A Spy Can Be In Love

A SPY CAN BE IN LOVE by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on March 4, 1992 translated by the author English text kindly revised by Will Hawkins

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"A SPY CAN BE IN LOVE" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

CHAPTER 8 - A Difficult Confession

It had been two months since Yuri and Roger began meeting. Once in a while Ivan gave Yuri some suggestions about to reach the subject and the attitude to assume and he also congratulated him about how skilfully he was playing the enamoured man...

Yuri was secretly worried, because he was aware that he was really falling in love with the beautiful Canadian, and not just the other way around.

He felt the temptation to tell Ivan or Aleksandr what he was feeling toward Roger, but he was afraid if he did, they would order him to stop meeting him and would assign Roger to another NOD agent. Just the thought he could lose Roger made Yuri feel ill. So he said nothing, justifying his silence with the fact that he was carrying out his duty anyway. Thanks to his work, in fact, the KGB managed to discover some secret contacts Roger had with members of the CPSU and were also on the track of a CIA branch operating in Moscow.

Yuri was feeling more and more tense. Only when he was with Roger could he, even if not always and not totally, feel good. He kept asking himself if he really did love Roger. Evidently not or else he would not betray him as he was doing. But not betraying the handsome Canadian would mean betraying his cause, his homeland...

Yuri was feeling more and more confused and was spending a huge amount of his energy just to conceal his troubles from his companions, from his superiors but above all from Roger.

After four months while they were meeting one evening at a restaurant, Roger said, "Yuri, I was thinking about something... Why don't you find a small apartment all by yourself? So we wouldn't have any more problems being together. You can give me a spare key and so I can come any time I am free without needing to make our schedules fit. What do you think?"

"I don't know... I wouldn't be able to pay rent all by myself..."

"I would pay for it. I will give you the money you need."

"No, you would make me feel uncomfortable... I would feel as if... if you were paying me for... No, really, no."

"Yuri, you offend me. How can you think that I... I am... I am in love with you; I'm sure at this point. I thought that you too..."

"I am in love with you too, Roger."

"So, then? Between lovers there should not be money problems, should there? I can pay the rent for you; it would not be a sacrifice for me. Please, Yuri, consider this option. Just think how much freer we could be..."

"Roger... one day you will leave to go back to Canada. How much in love can we be then all is doomed to end between us. An apartment just for us... it would be nice, I don't deny it, but..."

"Just think about it, Yuri. Moreover what we have not talked about is that we can't..." but Roger became silent and poured himself a drink.

"That we can't... what?"

"Nothing. Just a thought, we will talk about it sometime. Before that you have to think about my proposal about an apartment, and then give me your answer."

Yuri thought that the people at the listening centre, who were following their conversation thanks to the bug sewn into the lapel of his jacket, would be able to tell him what he had to do, how he should answer Roger. They could possibly prepare a small but equipped apartment for him... After all he would like having a place all for himself. He was getting along well with Nikita and Stanislav, but then he could meet Roger much more often; he would like that very much... He hoped that his superiors would accept Roger's idea.

To his surprise, and secret joy, Aleksandr told him that the NOD consented. He told him also that the new apartment, away from the others, would have just hidden bugs but no cameras - at that point they didn't need them any more, as they already had enough tapes of their sexual activities. This also pleased Yuri.

So the boy told Roger he would accept his proposal and that he was already looking for a mini-apartment hoping to find one not too far from the University. When the KGB had it ready, Yuri informed his Canadian target that he had found one. So, seven months after they first met, Yuri moved to his new place. As a consequence their relationship greatly improved.

Spring was already coming and from a window of his new home Yuri was looking at the first buds to appear on the tree branches, when he heard the key turn at the entrance.

"Roger! How good seeing you so soon... Each time is almost a surprise, a beautiful surprise."

"I can stay only for half an hour, I was passing nearby. Listen, how would you feel about coming to a restaurant with me tonight? Today is my birthday and I would like to celebrate with you."

"Oh yes, willingly. But after supper you're coming here, aren't you?"

"Of course, my love. Would you make me a cup of coffee, please?"

"Yes, at once. Where are you going now?"

"I have a meeting at the Ukraninia Hotel, and then I've to go to the airport. I will pick you up around eight tonight, or possibly even a little earlier. Dress up a little for me, please."

They spent an agreeable evening together, then went home and made love.

When Roger was dressing to leave, Yuri told him, "It's a pity you can't stay tonight. I love falling asleep in your arms, you know, my love."

"Saturday I will stay. My god, how beautiful you are, Yuri... I would never leave you. Do you know that the more I get to know you, the more I love you?"

"I love the way you look at me..."

"How do I look at you?"

"With tenderness, with love, with desire. It's a great feeling to be desired. I'll feel lonely, now when you go."

"I know, my love, and I am sorry having to leave you, really sorry."

"If I were a woman you could marry me... Would you?"

"If you were a woman, I would not even look at you. I like you because you are a beautiful young man, Yuri, as you are aware, and not even a little effeminate. But if it were possible, I would certainly marry you. I would like to spend my whole life with you... to never leave you... but unhappily I have to go now."

"You will come next Saturday and Sunday, promise me?"

"Of course, my love."

When Roger left, Yuri turned face down on his bed and silently cried. He really was in love with Roger, but life would separate them. Why had he met such a wonderful person? So exceptional, so unique... and he was not allowed to love him without problems? Why was Roger not like the others, just a target to hit, with whom eventually also to enjoy himself, but to cheat on and forget?

In the following days Yuri was more and more anxious. His double-cross was becoming a greater and greater burden. He couldn't stand any more telling Roger, "I love you", and being sincere uttering these words, meanwhile acting as the means the KGB used to spy on his man?

It was a long and tormenting crisis that unfortunately he was less and less able to hide both from Roger and from his superiors. With the KGB he managed it a little better, but he could feel that the crisis was growing and that sooner or later the dam would burst... and what would the consequences be?

They celebrated the first anniversary of their meeting. More months elapsed and summer was approaching. Yuri got his University degree and Roger gave him a beautiful watch as a present. Then, one weekend, Roger took him to the lake at Dubna, where they had made love for the first time. Yuri was feeling tense, conscious of the bug skilfully hidden in his belt.

Roger suggested him, "How about going for a swim?"

Yuri was about to say no, when in him occurred suddenly a kind of catharsis, a real and total revolution. And he made a decision.

"Sure, that's a wonderful idea. Let's undress."

Yuri thought that he could leave his belt on the shore, with their clothes, and that once they were in the water where they would not be overheard he could talk to Roger without the listening centre people hearing them... he could possibly...

They dived in and Yuri, just to be safe, swam along parallel to the shore, going a ways from their clothing with Roger following him. When Yuri was sure they were far enough, he stopped at a point where they could stand in the water and waited. Roger came to him, smiling, and touched him intimately, under the water. He then became aware of his companion's serious, tense expression.

"What's up, Yuri? Does it bother you, me touching you so?" he asked, slightly surprised.

"No, Roger... but I need to talk to you."

"Now, here? What's up? My god, your expression frightens me..."

"What I have to tell you is not easy, but... I have to tell you."

"Yuri... are you by any chance... tired of me?" Roger asked with alarm.

"No, oh no. But after what I'm going to say... probably it will be you who have to leave me. Who would want to leave me."

"I? I don't want to leave you!"

"Anyway... you will have to leave one day..."

"You have said so several times, and I always answered you in a vague way because I wanted to be sure first about myself and then about you. But now I am sure and I have an idea - why don't you emigrate to Canada? I will leave my diplomatic work, several times I was offered good jobs in my homeland... and there we can live together. Wouldn't it be beautiful?"

"It would be a dream... but it's not possible. You will not want to do so after... after what I have to tell you..."

Roger was about to argue but Yuri put two fingers on his lips to silence him and started to tell him everything about the New Dacha Operation. He was fighting hard to pull out the words, to reveal everything to the man he loved, without allowing his emotion to show in his voice. He talked almost in a monotone, without looking into Roger's eyes. He could hear the young man breathing yet Roger didn't interrupt, he let Yuri go on talking, he seemed not to react...

At the end Yuri concluded saying, "That's all, Roger. I couldn't stand all this any more... I don't know how I can justify with my superiors our sudden separation... but I'm ready to pay the consequences."

Roger for some time kept silent, then in a low voice asked, "Why did you tell me all this?"

"Because I am no longer able to carry on this charade, this double-cross. Because... because I lo..." he was about to tell Roger he loved him, but he could not find the courage.

Roger continued his silence, then said, "Let's go on shore and talk about it."

"In the belt of my trousers there is a bug..."

"Then let's go on shore here, we are far enough away so they can't hear us. I want to talk to you... I need to talk to you. Come."

They climbed on the shore and sat on the grass. Roger looked around - there was not a living soul in sight.

"Yuri, would you please answer to some questions?"

"Yes..."

"Yuri, do you love me?"

"What's the use of me saying so?"

"It's important."

"After what I just told you, how could you believe me?"

"It's exactly because of what you said to me that I would believe you more than before. I have to understand, I need to understand. So then, do you love me?"

"I... I do."

"Do you understand that after what you told me you risk losing me?"

"Yes, I know. But I would lose you anyway and I... I couldn't go on causing you harm. I couldn't stand it anymore, so... Several times you asked me what troubled me, mainly in these last few weeks. Each time I invented a pretext, but the real reason is that I was sinking more and more into a crisis state; I was feeling more and more guilty... I liked less and less what I was doing to you. With the others before you not only did I not care, but I was even feeling proud of the job I was doing. Not with you, it was becoming an unsupportable burden. Each time my chiefs congratulated me... it always was like a knife in my gut. I couldn't go on that way. Even though I understand that you will now hate me..."

"Yuri, when I have said that I love you, I have always been sincere, you know that."

"Yes, I know... I know and it's also that..."

"Do you know what loving somebody means?"

"Being honest, sincere... exactly the opposite of how I have behaved with you..."

"But now you have been honest with me."

"It's too late, isn't it?"

"You think so? I love you, Yuri... and possibly, after what you just told me, I love you even more than before."

"More than before?" the boy asked, unbelieving.

Their eyes met for the first time and tears started to blur Yuri's sight, but not enough to prevent him seeing that Roger was smiling gently at him.

"Sure, more than before, because you have given me proof of your love - confessing to me what you have previously avoided."

"You mean that you don't despise me - you don't hate me?"

"No, I just told you, I love you, Yuri."

"How is that possible? How?"

"Yuri, I love you and don't want to lose you."

"Oh, Roger... don't say it... We have to part; now, we can't go on this way... Don't you see?"

"Why? Just before you told me all this, I told you my plan. Come away with me..."

"It's not possible, don't you know? They will never let me go... Moreover it is not fair for you to renounce your career for me, I don't deserve that... We have to part, there is no way out."

"Do you want to leave me?"

"Oh no, I don't! But there is no other way."

"Yuri, do you trust me?"

"Yes..."

"Then just give me time to organize everything. I want to take you away with me. I will find a way, you will see. It can take me some months, but... Will you be able to wait a little?"

"Yes Roger, but how we can meet now, and make love, now that you know that they spy on us? Bugs at home, bugs on me..."

"We will cheat on them. We will go on as if nothing has happened... Once in a while I will let slip out some little piece of information so that your chiefs will not suspect anything. It will be even easier for me now. But I don't want to lose you. If we cease to meet, if they smell a rat, we will not be able to organize your escape... You admitted that you really want run away with me."

"I would do it now, at once, if I could. I love you, Roger."

"I know, you just showed me how much you love me. I love you too and don't want to lose you. Let me try, my love, and you will see that we will succeed."

"I... I trust you, Roger. I totally put myself in your hands. I will do anything you ask of me..."

"Very good, my love. Now, let's go back to where we left our clothes... and let's make them hear that everything is all right. Can you do that, love?"

"Sure. God, how I love you, Roger! I was certain you would hate me for what I have done to you..."

They swam back, went up on the shore and sat near their clothes. Both looked instinctively towards Yuri trousers.

Roger gave him a wink and with a normal voice said, "Ha, that was a wonderful swim we had! But now, come here, Yuri... I want to make love to you..."

"Here? Now? But if what if somebody comes..."

"There isn't anybody here. And I want you badly... come... If somebody comes, we can see them from here... I like the idea of making love to you out here, under the sun, out in nature. Come..."

They embraced lying on the grass and made love, forgetting everything and everyone, and forgetting, too, the hidden bug that was sending their passionate moans to the listening centre. They had just finished when they saw a car coming. They had just time to slip on their swimsuits. The car stopped on the road, close to the spot where they were sitting, and two policemen got out and came towards them.

Roger, smiling whispered to his lover, "Just in time. Let me talk to them, I've got a diplomatic passport, they will leave us in peace."

The two policemen checked their papers, asked some routine question then left.

"Don't you see? It's useful being a member of a diplomatic staff."

"Happily they didn't catch us making love, or else... Just think in what mess we would have been!"

"You are right, Yuri, but I really enjoyed doing it here, as we did. It has been more exciting than usual, hasn't it? We should come here again, as long as the weather is fine. Did you see that we are safe anyway - if somebody comes, we have time to tidy ourselves up."

"I had the impression that one of the two policemen looked at us in a special way... He can possibly have had some suspicion..."

"Or he perhaps he liked us and would have liked the possibility of doing something with us..."

"Well, I didn't think at that possibility. Would you have liked a threesome?"

"No, I prefer doing it with you only."

"By the way, I forgot to tell you something - do you know that I've found a job?"

"Good! Is it in your field of studies?"

"Oh yes. I have a job at the Russian Agriculture Ministry. I will start tomorrow morning. I have to work from eight in the morning to four in the afternoon. At the beginning I presume I would have to do office work, routine work. But I hope it can be the start of a good career, as time goes on, applying what I learned at the University."

They talked some more, then dressed and went back to Roger's car. He started the engine, then took a piece of paper and wrote on it - "Ask me what I am doing tomorrow." - and showed it to Yuri while he started to drive. The boy nodded and asked him that question.

"Tomorrow morning I have to meet a colleague at the American Embassy, and then I will come at your place. If you are not there, I will wait for you. So you will have to tell me about your first day at work."

They went on in that fashion. At times they wrote notes to tell each other what they didn't want those who listened to hear.

So started a weird but beautiful interval. Weird because they had to carefully weigh each word they said, and communicate through the notes or with other subterfuges. But beautiful, especially for Yuri, as he finally didn't have to lie to his beloved Roger any more.

Then Roger worked out a system to be able to talk freely with Yuri, without having the people of the listening centre become suspicious. He recorded a set of tapes with noises like somebody moving around in the apartment, and some short sentences. So at times they switched on the TV, started the tape player and then shut themselves in the bathroom, which was bug free, so they could talk safely for a few minutes.

Once in a while Roger let "slip out" some information that would not do any harm, but enough to keep the KGB men interested. The counter-check that everything was proceeding well came when once again, Yuri received Jusichev's congratulations on the work he was doing with the Canadian diplomat.

Meanwhile Roger was working on his project to get Yuri out of the Soviet Union. He could not fully use the cooperation of the Canadian or American Secret Service, as he could not justify his interest in Yuri, but thanks to some personal contacts he had and some friends who owed him favours, he managed to get some help. So he had some fake documents prepared for Yuri, describing him as Finnish.

Withdrawing to the bathroom so as not to be overheard, he told him, "Almost everything is ready, Yuri. In eight days I will go back to Canada for service reasons. Officially, I will be gone for fifteen days. You have to make use of my absence to ask for a vacation or something like that. You can tell them you want to go back to your village, or somewhere. But you have to get to Estonia. In Tartu you have to call this number and ask for Monika. She will come to fetch you at the railway station and will take you to the port of Paldiski. There you will board a fishing boat that will take you to Hangš, in Finland. Once you get there, call this other number and ask for Avril, who will give you the forged papers I prepared, and an airline ticket for Stockholm. In Stockholm you will take a taxi and go to the Aland Hotel, where you will ask for room 23, and meet me."

"You will be there?"

"Yes, but as I don't know how long it will take for you to get there, I will come by to check every couple of days until we meet. Then we will travel together. I will take you to a safe place, until I have settled all my business and can finally come and take you away with me to Canada. Is everything clear? Is it alright?"

"Yes, Roger. But... if there is a hitch?"

"I really hope there isn't. The two telephone numbers I gave you could be of use, in that case, to communicate with me. Don't write them down, memorize them. When you leave, take with you as little as possible. Tell nobody, not even to your closest friend, about this getaway or about us."

"Of course. Are you really sure you want to renounce to you career for me, Roger?"

"More than sure. You too are renouncing everything for me... We will start a new life together. I love you, Yuri, and I want to live with you."

"Can I take my savings with me?"

"No more than you would if you really went to your village or on vacation somewhere. I don't have money problems. I will care of all our expenses. They have to suspect absolutely nothing. If you withdraw all your savings they could suspect something, couldn't they?"

"That's right. I'm a little frightened, Roger, but I will do everything you told me. I can tell my superiors I would like to visit Leningrad... I have never been there, so..."

"That's a good idea. This part relies totally on you, as you know your chiefs. Do you think you can get some time off from your work?"

"If my chiefs decide I can have a vacation, the Ministry will give me a leave without any doubt. My work is nothing but a cover-up."

"Good. Now learn by heart these numbers and these names. In eight days our adventure begins."

Yuri was tense and excited but managed to get through those eight days, just before Roger left for Canada, as soon as he got from him the "official" news for the benefit of the KGB people, Yuri went to see Korobilo.

"Listen, Alexander, Roger will be away from Moscow for a couple of weeks. I'm feeling rather tired, I think I could profit from this time to get some rest, to take a little time off. Do you think I might?"

"No problem Yuri. I think you deserve a nice vacation. Would you like to go to the KGB resort on the Caspian Sea? Or do you have something else in mind?"

"Well, I don't really know... I was thinking of visiting Leningrad, as I have never been there. I've enough savings to book a hotel room. I would like to visit the city. What do you think?"

"Alright. Enjoy yourself and come back refreshed. I have noticed lately that you were tired. But try not to have too many adventures, or else you risk coming back even more worn out..." Korobilo told him with a sly smile.

"In Leningrad? I know nobody and would not even know where I could cruise to meet a nice boy..."

"If you would like some small adventure in Leningrad, you can go to the Saigon Bar, on the Nevskij Prospekt. I have been there and there are many available boys in that place. When one is as handsome as you are, you would surely be able to score without any problem."

"You think I could take a boy to my hotel room?"

"I don't think so. Just find a boy who can take you to his home or who has his own place. And amuse yourself."

It seemed that Korobilo had no suspicions. So Yuri got himself organised. He bought a tourists guide of Leningrad with a map of the city. He went to the Intourist office to book the hotel room and to buy a round trip train ticket. He said goodbye to Roger for the benefit of the KGB, making love with him, then he greeted him again meeting him outside his home.

Back home he carried out an exhaustive search to be sure he didn't leave the least trace of his true destination and left a note for Roger on the table - so if the KGB personnel went to his home during his absence, they would suspect nothing. Then he left for Leningrad.

When he got there, he showed up at the Saigon Bar and picked up a boy with whom he spent the night. So at the hotel they would not be concerned, when he left town, not seeing him come back for the night. Four days later, when he thought he had left behind enough traces of his passage for when they would start looking for him, and leaving his luggage in the hotel room, he went to the station and took the train to Pskow. From there he changed trains for Turku. There were no problems.

When he arrived in Turku, he dialled the first number Roger had given him and said he had arrived. Quite soon a blond girl came to fetch him.

"I'm Monika. My car is outside. Come, let's leave immediately. I've already covered our arrival. On the back seat there is some food, if you're hungry."

"Do you know..."

"No names, please. I know nobody, I know nothing, and I'm not interested in anything. I just know I met you at the station and will leave you at the fish cannery. The less you talk, the fewer questions you ask, the better it is."

"Yes, sorry." Yuri murmured, calling himself an idiot.

The girl softened. "We can anyway talk about other things..."

"How long will it take to get there?"

"From here to Paldiski, if we are not stopped and if there are no problems, it will take about three and a half hours."

"And if we are stopped?"

"You are a hitchhiker. We don't know each other. You have to invent a story. But I don't think we will be stopped."

"Can I go on board the boat in full daylight without a problem?"

"Sure, but you will not walk on board. They will upload empty crates to stow the fish they plan to catch. You will be in one of the crates, until you are out at sea and somebody comes to take you out."

"How can I know he is the right person?"

"He will be the same one who put you into the crate."

"Why are you doing all this for me?"

"I told you - no questions. You are to me just... an item to export. Finis. Or rather, for the moment you're just a hitchhiker."

"Yes, sorry. But I'm feeling so... All this is so new for me."

"I can understand that. You do seem rather tense. Do you know that you really are a handsome boy? It's a pity we couldn't meet under different circumstances."

"You are a pretty girl too, but... I'm already engaged."

"And anyway we will have no time. Don't judge me an easy girl, I'm not, but I really like you. Is your girl nice?"

Yuri smiled and thought of his Roger, but said, "I think I could never meet a more beautiful one in all the universe."

"In love, eh?"

"Yes... it has been hard to leave... without saying anything." Yuri lied.

The girl nodded. Then they changed the subject. The journey went on without any problems. As they got to their destination, the girl drove into the courtyard of the cannery. She let him out of the car and led him inside to a warehouse floor amidst piles of empty crates. A fish smell permeated everything.

Monika introduced Yuri to a man with just the words, "Here he is." Then said to Yuri, "Good luck." gave him a light kiss and went away.

CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 9

In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is

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