A Perpetual Canon in a Minor Key Nexis Pas (c) 2007 by the author
`He's got weird eyes.'
`Jamie, Pavel's got beautiful eyes. They're the first thing you notice when you meet him.'
`That's what I mean. Don't you find that weird? He has this incredible body, but the only thing people remember about him are those pale blue eyes with the dark rings around the irises.'
`I noticed the body. Believe me, I noticed the body. But since when did you decide he has weird eyes? You've been dating him for six months.'
`His eyes have always been weird. It's just that lately they've begun to bother me.'
`Oh, oh. We've had this conversation before. Is this the start of "discard the current boyfriend" sequence? Remember Paul? After a year, you decide that it bothers you that he's the type of guy who owns only one tie. Or Davie--what was his fault now? Oh, yeah. He couldn't use chopsticks. Let me see. Then there was Xander--too sweet. Andrew, too funny. Rupert, too sexy. I could go on, but I can't remember them all. You've rejected a whole regiment of guys most people would sell their grandmother to have as lovers. Now, weird eyes. You can't dump someone just because you think his eyes are weird.'
`I don't see why I should settle for less than perfection. I mean, I can tolerate small faults when I'm just dating the guy. But when he wants us to find a place together, then you have to take a closer look and see if there are things about him that would really bother you if you had to deal with them 24 hours a day.'
`So that's the problem. Feeling a wee bit threatened by the dangers of intimacy, are you? Is that the real story here?'
`That's nonsense. I am not frightened by intimacy. I've been intimate with a lot of guys. I'm just not like you and Christopher. I can't live with someone with a lot of faults.'
`Oh, well, thank you very much, I'm sure. I know Chris has to put up with a lot from me, but we talk about the things that I do that bother him and work them out. And vice versa.'
`I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Christopher. How can you live with the silly giggle of his? Really, any jury would acquit you of strangling him if your lawyer played a tape of that nervous laugh of his.'
`Hey, me, you can criticise. Chris is out of bounds to you. One more remark about my Chris, and I'll strangle you.'
`Ouch. That hurt. Stop pinching me. Ok, ok. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. But you know what I mean.'
`No, I don't. I don't expect Chris to be perfect. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. And neither one of us disappoints the other. Relationships are about compromises. Nobody's perfect. We all have faults. If you want a relationship, then you have to make adjustments.'
`Oh, stop lecturing me. I've heard all this before. If having a relationship means having to apologise all the time for the way I am and putting up with someone else's foibles just so that we can eat breakfast together in the morning, then I don't want a relationship. What's that old line? Love means never having to say you're sorry? It seems to me that love means always having to say that you're sorry. I'm sorry I don't like muesli. I'm sorry I wear roomy boxer shorts instead of some ridiculous piece of string. I'm sorry I'm not neat. I'm sorry my mother calls every Sunday morning. I'm sorry I don't like sour pickles. I'm sorry that I find lying about on a beach a bore. It never ends. Nothing I can do will ever satisfy anyone.'
`Jamie, I've known you for what, twelve years now? Every six months or so you announce that you've met Mr Right. You spend every waking hour with him, probably a lot of nonwaking hours as well. Your friends hardly see you. You disappear off the face of the earth because you're so involved with this guy. Then a few months later you show up at our doors and start complaining about the guy. Suddenly he has this "foible" you can't stand anymore. Then you dump him and a month later the whole process begins again. Why don't you give it up and just have one-night stands? It would save you all the trouble of finding an excuse to get rid of the guy.'
Now you're being frivolous. You know I'm not that kind of person.
`Yeah, you're a serial monogamist who doesn't want to eat his lover's favourite cereal in the morning. You want the good stuff but not the bad.'
`I thought you at least would understand.'
`Oh, Jamie, I understand. Believe me, I understand a lot more than you give me credit for.'
`What's that supposed to mean?'
`Oh, Jamie. . . . Look, let's just change the subject. This is pointless.'
`No, I want to know. What is it that you understand about me?'
`Muesli is gruesome stuff. You're right to dump anyone who wants you to eat that muck.'
`Now, you're patronising me.'
`Yes, I'm trying to patronise you. I plead guilty as charged. . . . Ok, let's start over. What's all this about having to be sorry.'
`He's trying to change me. Pavel's become very critical of me. Everything was fine until a few weeks ago, and then he started criticising everything I do. It seems I can't do anything right.'
`Maybe he's the one who's afraid of intimacy? Maybe this is his way of pushing you away. Have you talked with him about it?'
`I'm scared.'
`Of what?'
`I'm afraid that if I talk with him, he'll leave me. I've never told you, but I tried talking with the others. I really did. But then they got angry and said I was just being selfish and that I was so self-centred that I couldn't care about other people. There were always these big fights, and they ended up leaving. They dumped me. But this time, I want it to work out. I think, well, maybe Pavel's right. Maybe I should change and be what he wants me to be. It's not such a big thing. I could change this or that, and then he'll like me again, and everything will be all right.'
`Oh, Jamie love, come here. Sit down beside me and tell me all about it. But blow your nose first. I don't want you dripping all over the upholstery. We just had this cleaned.'
`That's a disgusting image.'
`Yeah, isn't it? So blow your nose.'
`Christopher will get jealous if he sees you hugging me.'
`No, he won't. He'll probably want to join in. He likes three-ways.'
`Really?'
`No, not really. Now, you know a secret of our love life. A boring old married couple. The cat's the only one who joins us in bed, and he sleeps between us.'
`Well, Christopher wouldn't want me anyway.'
`No, he wouldn't. Nor would I at the moment. Your nose is all red.'
`Your cat doesn't like me either.'
`Lester doesn't like anyone.'
`I'm jealous, you know.'
`Of the cat? How sweet. Lester will approve.'
`No, of Christopher. He's a lucky guy.'
`Yes, I keep telling him that. After the thousandth time, he decided to pretend to let me think he believes me. So, do you want to talk about Pavel?'
`Yeah, if you don't mind.'
`I don't mind. Now, tell uncle all about the tribulations of Jamie.'
`My older and wiser uncle?'
`Oo, what a rotten little bitch it is, claws and all. That didn't quite come out right for me, did it? And stop smirking or I will make you go away. Let me rephrase that. So, tell your incredibly intelligent and slightly older brother, who is known throughout the width and breadth of this fair city as being the handsomest stud you will never go to bed with, not to mention modest to a fault, a genuine genius at giving advice, and an inveterate helper of little old laddies to cross busy streets, is this a new thing for you? Being so much in love that you would even consider eating the dreaded, loathed muesli for the SHWE.'
`Shwee?'
`The Slavic Hunk with the Weird Eyes.'
`Yes, I'm in love with the Slavic Hunk. I think.'
`Except for the weird eyes.'
`Forget the weird eyes. He has beautiful eyes.'
`Yes, he does. But he's changed toward you?'
`He's just so possessive anymore. I'm mean he was always possessive, but lately it's like he thinks I'm his property and have to do what he wants. And when I protest, he gets angry and says that I don't love him. That if I loved him, I would do what he wants instead of always trying to get my way. He always seems to want me to prove to him that I love him by doing what he wants.'
Jamie, have you ever thought that he might be afraid that you don't love him?
`But I tell him that all the time.'
`Maybe telling him isn't enough for him. Maybe he wants something more. Jamie, you have to talk with him and find out what's behind all this. Maybe it's some queer Latvian hangup.'
`Ukrainian. He's Ukrainian. Maybe he's trying to dump me. He's making all these demands on me in the hope that I will reach my limits and leave.'
`Maybe. But if you don't talk with him, you'll never know, will you?'
`But we'll have a fight.'
`So have a fight. There are worse things.'
`That's easy for you to say. You and Christopher never fight.'
`We fight all the time. Well, not so much any more, but at first we fought a lot.'
`About what?'
`Money mostly. Independence and not being swallowed up in the relationship. The worry that the other person was too independent and wasn't being swallowed up in the relationship. It turned out that we both wanted the same things and were worried that the other person didn't. So we talked and worked things out--for the most part. There's still that annoying nervous giggle of his. There are days I could strangle him for that.'
`I know a good lawyer.'
`Do you? Give me his name. Do you want more coffee or should we switch to wine? It's getting on toward evening.'
`No, I'd better be on my way. I think I will stop at the Cinque Portes and check out who's there. It's been a while since I went to a bar by myself.'