A SINCERE APOLOGY TO MATT
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Dear Matt,
We were boys in the same junior high school in the early 1970s. Maybe you remember me. I was William but went by the name Will or "Wills" to my closer friends.
You caught my notice in 7th grade because you were not like most other guys. You were kind of stocky, not fat mind you, and were not as tall as many of us. You wore glasses that made you look a little bit like Clark Kent and this kind of gave you a 'nerdy' look.
I should have been your friend. I was kind of a nerdy guy, also. I wasn't fat and I enjoyed playing soccer, although I was furthest from being the team's superstar. Anyway, I spent a great deal of energy in my early teens thinking of ways to avoid being bullied by the more jock type boys in our classes. I had other friends that ranged from nerd to borderline jock. I could be hurt, mentally, and I had one of my better friends betray our friendship when he suddenly decided he wanted to hang out with a 'cooler' crowd. He teased me in front of those other boys just to show them how 'cool' he was. Needless to say, I went home and grieved for our friendship as if he had passed away. I still harbor a dislike of him because of this.
I know you had similar things happen to you, also. I saw it.
Here's where it gets tough and bears heavy on me. I should have comforted you in your time of distress. I should have thrown caution to the wind and literally given you a hug when you were at your lowest point.
Alas, I didn't. I was too concerned with my own problems fitting in with the social pressures of our junior high school, located in a suburb, east of Seattle. You see, I had budding homosexual feelings in a time where most boys going through puberty were extremely homophobic. So I let you suffer when I really wanted to comfort you.
Just a year earlier, I had lost my best friend due when a family move separated us. I can tell you now that having him as a close friend allowed us to share our innermost thoughts and, then, our bodies. We were boys that knew nothing about any one sexuality. We just knew we enjoyed seeing each other naked and playing with each other's penises. Mostly doctor type stuff but we made up games that would arouse us sexually and we spent many an afternoon in a tree fort in the neighborhood woods playing around this way.
It occurs to me after all these years that you may have had some budding sexual feelings towards other boys, also.
How do I know this?
Well, in the locker room showers after gym class, you became aroused and sported the start of an erection. As a boy who often violated the 'boy code' which states "boys shall not stare at other boys' penises," I always noticed your development into manhood was somewhat ahead of the rest of us. Your penis was thicker, even when flaccid and looked very 'adult' and I loved to look at it. Very carefully, of course, because; remember the 'boy code.'
That September day in the showers where you sported your wood was a tough one for you. Many of the other boys teased you about it. I mean, they didn't do it in a good natured way, but they were truly mean by calling you names, like 'fag.' etc. It was only after the gym teacher saw what was going on, from his office which had a window overlooking the showers, that the teasing came to a stop when he admonished us to "knock it off" and get dressed.
What happened to you that day was one of my biggest fears about showering with other boys: That I, too, would become aroused and teased about it. And for good reason; I was attracted to good looking boys and that included their cute penises, also.
Here is another opportunity for me to befriend you when we both could have used a good friend.
I don't remember exactly what happened to you because I don't see you in my high school yearbooks when I look at them now. You probably moved away with your family.
About ten years pass after we were in junior high together and I read that you found it necessary to put an end to your own life, sometime in the early '80s. The newspapers would never say why. Maybe you couldn't put up with the constant bullying guys like us experience. Maybe you were gay or maybe you weren't; but at the time, I never knew for sure. I'll never know.
You took your own life probably after years of bullying, mental anguish, and the stress of trying to figure out your own true sexuality. I only wish I could have made that journey with you. Things might have been much different and better for both of us.
So Matt, please know that I love you now and I loved the boy/young man you were. You are always in my thoughts. Hopefully others read this and find the strength to reach out to somebody who could really use a friendship like you may have needed. Your life has meaning if it saves another guy from taking his own life.
I am truly sorry I never had the guts to approach you as I should have, my friend. Please forgive me for my flaws and weaknesses.
Sincerely,
Will S.
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