AN IMPROBABLE LOVE
Chapter Seven
Some time later, Neil said, "I wish I could stay but it's probably better for me to leave before your parents get home. I was just supposed to drop off a tape, remember?"
"I don't want you to go, Neil."
"And I don't want to go. But we'll see each other again. Soon."
TJ sadly hugged and kissed his lover and the two boys got out of bed and dressed. TJ then had a thought. "Neil. Remember what I said about hiding in plain sight? Suppose you stayed until my parents got home. We could be playing a video game or something innocent. Wouldn't that tell them that we've become good friends? Wouldn't that explain why we want to see each other more?"
"Good thinking, TJ. Of course we'll have to be on our good behavior as soon as they get home. That means -- and I saying this to myself as much as to you -- no touching, not even any adoring looks at each other. >From what you have said about your father, he might notice and begin to suspect things."
"You're right. I guess that means no kiss goodbye at the door when you leave."
"I'm afraid so. We can't afford another incident like Isabel seeing us."
"Well, let me kiss you goodbye right now," TJ said as he hugged Neil and gave him a long kiss.
The boys agreed that it would be more acceptable if they were downstairs when TJ's parents came home. They settled themselves at the kitchen table and were eating some of Isabel's superb apple pie when they heard the garage door open and a car pull in. Mr. and Mrs. Ryerson came into the kitchen from the garage, were surprised to see that Neil was still there, but greeted him warmly. "I'm glad to see you again, Neil. How did he music appreciation session go?"
TJ panicked when he realized they had not listened to Neil's tape but Neil was quick on the draw. "Not well, Mrs. Ryerson. Somehow the tape in the cassette got broken so we couldn't play it. I suppose I'll have to bring a different tape another time." Turning to TJ, he continued, "That is, if you're still interested in hearing it."
TJ grinned at the way Neil had engineered another meeting and said, "Of course. And I still want to come to one of your concerts or recitals as well."
"I'm flattered, TJ," Neil said. I'll invite you the next time. But now, I think I'd better be leaving. I'm afraid I've worn out my welcome."
"Not at all, dear," Mrs. Ryerson said. "We'd love to have you visit anytime.
TJ walked Neil to the front door. He glanced back over his shoulder to see whether his parents could see them. "Don't even think about it," Neil whispered. "Save it for next time." Then in a voice loud enough to be overheard but not so loud as to be obvious, he said, "I had a great time tonight, TJ. It was a pleasure to get out of my dorm room and away from campus for a while."
"I enjoyed it, too," replied TJ. "Drop by anytime."
Sadly, reluctantly, but necessarily, Neil left. TJ started for his room.
"You two had a good time?" TJ's mother called out to him as he walked toward the stairway.
"Yes," TJ answered but couldn't say just how enjoyable it was nor could he think of anything else to say. "I think I'll go upstairs and finish a reading assignment for class tomorrow."
"He's such a nice boy," his mother said. "I'm glad you two get along so well."
TJ held back a chuckle over the irony of his mother's comment. As he reached the top of the stairs, he thought, 'Yes! She likes him and will welcome him back. Hiding in plain sight just may work out quite well.'
By 10:00 he was in bed, the same bed he had shared with Neil, the bed where they may get together again. The memory of their love-making -- yes, it was love-making, not sex -- put him in a state of euphoria. He could hardly believe his good fortune. But it had happened. He had met the boy of his dreams. They made love. Neil hadn't explicitly said he loved him but he had made it clear that he wanted to see him again. That was far more than he had initially dared to hope for. Life was good.
The question of Isabel seeing them kiss was still to be answered and resolved, however. He would worry about that tomorrow. He fell asleep a very happy boy.
When he came home from school the next day, Isabel was just pulling into her parking spot next to the garage. "Hi, Isabel," he called out cheerfully.
"I'm glad you're here," she replied. "Can you help me carry in the groceries?"
"Sure thing," he said and promptly went over to help.
Once all the groceries were in the kitchen, Isabel said, "TJ, as soon as you put your backpack away and change, I'd like to talk to you." She had a serious expression.
TJ was sure now that Isabel had seen he and Neil the night before and what she wanted to talk about. His quick change in expression from cheerful to serious let Isabel know that he knew what she wanted to talk about. TJ went upstairs, punishing himself for not preparing adequately for the conversation. He quickly ran through several possible scenarios in his mind. He took his time changing into more comfortable clothes to gain more time to think. Finally, unable to delay it any longer, he went back downstairs and into the kitchen where Isabel was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for him.
"So, what's up, Isabel," he said, managing to conceal his anxiety.
"Sit down, TJ," Isabel said in a tone that could only be described as a gentle command. TJ sat. Isabel looked at him for just a moment but it felt like an eternity to TJ. Finally, she said, "TJ, I've always been honest with you. And you've been honest with me -- except when you were very little and thought you could get away with white lies. So I'm going to be honest with you now and I expect you to be honest with me. Will you do that?"
"Of course. I learned a long time ago that I can't lie to you. You seem to have a sixth sense."
"Good. I came downstairs last night to get a cup of tea. You and Neil were in the family room and obviously didn't hear me come down the stairs. I saw you as I passed by the family room. I must say, I was surprised to see you kissing each other. I took my tea back upstairs. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I saw and what I should do about it." She paused to gauge TJ's reaction to what she had said.
TJ was accustomed to fending off his father's subtle interrogations but he could never do that with Isabel. He never felt the need to nor wanted to. His inability to read Isabel's expression and forecast what she would say added to his anxiety. Still, he knew he had to face the situation head-on. "We heard you go back upstairs and we assumed that you had seen us. So what did you decide to do? Are you going to tell my parents?"
"I said I thought about what to do. I haven't decided yet what to do. What I did decide is that I should ask you some questions to help me decide. That's why I asked you to be honest with me. Are you still willing to be honest?"
"Yes."
"Fine. The first obvious question is, why were you and Neil kissing each other?"
"Because we love each other. At least I love him and I'm pretty sure he loves me."
"You love each other when you've only just met?" Isabel asked incredulously.
"I know it's improbable. I know that love normally develops over a long time. But the improbable happened, Isabel. We admired each other when we first met and everything just seemed to click between us."
Isabel considered TJ's answer. She neither saw nor heard any signs of deception so she continued. "Here's a tough question, TJ. You say you love another boy and he loves you. Are you gay? Is he gay?"
Normally, TJ's practiced defenses would have triggered an immediate denial. But this was Isabel, his beloved Isabel asking. Moreover, he had previously decided that, if it became necessary, he would come out to her. So he replied without hesitation, "Yes. I'm gay. I've known it for years. I've hidden it from everybody because ... well, you know why. And Neil is gay."
Isabel looked at TJ expressionlessly. TJ expected a frown of disapproval or, less likely, a smile of support. The lack of any reaction was unnerving. He didn't know what to expect next.
"Thank you for your honesty, TJ. I realize it took courage to tell me that. You know, of course, what it will do to your parents if they find out."
"Yes. They've both made it very clear that they disapprove of homosexual behavior. Mother will be upset because I'm a sinner. And my father ... well, he will either refuse to talk to me ever again or will throw me out of the house when I'm 18. Or both. I know they will be hurt but I can't deny who I am. At some point, I know they will find out. If you don't tell them now, then I will tell them later. I don't want to hurt them but I can't live a lie forever."
Isabel got up and fixed herself a cup of tea. It was clear that she wanted time to think so TJ sat silently waiting for her to return to the table. He had no idea what Isabel would decide to do -- lecture him, tell his parents, ask more questions, sympathize with him, or some other unexpected response.
Finally, she sat down and spoke. "I think you know that I don't believe homosexuality is a sin or a sickness. I don't condemn you for being gay. Gay is unusual but it's not abnormal." TJ welcomed those words. "But I have a problem. I have a responsibility to your parents to watch out for you. They strongly disapprove of homosexuality and would expect me to put a stop to it. I also have a responsibility to you. That means ensuring that you mature into a successful, happy adult. Since you're gay, that means being happy as a gay man. You see my problem. I can't meet my responsibility to your parents and you at the same time." TJ now felt guilty for putting Isabel in a conflict situation and he worried. Would she be loyal to her employers or to the boy she regarded almost as a son?
"I think I have a compromise, TJ. But I need your cooperation. You must make a promise to me and keep the promise."
"You know I will, Isabel."
"I will forget that I saw you and Neil kissing but I never want to see or hear anything else that you two do together. Don't talk to me about it. Don't let me accidentally find you in a compromising situation. Whenever I'm around, you two can act like good friends. But whatever should be done in private must be done in private. That, by the way, includes kissing, holding hands, and any expression of affection. Absolutely no exceptions ... ever!"
"Deniability," TJ said.
"What?"
"You can't be blamed for not knowing something happened. It's a common principle in politics. People at lower levels in an organization go out of their way not to tell the boss of the dirty little tricks they play. That way, the boss is protected. In this case, what you don't know can't hurt you."
"I suppose that's right," Isabel said. "But I need to hear you promise. Will you keep me ignorant of what you two do?"
"I promise. And can't thank you enough for understanding. I've always loved you but I love you even more now." TJ stood, bent over, and kissed Isabel on the cheek.
"Oh my," Isabel laughed. "If you weren't so young ... and gay ... I would want you for a boyfriend."
TJ joined in the laughter and said, "You'll always be my favorite girlfriend." Then he forced a concerned look and said, "Can gay boys have a girlfriend?"
"Sit down, TJ. We're not finished. You've promised me that you will be discrete. Promising is easy. Keeping the promise is going to be difficult. You must never let your guard down. And one thing more. If you tell me that you and Neil are going up to your room, you can be sure that I will stay away. If I say I'm going somewhere or will be busy somewhere in the house, I'll let you know how long I'll be gone or busy. I must never know what you boys are doing in private."
"You're wonderful, Isabel. Did I say I love you?"
"And I love you, TJ. That's why I'm doing this. Now go on. Get out of here. Go make a phone call or something."
Isabel got up and finished putting the groceries away. TJ went upstairs to call Neil and tell him the good news.