressed. Just as I was about to lift the duvet Lynn coldly said. "What makes you think I want to see you?"
"Hi love!" I said sheepishly. "Erm I was coming to bed?"
Click! The sudden light dazzled me for a moment. I could see Lynn silhouetted in front of the bright bedside light. "So what? Didn't I tell you I didn't want to see you?"
"Er. Yes Lynn." I replied I had never seen her in a mood quite like this one before.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Get another job." I hurriedly said. "I phoned the BTCV this morning and they could use me."
"Is it a paid full time position?" She asked coldly.
"Erm probably not." I prevaricated.
"No." She looked at me in the light and said in a tone with absolutely no give in it what so ever. "If you are working for nothing or on short contract? NO!"
I was about to talk but she cut me off. "Unless you want a divorce?" "No." I whispered. "Not that please. I love you."
"Well you could have fooled me!" She grunted. "Sometimes I wonder what it is that I ever saw it you."
"Please Lynn I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If the company hadn't gone bust I would have kept at it. Honest! Please Lynn don't leave me!"
"All right then I wont, but if the BCTV job you're talking about is not paid then I will find you a job and you will bloody well do it to the best of your abilities - or else!"
I knew the thing she hated most about me was my attitude to employment. Before we married I had something like 7 or 8 temporary contracts from the likes of the BTCV on council funded projects but had never managed to secure a full time position. It had been a condition of our marriage that I got and kept a full time job.
"It's a deal." I replied, knowing that I was going to do whatever she said anyway. I had argued a few times when I had been offered full time post in the more remote parts of the country. That we should move was my suggestion - to which she always replied that her job being the far better paid meant we should stay. She was right too, she earned four times what I was currently paid.
I thought I saw the makings of a smile one her face when she said. "Since I can see it in your face that the position is a voluntary one. I will make a few phone calls in the morning and see what I can find? You might as well as take the earliest possible redundancy. Mrs. Johnson (our part time house cleaner) is on holiday for a month. You can cover for her rather than me getting someone else. I will pay you at her rate for the work and give you a housekeeping allowance for the food and the like."
Having little choice in the matter anyway I agreed with her decision and hesitantly slipped in to bed as she turned of the light. "Oh and Barry?"
"Yes love?" I replied.
"I expect you to sort out your appearance, off with your bum fluff beard and sort out your hair. I don't care what you do with it particularly, tie it back. But?" I could hear the amusement in her voice. "I would appreciate it if you didn't get it cut. I like your hair! But it will have to be kept neat. The people I know through work don't mind long hair on men so long as it tidy and looked after."
"Yes love." I replied to her back.
Next morning she acted as if the previous night had not taken place. As usual it was, "Morning sweetie," a kiss and then she was off, leaving me to finish my breakfast, grab my jacket and hop on to the tube for work. Not that I or anyone else did much, I spent the morning answering emails and playing 'Quake' on the network before going to see the personnel staff at lunch time.
Delighted that they could shed more staff early, they told me I could finish the following Friday. When I got home that night, I made the dinner while waiting for Lynn to get home. I told her my news but she didn't seem that bothered asking only how long dinner would be because she had a few calls to make.
After dinner we had a comfortable evening in front of the telly with a bottle of wine. This was somewhat unusual because normally Lynn brought a load of work home with her or was studying up on some money laundering tax fiddle while I would go to the pub for a pint and a game of darts. It was lovely we had not done this since I was a student and I told her so, to which she sadly shook her head. "I know love, but I will pay for it tomorrow as I have a load of papers I should be looking at and," she looked at me sheepishly. "It occurred to me this morning that I haven't had much time for you since our honeymoon." Then to my delight she KISSED me! Adding in a mock serious tone, "And didn't I tell you to shave?"
"You did yes, I am going to shave it when I get home from work Friday," adding (hoping that this was the right moment). "The BTCV? It IS part time in a paid position."
"Don't worry about it. Kelly Westbrough needs some one who can fly a PC. I asked her today, she's a bit dubious but wants to meet you, so I invited her and Bob to dinner on Saturday night. I meant to tell you this earlier but it slipped my mind. Mrs. J is flying off tonight so you will have to do the house as well as the dinner. Sorry but you did say you would do her work?"
"Fine." I replied, "What do you want for dinner?"
"Think up a couple of menus will you and let me know? I will find out what she likes." Lynn smiled and kissed me again. "You will like Kelly, she's in wholesale. I deal with her account." Running her hands through my hair she said in a worried tone. "Want a hand with your hair? I am not sure I trust a snippy hairdresser." Pulling me towards her she kissed me again more forcefully. "Let's go to bed love, I am feeling horny!"
The next few days dragged, the only indication of what she had in mind for me was on the Thursday morning. As usual, over the previous week I had just lobbed my washing in the basket forgetting all about Mrs.J being away and I had no clean underpants. Lynn had laughed at my predicament and given me a pair of her plain everyday M&S knickers. The only real difference between my own and this pair was a line of stretchy lace that followed the leg opening on the front. Feeling a little kinky I did as she suggested and got on with my day. Friday was exactly like the Thursday only it dragged more. By 3.30 I knocked it on the head, said my goodbyes and went home early to miss the Friday rush out of London. As usual on a Friday I stopped off at the pub and had a couple of pints before walking the half-mile home. Much to my surprise as I strolled along enjoying the evening sunshine Lynn pulled up beside me in her car.
"Finish early tonight?" I asked, getting in beside her.
"Got every thing done that I needed to do so I came home early for a change. What's for tea?"
"Dunno yet, I haven't looked, what do you fancy?"
"Fish and chips!" She giggled, "I was in Luton today and walked past a chippy and they smelled heavenly."
"Sounds good to me. You going to get them?"
"Yes, I'll do it while you are having a shower and a shave." She laughed pulling up in our drive, "You can borrow my razor and cream if you want? It's a lot less harsh on the skin than that superdrug stuff and the blades are sharper than those 'Bic' disposables you bought."
Getting home together at the same time was a strange experience we kept on bumping in to each other. She laughed and said kissing me, "You make the tea, I'll go and change love."
Minutes later we were sat in the living room chatting about how our day had gone in comfortable companionship. Finally Lynn said with a silly sly grin. "I'm hungry! You go and get cleaned up. Don't bother about washing your hair I'll do it for you before I give you a trim."
"Hokey dokey." I replied and went to shred my face with the razor - something I was not accustomed to at all. After nearly three years I had finally managed to cultivate something approaching a beard and now I was going to remove it! Ah well! Good bye the Jesus look and hello to whatever Lynn had in mind for me. Not that I was complaining about it mind. Like I said I love my bossy, often infuriating wife, and would pretty much do anything to keep her. If she wanted to improve my hair and appearance then I was going to go along with it. I could always get it cut if it was a disaster. Also, more importantly I did not want to another round with that scary anger she had shown on Monday night!
My face felt kind of strange when she called me down for our take a way dinner and the house smelt kind of strange, not just of the fish and chips but something else as well. Smiling at my clean-shaven face she said. "Hon, you already look better, I had forgotten how good looking you were under that bumfluff!"
Straight after we had eaten she had me bent over the sink and was dolloping the stuff I had caught a whiff of earlier on to my head. It smelt appalling and looked and felt like warm green mud as she rubbed it on to my hair. Making sure that she had coated every hair she pulled a disposable shower cap over my head informing me that I would have to keep the herbal 'conditioner' in my hair for at least 3 hours.
Not that she was idle during that time - oh no! First of all she slapped a face pack on me and while that was doing, she manicured my fingernails using a buffing set to produce a healthy shine to the nails surface. Once my face pack was removed we had a coffee over which I admitted that I was really enjoying being pampered.
Next up were my eyebrows, "Nothing obvious," she assured me before she started in with her tweezers "Just going to tidy the stray hairs!"
I had seen her do this to herself on hundreds of occasions and had never quite realised just how painful it was. For all it was painful it was also quite amusing to watch Lynn, she looked so stupid with her tongue stuck out in concentration.
"Whass' up?" She half heatedly muttered seeing the expression in my eyes.
"Your tongue."
Mumbling. "Oh that? Yea!" she returned to tugging at my eyebrows.
Once she finished she gently caressed some potion or other on to my eyebrows which quickly eased away any lingering discomfort. By now my head was itching wildly and had become very annoying, Lynn smirked as she kept batting my hands away.
"Don't do that you will ruin the buff up I gave your nails." Exasperated I moaned. "They're gonna get knackered tomorrow anyway, what with the cooking and cleaning!"
Lynn laughed. "That's tomorrow and this is now, so keep your bloody hands down!"
Finally she said with a happy smile. "Time Hon, let's see what we got!"
It took forever for her to rinse the stuff from my hair. This time I noticed that she had on a pair of disposable gloves and had a sudden sickening thought. She wasn't dying my hair was she? Christ what were the lads down at the pub going to think?
I felt my self hauled upright and tried to catch a glimpse of my hair colour but Lynn had already gathered it all up under a towel. Using it to vigorously rub my head the moment I was upright before trading it for a dry towel to re-wrap around my head.
"Bring your chair over here and I will get you finished." In a mock nasty tone she snipped her scissors, adding in a deep voice. "Trust me?"
"Course!" I told her adding. "I'll probably have to get it cut for a job anyway!"
Lynn guffawed. "Mebbe not, if Kelly likes you? I know exactly what she likes and she is just gonna love you!"
"And if I don't like it? I hesitated to ask this but I had a ghastly feeling about something. I didn't know what but I felt she was up to something else.
I could feel the change in her as she stiffened and said in a very cold tone. "Your views are of no interest to me at all on this matter. You agreed to let me find you a job and I think I have. And now you are going to try and get it with all of your heart, or you are going to leave and we shall get a divorce!"
Defensively I said. "I was only asking. I guessed the rest and I'll go along"
She glared at me snipping her scissors and waiving her comb. "You had better!"
I kept trying to see my hair as she brushed the knots and lugs out but since it was wet it looked the same and I breathed a misguided sigh of relief. After a while I felt her tilt my head and start to cut. Running her scissors through my hair at about the level of my shoulders I heard more than felt her cut my hair to that length all round before combing it and trimming the strays. As Lynn chopped I could sense her anger receding. Testing the ice I said lightly. "Come on love, get on with it I am dying to see what you have done!"
"In a minute!" she laughed taking my olive branch. "I am an accountant not a hairdresser. Let me do the front and then I give you a quick blow dry and you can get down the pub for lasts if you want."
Perhaps?" I mused knowing that she would like this, "Except that I would rather be with you!"
"Flirt!" She accused and started to cut way a good bit of my hair at the front. "Will you indulge me? I want to see how you would look with a bit of curl in your hair?" She kissed me on the lips and said with a lusty look. "This isn't for Kelly tomorrow, it's for me tonight..."
"We got some booze?" I grinned in anticipation.
"Two bottles of bubbly on ice enough?" She grinned.
"Well!" I Humphed, "Get on with it!"
With a delighted giggle she kissed me again and straightened the hairline of the fringe that she had just given me. Next she lifted a bag of rollers and some pins. Using only the largest she rolled them in to the bottom of my hair and pinned them in place. Spraying the hair wound rollers with a blue lotion she made sure the rest of me was straight and shoved her hairdryer over my head before walking away. I don't know how long I was under for but it felt like an age.
My eyes nearly popped out of my head when she got back. The reason why she had been so long was to change in to the incredible vision standing in front of me. Short blond hair, intense blue eyes highlighted with skilfully applied makeup and a pair of glistening strident red lips!
Her fitness-trained body was shown off in a tight shiny black basque and tiny knickers. Attached to the basque by thin straps were a pair of fine stockings that made her legs look longer especially since she was wearing a pair of high black strappy heels. Jesus she was beautiful!
"You like?" She giggled lifting the dryer off my head. "Since you had been so good I decided to treat you. Remember that thing on the telly about that Los Vegas men's salon with the lingerie clad hairdressers?" She pirouetted in front of me adding. "You have your own personal hairdresser now love."
Her hands reached out and tested my hair before quickly undoing the rollers. "Perfect!" She enthusiastically cried teasing my hair out. "Just how I had hoped it would look." She winked teasingly at me. "The curls really make you look cute. Don't think you will like it much at first though!" Nodding at the door, "Go and take a look in the hall mirror, or the bog if you want a full length view. I'll," she giggled. "Open the booze and wait for you upstairs."
Not quite sure what she meant when she said I would not like it I walked briskly in to the hall and stopped. "Oh fuck!" I said aloud looking in horror at the decidedly feminine reflection looking at me. My hair! I now had henna red hair, similar to how Lynn had hers at university. But where hers had been a hippyish mop, mine was cut in that long fringed bob that you see women driving Land Rover Discovery's wearing! Turning my head from side to side I saw what she had done with the rollers and did not like the way the ends of my hair curled inwards towards my neck or how it moved!
Grabbing one of my many hair bands I grasped it and quickly pulled it back. Oh Jesus! Pulled back it looked even worse! A short ponytail, that just asked for a velvet scrunchey to hold it in place at the back and a girlish feathered fringe at the front. Then I noticed my eyebrows, she had plucked them in to a pair of thin feminine high arches.
Just what did she expect me to do to keep our marriage going? After long minutes of self-discussion looking at my reflection I decide that my best bet was not to complain too much. The thought that I would have to go out looking like this disturbed me, but the thought of losing Lynn, while she sat waiting up stairs and dressed up to the nines for me just was not to be considered!
Forcing a smile on my face I walked up to our bedroom saying as lightly as I could and hoping that my voice was not trembling. "Bit of a shock Lynn. I'll get you for this!"
"No you wont!" She pouted sipping a glass of bubbly. "I am going to make it all so worthwhile for you? And anyway, "she drawled. "I think you look dead sexy with that little under curl in the bottom of your hair. Yummy! So pretty! Now come here!"
The next morning I stumbled out of bed and in to the loo feeling literally 'shagged out!' Only to be once again shocked by my 'improved' appearance in the mirror as I cleaned my teeth. If anything my hair now looked even redder and more feminine than it did the night before! Knowing that nothing on the earth was going to convince Lynn to let me get it cut before tonight and even if I did what about my eyebrows?
"Oh!" I looked round to see Lynn grinning contentedly, leaning against the doorframe naked. "I love the contrast between the red in your hair and pale skin!"
"Er... Thanks. Its kind of weird though?"
"Not at all weird Hon," She said looking at me as if I was a simpleton. "I know what Kelly likes and like I said she will love you! Now I have a stack of homework to do and you have the housework and washing to do. I'll have my breakfast in the study when it's ready. Cummon! Mush! I am busting for the loo."
Dubiously with a 'guess she knows what she is doing' shrug I went and dressed. It was perhaps an hour later when I was washing up that it occurred to me just what a night she had given me! My body still showed with the odd bite mark just how much I had gained. Lynn had never been that sensual a person, yet last night she had been positively wanton in her demands for pleasure. Demands that I had willingly applied myself to with a passion. Perhaps there was a silver lining in all this after all? I mused as I put the house to rights.
We had decided on tomato and basil soup with chicken and leek pie with spring vegetables, followed by apple pie and ice cream for dinner. I am the first to admit that there are not many things that I am better at than Lynn, but cooking is definitely one of them. Lynn can and does burn baked beans! Cooking is something she hates with a passion and I really enjoy so it was not very long after we started living together that I all but threw her out of MY kitchen!
The dinner was easy because apart from the fresh Vegetables the only thing I had to make up from scratch was the pastry - the rest was in the freezer. None of it was readymade either, for although Lynn had no problems with a diet of Pot Noodles, takeaways and telly dinners, I did! Insisting that she ate real food instead of processed junk, I reinforced the point by making up 'ding' portions for her to just lob in the microwave and get a fast food kick when she remembered to eat.
I have my mother to thank for it. Before I was a teenager she had drummed the rudiments of good cooking in to me. Not that I appreciated it until I got to university and then I found I still had what she taught me and it saved a fortune! Lynn often jokes that I won her the moment I made her that chocolate in the tent.
Throughout the day, Lynn would periodically call for coffee accepting it with a grunt hardly taking her eyes from her computer. After a while I got the feel for the cycle and started to try to pre-empt her calls. I never quite got to the point of being there when she would look at her empty mug and bellow but I came bloody close! By five in the afternoon I was ready and had got comfortable in front of the football results. Oblivious, I sat waiting for the City result. All I had in my mind was if we win we are in the Premier-ship with United, if we don't then it's a play off game so I did not notice Lynn standing at the door. Then there it was, "4 bloody 1!" I laughed delighted. It had not been fun being a Manchester City fan at university!
"You sound happy?" She drawled grinning at my madcap capering round the front room singing. "Four one, Four one!"
Embarrassed I looked up through my girlish hairstyle and said blushing. "We won!"
"I guessed!" Lynn laughed. "Get me a glass of wine will you? I'm going for a long soak. You all sorted?"
"Ready to roll." I grinned, wishing I were going to be at Main Road that evening.
After her bath Lynn got changed and gave me a hand tidying up the kitchen until at just after seven, when Kelly and her husband arrived. After a flurry of introductions at which neither of them reacted as if there was anything strange about my appearance, Lynn took them for 'the tour'.
Once she had shown our guests the house I organised some drinks and went to check on my soup. We had two rounds and as we chatted I could feel Kelly's assessing gaze which was more than a little disconcerting. Bob it seemed was a former stockbroker who had made a packet and spent his life touring golf courses. Tall and rangy he towered over his wife. He also possessed a whimsical understated sense of humour, which soon had us all laughing. Kelly on the other hand was about five six or so, very curvaceous with an expressive face in which her dark eyes twinkled with intelligence. When my watch bleeped I stood up and said. "Dinner in ten minutes sound good to every one?" Lynn looked and winked at me, delighted at how the evening was progressing.
"Right then folks if you will just excuse me I will go and get cracking." I said.
On entering the kitchen I quickly chopped some fresh basil and tossed it in to the soup. Which I then brought it up to the boil and removed from the heat to stand for a minute of two. Everything was going with out a hitch until I spilt soup down my shirt carrying it to the table.
"Never wears an apron!" Lynn commented dryly as I ran to the kitchen to sponge my shirt. "Keep telling him to but the stupid bugger wont!"
"Oh why not?" I heard Kelly ask, "He seems so... "
Before she could finish I said from the door, "Because it's so bloody Cheffy! Come on Lynn, how often do you see me splat myself in the kitchen?"
Lynn had to laugh at that, she was the one who got beans everywhere. "Actually Kelly?" I said, teasing my wife, "It's someone else in this house who needs an apron when in the kitchen."
The soup was welcomed enthusiastically, as was my chicken and leek pie with both Kelly and Bob commenting but it was the Apple pie that slayed them. I was watching and the look on their faces when they tried it. I glanced at Lynn who gave me a big grin and mouthed questioning, "You got it?" I shrugged and wobbled my head indecisively in reply.
Relaxing over the coffee Kelly turned to Lynn and said. "Truth now! Who's your caterer? I want to hire them!"
Lynn nodded at me and said using my bedroom name in a voice full of affection. "Ree did it."
"Bull! Kelly cried. "You are taking the piss aren't you?"
"Nope. Ree cooked the lot and I mean the lot. Soup, bread, pie but I don't think the ice cream was his though. Isn't it usually sweet cider ice cream with apple pie love?"
"Well I never!" Kelly exclaimed genuinely surprised.
"I'll show you the freezer if you want." I replied joking. "I do a big cook every five or six weeks and heave it all in the freezer. The only thing I won't freeze is pastry, it never quite comes back afterwards."
"And the recipe book?" Kelly asked animatedly, "I have got to have that soup and that apple pie."
I tapped my head and said. "All up here, but I do have my mums book to fall back on. It was her soup, the chicken was mine and the apple pie is a combination of Delia Smith and me. I'll write it down if you want. The amounts will be a bit sketchy because I do it through flavour more than anything else."
"Oh I love Delia." Kelly replied. "I have all her books at home in my kitchen." She turned to Lynn and lightly laughed. "You are one lucky woman!"
"I know!" Lynn laughed, "Ree's a cook in the kitchen, a wonderful host in the living room and..." She left the 'tart in the bedroom' comment off the end and exchanged it for a very rude look with Kelly. Who promptly bellowed with laughter.
"Oh my!" She giggled, "I haven't laughed like that for ages. You are a little devil Lynn."
"Well!" I butted in to the conversation, "I am just going to nip in to the kitchen and have a tidy up. I won't be long." Glancing at Lynn I said quietly. "Give us a shout if you want anything Lump!" If she was going to use my nickname then I was going to use hers!
"Oh!" said Kelly. "Good! Can I have a peek in your freezer?" she wheedled in mock sincerity. "I won't nick any recipes honest! Adding more firmly, "and you have got to show me how you did that pie crust!"
Delighted by her enthusiasm for my cooking, I grinned naughtily. "I've got me a pastry gadget!"
I could see Lynn out of the corner of my eye exchange a 'cooks and gadgets' look with Bob and head for the sitting room.
With in minutes of getting in to the kitchen Kelly was stood beside me drying the plates as she tried to suck my brain's entire recipe memory dry. Once we had washed up she looked contentedly about my kitchen and said. "Why don't we have a quite cuppa, I have an offer for you Ree."
I was not sure I liked someone else using my nickname and Kelly noticed. "Sorry I don't usually use nicknames but Barree, she stressed the ree, "is such a mouthful."
"Don't worry about it Kelly, Ree's fine. Friends just don't call me it that often. Will you pop the kettle on? I'll just check on Lynn and Bob."
When I opened the front room door Lynn was pouring whiskey and saying something about private finance initiative's. Seeing me about to ask she said. "Tea or coffee Bob?"
"Whisky thanks." He grinned up at me and held out his glass. "Kelly emptied your brain yet?"
"Not quite." I replied dryly.
"We're fine thanks Ree." Lynn told me, refilling Bob's glass.
"Just us Kelly," I laughed walking back in to the kitchen, "Lynn's already building Bob a hangover I'm afraid."
"Possibly!" She laughed. "Anyway Ree I don't know if Lynn told you but she gave me your CV when she heard I was looking for a girl Friday".
She held up her hand as I half stood about to open my mouth and said comfortably, "Let me finish."
"I don't particularly like working with men and at the moment outside the warehouse I have none so I was not disposed to expect to like you as much as I do. Now the job? It involves a lot of computer work and with your conservation background? You pretty much fit the bill and have a damn sight more about you than the two impeccably qualified girls I have already interviewed. I specialise in organic beauty product ingredients, which are then manufactured into the actual product by someone else. For example your hair, the henna I mean. If it's organic and packaged over here there is a good chance that I supplied it."
"Oh?" I replied not wanting to tell her it was Lynn's doing, "I'll read the packaging next time."
Nodding and smiling she continued. "The job is nine to five Monday to Friday although if it's a late night then it's a late night. The pay's about £1600 a month and as many samples as you can claim before someone else blaggs them plus a profit scheme that I don't quite understand. How does that sound?"
"Wow!" I thought, "1600 quid a month that's twice what I am getting now!" Trying not to look too foolish I said. "Very good Kelly, but what would I be doing?"
"Everything except the warehouse, some bookkeeping, not much though, just signing off on delivery and dispatch. A lot of phoning around, chasing suppliers and the like. Initially however I am just moving into UK sourcing of indigenous ingredients. I think 'Nurtured in England' will become quite a brand mark and that's where your conservation background will help. You will find me suppliers." She grinned. "I hope! We provide a staff uniform, which even I wear, if we have guests. Otherwise it's smart casual. I'll fix you up on Monday if you are interested in the position?"
"Yes Kelly I would love to take the job thanks!" I replied knowing that my marriage was back on course.
"Well that's settled then!" Formally she thrust out her hand and we shook on it. Starting Monday I was her 'girl Friday'.
Her eyes lit up and she giggled girlishly. "And? Are you a tart in the bedroom Ree? I'll bet you look fantastic if you do!"
"Sometimes." I laughed and stood indicating the door. "Shall we?"
Kelly and Bob finally departed at just after midnight, I was quite woozy from all the wine I had drank. Not drunk, just mellow. The moment the door closed Lynn pulled me into a massive hug kissing and talking at the same time. Kiss. "I told, kiss, you so, kiss that she would love you and she did! You should have heard her when I first suggested she have a look at you. Talk about pooh, poohing an idea. Did she tell you that her office is all girls?"
"Yes." I managed to butt in. "So how did you know that we would get on?"
"Perhaps I'll show you later..." She teased. "But with all those women around you? I'll have to keep my eye on you!" She laughed. "Sod the house cleaning. Lets go to bed."
As we undressed I recalled Kellys comment from the kitchen and said laughing. "Kelly asked if I was a tart in the bedroom! You cow!"
Lynn laughed and asked naughtily. "And you said?"
"Sometimes." I laughed standing naked in front of her.
"Wanna be my tart now?" She held up her basque from the previous evening.
I laughed again, "She also thought I would look fantastic."
Lynn looked at me with a predatory smile and crooked her finger. "Come here then tart and let Lynn fix you up."
Carried along by the moment I did exactly what she wanted. I felt very strange and excited once she had clipped me into the sensually restrictive garment.
I could hear the lust in her voice when she whispered. "Stockings and the rest?"
Silently not really believing that I was actively helping my wife dress me up as a tart I nodded.
The look on her face was like something out of a porn magazine! The stockings felt awesome on my legs, echoing the restriction of the basque, as they pulled on the suspender straps that attached them. The tiny g-string knickers did nothing to hide the evidence of my excitement. Not that they stood a chance anyway because Lynn put the knickers on me in a very unusual way, using the two hands and one mouth technique! It felt amazing! Sliding her strappy shoes on to my feet she fastened the tiny buckle at the ankle. Standing naked and proud she helped me on to my feet before walking to the dressing table and patting the chair enticingly.
Unsteady in the strappy high-heels which offered no support to my ankles at all it took me a moment to figure out my balance before I tottered over to the dressing table and sat. Lynn smiled and kissed me deeply, swinging her body on to my lap and sitting. I felt my as if my whole body was being sucked in to her as she slid down on to me.
"You're going to look so pretty Ree." She giggled kissing me again. Kissing and squeezing as she worked she had soon done my face in a similar way to the way she had done hers last night. My eyelids and lashes felt heavy with shadow, mascara and liner, my lips seemed huge and my face felt as if it was being brushed with feathers. Ever so slowly she lifted off me and in a sudden movement she leapt away! In a trice she hopped on to the bed and crooked a silver tipped finger at me..
The shock when I saw my reflection was even worse than the night before. Then I had looked slightly feminine, this time there was no doubting it. I looked like a high-class hooker! The stiff full cups and the shape the basque gave my body a feminine appearance. My legs made long by the stockings and heels matched my body, on top of which was my whorishly made up face and girlish hairstyle. If I could had passed myself in the bedroom I would not have recognised me! The only real give away was my fully erect and very ready penis jutting out of the tiny g-string!
Lynn laughed at my expression. "That's why I knew Kelly would like you! Come here pretty", she cooed, "I want to see my tart swing her hips and shaking her bum for me!"
The tone in her voice sent sparklers of lust through me as I got on to my heels. Trying to do as she wanted I took tiny steps and placed my feet carefully.
"Oh baby yes, that's the one." She encouraged. Eventually now laughing uproariously I made it to the bed and ended up being willingly ravished by my wonderful wife.