A ROCKY ROAD
CHAPTER TEN
While Neil braced himself for an especially heavy load of classes in college, TJ had begun his senior year in high school. Within two weeks of school starting, TJ encountered several expected and unexpected situations.
The swim coach was unfriendly when interacting with the team members and particularly harsh when speaking to TJ. He no longer gave pleasant greetings; he stopped joking with the swimmers; he gave more criticism and less praise for their performance. The team, however, stood solidly by TJ and refused to let the coach's callous demeanor affect either their camaraderie or their effort. They did, however, jokingly tease and make suggestive remarks to TJ, sometimes with evocative gestures, especially in the locker room and shower. Initially, TJ was amused by the good-natured jokes but became afraid that the coach would use them as fodder for his hatred of gays and justification for ejecting TJ from the team once more. So, one day after school when the team was assembled before a practice waiting for the coach, he said, "Guys, I appreciate what you've done for me but let's not screw things up. I know your joking around is in good fun and I don't mind it. But the coach might see it differently. He may claim your comments and jokes are evidence that I'm corrupting your morals. So please, let's not take that chance."
"You mean we can't brag about having a token fag on the team?" came a voice from across the room.
TJ laughed along with everyone else but said, "All you want to ... but let's be damn sure the coach doesn't hear it."
Richie added, "TJ's right. Let's all be careful, guys."
Problem solved.
Another development was that word quickly spread beyond the swim team. TJ never found out who had leaked the information but had half-expected it to happen. He also expected that some of his friends would now ignore him or even turn against him but, as Ramon had predicted, it was a surprise to find out who among his friends were tolerant and who would ostracize him. There were a few--but only a few-- insults hurled at him. They hurt but TJ managed to brush them off as the ranting of ignorant bigots. He was disappointed to lose a few good friends but tried to accept it as the unfortunate consequence of a decision he did not regret.
"On the bright side," TJ told Neil one evening on the phone, "I'm not pestered with giggling girls angling for a date. What's more, I no longer feel obligated to date girls just to conceal what I am."
The most unexpected surprise, however, was that three boys, two seniors and a junior, approached him privately and nervously to confide that they, too, were gay. They admired his courage, pleaded with him to keep their secret, and almost desperately asked for advice on what to do. Tony, the first of these, even hinted that he wanted to have sex with TJ. That notion was scuttled when TJ revealed that he was in a committed relationship with a boyfriend. TJ, who was still struggling with the turmoil of coming out, felt inadequate to the task of helping any of the three but tried to give words of encouragement and warning. He was left wondering how many others at school were closet gays but didn't have the courage to seek his advice.
At home, TJ's situation improved only slightly. His mother seemed especially attentive and supportive since learning her son's secret. His father, however, remained sullen and aloof around his son.
TJ now spent weekends with Neil on campus to honor his father's rule against sex in the house. By tacit agreement, neither his parents nor Isabel mentioned sexual intimacy between the two teens but, of course, they all knew it was happening. Isabel, of course, had known all along and, in fact, was pleased that TJ was happy. TJ's mother was displeased that her son was gay and no doubt engaging in homosexual acts but her displeasure was tempered with the knowledge that Neil was an otherwise good influence on her son. TJ's father, however, only to keep a semblance of peace in the family, constantly fought to contain his feelings of disgust and anger.
Although TJ often told his father that he loved him, the man no longer expressed his affection. TJ was saddened that his father didn't speak to him except when necessary but, he reminded himself, that was easier to bear than constant criticism and arguments. The chilly relationship continued for two months until one Sunday evening when TJ returned from visiting Neil.
As TJ walked past his father's study, the man barked, "TJ! Come in here!"
TJ, recognized the anger in his father's voice and tried to prepare himself for the worst.
Sternly, his father launched into a tirade. "It seems that your degenerate behavior has become common knowledge. All three of my golfing partners have heard the news. They were gracious, of course, and offered me their sympathy but you can't imagine the shame I feel because my son is a homosexual. Lord knows what they're saying behind my back. I've tried to be civil toward you but my patience has run out. You disappointed me. I could live with that. But now you've become an embarrassment. You're ruining my reputation at church and at the Club. I'm forced to put an end to your evil behavior before you do any more damage."
TJ's heart sank. This was the worst-case scenario that he and Neil had talked about but hoped would not happen. Before he could object and try to change his father's mind, the man continued his tirade. "One. You are not to be alone with Neil. He's still welcome in the house but if and when he's here, your mother, Isabel, or I must be in the room with you. Two. You are to get treatment from a psychiatrist. I'm convinced that your claim of homosexuality is merely a mental aberration that can be cured with professional help."
TJ's shock and disappointment morphed quickly into anger and he shouted, "You're wrong, Dad! Love is not a mental sickness! And neither is one man loving another! You think that sending me to a shrink will change what I am. It won't. I'm gay! I love Neil! You're only trying to protect your precious reputation but..."
His father cut him off and loudly replied, "That's enough, young man! You will NOT see Neil alone! You WILL see a psychiatrist! It's not negotiable!"
TJ realized that arguing with his father would not change his mind. He walked to the door.
"Come back here," his father commanded. "I'm not finished."
Ignoring his father's demand, TJ went to his room, slammed the door, fell into bed, and cried.
Isabel in the kitchen and TJ's mother in the living room heard the loud outburst that ended the confrontation. Isabel stopped working for a moment but knew she could do nothing ... at the moment. But she was determined to intercede if at all possible. Mrs. Ryerson stormed into her husband's study and closed the door.
"I heard the shouting. What's going on?"
"I'm making sure a problem doesn't get any worse," her husband said defiantly. "I told TJ that he was not to be with Neil alone and that he was to see a psychiatrist. We have to get this notion of being homosexual out of his head."
The woman stared at her husband in disbelief before saying, "I warned you, Tom! You've just alienated your son. And, for that matter, me! Why can't you face reality? He's gay. He's in love with Neil. There's nothing...nothing...that you or I or any psychiatrist can do about it. We may not like it but we'll have to get used to it. You promised you would. What changed your mind?"
"I was humiliated on the golf course today. It seems the word has gotten out. I don't know how but I don't need or want people sympathizing with me or condemning me behind my back."
"So it's all about you, is it?" she replied. "What about your son's happiness? Shouldn't you consider that? I think you should go to him right now and apologize...before his disappointment turns to hatred for you."
"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" the man snapped angrily.
"I haven't for more than thirty years. I've tolerated your self-appointed role as lord and master of the house. But dammit, I won't stand by and have you hurt my child! You claim to cherish family values yet you're willing to destroy your own family out of selfish and self-righteous pride. Either you change your mind and apologize to him or you will permanently damage your relationship with TJ. AND WITH ME!"
"That sounds like a threat," Mr. Ryerson said.
"I suppose it is. But it's not an idle threat. I will move into the guest room. I will not go with you to any more social or political functions. I will speak to you only when absolutely necessary. If anyone asks me why, I'll tell them the reason. What will that do to your reputation? I said before that I couldn't live with a man who would be so cruel to his son and I meant it."
"Don't you see the irony in that?" he asked. "You will be punishing me! It's TJ who's guilty of deviant behavior."
"There's a huge difference. You're punishing TJ for what he IS...and for selfish reasons. I would be punishing you for what you've DONE. You're hurting the son I love. And a son you should love. Think about it, Tom. And make the right decision for TJ and the family."
The irate woman then turned and walked out of the room, leaving her husband to ponder his two very unpleasant options. He could stand by his decision and tear the family apart or he could relent at considerable cost to his ego.
Meanwhile, Isabel had gone to TJ's room where she found him on his bed crying. After considerable coaxing, TJ told his `second mother' what his father said. She was appalled but still, given her status as an employee of the household, at a loss as to what she might do to help TJ. All she could do at the moment was to hug the distraught young man and try to comfort him, which did little good to diminish his grief and anger. When TJ had settled down, she suggested, "Call Neil. He needs to know what happened. Perhaps the two of you can think of some solution to the problem."
TJ decided to wait, to give his lover time to drive to campus, before calling. While he waited, his frustration and anger grew. Impulsively, he went downstairs to confront his father. He walked into his father's study without knocking first, which, in the past, had not been allowed and now symbolized the rebellious message he was to deliver.
With a forceful conviction he had never had the courage to use when addressing his father before, he said, "Dad, I have told you many times that I love you. Right now, I'm not sure. But I am sure of this: I'm gay. I love Neil. I'm going to continue to see him. The only way you can stop me is to handcuff me and keep me a prisoner in the house. I don't want to defy you but if I must then I will. You can drag me to a psychiatrist but I won't talk to him. I don't need to be cured! I'm not sick! I am who I am. I'm sorry you don't approve but I will not stop seeing Neil and I refuse to talk to a psychiatrist."
TJ turned and walked toward the door. Ignoring his father's command to stay, he went back upstairs to his room. He checked his watch; Neil would not yet be back on campus so it was too soon to call him.
Over the next several minutes, he began to worry that his confrontation with his father might only make the situation worse for him. He also worried that Neil would not approve of his rebellion against his father's demands. Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn't his father accept his homosexuality? Why wouldn't he believe that it was uncommon but not unnatural? Why did he have to be such a bigot?
He checked his watch again. It was still too soon to call Neil. He would have to wait at least another very long fifteen minutes. Then he heard a knock on the door, turned to see the door open, and saw his father. He tried to restore the courage that it took to refuse his father's orders. He was not entirely successful because he was convinced that he would now be more severely punished.
"We need to talk," his father said in a stern but surprisingly calm voice. The man walked over and sat on the bed beside the fearful teen. "More precisely," his father said, "I need to talk and you need to listen."
His words carried a message of `I'm in control...you will listen!' But his voice remained incongruously calm, which confused TJ.
"I'm not accustomed to having my decisions challenged," he said.
TJ knew that. He was also convinced that his father was about to impose even more stringent controls and punishment for his disobedience. He began to regret confronting his father because it had only made the situation worse.
His father continued, "When you were so adamant about seeing Neil and not seeing a psychiatrist, I had to reconsider my decisions. It didn't take a lot of thought to realize that I can't enforce what I told you. This is a very difficult situation for me, son. I want to stop your immoral behavior but I realize that I'm powerless to do so. In spite of my wishes, it's clear that you will continue to see Neil...even if that means sneaking behind my back. Make no mistake; I couldn't disapprove more. What you're doing...or at least what I assume you're doing when you're with him...is not only illegal but disgusting. The regrettable fact of the matter is, however, that I can't do anything about it without driving you out of my life and alienating your mother. And that would be worse than allowing your deviant behavior to continue."
TJ could hardly believe what he was hearing and began to say, "Thank you, Dad. I know..."
But his father cut him off. "I'm not finished. The former rules are still in effect. Neil is welcome to visit here but if he stays overnight he will sleep in the guest room. During the day, you two are not to be alone together behind a closed door. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," TJ replied, deliberately using `sir' to emphasize his promise of compliance.
"Very well," his father said as he stood and walked abruptly out of the room.
TJ took several minutes to absorb what his father had said. As a very little boy, he had learned not to challenge his father; the consequences were severe. But now he had done it! True, he had been motivated by something very important--his relationship with Neil--but he had held his ground! Only later did he fully realize the danger of defying his father and the potential of a harsh reprisal. His father's capitulation was therefore astonishing.
As he replayed his father's comments in his mind, he was puzzled by a phrase that was almost lost in what his father said: `alienating your mother.' Did that mean that she, too, had stood up to him? If so, it was a welcomed development.
TJ called Neil and told him about his father's demands, his refusal to obey, and his father's admission of defeat.
Neil's reaction was, "You took a big risk, TJ, one that might have made matters worse. I'm glad it worked out the way it did. And I think I know why you confronted him. It was because you love me. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for your love. But promise me something. If anything like that happens again, please talk to me. I trust your judgment but let's talk through the options and possible outcomes."
"You can count on it, Neil. I recognize now that I acted out of anger and desperation. For a while, I was afraid I had really screwed things up. I'm just glad I got lucky."
The next few months passed relatively uneventfully. TJ drove to campus to visit Neil every weekend. It was the only way they could be together the way they wanted to since their privacy at the Ryerson home was outlawed by TJ's father. His father remained cool and distant in spite of TJ's attempts to heal the relationship. In fact, Mr. Ryerson showed his displeasure whenever Neil's name was mentioned in his presence. Mrs. Ryerson was pleasant and loving toward her son. She suppressed thinking of the teens' unacceptable weekend activities. Isabel, because of her role as employee of the household, could do little more than keep a careful eye on the young man she loved and be ready to discretely intercede if she saw signs of unhappiness.
As Christmas approached, both TJ and Neil were kept busy finishing school projects and preparing for exams. Their weekends were spent in Neil's dorm room studying with, of course, adequate time allocated to serious love-making. Even when the two were concentrating on school work, TJ found it to be gratifying to be with the man he loved and often yearned for the day when they could live together as a couple. Neil felt the same way and empathized with his lover. However, he forced himself to moderate TJ's impatience by reminding him of their dependence of their families and the need to finish school.
Neil chose not to go home to Oklahoma over the Christmas break at school. His parents were disappointed but understood his reasons. He wanted to spend his vacation days with TJ. They made the most of the time, spending virtually every day--and many nights--with each other.
TJ, with his mother's encouragement and his father's grudging approval, invited Neil to Christmas dinner. It did not go well. Mrs. Ryerson was especially cordial toward the dinner guest, anticipating that her husband would be cool, distant, and possibly antagonistic. She was right. Through the afternoon and evening dinner, he spoke very little but his facial expressions and body language revealed his latent disgust and hostility toward Neil in particular but also toward his son.
After dinner, they adjourned to the living room where a sumptuously decorated tree and a blazing fire in the fireplace should have set a celebratory mood. Instead, the tension was palpable as they exchanged gifts.
Neil's gift to TJ was a set of twelve CD's, recordings of some of the greatest performances of classical music. TJ was delighted but had forgotten that, many weeks before, he had expressed a desire to add to his music collection. His mother was pleased that TJ was thrilled with the gift. His father remained stone- faced and walked over to stoke the fire forcefully as if to vent his seething anger.
TJ gave Neil a gold chain with half a heart. TJ was wearing a matching chain and half-heart under his shirt. He had thought about giving it to Neil in private rather than in front of his father but, at almost the last minute, rejected the idea. His father, he reasoned, would have to learn to face the undeniable fact that he was to have, eventually, a new son-in-law. Neil opened the small box, saw the heart and chain, and immediately closed the box, afraid of Mr. Ryerson's reaction if he were to see it.
"What is it?" Mrs. Ryerson asked. "Won't you let us see it?"
Neil now faced a dilemma: refuse TJ's mother's friendly request or hazard his father seeing it. He hoped to resolve the dilemma by folding open the lid of the box and showing it to Mrs. Ryerson in a way that her husband could not see the contents. His hopes were dashed when she took the half-heart and chain out of the box, held it up to inspect it, and said, "It's beautiful, Neil." Turning to her son, she said, "That was very sweet of you, TJ."
TJ's father exploded. He was normally very reserved and circumspect but his anger and resentment had built up during the evening to the point where he was no longer in control of his emotions. "That's the last goddamn straw!" he shouted. "I've tried to be civil toward you, TJ, and what do I get in return? You openly disobey my wishes! You continue with your disgusting relationship! And now you throw it in my face! Have you no decency left?"
"TOM!" Mrs. Ryerson shouted. "Control yourself!"
But the fuming man would not be silenced. "Don't tell me what to do! You're complicit in this sordid affair by allowing it to go on. But I will tolerate it no longer!"
TJ's mother turned to the horror-stricken teens and calmly said, "Could you leave us alone for a while? My husband and I need to talk."
TJ and Neil welcomed the excuse to retreat from the battle but were distraught at the hostility that had erupted. They went up to TJ's room, being sure to leave the door open as TJ's father had decreed.
They heard the muffled shouting from downstairs gradually diminish. TJ was miserable and repeatedly apologized for giving Neil the gift in front of his father and for subjecting Neil to a vicious tirade.
Neil listened to his lover for a while but interrupted by saying, "Look. You made a mistake. It turned out badly. I would have advised against it but I understand that you had to keep it a secret. It's over now. We still have each other. We'll always have each other. Even when one of us makes a mistake. Don't punish yourself, TJ. Let's just pick up the pieces and go on."
They talked for several more minutes with Neil expressing his admiration and appreciation for the gift. TJ unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and showed him the other half-heart. Neil kissed TJ-- quickly lest someone unexpectedly come to the open door and see the expression of affection.
Meanwhile, downstairs, TJ's mother forcefully reminded her husband of the consequences to their marriage if he persisted in harassing and hurting her son. It took more than half an hour but the man conceded. He did not wear defeat comfortably but it was the least objectionable of his options.
TJ's mother knocked on the open bedroom door and said, "I apologize for my husband's outburst, Neil. Until things settle down, perhaps it would be best not to visit. That does not mean that TJ can't visit you. In fact, I suggest that you both spend tonight on campus ... several nights if you like. And don't worry. I can handle the situation here."
"Are you sure, Mom?" TJ asked. "I hate to leave you when Dad is like this."
"We'll be fine. Right now, your father is angry and needs to vent. Trust me, I can handle him. I just think that he'll settle down faster if you two are not around for a while."
For the next several days, TJ called his mother daily to be assured that she was all right. On the afternoon of New Year's Day, he returned home. As his mother had predicted, the situation had returned to normal. She was attentive. Isabel was particularly empathetic. His father ignored him and, if he spoke to him at all, it was with icy disdain.
To be continued.